Silver Badge

Thank you to anyone who prayed. I thought I'd share a little update...

I am the new recipient of a SILVER BADGE! Go me! This means that I've successfully worn my mask for at least 4 hours a night for 5 nights. (2.5 hours the first night and almost a full 8 last night). I have woken up with one slight headache ONE day. (I had not woken up without a headache for at least a month.)

I have the most patient and supportive Resp. Therapist who prayed for me the morning of my fitting. She knew my concerns, she knew my history, and she was incredibly sweet and let me take each moment at my own pace. She called me this morning to report that I am down to 5 events per night with none of them being periods of time longer than 10 seconds that I completely stop breathing. Before I started the therapy I was between 33 and 57 episodes. Quite an improvement in only 5 days. She cheered for me and addressed new concerns I have.

I cannot say how amazing my husband has been through this whole process. The first night, he stayed awake into the wee hours of the morning so that if I woke up and freaked out, he would be awake and there for me. He has patiently held my hand as I laid in bed trying to just figure out how to breath. He has taken breaths with me to try to settle my breathing pattern. I'm telling you...this man is something else.

I have NOT experienced the triggers that I was afraid of. I have not woken and frozen in fear except for about 5 seconds the second night.

I have been concerned about how horribly unsexy it might be to come to bed with a cyborg (my husband now says it's more like an astronaut). I have gone to wearing pretty nightgowns to bed. I took a selfie the other day...it's still completely unattractive but at least from the neck down, it doesn't make me look like a patient. My husband also reports that the lack of snoring is pretty sexy too! This probably seems like a silly thing to be worried about but it was very real and my resp. therapist assured me others had the same concern. :)

I am facing the fact that probably this is a forever thing. That's been hard to swallow but I'm getting there. I was so freaked out before about having something on my face that this new concern kind of surprises me. I asked the therapist if I would be able to eliminate it if I lost weight and she said "it's not a weight thing, it's a breathing thing" and that I probably would need it forever. So I'm going to give myself time to process this as well and just keep doing it.

Next up I have an overnight stay at St. E's sleep study clinic. They will monitor and adjust my oxygen flow throughout the night and find the best settings for me. Feeling some panic about that but I took the next day off for family fun time so I will be surrounded by those who love me most after spending a strange night in a strange place with strangers.

My next badge will be a Gold Badge when I reach 21 out of 30 days. Only 16 days away, well 17 because the night I'm in the hospital will be a night my machine won't record me.

Thank you again for your prayers! They are working!

The Night Haunts Me Even When I'm Awake

July 1995.

I was 18 years old. I had fallen asleep on the couch. That was my bed when I moved in with some friends. I fell asleep watching a movie.

I woke up and his fingers were around my throat and I felt like I was suffocating. He was biting my breasts and trying to have sex with me. His fingers digging into me.

I don't think he thought it was assault. I think he thought it was rough foreplay. I don't think he meant to hurt me, not in a mean sense.

I think he thought I wanted to have sex with him. I think I'd been flirty too many times, an 18 year old can be. I told him, while he was assaulting me, that I would have sex with him, but not while his wife was in the next room sleeping.

I didn't. I didn't want to before that happened and I didn't ever have sex with him. I just needed a way to get him off of me. It worked. He didn't rape me. We didn't have sex.

I woke up the next morning to bruising on my breasts, bruising on my neck, bruising on my arms and legs.

I also woke up the next morning to a new fear of my surroundings; a new fear of who I was. A new fear that somehow I had caused this. He winked at me that morning and asked if I was ok and I said "of course."

I didn't have anywhere to go. I had no car, very little money, no place to stay. So I made sure that I was never alone with him. I double thought about every word I said before I said it. I made sure that I didn't flirt. I made sure I didn't fall asleep at night and would only fall asleep in the day, when I felt it was safe.

When I have had surgery and woken up with the oxygen mask on my face, I had a horrifying panic attack that stayed with me for days. The doctors now put the nasal oxygen tubes on me before  waking me from any ssurger. My husband and kids know not to wake me up by touching me. At least one of our children has been hit, accidentally, for waking me up by touching me.

Now I have to have a CPAP machine. I'll be connected to a machine while I sleep. I go in the morning to try a "nasal pillow" because I can't have anything on my face while I sleep. I've told the nurse my story and she promised to work with me to try to make this work. It's the least invasive one they make. 

Pray for me? Pray for it be tolerable? I want to breathe while I sleep again and not have such high blood pressure. I want to not wake up with such horrible headaches anymore and I want to wake up and feel like I've actually slept. This "pillow" should help with that, if I can stop seeing his face and feeling his hands on me every time I think about.