Blessings by Laura Story

"Blessings" is the name of this song. The words are perfect, and quite often come at exactly the moment I need them. 

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Change and Pumpkins

Things change. I know this. Sometimes it's harder than other times. Sometimes the changes are for the better and sometimes they are for the worse and sometimes, most of the times, they just are.

For 15 years, I'm pretty sure that's our streak, we have carved pumpkins (or A pumpkin depending on how many of us there were). For 5 years, Anitra and the kids have carved pumpkins with us. For 4 of those years, we went to the pumpkin patch, with my work, and picked out our own pumpkins from the big field of pumpkins. Last year was tough. No Anitra for the pumpkin patch and no Big R for pumpkin carving. That was a BIG change. A hard change. A not so great change. 

This year, Steve and I were in Vegas for my work's pumpkin patch visit. We decided not to go to the patch and just get pumpkins from the store. Okay...tough change for some of the kiddos and I. Miss R decided she didn't want to participate in pumpkin carving. That's okay; she's getting older and some family traditions are either hard to accept without Mom. A change that I'm having a harder time accepting then I'd like to admit. 

Steve had promised G that he would take her to the haunted house and of course tonight is the last night they are open. Not an okay change. Now we're missing Steve, Big R, and G. I took a deep breath, sucked it up, and carried on. 

The rest of us, plus Ms. Kylie, carved our pumpkins, gutted them out, seeds will be roasting tomorrow. The boys argued over what would be the most epic design, G picked the girl pumpkin design since she would not be able to help us carve it. Tai was, as always, super helpful! 

We had a good time. Little R cannot wait until she can carve more of the pumpkin on her own. She is a master gutter though! Ms. K was a delightful addition to our "party". She is really like one of the family and we cannot imagine her not being with us for these fun events. 

This pumpkin carving season will probably not be our most memorable. We survived it...and sometimes, that's the best I can say. Next year, we will be going back to the pumpkin patch and picking out our own pumpkins. I don't know if Big R will come home and carve with us next year, but she will always be welcome to. Ms. K (and her momma)will hopefully still be able to join us. The rest of the family will be here and we will banter back and forth, elbow each other, argue over who gets which knife, and make a great big mess. 

Sometimes, change shows us that we need to keep things the same. 

Let's Pretend...

With the weather getting colder and it getting darker out earlier, I have noticed two things...G and the boys play outside a LOT more. Interesting since Mr. A is always freezing and trying to wear pants in the summer but somehow finds it fun to wear shorts during the colder days, but that wasn't the point. The other thing I notice is that the little girls are more comfortable playing inside than out. I sense it is the dark that brings them in more than the chill in the air. It works for me either way.

What I hear tonight as the two 7 year old girls begin play time is "let's pretend..." The ... because it is followed by so many things, rarely being the same thing. Each sentence seems to begin with "let's pretend." It can be something as simple as "let's pretend I'm the mom and you're the daughter," "let's pretend that we're sisters," "let's pretend that you got in trouble," "let's pretend I just got home from work." "Let's pretend that I don't have any mom or dad and that you found me." That one makes sense because they have both experienced profound losses in their young little life's.

Hearing these "let's pretends" make me smile. From the very silly pretends to the more silly ones, it brightens my day. I love that these little angels aren't affected by the scary news of the day with shootings, kidnappings, starving children, healthcare reform, shut down governments, stock prices, you name it. I love that they are allowed to pretend in their worlds and that the problems that they have are no bigger than what their imaginations allow.

At least during those moments, at least when they are together and playing nicely and all is well in their worlds. It's easy to get swept up into and it's a joy to hear. 

A boy & A Cat

I received a frantic call from Ariez yesterday morning. It went kind of like this: 

A: Aunt Sami, I found Raj (a small yellow kitty we had but went missing while on vacation)!

M: What do you mean you found Raj? Where are you? What are you doing?

A: I'm at school in Ms. room and he was outside at PE and he was meowing at the door and we have to get him because it's Raj!

M: Ummm...I'm not really sure what to tell you...I'm at work and I can't leave and I don't even know if it is Raj and what are we supposed to do with this cat? 

A: We could bring it in and lock it in a room in the school until you can come get it...

No. We can't do that. So I calmed him down and told him that he should wait until after school and look around for the kitty and see if it really was Raj. 

Fast forward to after school. I get a text that goes like this:

Tai: Mom, Ariez brought this cat home and he says it's Jasper (a black/grey kitten we had but went missing a couple of weeks ago) and it's not Jasper but he won't believe me. 

M: Are you sure it's not Jasper? 

T: YES! It's not the right color and it doesn't meow the same. It's NOT Jasper. And now Ariez is going crazy? 

(Going crazy can mean a variety of things in our lives. Telling me someone is acting crazy does not narrow down an exact action, moment, feeling. It's a little hard to read what kind of crazy we are talking about. That's an important thing to clarify when announcing someone as crazy in our house.)

T: He's outside with that cat and he's calling me mean because I won't let him in the house again and he is just NOT accepting that this cat is NOT Jasper!

M: Wait...is this the same cat that he called me about this morning? He said it was Raj. Where did this cat come from?

T: He said he saw him at the school and he picked him up and carried him home.

I don't know what to do with this information. Maybe it IS Jasper and Tai is wrong. If it's not Jasper, Ariez is going to be so sad. What do I do with this cat that is now at my house. Did Ariez catnap another person's pet? 

M: Ok...this is what we're going to do. We are going to let Ariez think this cat is Jasper and we are going to let it go inside and outside, just like Halo. If the cat has a home, he will go back to it. If he doesn't have a home, we'll feed him and Ariez will be so excited. Just don't argue with him anymore. 

An hour later, I am home and this cat is CLEARLY not Jasper. Ariez and I have a very good talk and it's determined that this poor cat really does need to go back to where he got him from because somebody else is probably really missing him. All of his intentions were good but we can't just keep a cat that might belong to someone else. 

Steve and I take the cat back to where Ariez says he was. Steve opens the door and lets him out. He turns and looks at us and meows a couple of times and saunters away and goes right to the door of a house and meows. The cat has returned home after a grand adventure of a day. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

I wonder what it's like in Heaven. We've all see the pictures of what Heaven is supposed to be like. Beautiful angels laying around on wonderful clouds. Aren't we taught that we have no physical being after life. How does that work? The kids believe Heaven is full of all the things you love most. That you will be with your family and friends that have gone before you. Rey believes that you can have all the ice cream you want in Heaven! 

My question is, what does that look like? What do we look like? What can you do or have or feel or see? Do you get to pop-in every once in awhile and see your family? Do you ever feel sad that you aren't there with them or is feeling sadness not allowed in Heaven because it's only good things? 

I absolutely believe that Heaven is for real. I don't doubt any of that. I absolutely believe that my loved ones are there. I just wonder where there is and what they are like there. Do you age in Heaven, or are my babies that have gone before me, forever babies? My sister forever 36? Will I see my sister in Heaven, my babies, my grandparents? Will I meet my husband's brother and grandparents that mean so much to him that passed before my time with him? 

And today, I wonder if they have birthday parties in Heaven. I wonder if they get to have a big celebration and wonder if they are able to sense our urgent happy birthday wishes to them. 

So Much To Write

I have been trying to blog...I really have. I've had a rough start to find the words that I am searching to say. So here's a couple "teasers" of what's to come in the next couple days (or weeks, or months...depending on how things go!)

Our large family of 8 plus Grandma Cindy, with a part of Grandma Nessa, Grandpa Steve, and GG, went on vacation this summer. It was a nerve-racking experience to get ready for but it went SO much better than I could have ever imagined. I will share a few highlights from that, though many of you watched a lot of that vacation happen through facebook updates and pictures.

We have officially "survived" the one year mark of Anitra's death. It was hard, harder than some thought it would be, not as hard as some thought. The important part is that we made it, scrapes and all.

We've started going to church. Not everyone is in love with having to get up every Sunday morning but it's been a great experience for our family and I look forward to sharing that with you all.

School started...wow, that could be an entire blog itself but I'll keep it to a post in a blog.

So anyway, hopefully I will be able to blog again and maybe try to get to it more frequently. I like being able to share our family's stories, trials, and successes.

Thank you all for so many of your thoughts, prayers, assistance. We could not be here in this journey without you.

Sam

Paula Deen and the "N" Word

I will preface this with the fact that sometimes the direction of my blog will not be completely about our family. It's going to change as I change and may seem completely random at times. Here's one of those times...(and I'm fully aware that this post is coming from a white woman. The same white woman who was concerned to be less of a human, even after black people were able to be legally defined as people and not property.)

I dislike the "N" word. I am horrified when someone calls one of my children the "N" word. I believe it is a word that should not be used by anyone, in any context. I don't like it when black people use it and I don't like it when white people use it. I don't care if it ends in an "er" or ends with an "a". That's how I feel about the "N" word.

That being said, I don't believe that using that word EVER in your lifetime, makes you a racist. I believe that there was a time in our history that using that word did not mean the same thing that it means now. I don't believe that it is a word that was ever used as a compliment, but it was used as a label, for an entire race of people, and it wasn't all that long ago that the word was used by a lot of people who would not, then nor now, consider them a racist. Times change. People change. Words carry different meaning at different times in our life.

Paula Deen was asked, in a deposition where she swore to tell the truth, if she had ever used the "N" word. Paula Deen was born in 1947 in Georgia. She was asked, if in her 66 years of life, had she EVER used the "N" word. Paula Deen said, "yes" in response to this question. Paula Deen, who is known to many as "The Southern Cooking Lady" said yes she has used the "N" word. She knew what was at stake. She knew what she was going to be asked at the deposition. Do you really think she wasn't prepared for that question? That question, in a deposition for a lawsuit stemming from an African-American women suing for harassment, was not a surprise for Paula. Should she have lied in a deposition where she was sworn under oath to tell the truth? Should she have feigned that she "couldn't recall" whether she had ever used that word?

Would anyone have believed her if she had said no? Would anybody have respected her more if she had said "I don't recall?" Does anybody think that a white woman, born and raised in the South, during a time of segregation, during a time of huge racial battle going on in America, had not ever said the "N" word during her life? I think it's unrealistic to think that, growing up when she did and where she did, she would have never used that word. That horrible, awful word. That one word that if you have EVER in your life used, instantly makes you a racist.

I don't know if Paula is a racist. She says she's not. I'm inclined to believe her. She told the truth when she knew what people would think when they heard the truth and she said it anyway. I don't know how often she used the word. I don't know if she still uses the word. She says she doesn't. She says that in this time, a time where the word is known to be offensive, she does not use the word. I don't know if she's telling the truth. I have no reason to think that she's not. I don't know of any current events where she has used the word.

I hope that, we as people, can understand that times change. I hope that, we as people, can understand that people change with these times. I hope that we can forgive and judge other's less quickly for things that they have said and done. I hope that we can stop defining people by the words of their past.

If we cannot, I think that we had all better start being a lot more careful about the words that are coming out of our mouths because at some point, someone might ask us if we've EVER, in our lives, used a word that can now define you as ignorant, racist, sexist, insensitive. Acknowledging that we've said something in our past, does not define who we are in this moment.

Good Grief

Yesterday was H(helping).U(us).G(grieve).S(successfully). Camp at the zoo for Rey, Genna, Ariez, Trey, Grandma Nessa, and I. We heard about this camp through Mourning Hope. They have been such a God-send for our family. They have provided us the tools to help us navigate this grief in a very healthy, positive way.

Grief is awful. There's no denying it. There's no sugar-coating it. There's also no way of going around it. It is imperative to go THROUGH the pain and not around it. Grief is a mystery. It's hard enough to mine the grief battlefield for ourselves, let alone recognize and allow our children to grieve. We want to stuff it all away and put a band-aid on it because grief is too hard. Mourning Hope has allowed us to support all of our children in their individual grief battlefields. We are all grieving in our own unique way and we certainly need the help to continue to help them do it successfully.

Yesterday's camp was hard work but it was good work. It was important work. It was work that we will continue to do and hopefully continue to help our children do. We know now that grieving is not on a timetable. We know that it is something that we will carry with us every day that was live. It doesn't have to be hard everyday but it will certainly be with us. We will continue to go to "grief camps" and workshops that allow us to express the things we hold onto deep inside us.

I am so proud of my kiddos and my mother for coming and facing feelings that sit at the surface, no matter how hard we try to pretend they don't. I'm proud of them for having the courage to face the hard grief work and the strength to share what they are feeling. I'm proud of the progress they have made and will continue to nurture the progress that we still need to move through.

Grief is hard. The work is good. The work is good for our hearts, it's good for our souls, it's good for minds.

End of School

Well, in 3 more days, we will have survived this school year. Obviously, it's been a difficult one. I'm incredibly proud of my children for having the strength and courage to get through it. We've had our rough days. We've had more "sick" days then we probably should have. We've had our fights about how to behave in school. We've survived it.

My kids had a tough year. They've all lost more this year then they ever should have to. They've all come out stronger in the end of it. Two of them started new schools, made new friends, mourned the loss of their old schools and some of their friends. They've all had a house change, one of them two of them. Two of them had brief hospital stays. One of them a surgery. All of them counseling. Some of them the counseling was a new thing.

They've all made new friends this year. We've moved into a great new neighborhood where new friendships are blossoming. The kids have settled into a new routine for the most part. They've all grown and become stronger. In the face of difficult times, they've held on tight and fought through and have made it to summer.

We still have rough days. We've experienced a lot of "firsts" that have been hard this year. We will continue to have those. We will continue to grow and learn from them. We will continue to honor their mom, aunt, my sister. We will be stronger in the end because that's the only choice.

All-in-all, under horrible circumstances, we've made it. THEY'VE made it. Each and everyone of them. I could not be more proud of them. I could not be more proud to call them my children.

My Sister

The story goes that before I was born, my sister was not excited about having me come into the world. That all changed the day my mother didn't bring me home from the hospital. Anitra was angry. She wanted her baby. From the day I came home, we were together. I was her baby, her bestie, her sissy, and she mine.

I have memories of being little and doing fun things with her. She was my hero. She wasn't afraid of anything then. She was my best friend. I remember bouncing up and down the stairs to The Oakridge Boy's Elvira. I remember her teaching me how to "shave" and the massive thumb cut. I remember hiding in the upstairs window that overlooks the street because we had done something that would make April or mom mad. I remember her telling me it was okay to pee in the bathtub as long as you poured Hydrogen Peroxide in it. I remember her rarely taking time to think things through, just jumping in head first and hoping the water was deep enough.

I remember being really excited about seeing my daddy but being really sad at the same time that my sister wasn't coming with us. For 4 years, as far as my memory serves, this girl was my world.

We didn't grow up together much after that. I'm not going into that all because that's not what this story is about. We saw each other, we got in more trouble together, we planned and plotted and there was a large period of time that I just missed her.

When I was 19 years old and living own my own, she called me. She was pregnant and living on the streets in Omaha and without a thought, I went and picked her up and moved her in with me. She was my sissy. I found her a doctor, I found her a job. She was my sissy. She had Rythm and I was with her. Oh how we laughed. There were disagreements, of course there were. She was NUTS and I was...I think her words were pushy and bossy. Did I mention she was nuts?? :)

I had to move to MS. I couldn't take her with me. That broke my heart. I think it broke hers too. She got in trouble again. She moved around. I wouldn't take her collect call from jail on my birthday. She got me back for that and for the rest of my birthdays with her she would call and say she was calling collect. I would yell "I don't take collect calls on my birthday!" and then I would hang up on her. She'd call back and we'd both just laugh!

We both lived in Kearney again. One of the stories I tell the kids is about one time that she did something and I said something stupid about it. She got really angry and blocked me from being able to call her. I was devastated. I cried and cried. I missed my sister. Two weeks went by and she showed up at my place. I was shocked and glad at the same time. She came in all pissed off because I hadn't called her IN FOREVER. I said, "you have blocked my number! What the hell is wrong with you?" She started laughing because she had totally forgotten that she had blocked me. I had to tell her why she had blocked me and when I did she said, "that's stupid." That was my sister.

While we lived in Minden, I didn't see Anitra for awhile. I think it was a little over a year. It made me so sad but she had cut us out and I didn't follow or try to stop her from doing it. She was going through some hard stuff and didn't want us to go through it with her. I know it was heart-breaking for me and I'm sure it was hard for her not to have me. At least that's what I will always tell myself. :)

We accidentally ran into each other again on April Fool's Day of all times. It was like nothing had happened. There was not a gap of time for either of us. We went right back to whatever it was we were. We laughed, fought, thought each other was ridiculous. Mostly we laughed. Phone calls multiple times a day. It was like the "you're my new best friend, call me every 15 minutes" kind of thing. We moved to Lincoln shortly there after and shortly after that, Anitra moved to Lincoln. We all lived together as long as we could.

There are so many funny stories I could write about. I might write some more of those. There are a lot of sad stories to tell also. I might write some of those sometime too.

People talk about "soul mates". I think mine was Anitra. We filled in each other's blanks. She began where I ended and vice versa. She was the fun one, while I handled all the serious stuff. She was the "crazy" one,while I made sure everyone had their stuff with them. I told her where people needed to be and she got them there.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone like that in their life. Steve used to call us both his wives. He was the "technical" handyman and she was the one who could "fix" anything with duct tape and super glue. Heck, she helped pick out and pay for his wedding ring! He didn't know that one until just recently. She was the one I would say "tell Steve I want..." She would call me and say "what are we doing for Steve" for Christmas, birthday, mostly Father's Day. She was his fishing buddy. She took the kids to the pool and I made sure they had sunscreen.

I haven't "forgotten" all the bad times. I just choose not to focus on them. I don't pretend like everything was always wonderful. We were a family and she was mentally-ill for a very long time. I haven't shaded those parts away. There were some really tough times. There were really frustrating times. There were "I want to strangle" you times. There was a lot of crap. Hers and mine.

She was mine though. I felt like I was hers. She was my sister, my soul mate, my best friend, my constant companion, that one person that you could tell absolutely anything to and know that you weren't being judged.

Words cannot express how much I miss her. Words cannot express the sadness and pain I have without her. I keep waiting for someone to tell me this nightmare is over. I keep waiting for her to call, well text, me and to hear her start laughing because she really pulled one over on me this time. I would have given anything to have her call me collect this year on my birthday. I would give anything to see her smile and laugh at me for something.

I don't think I'm "stuck", I think I'm just still healing. I don't think I'll ever feel whole again. I have been told that I will feel better, and some days I do, but I don't think I'll ever feel the same as I did. I don't think it will ever not hurt. I miss her and I want her back. I know that wanting her back is selfish, but I still want her back. I go through the days saying "I'm ok and I'm fine" so often that I think someday I'll believe it. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I don't think I ever would have been.

A Different Kind of Day

Anitra did not call me on Friday with her annual "What are we gonna do for mom for Mother's Day this year?"

Yes, this year was different. I've been told by many people that the "firsts" are harder generally. This was no exception. I didn't look for any coffee themed, funny little gifts to give her. I didn't have any help getting ideas for my mom and I didn't have anybody to put little bugs in their ears to tell Steve what to do for the day. 

I did want to make the day special for our mother because I knew this would be a hard day for her. I hope I succeeded in that. I knew that the kids needed to honor their mom in a special way this year. I wanted to honor her in a special way this year. If it were not for Anitra, I would not be a mother of six. I got three bonus kids from her and that is special and something that I will treasure all of my life. 

I asked the girls at work. I knew we would do a balloon release but I wanted there to be more to that. I wanted there to be something that the kids could put their heart into. They suggested a "note in a bottle" theme. It was perfect. I let each of the kids write a little note to her. We rolled them up and went to HyVee. The ladies there looked at me with my strange request and helped out. Each child got to pick a color and we put the notes in the balloon and blew them up. We then went to the park and took some pictures and released them. Then, because I knew I needed to keep them occupied with me today and I had no desire to listen to them fight all afternoon, we went to the movie. Reyanne had wanted just her and I to go but that wouldn't have been right today. We went to see the Crood's. It was good. There were some sad parts when we didn't think the dad was going to make it, but even those were perfect. There were tears. The central theme was that we not be afraid of tomorrow and we reach for the sun and anything is possible. The movie reminded us to live! Mostly, there was laughter and there was family. We were there together. 

Reyanne, who at seven, has experienced and expressed the loss of her mother in much different ways than the others. She seemed to almost look as though she felt guilty giving me the gifts that her class had made for their "moms." I could see a look in her face and just gave her lots of loves and hugs today because I'm aware that she was feeling these things but couldn't identify them. 

Ariez was pretty wired today. I have noticed that in emotionally charged situations, he seems to get pretty excitable. There's an anxiousness about him that people sometimes misjudge as hyper. Not that he isn't hyper! Trust me, this child could be in texts books about hyperactivity. It's a different type of hyper. He seems uncomfortable in his own skin. He doesn't really know how to express that in any other way. 

Rythm was incredibly strong. I know it was a hard day for her. She never let on that she was struggling. She has grown emotionally a lot in the last few months and weeks. She seems to be more aware that her mood and attitude set the tone for others around her. She has chosen to use that more for good now, instead of a way to wind up everyone else. She is an incredibly strong and bright 16 year old girl. She is growing so much. 

I am so proud of them. I can't imagine going through what they have gone through. I can't imagine the feelings of their loss. I am so proud of the way they handled themselves. I will not allow them to use this loss as an excuse to check out of life. I will continue to push them to honor their mother and not allow her death to be an excuse for bad behavior. Honoring her will get them farther. 

It was also the first Mother's Day that I am the mother of six. I used to tell people that going from one to two children was way harder than going from two to three because you are already used to juggling. I think, if things had been different and I would have had four, then five, then six, the transition would have been smoother. Three to six is hard. Three to six is a huge adjustment! 

Today reminded me of how proud I am of each of my children. I tell people that I have three bio kids and three bonus kids. I realized today, more than any day so far, that I really do love them all as though I gave birth to them all. There is not a distinction in my love for them. This is who I am and who God made me to be. It's not always easy. There are days I hate it. I had those days before I had six kids. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I didn't have all of them. Don't get me wrong, if we could get a do-over and Anitra could be here, I'd take that in a heartbeat. Since I can't, I am so glad that I have six kids. I am incredibly blessed to be the mother of so many. 

The Haircut

Who knew something as simple as a hair cut, for a 7 year old, could invoke so many feelings? Well, to be fair, I did. Reyanne has wanted to cut her hair since the day she came home with us. Since everybody in our house has short hair, and she hates having her hair combed, it seems like a pretty natural thing for her to want. What's the big deal you ask? Her mother, my dear sister, would NEVER cut her hair.

Here's the deal with me...I'm not a person who really cares about hair. I never have been, I don't think I ever will be. You want it pink, blue, long, short, mohawk, shaved? Why not? It's hair and it will grow out or grow back or can be cut or can be dyed back. There are so many other things for me to freak out about, their hair is pretty much the least of my concerns.

Fast forward to every single day of combing Rey's hair and putting "pink" in it, fighting with the tangles (and the tears that come with the tangles), trying to get those pesky pony tails out when I forget to buy the ones without seams, pulling leaves out of it, figuring out what that gunky stuff is and the best way to remove it...You get the picture.

In November I took Rey to get her hair trimmed. She desperately needed to get the split ends off. It was so tangly and gnarly. She, of course, took the opportunity to repeatedly nag me about getting as much cut off as I would possibly allow. I knew that if I cut her hair too short people would be upset. Everyone knew how much Anitra loved Rey's hair. I felt like if I let her cut it too short, it would be too much too soon and just another slap in the face that Anitra was gone. I didn't want to do that to anybody. As it turned out, in order to get Rey's hair healthy, we ended up needing to take off about 3-4 inches. Rey was sad because I wouldn't let her go shorter, but I just felt like that was enough of an adjustment for everyone to handle at this time. It WAS a lot shorter but it was still pretty long.

Since then, Rey has been on me to let her cut her hair short. "I want short hair, like you and Genna and Tai," she says on a daily basis. My favorite one, the one that makes me feel bad is, "but you let EVERYONE do what they want with their hair and not ME!" Oh my gosh, it's hair! Does this have to be such a huge part of our lives? The answer, because she's 7, is yes. It really does have to be a huge deal, it really does have to be something we talk about and fuss about just about EVERY single day.

Today was haircut day. The agony of haircut day. I lost sleep over what I was going to let her do. I fretted about this to people because I just want to please everybody, every moment. I never want anyone to feel like I'm "replacing" their mother. I never want any of  Anitra's family, friends, mostly children, feel like I don't respect the loss that we have all endured. Trust me, there a LOT of decisions (really important ones) that I first ask myself what everyone else will think before I make.

That being said, Reyanne got her haircut today. She wanted chin-length, I negotiated (which basically means I told her what was going to happen) shoulder length. Did you know that when you have REALLY curly hair that it looks a lot longer when it's wet than when it's dry. I know, I know...I really did know that but was honestly shocked when I looked over to my little cutie and saw her hair bob about just about chin length. I swallowed back an emotional bubble, and the thought that Anitra would KILL me if she saw it and said, "omgosh, it's so cute!"

You know what? It really is super cute. You know what? Reyanne LOVES it! She is SO happy with her cute little hair cut. I worried what my mom would say and I worried about how Rythm would feel. Rythm said to herself, "mom would be so mad." To me, after way too long of a discussion about hair and what other people think, Rythm said "the only one who would have a right to be mad is mom and she's gone so she doesn't get to say anything about it anymore." Incredibly wise words from my very wise bonus kid!

While I will continue to worry that people will be upset and feel bad for anyone that has hard feelings about this, I will be ok because guess what? It really is just hair. It really will grow back. Most of all, Rey really does love it and feels like such a big girl with her "I got to choose" haircut.

Today's Events

I so badly want to ask God so many questions when events like this happen. I so badly want answers to life's tragic moments and events. We've covered before that I'm an answers kind of person. I need to know where this horrible evil comes from. I need to know how anyone can think that this type of terrorism makes sense. I want to ask these invisible bad guys what the Boston Marathon runners did to them. I want to know how the death of an innocent 8 year old boy will make anyone take their cause seriously.

We don't get the answers to these questions. We pray and ask God to watch over us and protect us. We pray to God to keep our loved ones safe and to keep the families of these victims close and comforted. When we give up on asking God for those things, the bad guys win. When we give up on humanity, the bad guys win. 

I don't care if you believe in God, the universe, karma, nothing, anything...it doesn't matter to me. My choice is God. It doesn't mean it's the right one, it's just the right one for me. That said, when things like this happen we must all come together and believe in each other. We must believe in the good of people. We must believe in the goodness of humanity. 

As I watch the videos of the explosions, I see so many people run TOWARDS the explosion. They don't run away and hide. They run towards it to help and to care for their fellow man. That is how the good guys win. That his how we defeat the bad guys. 

In the next few days, we are going to hear so much (some right, some wrong). We will hear about the bad guys who did this. We will hear about the bad guys who did horrible things in the past. While it's important that we know who our enemy is, I think it's almost as important to know who our allies are. I think it's important that we see more images of the good guys running towards the mayhem. I think it's important that we focus our attention on the good things people are doing to help their fellow man. 

I have realized that when events like this happen, it's really easy for me to sit and watch the news, read all the articles about what we're supposed to be scared of and looking for. What I've noticed is that it doesn't stop the next bad thing from happening. I am going to pray that they catch these bad guys and that they will pay for their hatred and the pain that they have caused. I am going to try to focus my attention, and the attention of my children, on the good guys. The police that find the bad guys, the doctors and nurses who heal the wounded, the friends and families of the wounded, the blood banks stepping up, the strangers who offer helping hands to those stranded in Boston without their belongings tonight. I'm going to focus my attention on the good guys because for me, and I'm not saying this has to work for you, but for me, this is how I beat the bad guys. I'm not going to live in fear of them because I know that if they come, the good guys will be there to help me and my loved ones. 

Words

There are things that people have said to us that we hold onto forever. There are things that have been said, that no matter how hard we try, we can't forget. Hurtful things said in anger. Hurtful things said without thought or intention. 

Obviously there are words or names or things said by people in anger that are hurtful. These things can stick with someone forever. No matter how hard they try, they can't forget them. Knowing that they were said in anger doesn't make them go away. I am as guilty at this as the next person. I have said hurtful things to people.

I always tell my children to choose their words carefully. I always tell them that what you meant by what you said isn't nearly as important as how those words made someone feel. I tell them that if you say 10 nice things to someone and 1 mean thing to them, the thing they will remember is the mean thing. 

I believe that. I know that to be true. I know that because I remember really awful things that people have said to me. Not because I want to hold onto painful things but I think that if everyone is really honest, they remember those things too. I don't play them over and over in my head (ok, well on really bad days I tend to but...) They are things that are just there. 

 There are things that people say that we hold onto forever because they mean so much. A special phrase someone has said. A special moment with silly words that you exchange. Nobody thought, "this is something that will stay with them forever," they were just words exchanged between two people.

I love those memories. We all have them. They hold us over when times get tough. They are something to hold onto when there is chaos around us. We repeat them. We tell stories about people based on a simple phrase they have said. We hear them in our hearts as we fall asleep at night. 

I'm not really sure what the whole point of this whole thing is...I just feel like words are so important. I really hope that when I'm gone, or when people tell stories about me, or when people fall asleep at night, that the words that I have said with them and to them are good ones. 

HIV

HIV is a disease that, to be honest with you, I knew very little about. I knew the basics, or at least I thought I did. HIV is not something that I ever thought that I would come to have first hand knowledge about. I wish it were still like that.

One of my very best friends was diagnosed with HIV in March. I'll admit that I thought that maybe, a very tiny nagging maybe lived inside me when I first found out they were testing him. Then he called with the news that it was positive. Nothing could prepare me for that moment. Nothing could prepare me for what all of that meant.

My friend had made choices about sex that many of us have made. Without being horribly graphic, we're all aware of what safe sex is and a lot of have chosen not to always partake in safe sex all of the time. Well he met a girl, and when things seemed like they would be moving in a physical relationship direction, he went and got tested because he knew he'd not been very safe. That test was negative. He was told not to worry about being re-tested in 3 to 6 months because this test was negative. Unfortunately, to say it mildly, that test produced a false negative. I have come to learn that this is not really that uncommon.

Fast forward to 3ish years. He's married to this girl and they have a beautiful child. He got really sick in December and he hasn't been able to get better. So he visits a new doctor and she runs a bunch of tests and BAM...life changes forever. His wife and child have since been tested and miraculously, they have tested negative. His wife will have some more tests later down the road but at this point, she is HIV negative. Thank you God.

I have learned about HIV meds, CD4 counts, viral load counts, genothru (I think) tests, types of drugs people show a lot of resistance to, common ailments for HIV positive people. I truly believe that knowledge is power. I have educated myself as much as I can in what all of this means. I have made phone calls to different health departments. I've joined about 10 new email newsletter groups. I have looked up so many drugs that if I had a better memory, I could find my way around a pharmacy! It doesn't do much for my friend but it allows me to have hope. It allows me to tell him things with a little more accuracy and a little more peace of mind.

He's sick. He's in the hospital now with PCP, which is a type of pneumonia that is pretty specific for HIV/AIDS patients. He has other health issues which are causing the disease to spread more quickly. He's now considered to have AIDS. That classification has to do with the pcp and the fact that his CD4 cell count is low and his viral load count is high. When a person's CD4 count drops believe 200, they are considered to  have AIDS. That number can go back up but because it has been down, they will forever be classified in the AIDS category.

Him being sick has been a lot to handle emotionally. I can't begin to imagine how he and his wife feel. I will say this, since Anitra has died, it has made death seem a lot more real. Having him sick has made us feel as though death is once again at our doors. I told Tai the other night that we do not mourn the living and that we can be sad and scared but that we will not mourn him until it is time to. We will not give up hope in this battle until there is no more hope to be had. I believe that with all my heart.

I have shared this with you for a couple of reasons. The first being that it is what is going on in our lives right now. It is part of our daily life as we continue to pray and hope for him to get well again and I'm sharing that with you as much as I share the rest of our lives. I am sharing this because it's on my mind and because I have his permission to do so. It's the emotions that I'm experiencing and it makes me feel better to be able to "write" them out and have them out in the universe. I think some people feel that's narcissistic but that's a whole other entry." Another reason I am sharing is because it's a great teaching moment. Those of you with children, and those of you without, remember that these things can happen to you. They can happen to your brother, your sister, your niece, nephew, best friend. I could give a lecture on safe sex but I'll save that for the health teachers.

Mostly I share this because I am asking you to pray. Pray for my friend, his family and his friends. Pray for wisdom for the doctor's and pray for strength. Pray for God's will and mercy. Thank you for your prayers and thank you for allowing me to share this story.

Living

Thursday was my birthday (thank you all for the happy wishes). We were on our way to school and Rey said "mommy, today you're 36!" I corrected her and said "35." She got a very sad look on her face and said that she wished her mommy could be here so I could be 36." That was a pretty intense moment for me. She doesn't remember it but in that second, I knew my dad was right. I have to be okay for the future because they need to know that they'll be ok for the future. Those weren't his words, he said it much better than I, but  I get it. I told her that her mommy was forever with us and that it was okay for me to be 36 and it is. I have to be 36, 37, 40, 50, etc...without her. Not without her in my heart but without her body because THEY are going to be 18, 21, 25, 30, etc...without her and they need to know that it's ok that she's not here. 

It totally sucks that she's not here. Totally. Yet, we will be okay. We will carry on. We will not "move on" (I really hate it when people say that) but we will carry on. We will carry on in our lives. We will make new memories, meet new people, have lives. 

Sometimes I feel as though I'm learning to live all over again. A lot of times I feel like each experience is a new experience, a scary experience, because she is not here. She was so much a part of me that I'm not I am even knew for sure where she ended and I began. Steve used to laugh and say he had two wives. Our family considered us all one family. I think that's probably one of the harder parts of this. She was so much a part of every single day, every single memory, every single event. The good news is that each "first" that we have without her, we get to tell such fun stories about her from the previous years and events. It's not the same as if she were with us in body but it's like she's never really completely gone. 

There are only a few things that I remember from her service. One thing I remember though is that the pastor said that "death is in the shadows and while it's okay to see the shadows, we must live in the light." We must continue our lives in the light. I must continue in the light so that they can continue in the light. Life is going to move forward  for us. It must. So thank you Rey and thank you Dad for all your wisdom. 

Birthdays

I know I have not been keeping up with this as often as I should. Apparently, I don't make a very good "blogger." The last month has been an extremely difficult one. I have felt the loss of Anitra to the very core of my being. I have had so many emotions, thoughts, outburts, etc...I had no idea that a person's heart could break so much and still keep beating. I had no idea that my heart could break so much and I'd still WANT to keep living, but I do and I will and I will keep those with us "living" as much as possible too. I know she is here with us. I can feel her. She even messes with us sometimes...even if some people think we're nuts for saying so!

Reyanne turned 7!! It was a big moment at our house. She was very excited as we planned her party and Tai helped her plan her cake. Tai made her a beautiful and yummy tiger cake. The party was all planned for Skate Zone and she was SO excited! Then the snow came.

I was sleeping peacefully when Genna came in and announced VERY loudly and very sadly that it was just awful outside and she couldn't see out the window! Up I got and sure enough...we were in the middle of a freaking blizzard. Rey announced that it was no longer her birthday. She was devastated. That is, until I told her that just meant that she got to have two birthday celebrations, two cakes, two special days. She perked right up then! She got to turn 7 and spend the day with her family. Everyone had to be nice to her. I made her breakfast for dinner so she could have those "yummy pancakes and super yummy potato things (hashbrowns-the girl seriously loves them!).

We had her party on the 23rd. While we were planning her party, I was struggling with the fact that her mommy was not going to be there. I think a part of me was relieved not to have to have the party that day. I wanted her mom there so much. By allowing us to celebrate her day without everyone there, I was able to have my sad moments in private. She had a blast at her party! The kids all had so much fun and I am so thankful that so many were able to come. So many of the kids that feel like family to her were there. Thank you Danielle, Leah, and Desirea for that. (I'm sure I didn't spell someone's name right!) April, Steve, Bailey were able to be there. Some friends for me, some friends for Rythm, family...it was a great day. I only cried once! :) OH...and Tai was not forced to make another tiger cake. We opted for cupcakes this time, although I'm not sure they were any less work. She does a truly amazing job.

Genna finally got to have her birthday party also. As most of you know, her birthday is in December. We try not to have a party in that month because heck, who has the extra time and can afford the extra gift! We try to have her party in late January. This year, that poor girl had to wait all the way until March 17th! I think she thought it was worth it though. She had a very special day at Paint Yourself Silly with her friends, Tai, and mom and dad. Crap...that just now reminded me that their pieces are done and I need to pick them up...adding that to my list now! Tai made a super cute bear cake for that one. Did I mention she does an amazing job?!

My birthday is next. I've struggled with that one. I am afraid if I have a birthday, it's somehow a sign that I'm "moving on." It's not that I don't want to hurt less, it's just the term "moving on" sounds extremely cold to me. I'm working on it. At any rate, I have decided that my birthday can come and we can celebrate. I am not afraid of getting older but I do not wish to be any different age without her. So in light of that, please everyone remember that I will forever be 35. I can't be 36, 37, 40, 45, 50, and on without her. Not yet.

We will be celebrating my day by going to see the new Wizard of Oz movie. I think the kids will really like that and it'll be fun. No cake for me, as I prefer peanut butter rice krispie treats, minus the chocolate, but I'm sure Tai will decorate them beautifully as well.

Well that's about it for now. I could promise to do better about updates in the future but I'm really working on not making promises I can't keep.  Love you to all!

Sick

Well it finally hit our family. The creepy, yucky, horrible crud that so many people have had to fight this winter.

I got it first. Last Thursday I fell asleep really early and slept a lot. I still felt really groggy the next day but I felt better throughout the weekend. I woke up Monday morning feeling ok. An hour into work, my chest began to feel like an elephant was sitting on it and I started the cough. By Monday night, I knew I was done for. Tuesday to the doctor to confirm bronchitis. Fevers, chills, body aches, horrible wheezy breath tones. Start the meds. Wed, pretty much felt like I was going to die. Or at least I was wishing I would. Thursday, less chest pressure but still fevers and chills. Awful.

Not as awful as the fact that Wed night brought Genna in to our room with sore ears. By Thursday morning, she was feverish and coughing. Off to the doctor for her. Started her meds. Thursday night she was much like death warmed over. Poor kid has been miserable.That is really the worse feeling in the world. To know that your child is sick and miserable and there just isn't much you can do about it.

Friday morning I finally am up with no fever and only slight dizziness. I am getting ready to go to work and hear a horrible cough sound from the next room. Rythm is now coughing something fierce. This girl doesn't actually enjoy missing school and since she was not feverish, off she went. She did see the doctor on Friday afternoon but only as a routine check-up. Today, she is incrediby tired, slightly feverish and not looking her best.

Also on Friday, I came home to a runny nosed Ariez. No cough as of yet and he seems to be holding in there. Praying God will spare him the horrible cough. He doesn't always have the strongest lungs, being so premature that's forever been a struggle for him.

As of this moment, Steve, Tai, Trey, and Rey seem to be holding their own. No symptoms from any of them and we're just going to keep praying that it stays that way.

Steve has done an amazing job taking care of all of us. He has taken all of us to the doctor's and picked up meds and special foods for each of us. Please God don't let him get this!

So this was our week. Praying that next week does not find us with more kids down with this crud. Will be buying stock in Lysol handy wipes soon.

Oh, and in case anyone was thinking about visiting, don't. It's a pretty dangerous play to be at this time.

Family Update

It's been awhile, minus the Halo post, since I've blogged so I thought I'd just take a minute to update everyone on our family.

Rythm has moved home with us. As most of you know, Rythm was living with my mom annd step-father since the death of Anitra. I won't go into the details as to way she is now here beccause they aren't mine to share. I will say that being with my parents is where she needed to be then and being here is where she needs to be now. Bringing another person into the house is always an adjust. We are working with some great people in the community to try to make these transitions as painless for everyone as possible. Everyone is excited to have her home and I think she's even a little excitied to be here.

That is the biggest physical change that our family has gone through. We continue to grow emotionally and we continue to all adjust to the changes that have gone on around us. We all continue to become whoever and whatever it is we are trying to be. I will not pretend that all of these changes in our life have been easy. They're not. They are hard. They kick our emotional butts on a regular basis. Each time I think we have it figured out, there is a new wrench thrown in.

Personally, I struggle the most with finding my new identity without Anitra. I struggle to figure out where I, as an individual woman, fit into the new roles I have embraced. Being the mother of 6 is tough. Being the wife of the father of 6 is tough. I have my really good days, and I have my really bad days. I'm learning who I am. I am learning about my own strength. I'm learning about my own limits.

As much as this is not the life I had ever imagined, I wouldn't give it to anyone else to live. Don't get me wrong. If I could have my sister back and rewind the last few months, I would. I would give almost anything to have her back. I would give anything to not see any of these babies hurt this way. I wish they didn't have to experience such pain and loss. I know I can't have those things. I know that we will embrace the new life that we have been given and do the best we can with it. We will make mistakes and we will do things right. I will do my best to what is right by Anitra and by all of these kids. I will keep defending that and hold my children's hands through each phase of whatever life has left to give us.

So that's it...we're all here...we're all living each day the only way we know how. We stumble, we fall, and we pick each other back up. We give second and third and fourth chances, and we keep on living. There are few things I remember from the funeral but one of them that I do is that the pastor said that the life we have is to be lived in the light. Death lives in the shadows and life lives in the light. Somedays we spend more time in the shadows then we want to or then we should but in the end, we will continue to live in the light and we will continue to bring the light to our family.

Halo

Halo is our cat. We rescued him when he was just a baby. We found him and his siblings and his mother on our block one night when we were coming home. His mom and siblings found new homes and we kept the one black cat. My husand loves black cats. Halo has been with us since Oct. of 2011.

Anyway...last Thursday Steve and I were in Council Bluffs and the kids and Cindy were at home. Halo came in from his lively day outside and had a red spot on him. The kids were worried because obviously the cat had been in a fight. When Steve and I got home the next day, Halo was a little worse for the wear but we thought that he would be fine. Cats are pretty adapt at fighting and healing from those fights...or so we thought.

Fast forward to Saturday night. We had all gone to eat and then Steve and his mom had gone to see William Shatner. Ariez freaked out when he saw the cat when we got home. The cat was not looking so well. He was walking slowly and nursing his shoulder blade. I, without paying much attention to the cat, said "oh he's fine. Leave him alone and let him heal."

An hour later and Tai is in my room in a panic about poor Halo and the hole in his back. I told her to bring him to me and sure enough, he had a gaping wound in his back that was clearly not healing properly on it's own. On a Saturday night in Lincoln there is probably only one place to take your pets.

We took him to the emergency vet clinic and were told that he was not doing very well. He had a raging infection in his back and a fever. The nurse brought me an estimate of what it would cost to fix up poor Halo. OMG! I had no idea that an animal could cost this much. I found out later that what we paid to fix up this poor kitty was actually pretty cheap. To me, it seemed like a fortune.

Here's the deal. I have always thought that having animals was a way to teach our children things. Pet ownership teaches them responsiblity. It teaches them compassion for all living things. Having pets is an incredible way to teach our children about death. Honestly, a year ago, or even 6 months ago, if this had happened to the cat, I would have cried but put the cat to sleep and explained about accidents and death to our children. Since it isn't 6 months or a year ago, my children have learned all they need to about death right now. They know the real pain that goes with losing someone, or something, that they love very much.

All of that is to say that there is no way in the world that I was going to not be bringing this cat home again. There was no chance that I was going to let this cat be put down. So, I paid the bill. I swallowed the bitter pill that was the bill and brought this kitty home.

He had to have a minor surgical procedure. We have had to nurse him back to health. We have had to change oozing bandages and force feed Halo medicine from a dropper. He did not enjoy that. We have listened to him cry and forced him into his kennel. We have bought onesies and cut them up just so that the kitty would have a dry shirt over his shaved back.

The kids learned new lessons. They learned that I will protect their hearts and the things that they love. They have learned how to care for an animal and be patient and have learned that prayer does work. They have learned that this animal is not only a part of our hearts but a part of our family. Those lessons are worth the money that it has cost. These lessons are worth the financial sacrifices that will be made to make Halo whole again.

I learned a lot of these same lessons.

"If Tomorrow Never Comes"

When you lose someone you love, you are left with a lot of questions. You are left with a lot of doubt. You are left with all the what ifs. You are left with a lot of why's.

The biggest question for me is always "did this person know how much I loved them?" "Did this person really love me?" "Did this person know how much they meant to me?" "Does this person have any idea how losing them would change life?"

I don't know the answers to those questions. I've lost grandparents, an aunt, babies taken to heaven too soon, friends, a sibling. I've lost people contact with people that I sometimes ask the same types of questions about. We all lose loved ones; I know I'm not alone in that.

Unanswered questions are a tough one for me. I like answers. I like things wrapped up neatly with little bows. Life is not about things being wrapped up neatly. Loss is not about little bows. Life and loss are about the unanswered parts. Life and loss are about not getting to know those things. It's about trying your hardest, and praying you succeeded, in letting the people you love know how much you love them.

I just looked up the lyrics to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks. That song truly does say it best.  "Cause I've lost loved ones in the past, who never knew how much I loved them..." How true is that lyric? We've all lost people, for a multiple of reasons, and we have all wondered "did they know?"

It's hard to imagine that they did. It's hard to imagine that you really showed them every day how much they meant to you. Even if you did, and most of us do, you're left with that question. We don't ask people how they would feel if tomorrow never came. We don't ask them if they feel like they were loved enough by us. We don't ask them if they would doubt our love for them if we weren't there next day. We don't ask them if they would doubt what our love for them was.

We like to think that all the people we love will always be there. That's not realistic. We lose people. We lose people to death, through life taking different courses, through ended friendships. I don't live in an alternate universe. I know I will continue to lose people. I hope it's not for many years to come and I certainly hope it's me before my children.

Mostly, I hope that when that time comes, when my tomorrow never comes, they will know how much I loved them. I hope I will know how much they loved me when their tomorrow never comes.

With Me

You walk with me every step I take. You are with me with every breath I take. You are with me in every decision I make. You are with me in everything I do. A moment does not go by that I don't miss you. You are with me in every move I make. 

There is not a moment that I don't I wish you were here. There is not a moment that I think my life is better without you. I am not "stuck" in the loss of you, even though there are times that life is crippling without you. I have accepted that you are gone for now. I have accepted that your new place in my life is in my spirit. 

Everything we had together, everything we did together, everything we meant to each other is still there for me. Everything I have felt for you is still there. Everything...the anger, the love, the disappointments, the laughter, the emotion. All of those things shape who I am today. All of those things shape who I will be tomorrow and the next day and the next. 

I don't regret having you, even if it meant losing you. I understand that you were brought into my life to teach me things about myself and to teach  me things about other people in life. I understand that losing you teaches me new things about myself and about other people in life. I regret no experience with you. I regret none of the good things because it has taught me to be who I am. I regret none of the bad things because it has taught me to appreciate all of the good. 

I don't believe that you will ever not be with me. I believe that you will forever be in my spirit because you were a part of my life. I believe that some day we will be together again. In a different life, in life after death, in whatever becomes of us. I believe I will hold you and be held by you again. I believe that we will laugh together again. I believe that we will cry together again. I believe that our lives are not over together simply because we're not physically together anymore. 

I believe that you are with me. Always and forever. I promised to always be there for you, and I am. Always and forever. You know where to find me and I know where to find you. Always and forever. 

To Each of My Children

When I write to each of my children, I am counting the ones that I was fortunate to give birth to and to the ones I have been blessed with by the gift my sister gave to me. Being given that gift has changed me. It has allowed me to know a different type of mother's love. It has taught me about sacrifice. It is absolutely possible to love children that I did not carry in me just as much as the ones I have. It's an amazing gift and I am honored to have each of my children in my life and to be given the ability to show them as much unconditional love as I can. I say these things to each of my children, whether they like me or not, whether they think that I love them or not, whether they live in our home or not.

So here goes...

To each of you, I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know and more than I can possibly say. I love you when I'm mad at you. I love you when you get bad grades. I love you when you don't like me. I love you when I'm disappointed in the choices you have made. I love you just as much when you do well. I love you just as much when you get good grades. I love you just as much when you say you love me and treat me with respect. I am honored to be your mom and I am honored to be "playing your mom during this show." (That one was for Ariez)

Loving you is not something I do lightly. I do it with every breath I take. I do it when I sleep and when I work and when I play. Loving you is something I do when I'm with you and when I'm not with you. Loving you is sometimes all I know how to do. Loving you is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed. Loving you has given me the strength to face my darkest demons.

I want for you the best that life has to give. I want you to reach your goals, no matter how big or small they may be. I will absolutely make mistakes. I will absolutely make decisions regarding what I think is best for you. I will do things that you disagree with. I will disagree with you, but I will respect you.

I love you enough to want to keep you safe. That means that I am tasked with making decisions about things that you think I have no right to decide. It means that I will protect you at all costs, even if that protection is from yourself. That means that you will not always like the decisions that I make. I will try to always protect you from people I believe are harmful to you. You will not always feel threatened by those people, which will make those choices harder for me to make, but I will still make those choices. I will do my best by you and I will do my best by Anitra when I make decisions. I will make decisions that my sister, your aunt and your mother, was not able to make.

I will pray about the choices I make. I will ask others for help in making choices that I can't make on my own. I will consult doctors and counselors and teachers and anyone else that I have to consult to make the best choices for your present and future.

You will come to a point in your childhood and early adulthood that you will think that you are old enough to make all decisions on your own. I will guide you in those choices. I will step in when I need to protect you from those choices. I will let you make mistakes in those decisions so that you will know how to make the right decision next time.

I will make choices that you do not like. I make them out of love for you even when you think otherwise.

I will ALWAYS be here for you, even when you don't think you need me and even when you don't want me to be. I will ALWAYS love you, even when you don't think you deserve it and even when you think you don't need it.

I promise to you that there is nothing you can do that will make me not love you. I promise to you that there is nothing you can say or do to me that will make me love you less. I promise to you that I do not love any one of you more than the other. I promise to you that there is nothing in this life that we cannot get through together. I promise to you that there is no problem that would make me turn my back on you.

I love you all. I pray that you will feel that love from me in your darkest hours.I pray that you will feel that love if you are in the same room or in a different state. I pray that you wherever you are, you will feel and know the love that I have for you. I pray that you will, in time, learn that the decisions that I make and that I will have to make in the future, come from my love for you.

Overwhelming

There are moments when it all simply, and not so simply, becomes just terrifyingly overwhelming. These moments are usually brought on by pure exhaustion or the lack of organization. It becomes increasingly hard to breathe, there is no chance that a real, clear thought can become clear, the words do not come out right or I simply can't find the words.

These moments are not as rare as I'd like them to be. These moments seem to come crashing down on an already stressful situation. These moments hit when the kids are loud and 'just being kids'. These moments hit when I've just hit the brink of my mental capacity to deal with anymore. These moments come out of nowhere, and yet I can remember them build and build throughout the day. These moments have little to do with the fact that Anitra has died. These moments have more to do with the noise and chaos of everyday life. When the laundry becomes too much because we've allowed it to get out of control, when the house is a mess because people have stopped picking up after themselves, and we've stopped telling them to pick their stuff up. They hit when I've repeated myself for the 20th time in less than 24 hours.

They hit when I'm anxious about the next day. I seem to have a lot of these moments on Sunday night or during the holidays. I have had some big moments like these the last couple of weeks. I'm relieved that the holidays are over but saddened still that Anitra was not with us for them. There are so many emotions with each new experience that we live without her. So much of this is so bittersweet.

Other times, I can't, or won't try, to understand the root of these moments. School is about to start up again. I'm reminded, by the mess and the laundry, that I did not have or help the kids accomplish the things I wanted to during the break. Rooms did not magically get organized, the laundry room did not magically get straightened up and organized. The chore charts did not magically get attended to. The list goes on...

Right now, the simple thought of sleeping seems terrifying because it means tomorrow morning will be here before I know it and it'll be time to start all over again. There will be long lists of things that I do not get to cross off of my to-do list at work. There will be fights about who wants to go to Scouts and who doesn't. I'll confess on that one. I know how important their activities are but truthfully, the last thing I want to do is quickly get home from work to feed the kids (quickly) to rush them out the door and attend meetings with them and then come home and rush to get snacks in and showers done and get ready for bed. There will be the usual repetition of "I said BRUSH YOUR TEETH." There will be the usual flurry of " who took a shower first LAST night?" Let's not forget the "I said GO TO BED! I will be there in a minute to tuck you in."

What I do in these moments isn't something I'm proud of. More often then not I yell and I cry. I contemplate giving up entirely, though I'm not even really sure what that means. The kids will still need to be attended to and I will still be expected to show up for life. Neither of these things are very productive. They don't solve the problem or make me feel any better. Usually, they just make me feel worse about the situation and feeling guilty about even thinking about giving up because giving up certainly doesn't effect just me. This all leads to more feelings of failure and being more overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed is a vicious circle.

It's a slippery slope, this thing called life.

Days of the Week

Thursdays used to be my favorite day of the week. There's the anticipation of Friday coming but no stress of "oh crap I have all of this stuff to do before I leave for the weekend." I still try to enjoy Thursdays but I am often reminded (by my own mind) that my sister died on a Thursday.

For some reason, Mondays seem to be my tough "Anitra Day" instead of Thursday. I know her memorial service was on a Monday so maybe that it's it. Or maybe it's just because I've spent the weekend with the kids and have held on to my sanity as long as possible and I'm reminded, again, that she's no longer here to participate in all of the things we do on the weekend. I get to spend all this amazing time with the kids on the weekends. Not that they don't, quite often, drive me nuts, but I do feel fortunate to have that time with them. Just enough for all of us! I so could not be a stay at home mom! My hat is off to all of my friends that are because I think it takes a really special mom to be able to be with your children for that amount of time without losing your mind.

Anyway...the whole point of all of this is that Friday night is my absolutely favorite time of the week. I don't have to feel bad about choosing to lounge around in pajama pants because I've worked all day. I don't have to feel bad about feeding the kids pizza for dinner because hey, it's Friday! I can stay up late and watch all my favorite shows because I don't have to work the next day. I can be free and let the kids run and stay up late because hey, it's Friday!

I wish my husband were home on Friday nights to hang out with the laid back me! I seldom lose my temper on a Friday night because I don't have a schedule and activities looming over me. The noise level from the children doesn't seem to bother me as much. They run and play and laugh and act crazy and I'm totally good with that...on Fridays. It's ok with me if they forget to brush their teeth (I really do try to remind them but honestly, on Fridays, I'm not very good about checking to make sure they did). I let them sleep wherever they land, mostly the living room, on Friday nights because hey, it's Friday and I can! I will confess that I let the younger girls sleep with me on Friday nights. They take up less room than Steve, AND they don't snore quite as loud as he does. Usually, whichever child is feeling a little invisible snuggles up with me while I hang out on the couch.

Saturdays, I feel like I should be more productive. I feel like I should take the kids out and do things. We also usually have some activity on Saturday. We have Brownies or Daisies or Boy Scouts. The kids go to grandma and grandpa sometimes. That's nice too so that I have a little more one on one or two on one OR three on one!

Sundays are reserved for cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, getting ready for school the following day. Sundays are reserved for being stressed about all the things I need to do for the week. Who has Scouts? Who has a doctors appointment? Who has a school event? I like the routine on Sundays of trying to get organized for the week. We try to always make a family dinner on Sunday night before Steve leaves for work. It's a chaotic dinner, as is dinner every night but Friday, but I love it. I love the calmness in the house on Sunday night after showers have been taken, teeth have been brushed, clothes have been set out, and the children are FINALLY in bed sleeping. Steve is gone on Sunday nights and I can just take a deep breath and enjoy the calm before the storm of Monday morning.

I'm a girl who thrives on routine, schedules, and lists. I like organization, not that I have much of that anymore, but still...I certainly couldn't live the excitement of Friday nights every day of the week. I rely on the routine of our lives to direct me where I need to go. I am not a person who likes change. I like to know what I'm going to be doing and where I'm going to be doing it and when I'm going to be doing it. Friday nights allow me a chance to escape all of that. Friday nights allow me to just be. I love my Friday nights and I love the ability to just breathe and absorb all the craziness around me. They are a chance for me let my hair down and be content in not having a plan or schedule. I love the peacefulness of Friday nights.

The 1st day of 2013

Let me start by saying that I was not excited about 2013 starting without my sister. I did not want 2012 to end because it felt like we were leaving that in the past and she will never be in the past. Anitra will always live in the present and future inside all of us in everything we do. I know this and still it seemed like an awful thing to happen. New Year's is supposed to be about new beginnings and all that jazz. I don't want a new beginning without her. I've struggled with this day looming for a couple of days.

God has a funny way of reminding me that there will forever be bigger things to do then simply miss my sister. Not that missing her is anything simple. The new year started with a bang at 12:45 am and my care taker role was much needed. Every time I feel like I'm just to allow myself a day of non-existence and hide in my room, I am needed by something greater than me. That situation ended fine with everyone being safe and warm and right where they needed to be at the time.

NEXT drama!! (There is always some!) Rey has troubles keeping her hands off of things that aren't hers. She's 6 so that's totally to be expecting. Unfortunately what she decided she had to have her hands on today was Tai's phone.

Eleven and half hours later, we still do not know where the phone is. Rey has changed stories so many times today that even I'm lost as to when she saw it, when she had, and where she may have taken it. All I know is that we have turned the house completely upside and we still have no phone. We have checked the cars, the outside, the trash, every room, every couch, every drawer. The phone is not to be found. Rey couldn't just misplace the phone, she also had to turn it off so we cannot use locator services or call it to hear it ring.

Tai has actually handled the situation much better than I thought she would. She's been frustrated to say the least but she has not freaked out. She has not yelled, cried, or stomped. I am really proud of her. I have not acted quite as well as she has. No big surprise there. I have yelled, cried, AND stomped to no avail. We cannot find the phone.

On the plus side, I did vacuum the innards of all of my furniture and swept behind and under all the couches and chairs. So at least 2013 has started with clean floors.

So, while it wasn't the day that I anticipated having, it was much more productive and I was reminded that life will in fact go on. I'm sure Anitra is getting a little laugh out of this one, as she and others were constantly misplacing her things.

A little backstory...

I'm going to start with a very brief back story. I'll try to keep this short.

On Sept. 13, 2012 my best friend, my 2nd oldest sister took her own life. Anitra had been mentally ill for a very long time. She had attempted suicide many times in the past and she had just left the mental health hospital the day before she completed suicide. There is so much to go with that story that I could simply blog about that. I'm sure I will go into pieces of that more in future posts.

My friend had some very wise words to say about this suicide. Lee David told me that he had never understood suicide before Anitra's passing. He said that he always viewed it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When Anitra took her life, he said it finally made sense. At least in this case. He said her troubles weren't temporary. A huge part of me completely agrees with this. I believe, and hope I always do, that her decision to end her life was the most peaceful decision she had been able to make in a very long time. I believe that she was finally at peace and was no longer scared, worried, or manic.

For now, Anitra's story is not the intent of this journey. Our life now is the intent of this written journey.  My sister left behind 3 beautiful children, ages 16, 12, and 6. They do not have real fathers in their lives and my sister had always felt very strongly that if she couldn't care for them, she wanted my husband and I too. We look at these children as a gift. These children, with all their "luggage" are the most amazing gifts that my sister had to give and she bestowed us with them. I will forever be grateful for that act. My 16 year old niece lives with my mother and step-father while the other two children live with us. Rythm will always be a part of our family but for the time being has decided not to live in the chaos of our home.

Steve and I have 3 biological children. My 15 year old from a previous marriage and a 12 year old, and a 9 year old.

One thing grief, and parenting 5 children, has taught me is to be more patient with myself. I have lost a lot of focus, short-term memory, and everyday things that I totally took for granted. Writing about our daily life will hopefully allow me to retain some of the feelings and memories that we are living through everyday. To be honest, I also find a huge sense of relief in getting stuff out there without having to talk about how I'm feeling.

If you are taking the time read this, I thank you. It's certainly not anything grand or special but it's our life and how we survive each new day.