Created to Create Others

On Monday morning, my husband's 95 year-old grandfather passed away. He lived a full life. He was a war veteran, a father, a brother, a husband, an uncle, a grandfather, and a great grandfather. John lived his life to the fullest and up to the very last couple weeks of his life was out there trimming shrubs and mowing the yard. He will be greatly missed by many. 

Our sweet G posted something yesterday that really has stuck with me. She commented that he had a couple of kids that had a couple of kids who had a couple a couple of kids, including her amazing self. :) 

When Steve and I were reading A Purpose Driven Life, one of the harder chapters for me was in the beginning when he speaks of how we are not here by accident. Sometimes, the only reason that two people are brought together are to create YOU. Truly, sometimes that is the only reason. 

Anyway, all of this has made me think about how things happen in life that create these amazing people. If John and Bonnie had not been together, they would not have created my father-in-law. If my father-in-law had not been created, my husband would not have been created. If my husband had not been created, our G and Trey would not have been created. 

None of these things happened by chance. They were all a part of God's great design. How amazing that design is that brings all of these people to the right place, at the right time, at the right moment, to create the future. 

John and Bonnie Fankhauser lived amazingly full lives. They shared moments before each other, they shared many moments together. They were married for over 60 years before Bonnie was brought home to the Lord and yesterday were re-united. I am thankful for both of these people in my life and especially for creating the people that have become my family and have helped to create some really amazing people in my life who will go on to create some even more fantastic people. 

Lord of the Rings (my poor tush)

It started innocently enough.

Steve sent me an email announcing The Lord of the Rings would be playing during the month of August. Every Sunday for 3 weeks. Not typically my favorite type of movie but hey, we'd spend some family time together. Some of the children made it to every movie, some of them made it to a couple, one could not make it to any due to work.

The first movie was 3 1/2 hours long. THREE and A HALF HOURS. My husband knew this. I did not. He said, "if I'd told you it was that long, you might not have gone." The second movie was 3 hours and 45 minutes long. The last movie was 4 hours and in the front row.

Here's the thing...I don't do movies all that well. I can't sit that long. While the new seats are way better than the old ones, I don't love them. At least when I'm home, I can rearrange how/where I sit. I can browse my phone. I can get up and go to the bathroom without missing anything. When you're AT the movies, these things are not possible. 

I'm relieved to say that the movie marathon is over. Well, almost. Next weekend they are playing Goonies and Jaws. We have to see those. Those combined will not take 4 hours. One is in the morning and one is at night so I think maybe there will be a walk during the day.

By the way, the movies were better than I thought they would be. I would probably never know if it hadn't been for this. I survived. Sam is my favorite character (not just because Sam is a cool name). Gollum is clearly suffering from severe mental health issues and while he was freaky I found myself feeling for him. I do not think it was necessary to make all the bad guys looks SO gross but what do I know. I think the Hobbit feet are gross and the Elf ears are adorable. The relationship between Legolas and Gimli is sweet and endearing. With the exception of the killing of the elephants, the last movie was my favorite and not just because it means I don't have to sit through anymore of them.

And when Sam says to Mr. Frodo, "I cannot carry it for you, but I can carry you", I teared up. He's truly loyal and amazing and committed to his dear friend. This is what we tell G. When the depression and anxiety get too much and you feel like you can't fight it, we will fight it for you. We should all try to be more like Sam.

P.S. I did tell my husband that he owes me after all those very long movies but I'm not really sure what I'd make him do to pay up. I can't possibly sit through more movies and even if I could, he'd probably tolerate it just fine because even if it's not his kind of movie, he enjoys them anyway. I'm going to have to think on that one.

Heavy

Heavy...

When your daughter looks you in the eyes and tells you she can't fight the feelings anymore; that she's just too tired to fight the demons of depression and anxiety...

When you race home from work because your daughter has found a blade (by taking apart a pencil sharpener) a week after she told she was okay and doing better...

When you lock up all the medications in the house and you go through the house and lock up all the sharp objects that you can find because your child says they're not feeling very safe...

When you fight and fight and try to show her that you can keep her safe and you know in the back of your mind and in the front of your heart that she's only as safe as you she will allow herself to be because there's no way you can possibly lock away everything...

When you sit in the counselor's office and hear that she's just too tired to fight anymore and that the only thing keeping her here is her family and it's getting harder to fight no matter how much she tries...

When she cries because she feels disappointed that she didn't die...

When you walk up to the emergency room glass window and tell the nurse that your daughter needs to be seen because she's suicidal...

When you wait in the little room with her and you feel a sense of peace come over her because she finally feels like she is in a place where she can't hurt herself anymore so she doesn't have to fight anymore...

When you sign those admittance papers for the 5th time...

When you have to leave her in hands, that are very capable but they aren't yours because you know there is chance that you really can't promise that she's safe anymore...

When you meet with the doctors, nurses, and social workers and they all tell you that you're making the right choice but you still feel like you have somehow let her down...

When you come home and you go through her room because the social worker told you that she left a suicide note again...

When you read the suicide note and all you feel is the sadness and desperation that she was feeling when she wrote it...

When you try to close your eyes and actually sleep because you don't have to check on her tonight and you know she's safe for the night...

When you pray because you know she isn't able to because she feels like God has forgotten her and you wonder a little bit if he has because how else could He allow this beautiful, compassionate little girl to suffer so much...

Heavy...my heart is heavy...and heart-broken but mostly just heavy.

End of Summer, Beginning of School

I survived the hospital! A) there was a very kind woman tech and no men...super relieved because if I had to spend the night being completely vulnerable while I slept, I felt better that it was a woman, B) the only other person there was a little old lady who I felt completely not threatened by. There was a ceiling fan and a tv and I could have my phone so I still felt connected to my family even though they didn't really need me. And phew...it's over! :)

The next morning we had a big breakfast with French toast, eggs, and bacon and then loaded up the vehicles and headed to Omaha for the Fun Plex. We had so much fun riding bumper boats, bumper cars, go-carts, slick track, wave pool, lazy river, some even went down some of the slides! We spent about 6 hours there and it was a blast! I have ZERO pictures because I left my phone in the locker and just enjoyed the time with my family being in the moment! 

Following tradition, we then went to Spaghetti Works and loaded up on salad and pasta. Ariez was quite proud of his salad plate full of pepperochinis and potato sticks and pretzels until he saw Tai's salad plate full of just diced ham. I'm not sure if he was jealous or impressed. 

We grocery shopped, got all last minute back to school items (GREAT sale on Converse!), grilled, played games, went to church and a movie. Have I mentioned that I absolutely love the ability to order my groceries online and then just go pick them up later? It's phenomenal! 

And then it came...BACK TO SCHOOL! I have one super excited 7th grader, one not so impressed 9th grader, and two seniors who may already be ready to be done. Oh...and not to be outdone, one college graduate who just this morning got registered for school at SCC. 

I pray for them to have a fulfilling and safe year. I pray that they make good choices and that those around them make good choices. I pray that they will become more spiritually connected and serve those around them. I pray for their teachers and administrators and their friends and their families. 

Up and onward to the next adventure...I've currently set a quit date from smoking and continue to count my carbs (somedays I count a LOT of carbs). I am halfway through with my classes for the quarter and will continue to push through and register this week for my classes next quarter. 

We are not perfect beings but we just keep pushing forward.