Nonbinary, in the most basic of definitions, is used to describe someone who isn't exclusively male or female. Nonbinary does not mean transgender but can mean transgender.
My child has come out as being non-binary. They would like us to use an abbreviated name and to use the pronouns "they" and "them" when referring to them. I love my child. I want them to be able to find a peace in their life that seems to be missing.
I want to have a better understanding of the terms used to describe non-binary people. Terms like gender dysphoria and transgender and gender fluid. I want to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible so that I can educate people who may attack my child and their lifestyle. I want to be able to passionately and intelligently have a conversation with those who don't support my child. I don't want to just be that "crazy momma bear" because I can already to that.
I want to learn what makes my child most comfortable. I want my child to know that I am a safe haven and that I will always defend them. I want my child to know that they do not need to worry about doing what makes me comfortable but that it's my job to support them in being comfortable.
I will continue to research this topic. I will continue to ask for help in finding the answers I need. I will continue to find resources for my child so that they have a better understanding of what this means to them. They may find out that this isn't actually the term that describes them best. They may find out that this is the term they have been looking for to describe themselves for years.
Somebody recently said, "I don't really know what to say about this disclosure." I thought about that for a minute. You know what, you don't have to say anything about the disclosure; you only have to treat my child with respect that they are asking for.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Friday, November 1, 2019
Halloween
Remember the little plastic Halloween costumes? They body of it was plastic and then it was topped up with a plastic mask with cut out holes for your eyes and mouth. I can't tell you how many of those I have worn. I distinctly remember being Barbie one year. We'd bundle up and put the costume up over our clothes and then put on the mask and we were set. We always had the little orange pumpkin candy buckets. Our parents would load us up and we'd make the stops to grandparents and then hit a few houses.
As we got older, our costumes evolved. No more plastic bodies. I remember being a California singing raisin one year. One year I was a carrot. The neighborhood was so alive on Halloween! All the kids were out on the sidewalks, all the houses were lit up waiting for trick-or-treaters (well, not that ONE house; every neighborhood had that ONE house that was dark and nobody would visit)!
When my kiddos were little we did the same things. We bundled them up, took them to see grandparents, took them door-to-door. For many years, we would take the kids to my sister's and the dads would take the kids trick-or-treating while the moms stayed back to hand out candy.
Now they're older. The kids go out on their own and the grown ups sit back and chat. We have a tradition now of 50 cent corn dogs from Sonic and tater tots. Kids grab food on their way to the next adventure or on the way to the fold up table to carve pumpkins. The neighbors join us.
Life is constantly changing. Everyone is on the move. It's nice that Halloween lets us all connect and move about in our circles creating new traditions and letting go of old ones that don't fit anymore. Still together, just in different spaces.
As we got older, our costumes evolved. No more plastic bodies. I remember being a California singing raisin one year. One year I was a carrot. The neighborhood was so alive on Halloween! All the kids were out on the sidewalks, all the houses were lit up waiting for trick-or-treaters (well, not that ONE house; every neighborhood had that ONE house that was dark and nobody would visit)!
When my kiddos were little we did the same things. We bundled them up, took them to see grandparents, took them door-to-door. For many years, we would take the kids to my sister's and the dads would take the kids trick-or-treating while the moms stayed back to hand out candy.
Now they're older. The kids go out on their own and the grown ups sit back and chat. We have a tradition now of 50 cent corn dogs from Sonic and tater tots. Kids grab food on their way to the next adventure or on the way to the fold up table to carve pumpkins. The neighbors join us.
Life is constantly changing. Everyone is on the move. It's nice that Halloween lets us all connect and move about in our circles creating new traditions and letting go of old ones that don't fit anymore. Still together, just in different spaces.
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Fall
It's 1982. It's October. The leaves have changed and there is a crisp feel to the air. It's dark but probably not late. There's a knock at the door and behind the door is dad. He's been gone and missed so there is excitement in seeing him.
The little girl is 4 years old. She has long blonde hair and blue eyes. She and her baby sister get ready to go with Daddy. Their bags are packed, they don't have much. The 4 year old is put in little brown shoes that are too small for her feet and they squish and hurt her toes.
They leave the only home they really remember. It's not always safe there but their mom and sisters are there and it's all they know. It's good for them to be leaving but they don't know that. They are going on an adventure with their Daddy.
They arrive at Grandma's house. She's kind of grumpy and says some mean things about their Mommy but they are really too young to understand. Grandpa takes out his pocket knife and cuts the ends off the little girl's too small shoes. Then Grandma and Daddy take her to the grocery store to buy some shoes that fit her feet.
Fall brings memories as the air changes with the leaves. It gets darker earlier and there's a feeling that sometimes the now all grown up 4 year old just can't shake. It's not a bad story. There wasn't a fight. It's not even an unpleasant memory. It's just something life changing that sits there.
The little girl is 4 years old. She has long blonde hair and blue eyes. She and her baby sister get ready to go with Daddy. Their bags are packed, they don't have much. The 4 year old is put in little brown shoes that are too small for her feet and they squish and hurt her toes.
They leave the only home they really remember. It's not always safe there but their mom and sisters are there and it's all they know. It's good for them to be leaving but they don't know that. They are going on an adventure with their Daddy.
They arrive at Grandma's house. She's kind of grumpy and says some mean things about their Mommy but they are really too young to understand. Grandpa takes out his pocket knife and cuts the ends off the little girl's too small shoes. Then Grandma and Daddy take her to the grocery store to buy some shoes that fit her feet.
Fall brings memories as the air changes with the leaves. It gets darker earlier and there's a feeling that sometimes the now all grown up 4 year old just can't shake. It's not a bad story. There wasn't a fight. It's not even an unpleasant memory. It's just something life changing that sits there.
Friday, October 25, 2019
My Anxiety
My husband, bless his heart, said to me last night, "do you want to take Rey to Dollar Tree?"
Perfectly acceptable question. He was trying to help me alleviate the anxiety that was coursing through my body at the moment.
"Are you kidding me?! Do you know what can happen?", I frantically replied.
At that moment, all I could think about were the number of cars that could lose control and run into me, the inexperienced teenage driver who could slam into me because they weren't paying attention. I immediately thought about how someone could come in and rob the store while we were there. I thought about how if I let Rey go into a different aisle, I wouldn't be there to step in front of her to stop a bullet. I thought about what would happen if there was something wet in the aisle and I slipped and broke my leg, or worse my back or arm and it would make it very difficult to work. There was even the possibility that there would be a masked madman hiding near my garage when we went to get in the van.
I KNOW these things are extreme. I KNOW these things aren't very realistic. I KNOW that my fears were unrealistic, but that didn't stop them from coming. Knowing didn't stop my heart from racing and my blood pressure going up and my body feeling tense.
That's what my anxiety looks like a LOT of the time. I start sweating and can hear my heartbeat in my head. I can instantly picture mass chaos and disaster and trauma.
And then, my anxiety tells me how stupid I am for thinking those things. It tells me how ridiculous it is that I would even let my mind take me there. It tells me that I'm annoying to my husband because he was just trying to help. It tells me that I'm irrational.
This is MY generalized anxiety disorder. Panic creeping in out of nowhere for no real reason. It's in the season for me. G's panic tells her to go, go, go. Her anxiety makes her need to go to the store, need to be out of the house, need to be on the move.
Perfectly acceptable question. He was trying to help me alleviate the anxiety that was coursing through my body at the moment.
"Are you kidding me?! Do you know what can happen?", I frantically replied.
At that moment, all I could think about were the number of cars that could lose control and run into me, the inexperienced teenage driver who could slam into me because they weren't paying attention. I immediately thought about how someone could come in and rob the store while we were there. I thought about how if I let Rey go into a different aisle, I wouldn't be there to step in front of her to stop a bullet. I thought about what would happen if there was something wet in the aisle and I slipped and broke my leg, or worse my back or arm and it would make it very difficult to work. There was even the possibility that there would be a masked madman hiding near my garage when we went to get in the van.
I KNOW these things are extreme. I KNOW these things aren't very realistic. I KNOW that my fears were unrealistic, but that didn't stop them from coming. Knowing didn't stop my heart from racing and my blood pressure going up and my body feeling tense.
That's what my anxiety looks like a LOT of the time. I start sweating and can hear my heartbeat in my head. I can instantly picture mass chaos and disaster and trauma.
And then, my anxiety tells me how stupid I am for thinking those things. It tells me how ridiculous it is that I would even let my mind take me there. It tells me that I'm annoying to my husband because he was just trying to help. It tells me that I'm irrational.
This is MY generalized anxiety disorder. Panic creeping in out of nowhere for no real reason. It's in the season for me. G's panic tells her to go, go, go. Her anxiety makes her need to go to the store, need to be out of the house, need to be on the move.
Monday, October 21, 2019
"just..."
This may very well be an unpopular post. That's ok. You may not agree with me. That's ok. You may agree with me. That's okay too.
This post is not about the medicinal properties of THC or hemp or any of the positive things that can come from mj. This post is not about the legalities or if it should or shouldn't be legal. It's not legal where I live and therefore, it's an illegal substance so "but it SHOULD be legal" is not a valid argument to this particular post.
I have smoked weed. I have enjoyed a few edibles in my day. That's just my disclaimer so nobody can say, "but you...".
Here's when I have a problem with weed (and alcohol for that matter or really any substance (food included) that you may be using)...
If you are willing to throw away the stability of your family to consistently get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are willing to put your child at risk because of your actions, it's not "just" weed.
If you have no other goal in your day than to get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are not able to gain willful employment because you can't pass a drug test, it's not "just" weed.
If you like to get high every once in awhile, it's "just" weed.
If your life consists of so much more than just chasing that high, it's "just" weed.
If you are a productive member of society and are self-supporting and still smoke weed, it's "just" weed.
If you are using weed to medicate and that's the ONLY time you use it, it's "just" weed.
If whatever substance you are using is in fact no longer optional but required for living, you may have a problem. Let's get help. I need help with food. I need help with cigarettes. I need help. Do you need help? If so, reach out. Please. Addiction to anything never impacts just the person using. Never.
This post is not about the medicinal properties of THC or hemp or any of the positive things that can come from mj. This post is not about the legalities or if it should or shouldn't be legal. It's not legal where I live and therefore, it's an illegal substance so "but it SHOULD be legal" is not a valid argument to this particular post.
I have smoked weed. I have enjoyed a few edibles in my day. That's just my disclaimer so nobody can say, "but you...".
Here's when I have a problem with weed (and alcohol for that matter or really any substance (food included) that you may be using)...
If you are willing to throw away the stability of your family to consistently get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are willing to put your child at risk because of your actions, it's not "just" weed.
If you have no other goal in your day than to get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are not able to gain willful employment because you can't pass a drug test, it's not "just" weed.
If you like to get high every once in awhile, it's "just" weed.
If your life consists of so much more than just chasing that high, it's "just" weed.
If you are a productive member of society and are self-supporting and still smoke weed, it's "just" weed.
If you are using weed to medicate and that's the ONLY time you use it, it's "just" weed.
If whatever substance you are using is in fact no longer optional but required for living, you may have a problem. Let's get help. I need help with food. I need help with cigarettes. I need help. Do you need help? If so, reach out. Please. Addiction to anything never impacts just the person using. Never.
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Balancing Symptoms and Side Effects
Mania and anxiety can increase one's sexual drive.
Depression can zap one's sex drive.
Antidepressants can zap one's sex drive.
Lack of antidepressants can increases one's mania and anxiety (as well as depression).
No antidepressants can make one feel like crying at anything and everything.
Antidepressants can make one feel numb to all of it.
The list just goes on and on. This is the all too common balancing act for those living with depression and anxiety. Through in some bipolar disorder just for fun and it's a lot. To treat or not to treat. Are the symptoms worse than the side effects of the medications? Do the medications take away good things in your life that have nothing to do with your mental health (SEX!)?
Mental illness and the symptoms of treating or not treating do not care if you're rich or poor. They do not care if you have a college degree or don't. They do not care if your life is typical a stress ball or if your life is super calm. They do not care if you have 1 kiddo or 8 kiddos. They do not care if you are a man or a woman, homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual. They don't care if you're a Christian, Muslim, atheist. They don't care if you "come from a good home/family" or if you are "street rat (Aladdin).
None of the ways you use to identify yourself matter when it comes to mental illness and the symptoms of treating or not treating. Obviously those stations and identities can play a part in mental illness, but they don't cause mental illness and they don't protect you from mental illness. They can determine the type of treatment you get but they can't keep you from experiencing side effects that are often unpleasant to live with.
Welcome to my reality for the day. I'm going to bite the bullet and increase one of my meds. I know what to expect. The side effects are annoying but not worse than the symptoms at this time.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Boss's Day
It's National Boss's Day. It has me thinking about all sorts of bosses and what they've taught me over the years. It's made me think about how I have become the professional person that I am today. It's made me think about what influence I have had in other's lives because of their influences.
My first bosses ever...my parents. They have certainly taught me a lot. Some of those lessons were about things I wanted to do differently when I became a boss parent but they've mostly taught me my core lessons.
Bob, my boss at McDonald's when I was 16. Every time he would see me he would say, "hi Sam I am!" Every time I would respond with, "hi, Bob. Sam I Am, Bob You Are." I had some pretty great bosses at McD's throughout the years. I worked at 3 different locations in 2 different states, 3 different towns for 5 years total.
Mark from Cabela's. He had a laugh that you could hear a block away and he pretty much always had a smile on his face. He didn't fire me when I was pregnant and my hubby had to have emergency surgery. He showed grace and compassion.
The nasty boss I had as a sandwich artist. Actually, I had two nasty bosses from two different sandwich shops. I wonder if it was in the air? They actually taught me a LOT about who I didn't ever want to become if I were ever another employee's "boss."
John O, from W&R. I can't say enough amazing things about him. He was the greatest boss I've ever had. He taught me how to stand on my own two feet, not just professionally but also personally. He taught me that I deserved to feel some confidence in my work. He showed me how to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. He was compassionate when I needed compassion, stern when I needed stern, an ear when I needed to talk. I cried in his office more times than I would like to remember but always knew I could count on him. He led. He built. He never gave up on me. He was there during some of my darkest days. He was exactly the boss I needed at exactly those moments in my life. Thank you!!
The boss I had that could only feel successful if she was tearing someone down. The emotional abuse she puts people through is insane but I'll tell you something. I learned a lot from her. I learned how to balance the feelings you can have about someone's good sides and bad sides. I learned numbers and budgets and grants like nobody's business so I'm thankful for that.
My current LADY BOSS! KBD leads by example. She is constantly there to build and empower and pushes us all to be better people, to never turn an eye, to never go nasty but stay firm. She allows me to grow and attend trainings and be a part of a community and allows me to feel the mission of the YWCA.
Are you a boss? Are you the boss that you needed when you needed a boss? Do you have a boss? What lessons have you taken from your bosses through the years?
My first bosses ever...my parents. They have certainly taught me a lot. Some of those lessons were about things I wanted to do differently when I became a boss parent but they've mostly taught me my core lessons.
Bob, my boss at McDonald's when I was 16. Every time he would see me he would say, "hi Sam I am!" Every time I would respond with, "hi, Bob. Sam I Am, Bob You Are." I had some pretty great bosses at McD's throughout the years. I worked at 3 different locations in 2 different states, 3 different towns for 5 years total.
Mark from Cabela's. He had a laugh that you could hear a block away and he pretty much always had a smile on his face. He didn't fire me when I was pregnant and my hubby had to have emergency surgery. He showed grace and compassion.
The nasty boss I had as a sandwich artist. Actually, I had two nasty bosses from two different sandwich shops. I wonder if it was in the air? They actually taught me a LOT about who I didn't ever want to become if I were ever another employee's "boss."
John O, from W&R. I can't say enough amazing things about him. He was the greatest boss I've ever had. He taught me how to stand on my own two feet, not just professionally but also personally. He taught me that I deserved to feel some confidence in my work. He showed me how to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. He was compassionate when I needed compassion, stern when I needed stern, an ear when I needed to talk. I cried in his office more times than I would like to remember but always knew I could count on him. He led. He built. He never gave up on me. He was there during some of my darkest days. He was exactly the boss I needed at exactly those moments in my life. Thank you!!
The boss I had that could only feel successful if she was tearing someone down. The emotional abuse she puts people through is insane but I'll tell you something. I learned a lot from her. I learned how to balance the feelings you can have about someone's good sides and bad sides. I learned numbers and budgets and grants like nobody's business so I'm thankful for that.
My current LADY BOSS! KBD leads by example. She is constantly there to build and empower and pushes us all to be better people, to never turn an eye, to never go nasty but stay firm. She allows me to grow and attend trainings and be a part of a community and allows me to feel the mission of the YWCA.
Are you a boss? Are you the boss that you needed when you needed a boss? Do you have a boss? What lessons have you taken from your bosses through the years?
Friday, September 13, 2019
Today
It's a weird day.
It's Friday the 13th, which means nothing to me except my husband says those are the luckiest days of the year. :)
I recognized at 8:30 this morning that while I was dropping of Rileigh at school, that 7 years ago I was hearing her voice for the last time ever. Did I miss something? I don't think so. She sounded ok. Not great, she'd just gotten out of the hospital the day before, but not alarming. Nothing that made me concerned that it might be the last time I ever heard her live voice. "Call me if you need anything. I love you sissy." "Ok, I love you too sissy."
I recognized at 12:30 this afternoon that 7 years ago today she was officially deceased. We wouldn't know for another 4 hours but the police said she died between 8:30 a.m. and 12:00 p.m.
I'm not more sad today then I am any other time that I miss her. Then I feel guilty for that because maybe I'm supposed to be? I'm not more aware of her being gone today then I am other days. It's another day that she is not here with us.
I am so grateful that she is at peace. I am also thankful for our family, the big messy chaos of becoming a family with 6 kids instead of 3. I'm thankful for them all. I'm aware of the fact that had this day not happened 7 years ago, we wouldn't be that same family. I'm not more aware of that today then I am any other day.
That doesn't mean I don't value the significance of this day. I recognize that it might be a harder day for some other people. I want everyone to feel exactly how they need to feel today but am also hopeful that they recognize that today is a day. Tomorrow will be a new day of feelings and processing.
There's no real point to this post other than to say that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel so I feel weird.
Love to all - me
It's Friday the 13th, which means nothing to me except my husband says those are the luckiest days of the year. :)
I recognized at 8:30 this morning that while I was dropping of Rileigh at school, that 7 years ago I was hearing her voice for the last time ever. Did I miss something? I don't think so. She sounded ok. Not great, she'd just gotten out of the hospital the day before, but not alarming. Nothing that made me concerned that it might be the last time I ever heard her live voice. "Call me if you need anything. I love you sissy." "Ok, I love you too sissy."
I recognized at 12:30 this afternoon that 7 years ago today she was officially deceased. We wouldn't know for another 4 hours but the police said she died between 8:30 a.m. and 12:00 p.m.
I'm not more sad today then I am any other time that I miss her. Then I feel guilty for that because maybe I'm supposed to be? I'm not more aware of her being gone today then I am other days. It's another day that she is not here with us.
I am so grateful that she is at peace. I am also thankful for our family, the big messy chaos of becoming a family with 6 kids instead of 3. I'm thankful for them all. I'm aware of the fact that had this day not happened 7 years ago, we wouldn't be that same family. I'm not more aware of that today then I am any other day.
That doesn't mean I don't value the significance of this day. I recognize that it might be a harder day for some other people. I want everyone to feel exactly how they need to feel today but am also hopeful that they recognize that today is a day. Tomorrow will be a new day of feelings and processing.
There's no real point to this post other than to say that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel so I feel weird.
Love to all - me
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Dear Mental Health
This was written by my pretty amazing 15 year old. She is insanely brave to share her journey and to keep fighting.
"Dear depression please stop thinking of ways you are going to crash the car.
Dear anxiety please stop worrying about people crashing into me.
Dear bipolar stop telling people you are crazy your not crazy.
Dear anxiety stop thinking about the day going bad.
Dear depression let me get out of this bed.
Dear anxiety I know I locked the door don't tell me I didn't lock the door.
Dear bipolar I don't want to laugh again.
Dear depression get out of bed I mean it.
Dear anxiety she's not looking at you, you're looking at her.
Dear depression stop asking Google if you have friends Google doesn't know anymore than you.
Dear anxiety stop thinking that Google knows everything about you.
Dear bipolar stop talking no one is listening.
Dear anxiety they aren't cheating and even if they were it's just a stupid board game.
Dear depression people do love you.
Dear brain stop rejecting the meds I need them to work this time.
Dear bipolar do not make me tell you to get out of this bed.
Dear anxiety stop telling my sister I love her she knows and she knew that the 8th time I told her today.
Dear depression you do not need to die you're fine.
Dear bipolar do not tell me I don't need these meds.
Dear anxiety could you just stop for a second I need to catch up on what we are worried about.
Dear depression thank you for getting out of bed but now the couch?
Dear bipolar I really don't need 12 hours of sleep but thanks for the suggestion.
Dear anxiety why are you you sweating it's 50 degrees out.
Dear depression please go play basketball.
Dear bipolar stop touching your sisters head shes probably annoyed.
Dear anxiety stop thinking.
Dear depression stop being gloomy.
And bipolar stop being a nebraskas weather wannabe it's not happening.
Dear mental health good bye." -- Genevieve Fankhauser
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Courtney
We were friends back in the day. I have pictures of you from slumber parties and classes together and we worked together for a time. I can remember your smile, your tears, your laughter, your voice from choir together.
We didn't really stay in touch but I watched your family and life on Facebook. I laughed at so many of your posts and prayed for you when your aunt died. I applauded your son's graduation and your daughter's dances and your anniversaries and date nights.
I'm thinking of your family tonight. They don't know that tomorrow is just another hard day and the days since Friday have been hard but there are so many more hard ones to come. I have prayed for them. I cried for your daughter's pleas to come back. There will be more pleas in the next days and weeks and years.
My heart hurts for them as they try to make sense of the tragedy of losing you. It's over for you but really just beginning for them. So tonight I lay in bed and pray for them. I pray that you have found the peace you were looking for and I pray for their hearts that will never really beat the same.
May you rest in peace, sweet Courtney and may your family find peace in any little moments they can.
xxoo
Friday, April 26, 2019
Blah
The anxiety left after 2 days. Two days longer than it was invited for. It left the souvenir of "blah-ness." I told my husband I felt sad and that wasn't really accurate. I just feel blah.
And exhausted. Totally, completely exhausted. The type of exhaustion that you just feel all the way deep in your soul and there's no real need for it.
I feel clingy and want to be super close to my husband but also want to be left alone at the exact same moment.
I want to crawl in bed and sleep for days. I want to stay in the dark and just be. I know that won't actually make me feel better but maybe just a short nap? I tell my girls, "the longer you stay in bed, the harder it is to get out of bed." True statement for depression but also...just the things I feel like I want the most.
It doesn't help that I knew this would be the next feeling after riding anxiety for a couple days. It doesn't help that I know I won't go to bed right now because I have too much to do and also because I know that it will most likely just leave me more tired.
So here we are...the next phase. Neither one better or worse than the other. Neither one very welcome. Neither one scheduled on Cozi. Neither one willing to sit back on the back burner and let me truly enjoy the days.
Thankfully, they pass. All of these days pass. They don't come as frequent as they used to. They don't stay as long as they used to. They're more manageable. They exist just as I do. Moments in time.
And exhausted. Totally, completely exhausted. The type of exhaustion that you just feel all the way deep in your soul and there's no real need for it.
I feel clingy and want to be super close to my husband but also want to be left alone at the exact same moment.
I want to crawl in bed and sleep for days. I want to stay in the dark and just be. I know that won't actually make me feel better but maybe just a short nap? I tell my girls, "the longer you stay in bed, the harder it is to get out of bed." True statement for depression but also...just the things I feel like I want the most.
It doesn't help that I knew this would be the next feeling after riding anxiety for a couple days. It doesn't help that I know I won't go to bed right now because I have too much to do and also because I know that it will most likely just leave me more tired.
So here we are...the next phase. Neither one better or worse than the other. Neither one very welcome. Neither one scheduled on Cozi. Neither one willing to sit back on the back burner and let me truly enjoy the days.
Thankfully, they pass. All of these days pass. They don't come as frequent as they used to. They don't stay as long as they used to. They're more manageable. They exist just as I do. Moments in time.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Anxiety
There are days that the anxiety feels like too much.
It isn't necessarily triggered by anything but yet feels to be triggered by everything all at the same time. Like I'm forgetting to feel or do something big, or even a bunch of little things. It feels like some bad thing is in the near future or has already happened but I don't know about it yet.
The stack of dishes at home seems overwhelming to think about. The stack of paperwork in my desk seems too overwhelming to put away. The bills that need paid (that will be paid on payday) seem too much even though I know they aren't because we pay them every month. The kids that need things (as kids should) that feel too big a need, even if it's just to feed them dinner. The thought of driving home but not wanting to be anywhere else.
With the anxiety usually comes guilt. I'm spread too thin to give each entity exactly how much they need. Guilt that I stayed up too late or went to bed too early. Guilt that I could not be exactly who each person needed me to be in that exact moment. Guilt that I haven't done enough and won't leave a lasting legacy when my time has come.
Some of the things I get anxious about sound silly, especially to me on a good day but on a bad day...well all bets are off and I can imagine and feel every single emotion and thought that there is.
I know that it will pass but in the meantime, it sits on my chest like a very large elephant, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to focus. Making it hard to feel just ok. So I tell myself, "it's okay to not feel ok all of the time." I tell myself, "the only one who expects you to do it all perfectly is yourself (though that one is mostly a lie)." But I don't feel the things I tell myself. I still feel the anxiety and the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed and do nothing.
I know that out of the blue, I will feel better. No magic pill, no magic solution to any real or imagined problem. Just boom...I won't feel it in my soul anymore. I don't know if that will happen in an hour, in 3 hours, tomorrow...it's passing is as unpredictable as it's coming.
It isn't necessarily triggered by anything but yet feels to be triggered by everything all at the same time. Like I'm forgetting to feel or do something big, or even a bunch of little things. It feels like some bad thing is in the near future or has already happened but I don't know about it yet.
The stack of dishes at home seems overwhelming to think about. The stack of paperwork in my desk seems too overwhelming to put away. The bills that need paid (that will be paid on payday) seem too much even though I know they aren't because we pay them every month. The kids that need things (as kids should) that feel too big a need, even if it's just to feed them dinner. The thought of driving home but not wanting to be anywhere else.
With the anxiety usually comes guilt. I'm spread too thin to give each entity exactly how much they need. Guilt that I stayed up too late or went to bed too early. Guilt that I could not be exactly who each person needed me to be in that exact moment. Guilt that I haven't done enough and won't leave a lasting legacy when my time has come.
Some of the things I get anxious about sound silly, especially to me on a good day but on a bad day...well all bets are off and I can imagine and feel every single emotion and thought that there is.
I know that it will pass but in the meantime, it sits on my chest like a very large elephant, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to focus. Making it hard to feel just ok. So I tell myself, "it's okay to not feel ok all of the time." I tell myself, "the only one who expects you to do it all perfectly is yourself (though that one is mostly a lie)." But I don't feel the things I tell myself. I still feel the anxiety and the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed and do nothing.
I know that out of the blue, I will feel better. No magic pill, no magic solution to any real or imagined problem. Just boom...I won't feel it in my soul anymore. I don't know if that will happen in an hour, in 3 hours, tomorrow...it's passing is as unpredictable as it's coming.
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Teamwork
I've seen two versions of this on several different fb posts today.
I distinctly remember telling my husband, during a particularly rough patch, "I don't need you to do this life with me. I WANT to do this life with you but I do not need you to survive it." I was pretty proud of my "I am woman, hear me roar" statement at that moment.
It's a true, and untrue statement all at the same time.
Truth - If, God-forbid something happened to my husband or my wedded status, I would in-fact survive. It wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be as great and it wouldn't be my dream. Life would look very, very different than I have imagined our future. It would make me sad and it would make me angry and it would even probably take a good amount of time to get to "survival." But survive I would...
Untrue - I DO need him to do THIS life. The life that we are living right this minute, the life that we have envisioned for our future, the life that we want to live (well, I haven't asked him today so I should say I want to live (haha)). This life, the one we keep fighting for, the one we keep asking our children to hold onto, needs both of us together needing each other.
There is absolutely no shame in needing a person. There is no shame in needing each other to get through life's every day crap. It's not even all the big stuff; it's the nitty-gritty day-by-exhausting-day stuff that we need each other for. He needs me to start dinner because I get home earlier. I need him to do the laundry because it's something that totally overwhelms me. He needs me to remind him about appointments. I need him to make sure the bills are all paid. He needs me to set my alarm early to make sure the kids have gotten up. I need him to stay up later to pick up kids from events.
Now, could we do these things on our own? I mean, of course we could. We are both pretty competent people. But the point is that we don't have to do all of it ourselves. We are a team. We do absolutely depend on each other and need each other as a part of our team.
Depending on each other isn't weakness, it isn't a lack of independence, it's teamwork.
I distinctly remember telling my husband, during a particularly rough patch, "I don't need you to do this life with me. I WANT to do this life with you but I do not need you to survive it." I was pretty proud of my "I am woman, hear me roar" statement at that moment.It's a true, and untrue statement all at the same time.
Truth - If, God-forbid something happened to my husband or my wedded status, I would in-fact survive. It wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be as great and it wouldn't be my dream. Life would look very, very different than I have imagined our future. It would make me sad and it would make me angry and it would even probably take a good amount of time to get to "survival." But survive I would...
Untrue - I DO need him to do THIS life. The life that we are living right this minute, the life that we have envisioned for our future, the life that we want to live (well, I haven't asked him today so I should say I want to live (haha)). This life, the one we keep fighting for, the one we keep asking our children to hold onto, needs both of us together needing each other.
There is absolutely no shame in needing a person. There is no shame in needing each other to get through life's every day crap. It's not even all the big stuff; it's the nitty-gritty day-by-exhausting-day stuff that we need each other for. He needs me to start dinner because I get home earlier. I need him to do the laundry because it's something that totally overwhelms me. He needs me to remind him about appointments. I need him to make sure the bills are all paid. He needs me to set my alarm early to make sure the kids have gotten up. I need him to stay up later to pick up kids from events.
Now, could we do these things on our own? I mean, of course we could. We are both pretty competent people. But the point is that we don't have to do all of it ourselves. We are a team. We do absolutely depend on each other and need each other as a part of our team.
Depending on each other isn't weakness, it isn't a lack of independence, it's teamwork.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Sibling Day
Apparently it's National Sibling Day. I have seen it all over Facebook so it must be true.
I have a super blended family. A couple of them. On my biological father's side, I have 1 sister, two brothers. On my biological mothers side, I have 4 sisters (one is the same as my dad's side), 2 brothers. One of these sisters is full-blooded, 2 sisters are half-sisters, 2 brothers are half-brothers, 2 brothers are step-brothers, and 1 sister is a step-sister. Did I mention one my sisters is deceased? That makes it for a whole other question when people ask, "how many siblings do you have?" On one side of my family I am the youngest but middle and on the other side of the family I am the oldest. Try explaining all of that to a genetic counselor. :)
In turn, I have my own super blended set of blended children. Three of my children are biologically mine, 1 of them is biologically mine but from a previous marriage, and 3 of them are adopted but are also my nieces and nephew. So their sibling set is complicated too. All but two of my children have extended siblings.
How many friends do you have that you consider a sibling? I have a couple. They are so close that friend doesn't seem quite appropriate even though there is nothing biologically making them a sibling.
How do you celebrate National Sibling Day? Did you even know it was a thing? Is it even a thing?
To be honest, when Anitra first died, I struggled with it. Now, I smile when I see all the silly memes and remember those times of fighting over the remote (like my daughter just posted). I give heart hugs (little heart prayers) to those expressing loss of siblings. I pull memories from my mind of each of my siblings. I smile, or frown, depending on which memory is pulled.
Being a sibling is fun! Sure, there are moments when we've each thought "dang, I wish I was an only child!" Mostly though, I feel bad for my friends who don't have siblings...they have no idea that you could hope beyond hope that one of them got blamed for whatever was messy or broken growing up; they have no idea that there's a whole language for siblings. I hope that they have friends and cousins that they consider siblings.
I'm so thankful for all of the lessons my siblings and I have learned together, or been taught by each other. I'm thankful my kids have a wide-variety of the same.
Happy Siblings Day! (Not to any of my siblings because they don't read this! HA!)
I have a super blended family. A couple of them. On my biological father's side, I have 1 sister, two brothers. On my biological mothers side, I have 4 sisters (one is the same as my dad's side), 2 brothers. One of these sisters is full-blooded, 2 sisters are half-sisters, 2 brothers are half-brothers, 2 brothers are step-brothers, and 1 sister is a step-sister. Did I mention one my sisters is deceased? That makes it for a whole other question when people ask, "how many siblings do you have?" On one side of my family I am the youngest but middle and on the other side of the family I am the oldest. Try explaining all of that to a genetic counselor. :)
In turn, I have my own super blended set of blended children. Three of my children are biologically mine, 1 of them is biologically mine but from a previous marriage, and 3 of them are adopted but are also my nieces and nephew. So their sibling set is complicated too. All but two of my children have extended siblings.
How many friends do you have that you consider a sibling? I have a couple. They are so close that friend doesn't seem quite appropriate even though there is nothing biologically making them a sibling.
How do you celebrate National Sibling Day? Did you even know it was a thing? Is it even a thing?
To be honest, when Anitra first died, I struggled with it. Now, I smile when I see all the silly memes and remember those times of fighting over the remote (like my daughter just posted). I give heart hugs (little heart prayers) to those expressing loss of siblings. I pull memories from my mind of each of my siblings. I smile, or frown, depending on which memory is pulled.
Being a sibling is fun! Sure, there are moments when we've each thought "dang, I wish I was an only child!" Mostly though, I feel bad for my friends who don't have siblings...they have no idea that you could hope beyond hope that one of them got blamed for whatever was messy or broken growing up; they have no idea that there's a whole language for siblings. I hope that they have friends and cousins that they consider siblings.
I'm so thankful for all of the lessons my siblings and I have learned together, or been taught by each other. I'm thankful my kids have a wide-variety of the same.
Happy Siblings Day! (Not to any of my siblings because they don't read this! HA!)
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Life Goes Fast
Life goes by so very fast. I am so guilty of thinking that the day, the week, the month is never going to end but then poof it's gone and you can't get it back. All you get to take with you into the next day is the memories of the one's before.
I tell you this because I am sitting here looking at the snow forecast for the weekend and thinking, "winter is NEVER going to end!" I then read on someone's fb post that they are praying for a peaceful end to their loved one's life. Perspective for me.
Life goes fast...winter IS going to end and the only thing we'll take from it are the memories of the days that we were snowed in, or the extra time we spent in the car with our kids because the roads were slowing people down, the cute hats and mittens we put our little ones in, the lazy weekend because it's too cold and snowy to even try to venture out.
Life goes fast...another friend is posting about her parent's 43rd wedding anniversary while her brother posts pictures of the years throughout their marriage. I bet the wedding day never seemed like it would come, the pregnancies a feeling that never ending bulging tummy, illnesses and healing that may have occurred through the years that seemed like they were going to last forever and yet, they have pushed through and are here to make more memories this day and perhaps think, "where has the time gone?"
Life goes fast...my dear friend bravely fought her cancer for 5 short months. I would imagine those months didn't feel fast as they went to doctor's appointments and healed from surgery and watched the changes that cancer had made in their loved one. Now that she has passed away, I would bet that it feels like it went too fast.
Life goes fast...when our children are born it seems like eternity when you're sleep deprived and waking up for 3 am feedings, when you're potty training and when they hit those terrifying 3's and sassy teenage years. Then somehow they are old enough to have babies, get married, move away to college and you wonder how it all seemed to go so quickly.
Life goes fast...when my job ended at the CAC, it seemed to take forever to find another job. Then 6 months into my job with Nelnet, I was granted an interview with the YWCA. It almost seems like a lifetime ago because so much has happened but yesterday I celebrated my one year anniversary.
Life goes fast...so hold on tight to each of your blessings, love with all you have, forgive as we have been forgiven, don't let people live rent free in your soul for too long, speak kindness into the world, compliment often, speak love, and most of all remember that what seems to be taking too long or what seems to be a really long and hard struggle will be over and will only be a memory soon enough. Remember that each day we have on Earth is temporary and is only here to prepare us for what is next to come.
xxoo
I tell you this because I am sitting here looking at the snow forecast for the weekend and thinking, "winter is NEVER going to end!" I then read on someone's fb post that they are praying for a peaceful end to their loved one's life. Perspective for me.
Life goes fast...winter IS going to end and the only thing we'll take from it are the memories of the days that we were snowed in, or the extra time we spent in the car with our kids because the roads were slowing people down, the cute hats and mittens we put our little ones in, the lazy weekend because it's too cold and snowy to even try to venture out.
Life goes fast...another friend is posting about her parent's 43rd wedding anniversary while her brother posts pictures of the years throughout their marriage. I bet the wedding day never seemed like it would come, the pregnancies a feeling that never ending bulging tummy, illnesses and healing that may have occurred through the years that seemed like they were going to last forever and yet, they have pushed through and are here to make more memories this day and perhaps think, "where has the time gone?"
Life goes fast...my dear friend bravely fought her cancer for 5 short months. I would imagine those months didn't feel fast as they went to doctor's appointments and healed from surgery and watched the changes that cancer had made in their loved one. Now that she has passed away, I would bet that it feels like it went too fast.
Life goes fast...when our children are born it seems like eternity when you're sleep deprived and waking up for 3 am feedings, when you're potty training and when they hit those terrifying 3's and sassy teenage years. Then somehow they are old enough to have babies, get married, move away to college and you wonder how it all seemed to go so quickly.
Life goes fast...when my job ended at the CAC, it seemed to take forever to find another job. Then 6 months into my job with Nelnet, I was granted an interview with the YWCA. It almost seems like a lifetime ago because so much has happened but yesterday I celebrated my one year anniversary.
Life goes fast...so hold on tight to each of your blessings, love with all you have, forgive as we have been forgiven, don't let people live rent free in your soul for too long, speak kindness into the world, compliment often, speak love, and most of all remember that what seems to be taking too long or what seems to be a really long and hard struggle will be over and will only be a memory soon enough. Remember that each day we have on Earth is temporary and is only here to prepare us for what is next to come.
xxoo
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Cancer - Not Cancer
On January 24th, my dear friend called me and said the PET scan shows what is 99% sure to be cancer in his lymph nodes throughout his entire body. The doctor said that of the 10 things it could be, 9 of them were a form of cancer and the 10th had such a low possibility that he had never seen it. So we prepared for the final diagnosis of cancer, following a biopsy, and looked into possible treatments.
On January 25th, another beautiful dear friend of mine was put into hospice after a very short battle with glioblastoma (brain cancer). She was diagnosed late last year and had surgery and chemo and radiation. There was never a prognosis that allowed her to survive, just extended the time we had with her. It was determined that none of those things works and that the tumor was bigger and growing.
Last night, the world lost a beautiful, beautiful soul. She was my first real friend at W&R and she gave incredible advice and was a source of amusement and always reminded me of the bigger picture when I got in my own way. From our Laffy Taffy breaks to Weight Watcher Saturdays and lunches, to Pizza Friday and fried green beans, to mall walking and sharing Honest Abe's burgers and fries. She was bigger than life and one of the most generous beings on the planet. She truly lived life her way and lived her life to the fullest. She will be greatly missed. My heart is sad for those of us she left behind but happy for her that she is at peace and no longer suffering. Her presence will be missed by many.
Today, we found out that my other dear friend does not in fact have cancer. He is a UNICORN of all unicorns in that what was 99% cancer, is not cancer and is an infection of some sorts. While I know that an infection can be very serious and dangerous (especially as it courses through so many parts of his body), I refuse not to let my heart do a little dance for him not having cancer. Today I will celebrate his not having cancer. We will deal with whatever the infectious disease doctors have to say when that day comes. For now I am going to proclaim "cancer will NOT get THIS friend!"
A heavy heart that is able to find the joy in the non-heavy moments. Cancer is ugly. Cancer is powerful. Not having cancer is beautiful and a non-cancer diagnosis will be cheered for.
On January 25th, another beautiful dear friend of mine was put into hospice after a very short battle with glioblastoma (brain cancer). She was diagnosed late last year and had surgery and chemo and radiation. There was never a prognosis that allowed her to survive, just extended the time we had with her. It was determined that none of those things works and that the tumor was bigger and growing.
Last night, the world lost a beautiful, beautiful soul. She was my first real friend at W&R and she gave incredible advice and was a source of amusement and always reminded me of the bigger picture when I got in my own way. From our Laffy Taffy breaks to Weight Watcher Saturdays and lunches, to Pizza Friday and fried green beans, to mall walking and sharing Honest Abe's burgers and fries. She was bigger than life and one of the most generous beings on the planet. She truly lived life her way and lived her life to the fullest. She will be greatly missed. My heart is sad for those of us she left behind but happy for her that she is at peace and no longer suffering. Her presence will be missed by many.
Today, we found out that my other dear friend does not in fact have cancer. He is a UNICORN of all unicorns in that what was 99% cancer, is not cancer and is an infection of some sorts. While I know that an infection can be very serious and dangerous (especially as it courses through so many parts of his body), I refuse not to let my heart do a little dance for him not having cancer. Today I will celebrate his not having cancer. We will deal with whatever the infectious disease doctors have to say when that day comes. For now I am going to proclaim "cancer will NOT get THIS friend!"
A heavy heart that is able to find the joy in the non-heavy moments. Cancer is ugly. Cancer is powerful. Not having cancer is beautiful and a non-cancer diagnosis will be cheered for.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Safe and Somber
Our beautiful G is in the hospital again. She had a little set back. We have been well informed by many in the profession that this would likely happen again. It doesn't make it any easier...
She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.
For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.
Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.
"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.
We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.
We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks.
She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.
For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.
Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.
"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.
We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.
We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
The Holiday Season
Our gracious Board of Directors gifted all of my staff with the week off between Christmas and New Years. I "worked" (we had a party) until 3:00 on the 21st and go back to work in the morning.
It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.
I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.
We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.
We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.
I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.
Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.
It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.
I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.
We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.
We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.
I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.
Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.
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