Tired #endthestigma

There are days that I just can't find the words to express how exhausting depression is. Everyone says that. I say that...people ask how I am and the answer is, "tired." Two of my daughters tell me that when I ask if they're ok, "yep, just tired mom." I understand that "tired."

It's not a lie. I am tired. Tired of fighting the battle within myself to get up in the morning. Tired of fighting the tapes that play over and over in my mind. Tired of the insomnia and anxiety that prevent me from really feeling like I'm getting any sleep at all. Tired of never feeling like quite enough. Tired of feeling as though I've failed so many people, so many times. Tired of trying to figure out what is real and what is just perception. Tired of "being strong" all of the time. Tired of feeling guilty for the things that I cannot change. Tired of feeling responsible for all the balls in the air. Tired of feeling guilty for feeling so crappy when I have so much to be thankful for.

I have said to a couple of people, "my soul is tired...so tired." I am so blessed. I am. I am aware of all that I have. I am aware of all of God's glory and mercy. Depression doesn't make me not realize how blessed I am. Depression doesn't make me not see how it could absolutely be so much worse. Depression doesn't make me not sympathetic to other's plights.
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Anxiety allows me to know how much worse it could be. Anxiety lets me feel all the worst-case scenarios that will most likely never happen in my life. Anxiety makes sure that while I'm so thankful that my children are safe, I know almost exactly what it would feel like to lose them because I'm have many moments where I just knew they were gone. (I'll have to try to explain that one sometime--although, if you have anxiety, you already understand it.)

My reason for sharing this...my goal...isn't for sympathy. It isn't to excuse my withdrawn behavior (that I try VERY hard to hide). It isn't to say "oh bother, poor me." It isn't to wave a flag drawing attention to myself and have people "check in" on my. It's to work towards ending the stigma. A friend (who is probably more of an acquaintance but I prefer friend), posted some really brave stuff about some things but also his depression. My daughter (beautiful and brave 15 year-old) tries to share her journey with depression and anxiety.

So my goal is to be more open and honest about my living with bi-polar, depression, anxiety, chronic pain and auto-immune disorders, parenting children with mental health journeys, being a wife who can never quite keep up with her husband because often I'm too self-absorbed in my own "madness" and sometimes I am just too worn out.

By sharing our stories, someone will feel less alone, someone may get help, someone may share their story.

Birthdays

To be honest, I wasn't positive we would be celebrating this birthday. I know that there were many times she wished that she weren't alive to celebrate it. There were so many times over the last couple of years that she just didn't want to live. She didn't really want to die all the time, she just didn't care if she lived, and sometimes she did things to try to prevent living.

She turned 15 a week ago and I was scared that we wouldn't make it to that day. I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate her here with us and not a heavenly birthday as we do each year for my sister; not a birthday in an institution either. She was able to be home with us. We were able to love on her and show her how happy we are that she is here with us. I may have even snuck in a birthday spanking.

The last couple of years have been scary as we've fought for her life. It still is some moments. We are on a journey that we don't have a very good GPS for. We pray that we will just travel safely and without too many detours. We are constantly on a detour with her. One we choose to take and one we will never stop taking, even if we have to hit a rest area every once in awhile.

I can't believe this girl is 15 already. The years go by so fast, even as they sometimes seem to drag while we're living them in the moments. G has taught me to take each day as a gift. G has taught me how to truly look at the blessings in all of the small things. G has taught me to count each small victory. G has taught me that when I think I know all that I can know, there's more to learn.

Balls in the Air

I can't keep up. I keep dropping little balls here and there and I feel like a big ball of failure. Notes from teachers, doctor's appointments, who needs to be where, calls I need to return, calls I need to make, texts I need to send, texts I need to respond to, emails I need to follow up on...The list goes on and on and I just keep hoping I'm juggling it all into the right hemisphere at least. 

I just got the second call from a school this morning. The first call was because I forgot to call in my sick kid. I appreciate those calls because that lets me know that they are aware my child is gone. I will always know if she doesn't show up after her walk to school. I feel bad when they have to call me. Like I'm this irresponsible parent who just can't handle picking up the phone and calling her in. 

The second call was because of a form I needed to have filled out by one of the kid's doctors for their IEP. I was supposed to do that last week. That meeting we had on Monday feels like a lifetime ago. How has it only been a week? How has it been a week already? Of course the child saw that doctor this morning and of course I forgot to send the form with them for the appointment so now I will have to figure out a way to get the form to the doctor and get it back in a timely  manner. My forgetfulness has now created more work. 

We had 3 kids with doctor's appointments this morning. All before noon. Thankful to my hubby for taking two of them and thankful for an adult child who gets to take herself. 

I forgot to prep for the crock pot meal that was supposed to go in at 8:00 this morning. I don't what my family will be eating while I'm at class. Surely they won't starve right? 

I have class today so I won't be home until 8:00 tonight. I also have to find time in my day to run to the hospital and get a binder that I forgot to get for one kid's schoolwork. I am anxious about a situation that I've been dealing with and it just keeps rearing its ugly head. I am feeling a little heartbroken for some friends of the past who's son died tragically; a little reminded that life is that precious and unprepared for things can happen so quickly. I'm re-entering cc receipts for work that I've now had to do 3 times because it didn't save properly. 

I know it's a day, a couple pages in the book of this thing called my life. It's just a lot and I'm hoping that if I put it out there in the universe, I'll be able to let some of those feelings go and just focus on what I need to do now...stop playing old failure tapes. 

The Conner's

I want to address something that I think the show missed as a huge opportunity on this week's episode.

The matriarch of the family just died of a drug overdose due to an addiction that the family knew nothing about. This week, we watched Becky admit that she couldn't go an entire day without drinking. Instead of Dan taking this chance to offer help with an addiction, he told her that he'd have to let her go from the construction site if she didn't correct the issue in a specified amount of time.

What a missed opportunity. She's telling you she has a drinking problem. She's telling you that she's an addict. Instead of addressing any of the number of ways or programs that she could get help with that addiction, he just puts a timeline on it.

I thought that the drug overdose of the previous main character was well done. I hoped that with Becky's indications on that episode (where she pockets the pills and declares that's the only thing in her mom's closet that she wanted), there would be a great discussion on the horrors of addiction. I had hoped that when Becky said she couldn't go through this again after losing her husband (who also died of addiction although I'm not sure if that was just in real-life or if that's what they say happened to him on the show), the show would take advantage of this huge platform that they have to address the real-life struggles with addiction.

I'm disappointed that they didn't. I do hope that this week's episode is really over yet. I hope that they take the opportunity that they have been given and go a little deeper and talk about addiction and resources. The show has an audience that can handle these issues. The show has never shied away from hard topics before. A comedy show can address real-life issues while still being funny. Isn't that what the whole premise of the original show was about?

A New Schooling Journey

Every child has different needs.

Every child learns differently.

So we are now the parents of a home schooler. I had always wanted to home school the kids when they were younger but financially it wasn't an option and honestly, the older they got, the smarter they got and there was little that I could teach them anymore. I love public schools. I do. I have some wonderful family members who teach and we have had a really great experience with most of the teachers that have come into our lives.

It's not a secret that G has some major anxiety issues. It's not a secret that those anxiety issues cause some pretty big issues for her emotionally and create some serious self-safety concerns. The school has been great in trying to help us find solutions that will logically work for her. Even in the decision to home school her, we have had great support from them.

We don't think this is the answer for all of our kids. We don't think this will solve all of G's anxiety issues. (If you truly know anxiety disorder, you know it's never just as simple as that.) We are hopeful that it will provide a relief for her.

G still gets up every morning when we do, she has a schedule and a routine, she has course and school expectations. She has responsibilities and she has to complete so many hours of school work a day. She is doing an online high school for all of her common core classes and we throw in other stuff. It's only been a few days so I'm sure that there will be a lot of little adjustments and maybe even a few big ones that will need to be made.

Steve said, "what if the other kids want to home school too?" I said, "well, we'd have to decide if that was the best answer for them." We have never treated all of our children exactly the same. We never will. There are some general rules they all must follow but each child has different needs and so they all have different expectations to meet. There's no "that's unfair" at our house because what's fair for one is not fair for another.

This is the new journey we are on. Thanks for prayers and support!

Not a Bad Day at the Office

Sometimes, especially when you're in an administrative position, it feels really good to just get out and connect with our mission. 

The YWCA was able to take part in Project Homeless Connect today. This event brings a TON of people together to coordinate resources for the people in our communities who need it the most. It's like a one-stop resource shopping place for those in our community. DHHS was there, Dept. of Education was there. There were doctors, foot care clinics, people to do hair and nails, clothes, food. Information about where to find jobs, where to find childcare, library cards, JobCorp, the Homeless Coalition, bus passes, daily health information. 

One of the programs that the YWCA offers is called Job Outfitters. This program assists those who are actively seeking employment and need clothes for an interview, or for people who have a job and need appropriate clothing to do that job. We partner with Goodwill and provide vouchers for those people to go and get the clothes they need. 

In a span of 2 1/2 hours, we were able to provide over 20 people with vouchers totaling over $400. These vouchers, and clothes, will make a huge difference to people looking for jobs and people just starting out in the work force. 

I was met with gratitude, kindness, embarrassment, and hopefulness. Every person I saw had a story. Some shared their story with me and others didn't say much. I was reminded how incredibly blessed I am. It wasn't that many years ago that I was sitting on the other side of the table needing clothes to start my first professional job. 

I am blessed because I am able to work with an agency that provides so much to our underserved populations. I am blessed because I was able to maybe brighten a few people's day. I am blessed because some chose to share their story with me. I am blessed because one woman was thankful and completely shocked at the generosity of the agency that sat with her for 40 minutes and helped prepare her for her job interview this week and she just couldn't believe that with our assistance, she was going to have clothes to wear to it as well. (I will be praying for her on Thursday because I know that's when she has her interview.) I am blessed. 

Not a bad day at the office when you're reminded how blessed you are. 

Quotes

"Do not judge my story by the chapter that you walked in on." - I don't know who said this. I got it from a good friend of mine. 

How beautiful is that? How true is that? How many times do we judge other people's story by the one chapter that we walked in on? Gosh, there are so many chapters of mine that I would hate to be judged by! 

As my wonderful G pointed out last night, "the only perfect people are Jax (the girl seriously loves her dog) and Jesus!" 

I certainly have not lived every chapter of my life gracefully. I certainly have had some not so stellar chapters that I wish I could re-write. Although, if I did re-write them, I might not be exactly where I am or exactly where I'm meant to be. So then maybe all those ugly chapters actually helped create the chapter I want to be judged in?

As long as a person is still living chapters, there is hope for a better one. If you don't like the chapter that you are living right now, start a new one. The only time it's too late to write a new chapter is when you're gone. It's not always easy, in fact it can be downright grueling. To that I quote one my G's quotes that she lives by, "don't quit fighting; just fight the right fight." 

I'm surrounded by some pretty amazing, inspiring people who continuously remind me to "fight the right fight." 

One more quote from my G, "when you can't run, crawl. When you can't crawl, find someone to carry you."

#whyididn'ttell

I don't know if the Supreme Court Justice Nominee is guilty of sexual assault. I don't know if his accuser has named the right person, named the wrong person, made the whole thing up or if what she remembers is exactly what happened and she has named exactly the right person with exactly the right events.  I don't know. I do know that I tend to believe the victim. I know the statistics about false reporting (doesn't happen as often as other people would have you believe). I do know that delayed reporting, not reporting at all, does not make any person's story less true. I do know that not remembering specific things while remembering other things, does not mean it didn't happen or that they are lying. 

I was sexually assaulted at the age of 18. 

I don't remember the exact day. I don't remember the time, other than it was middle of the night. I know the T.V. was on but I could not tell you what was on. I don't remember the color of the couch, or what I was wearing other than that it was shorts and a t-shirt. I cannot tell you the exact amount of time that passed as I was being assaulted. 

I do remember the way that he smelled. I do remember where his hands were on my body. I do remember the temperature of the room (or what it felt like at least). I do remember that time seemed to stand still. I do remember the sound of his voice. I do remember feeling terrified and panicked. 

I didn't tell because I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't tell because I felt like it was my fault. I didn't tell because I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I didn't tell because he was a dad and a husband and I didn't want his family to suffer because of his actions. I didn't tell because all I wanted to do was get out of the situation. I didn't tell because that was my home and I was far away from home. I didn't tell because there was no intercourse so I thought that I was being overly sensitive. I didn't tell because I didn't know if anyone would believe me. 

So while I don't know if the accuser in this case is telling the truth, I do know that simply because she did not report when it happened, does not mean that it didn't happen. That's not a valid standard for disbelief in my book. 

Created to Create Others

On Monday morning, my husband's 95 year-old grandfather passed away. He lived a full life. He was a war veteran, a father, a brother, a husband, an uncle, a grandfather, and a great grandfather. John lived his life to the fullest and up to the very last couple weeks of his life was out there trimming shrubs and mowing the yard. He will be greatly missed by many. 

Our sweet G posted something yesterday that really has stuck with me. She commented that he had a couple of kids that had a couple of kids who had a couple a couple of kids, including her amazing self. :) 

When Steve and I were reading A Purpose Driven Life, one of the harder chapters for me was in the beginning when he speaks of how we are not here by accident. Sometimes, the only reason that two people are brought together are to create YOU. Truly, sometimes that is the only reason. 

Anyway, all of this has made me think about how things happen in life that create these amazing people. If John and Bonnie had not been together, they would not have created my father-in-law. If my father-in-law had not been created, my husband would not have been created. If my husband had not been created, our G and Trey would not have been created. 

None of these things happened by chance. They were all a part of God's great design. How amazing that design is that brings all of these people to the right place, at the right time, at the right moment, to create the future. 

John and Bonnie Fankhauser lived amazingly full lives. They shared moments before each other, they shared many moments together. They were married for over 60 years before Bonnie was brought home to the Lord and yesterday were re-united. I am thankful for both of these people in my life and especially for creating the people that have become my family and have helped to create some really amazing people in my life who will go on to create some even more fantastic people. 

Lord of the Rings (my poor tush)

It started innocently enough.

Steve sent me an email announcing The Lord of the Rings would be playing during the month of August. Every Sunday for 3 weeks. Not typically my favorite type of movie but hey, we'd spend some family time together. Some of the children made it to every movie, some of them made it to a couple, one could not make it to any due to work.

The first movie was 3 1/2 hours long. THREE and A HALF HOURS. My husband knew this. I did not. He said, "if I'd told you it was that long, you might not have gone." The second movie was 3 hours and 45 minutes long. The last movie was 4 hours and in the front row.

Here's the thing...I don't do movies all that well. I can't sit that long. While the new seats are way better than the old ones, I don't love them. At least when I'm home, I can rearrange how/where I sit. I can browse my phone. I can get up and go to the bathroom without missing anything. When you're AT the movies, these things are not possible. 

I'm relieved to say that the movie marathon is over. Well, almost. Next weekend they are playing Goonies and Jaws. We have to see those. Those combined will not take 4 hours. One is in the morning and one is at night so I think maybe there will be a walk during the day.

By the way, the movies were better than I thought they would be. I would probably never know if it hadn't been for this. I survived. Sam is my favorite character (not just because Sam is a cool name). Gollum is clearly suffering from severe mental health issues and while he was freaky I found myself feeling for him. I do not think it was necessary to make all the bad guys looks SO gross but what do I know. I think the Hobbit feet are gross and the Elf ears are adorable. The relationship between Legolas and Gimli is sweet and endearing. With the exception of the killing of the elephants, the last movie was my favorite and not just because it means I don't have to sit through anymore of them.

And when Sam says to Mr. Frodo, "I cannot carry it for you, but I can carry you", I teared up. He's truly loyal and amazing and committed to his dear friend. This is what we tell G. When the depression and anxiety get too much and you feel like you can't fight it, we will fight it for you. We should all try to be more like Sam.

P.S. I did tell my husband that he owes me after all those very long movies but I'm not really sure what I'd make him do to pay up. I can't possibly sit through more movies and even if I could, he'd probably tolerate it just fine because even if it's not his kind of movie, he enjoys them anyway. I'm going to have to think on that one.

Heavy

Heavy...

When your daughter looks you in the eyes and tells you she can't fight the feelings anymore; that she's just too tired to fight the demons of depression and anxiety...

When you race home from work because your daughter has found a blade (by taking apart a pencil sharpener) a week after she told she was okay and doing better...

When you lock up all the medications in the house and you go through the house and lock up all the sharp objects that you can find because your child says they're not feeling very safe...

When you fight and fight and try to show her that you can keep her safe and you know in the back of your mind and in the front of your heart that she's only as safe as you she will allow herself to be because there's no way you can possibly lock away everything...

When you sit in the counselor's office and hear that she's just too tired to fight anymore and that the only thing keeping her here is her family and it's getting harder to fight no matter how much she tries...

When she cries because she feels disappointed that she didn't die...

When you walk up to the emergency room glass window and tell the nurse that your daughter needs to be seen because she's suicidal...

When you wait in the little room with her and you feel a sense of peace come over her because she finally feels like she is in a place where she can't hurt herself anymore so she doesn't have to fight anymore...

When you sign those admittance papers for the 5th time...

When you have to leave her in hands, that are very capable but they aren't yours because you know there is chance that you really can't promise that she's safe anymore...

When you meet with the doctors, nurses, and social workers and they all tell you that you're making the right choice but you still feel like you have somehow let her down...

When you come home and you go through her room because the social worker told you that she left a suicide note again...

When you read the suicide note and all you feel is the sadness and desperation that she was feeling when she wrote it...

When you try to close your eyes and actually sleep because you don't have to check on her tonight and you know she's safe for the night...

When you pray because you know she isn't able to because she feels like God has forgotten her and you wonder a little bit if he has because how else could He allow this beautiful, compassionate little girl to suffer so much...

Heavy...my heart is heavy...and heart-broken but mostly just heavy.

End of Summer, Beginning of School

I survived the hospital! A) there was a very kind woman tech and no men...super relieved because if I had to spend the night being completely vulnerable while I slept, I felt better that it was a woman, B) the only other person there was a little old lady who I felt completely not threatened by. There was a ceiling fan and a tv and I could have my phone so I still felt connected to my family even though they didn't really need me. And phew...it's over! :)

The next morning we had a big breakfast with French toast, eggs, and bacon and then loaded up the vehicles and headed to Omaha for the Fun Plex. We had so much fun riding bumper boats, bumper cars, go-carts, slick track, wave pool, lazy river, some even went down some of the slides! We spent about 6 hours there and it was a blast! I have ZERO pictures because I left my phone in the locker and just enjoyed the time with my family being in the moment! 

Following tradition, we then went to Spaghetti Works and loaded up on salad and pasta. Ariez was quite proud of his salad plate full of pepperochinis and potato sticks and pretzels until he saw Tai's salad plate full of just diced ham. I'm not sure if he was jealous or impressed. 

We grocery shopped, got all last minute back to school items (GREAT sale on Converse!), grilled, played games, went to church and a movie. Have I mentioned that I absolutely love the ability to order my groceries online and then just go pick them up later? It's phenomenal! 

And then it came...BACK TO SCHOOL! I have one super excited 7th grader, one not so impressed 9th grader, and two seniors who may already be ready to be done. Oh...and not to be outdone, one college graduate who just this morning got registered for school at SCC. 

I pray for them to have a fulfilling and safe year. I pray that they make good choices and that those around them make good choices. I pray that they will become more spiritually connected and serve those around them. I pray for their teachers and administrators and their friends and their families. 

Up and onward to the next adventure...I've currently set a quit date from smoking and continue to count my carbs (somedays I count a LOT of carbs). I am halfway through with my classes for the quarter and will continue to push through and register this week for my classes next quarter. 

We are not perfect beings but we just keep pushing forward. 

Silver Badge

Thank you to anyone who prayed. I thought I'd share a little update...

I am the new recipient of a SILVER BADGE! Go me! This means that I've successfully worn my mask for at least 4 hours a night for 5 nights. (2.5 hours the first night and almost a full 8 last night). I have woken up with one slight headache ONE day. (I had not woken up without a headache for at least a month.)

I have the most patient and supportive Resp. Therapist who prayed for me the morning of my fitting. She knew my concerns, she knew my history, and she was incredibly sweet and let me take each moment at my own pace. She called me this morning to report that I am down to 5 events per night with none of them being periods of time longer than 10 seconds that I completely stop breathing. Before I started the therapy I was between 33 and 57 episodes. Quite an improvement in only 5 days. She cheered for me and addressed new concerns I have.

I cannot say how amazing my husband has been through this whole process. The first night, he stayed awake into the wee hours of the morning so that if I woke up and freaked out, he would be awake and there for me. He has patiently held my hand as I laid in bed trying to just figure out how to breath. He has taken breaths with me to try to settle my breathing pattern. I'm telling you...this man is something else.

I have NOT experienced the triggers that I was afraid of. I have not woken and frozen in fear except for about 5 seconds the second night.

I have been concerned about how horribly unsexy it might be to come to bed with a cyborg (my husband now says it's more like an astronaut). I have gone to wearing pretty nightgowns to bed. I took a selfie the other day...it's still completely unattractive but at least from the neck down, it doesn't make me look like a patient. My husband also reports that the lack of snoring is pretty sexy too! This probably seems like a silly thing to be worried about but it was very real and my resp. therapist assured me others had the same concern. :)

I am facing the fact that probably this is a forever thing. That's been hard to swallow but I'm getting there. I was so freaked out before about having something on my face that this new concern kind of surprises me. I asked the therapist if I would be able to eliminate it if I lost weight and she said "it's not a weight thing, it's a breathing thing" and that I probably would need it forever. So I'm going to give myself time to process this as well and just keep doing it.

Next up I have an overnight stay at St. E's sleep study clinic. They will monitor and adjust my oxygen flow throughout the night and find the best settings for me. Feeling some panic about that but I took the next day off for family fun time so I will be surrounded by those who love me most after spending a strange night in a strange place with strangers.

My next badge will be a Gold Badge when I reach 21 out of 30 days. Only 16 days away, well 17 because the night I'm in the hospital will be a night my machine won't record me.

Thank you again for your prayers! They are working!

The Night Haunts Me Even When I'm Awake

July 1995.

I was 18 years old. I had fallen asleep on the couch. That was my bed when I moved in with some friends. I fell asleep watching a movie.

I woke up and his fingers were around my throat and I felt like I was suffocating. He was biting my breasts and trying to have sex with me. His fingers digging into me.

I don't think he thought it was assault. I think he thought it was rough foreplay. I don't think he meant to hurt me, not in a mean sense.

I think he thought I wanted to have sex with him. I think I'd been flirty too many times, an 18 year old can be. I told him, while he was assaulting me, that I would have sex with him, but not while his wife was in the next room sleeping.

I didn't. I didn't want to before that happened and I didn't ever have sex with him. I just needed a way to get him off of me. It worked. He didn't rape me. We didn't have sex.

I woke up the next morning to bruising on my breasts, bruising on my neck, bruising on my arms and legs.

I also woke up the next morning to a new fear of my surroundings; a new fear of who I was. A new fear that somehow I had caused this. He winked at me that morning and asked if I was ok and I said "of course."

I didn't have anywhere to go. I had no car, very little money, no place to stay. So I made sure that I was never alone with him. I double thought about every word I said before I said it. I made sure that I didn't flirt. I made sure I didn't fall asleep at night and would only fall asleep in the day, when I felt it was safe.

When I have had surgery and woken up with the oxygen mask on my face, I had a horrifying panic attack that stayed with me for days. The doctors now put the nasal oxygen tubes on me before  waking me from any ssurger. My husband and kids know not to wake me up by touching me. At least one of our children has been hit, accidentally, for waking me up by touching me.

Now I have to have a CPAP machine. I'll be connected to a machine while I sleep. I go in the morning to try a "nasal pillow" because I can't have anything on my face while I sleep. I've told the nurse my story and she promised to work with me to try to make this work. It's the least invasive one they make. 

Pray for me? Pray for it be tolerable? I want to breathe while I sleep again and not have such high blood pressure. I want to not wake up with such horrible headaches anymore and I want to wake up and feel like I've actually slept. This "pillow" should help with that, if I can stop seeing his face and feeling his hands on me every time I think about.

Happy Father's Day

Sunday is going to get here and I won't be able to take the time to write this so I'm doing it a little early.

Happy Father's Day to all the incredibly special fathers in my life.

If you are my friend and are a father, know that I am thinking of you this day and wishing you an amazing day.

If you are the father of a friend of mine and have ever included me in part of your family, Happy Father's Day!

If you are my brother (happy 1st FD!), uncle, cousin, etc...and a father, thank you for showing up every day.

If you are the biological father of one of my children and I am not, or have not been married to you, thank you for sharing your beautiful children with me.

If you are my father or my step-father or father-in-law, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! I love you! I may be biased but I'm pretty sure I have some of the best dads in the universe! Thank you for all that you have taught me and thank you for loving me even when I'm not easy to love.

If you are my husband, and the amazing father to children that you are biologically related to and not biologically related to you, I love you. Thank you for walking this parenting journey with me. Thank you for stepping into shoes that were left for you to fill. Thank you for the sacrifices that you make for our children every day. Thank you for loving me every step of the way. Thank you for loving and accepting our family for what it is and not being disappointed in what it isn't. We don't give you nearly enough credit for all that you do and we want you to know that we appreciate you. I appreciate you.

Happy Father's Day!

June is BUSY! (Family Update)

Somehow the month is already half over and it feels like this summer is going to fly by. We have had the Annual Homework Burn and spent a short weekend in Kearney. We were able to spend some time with Steve's family and visited my Aunt Linda and Grandma Carson. We had an epic time at Heritage Days and Steve and I even donned costumes for a little Sumo Wrestling. If you haven't checked out the video on my FB page, you really should...you will laugh!

https://www.facebook.com/samantha.fankhauser/videos/10216651018454999/

Tai came home at the end of May and it has been pretty much non-stop since. She had started applying for jobs before she even came home and is currently working at Embark Grooming Salon. She loves it! This girl loves dogs! She has been offered a job at Nelnet and so we shall see what direction she goes. We will celebrate her graduation with family and friends this Sunday.

Ariez is up early everyday for summer school. Steve and I take turns taking him and then one of the other drivers in the house goes to pick him up. He informed me today that his summer will not be long enough because of having to go to school. This will better support him for his graduation needs so he might not quite see the benefits of it right now but hopefully will next school year he'll be thankful to have these classes out of the way.

Treyson got back Sunday from a week-long trip to Yellowstone. He went with about 9 other people from Zoo school. It sounds like he had just an amazing time. They camped and one night they even were "under the stars" as they didn't want to have to pack up the tents in the morning. They took turns preparing campfire meals each night and had some great hikes and a raft trip. He saw a bear and thought that the geysers were really neat.

Genevieve is currently packing for her own trip to Wyoming with the High School Youth Group. She leaves bright and early on Tuesday and I think she's pretty excited. I don't know how she got old enough to go on a High School age group but apparently she is. They will spend a week at Table in the Wilderness and I pray it will be a spiritual trip for her. When she gets back, she will be a teacher assistant to the pre-schoolers for VBS.

Reyanne is currently at Camp Marantha for the Middle School Youth Group. She left on Monday and will be home on Sunday. We don't get to talk to her but I've seen a couple of pictures and it looks like she's having fun. She was smiling and didn't appear to have any bandages. :) I can't wait to hear all about her trip when she gets home. This is her first year for camp and I think she was mostly excited with a little bit of nerves.

Steve and I just keep plugging away. He works long hours at Nelnet and is a pack leader for Boy Scouts. I am in "budget season" for work and enjoying my grief facilitator volunteer gig with Mourning Hope. I've shared with you that we are working our way through "A Purpose Driven Life" and we try to take small breaks and spend some time just fostering our relationship in intentional ways. The other night we laid out on the trampoline and just watched the clouds move and planned our back yard for family bbq's and grandchildren. I'm so thankful to be on this journey with him.

It's Okay to Start Over

As I continue my journey through life, and through "The Purpose Driven Life", and my journey through new challenges, and my latest battle with overwhelming anxiety, I realize that I am forever going to be a work in progress. I am learning hard things about myself, about my relationships with others; not bad things always but learning things about how I thought I was treating people versus how I was actually treating people. I'm learning why I was doing some things versus how I thought I was doing things and how I want to do them going forward.

Don't get me wrong...I know that there is a lot of good in me. There's a lot of good in the things I do and have done. I simply want to make sure I'm intentional in those things. Love more selflessly, be more graceful, lead with a fuller heart, foster healthier relationships.  I want to continue to do those things that I do that are beautiful and with God present and I also want to grow and learn new, selfless ways to love and lead.

I have a tendency to learn things about myself and then just feel really crappy about all the wrong ways I was doing things. I hold onto my sins and my mistakes as a declaration of reasons why I am "unloveable, undeserving, not good enough, etc..." I can continue to do that, or I could forgive myself as God forgives us and be steadfast in doing better. I could allow myself the same grace that God allows me and the same grace that I allow other people. That seems like a harder, but healthier and more productive option.

I saw this great quote once that said, "if we want to get someplace we've never been, we must be willing to do something we've never done." That might not be exactly how the saying goes but you get the idea. I say this often to my husband when we take intentional time to really grow together as a couple. I say this as I begin my "quit smoking journey" and my new "lifestyle/menu/eating journey." And now I'm saying this to myself on my "spiritual journey."

I am on a life-long journey and I am not defined only by my past. I am defined by what I choose to do with the things I learn and my willingness and ability to change and continuously be a better me than I was the day before. I know that I will stumble along the way. I want to be able to accept that and just keep going. I want to have the knowledge, ability, and courage to say "it's okay" and start all over again.

The "Goliath" in My Life

The story of David and Goliath is important because it reminds us that through God, all things are possible. David said to a taunting Goliath, "You come against me with the sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord...all those watching will know that the Lord saves." David then took a stone and slingshot and hit Goliath in the forehead and Goliath was a giant beaten by not a small, under-equipped man but by the man with God on his side.

Sometimes the Goliath in my life is an actual person. Someone that causes me to re-think the way I see things. Someone that I feel threatens the things that I hold dear to me. Someone who creates conflict in my space.

Sometimes, the Goliath in my life is my mental health. Sometimes, my physical health. Sometimes, I am my own Goliath through my thoughts and actions.

What I struggle sometimes to remember is that I am not alone in any battle that is for good. I have God and His grace and love save. They will cover me to go into the battle. Sometimes I too am like David and I am under-equipped and smaller than the giant that I must battle. In those times, I am not alone. It is not by my own actions that I will win the battle.

I'd do well to remember. I'm sure I'll forget again, maybe even later today but I'll know it and God will remind me and allow me to feel centered again. On a side note, when I imagine this Goliath  as a big mocking beast like person, it makes me smile. Especially when I know that the battle I fight is for good.

1-800-273-TALK(8255)

I woke up this morning to the very sad news that yet another high profile celebrity had completed suicide. This has been a hard week. May Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's souls find the peace in the afterlife that they could not find on this Earthly world. May their families find a peace in the sadness and the not knowing.

The AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) notes that on average, 123 people complete suicide a day. They further report that only 1 of every 25 attempts is successful. Keep in mind that these numbers are completely underreported and only accurate to the degree of what is known. This does not account for the amount of people who attempt suicide each day and do not succeed. This does not account for people who have completed suicide but done so in an untraceable way.

These numbers are on the rise. All reports show that the rate of suicide is going up. This is tragic. May all of those people find a peace that they could not find here. May people have the strength to talk about it. May we find a hope and peace for the future.

How do we find hope in those stats? I don't know.

I have attempted suicide multiple times. I have laid in bed and thought of ways to end my life; the when, where, how. I have begged for strength and courage to simple end the suffering and anxiety and depression. I have wished for that one bad diagnosis from the doctors that would mean an end to my life. I have thought the "if only" thoughts.

I get it. Life can be hard. Really hard. When you're fighting demons in your mind that tell you that you are worthless and stupid and not deserving of love. When someone you love hurts you to your very core. When the world seems to be spinning out of control with no sense of it stopping. When it feels like nothing is going right. Even when it feels like everything is going right but there is a sadness so deep within your soul that the brightness cannot find it.

Reach out. The National Suicide Prevention Line is 1-800-273-TALK(8255). It can be anonymous. Nobody has to know the dark, troubled thoughts in your mind if you don't want them to.

Reach out. Text me, call me, message me, Snapchat me. Day or night. I'm here. If I know you a little or if I know you a lot.

Reach out. Call a friend who can just be in your space with you. Someone who isn't demanding or has a need to 'fix' every situation. Or someone who does need to 'fix' everything.

Reach out. To a therapist. To a doctor.

Reach out. Post what you need to on social media. There are such beautiful scriptures, pictures, thoughts on social media. If you need to just get words out but don't know how or where to, do it there.

Share your story. Let people in. If for no other reason than to let someone else know that they are not alone.

You are NOT alone. I know that you feel like you are. You are NOT alone.

You are NOT worthless and undeserving of love and attention and peace. I know you feel like you are. You are NOT undeserving.

You are NOT the sum of what people make you feel like you are. Even when those people are the one's who should love you the most. You are NOT those things.

You are NOT the tapes that play in your head and you are NOT the things that depression and anxiety tell you that you are. I know those tapes play loudly. You are NOT those things.

As a survivor of someone who completed suicide, a club that I never asked to join, I can tell you that our lives make a difference to people. Your life means so much more to someone than maybe they've told you. Or maybe they've told you and you couldn't hear it or feel it because your mind wouldn't let you. Your life matters. Your heart matters. Your feelings matter. Your thoughts matter. You matter.

My life matters. My heart matters. My feelings matter. My thoughts matter. I matter.

God is Bigger than Anything That is Put in My Path

God is bigger than anything that is put in my path. Why do I have so much trouble remembering that? Why do I feel like I need constant reassurance that everything is, and is going to be, just fine. All things will be in His way. I trust in Him and I believe in Him. My anxiety that feeds my insecurities clearly do not feel the same way.

Sometimes it feels like no breath I take is big enough.

I read, and re-wrote, "God doesn't give you the answers while you're in the middle of the test." I know that. What I don't know is how much of it is a test. I feel like I've walked into History class feeling prepared for a test, only to find out that the test is in Algebra.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just barely treading water and that it'd be easier to just drown.

Sometimes it feels like God isn't hearing me and I'm sure that's because I'm not supposed to. I feel like I'm reaching for Him but not quite grasping it.

To be completely honest, I'm not patient. I want answers when I ask questions, I want to go when it's time to go, I want things done when I ask that they be done. Waiting for answers, healing, people in general, is not something I'm good with.

My husband tests my patience on an almost daily basis. Whether it be in his response to me, him slowly getting to the van, him not leaving when I think he should, his lack of timely responses to my texts and calls, you name it...he just pushes that button. It's not all his fault. A) My impatience is not his emergency and it shouldn't be; B) he's just a lot more laid back than I am; C) he is legit busy and works hard. Also, if we're being honest, my impatience probably feels a little bit like control.

I'm so clearly a work in progress. I know that I'm not easy to love or always easy to be with. I'm learning. I will keep praying, I will keep learning, I will keep growing.

What I've Recently Learned About Acceptance

Steve and I are working through "A Purpose Driven Life" by Pastor Rick Warren. We just finished day 7 and I will tell you, this book has been hard in some places. It has made me look at things in different ways but it has absolutely moved me to want to be a person who walks with purpose. It's absolutely making a great difference in my life already.

The definition of purpose: something set up as an object or an end to be attained; intention; resolution; determination. I want to live with intention. I want to live knowing that it's all for a greater cause, knowing that I'm not just getting through life but that I'm serving God and that there is a reason for it all. Maybe it will make the bad days not so bad and the good days that much better. Hopefully, it will make my relationships more sustainable and fulfilling. 

As we walk through life, and relationships, we have to accept a lot of things. I thought I was accepting of things before, but now I realize that I was simply surviving most of them. Putting life events in my tool belt and using them in ways that probably were pretty selfish. The "oh, well I've survived this, so that means I am this," or "I survived this so I get a pass on that," or "I've accepted this from you, so now you just have to deal with the consequences."  Which is probably why I've failed to find the peace in a lot of these things that I thought I was accepting.

That isn't acceptance. At least, it's not acceptance in the way that will grow you. It's not acceptance in the way that God accepts us. It's not acceptance in a selfless love. It's not accepting things for other people's growth and life but rather excusing behaviors of my own. 

Life is FULL of conflict. It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, or what you do, life is going to bring conflict. Some of it big and some of it small. God doesn't promise us that there will be no conflict. Pastor Warren says the key to finding peace in the conflict is through acceptance. He says, "In the world you are going to have problems. Peace of mind does not come from conflict free living. You can have peace of mind IN the conflict. Three things will bring you peace in conflict. 1) The choice of acceptance 2) The choice for trust 3) The choice for surrender."  

When you surrender to that conflict, you will find peace. When you surrender and accept that there are things that are going to happen that are out of your control, you will truly be able to find peace. When you surrender and accept that life isn't always going to go the way you thought it would, wanted it to, or felt that you deserved, you will find peace in those things and peace in life. How many times have I cried out, "God, why are you are letting this happen, why are you bringing this into my life, why?" Warren says, "by continuing to demand why, you are refusing to accept what is." He continues to say, "explanations do not always bring peace and that God is not going to give you the answers to the test while you are taking it." 

So this is what we're working on. It's not always easy, it's not always pretty, but it's important. I'm choosing to accept things that are hard, I'm choosing to accept the things that are easy to accept. I'm doing so with the purpose of living in Christ and with the purpose of finding peace within the conflict. 

Anxiety Sucks

After hitting my highest of weights, I finally agreed to see a specialist. We discussed a bunch of things and I will share that journey another time. He also recommended a new medication. Another doctor had recommended this medication and I refused. This doctor recommended it and I thought, "it'll be ok because I am better now. I won't let this medication impact my mental health. I'm not the same person I was before." I've been so good for about 3 years with minimal medication, because of minimal medication and God.

I took the medication a week later. About 2 weeks later, I noticed I seemed a little more anxious in the evening. I was told that could happen so I wasn't concerned. I never thought "oh, I don't like this and I need to go off."

While on our trip to NY, I had a PTSD triggering event. I was already anxious and that anxiety made that event seem way more than it was. When we got back, the anxiety just wouldn't end so then began the little sleep (because that's huge sign of anxiety for me). 

Then my hubby dropped a major bomb-shell on me (we are fine, this is life we're living), health concerns for some of the kids and me (we're fine) and then a doctor's appointment that showed some disturbingly high blood pressures. One doctor wanted me to go to the ER (I didn't), the two other doctors have me self-monitoring and only going if it become symptomatic. Also, stop taking that med. So now I'm withdrawing on top of all of that. 

Here's the thing about high blood-pressure. It's absolutely NOT possible to lower your blood-pressure by simply "trying to relax." At least not in my life because my life doesn't stop and my life is partially what causes the blood-pressure that's high. I keep trying, I keep praying, it just seems to get higher. I see the doctor next week. 

But this whole thing is about the anxiety. Anxiety tells me I'm not worthy, it tells me I'm not enough, it tells me I'm a bad person, it tells me that people don't love me. Anxiety sets me into a pattern of depression and suicide ideation (I'M FINE!) Anxiety lies. Depression lies. I am seemingly fine one moment and horrible the next. 

I had a rough start to the morning, well it was a good start and then I pushed and it became bad and I walked into work crying. I looked through some of my great motivational things and listened to a wonderful sermon by Rick Warren on acceptance. I felt renewed, refreshed. My hubby and I went to lunch. It was good. And then the anxiety kicked it and it just became overwhelming. We left, I kept trying to breathe and then my hubby didn't remember that he was bringing me to work (which we had talked about at lunch) and then couldn't make a decision and stick with it and I SCREAMED AT HIM. Screamed and cried (super ugly cried). 

Then I told him to divorce me because I'm insane, not because of anything else going on in our lives, not because of any bombshells, not because I don't love him...because I'm insane. (It's been a couple of hours and I haven't been served papers yet, I'm hoping he'll hold off.)

So yeah...this sucks. I DO know I'll be okay. I will cycle through this. This has been a humbling reminder of a) sticking to my guns and not going on new medications with any type of mental health side effects and b) I have been super good for 3ish years but I'm not cured, just better. 

I also know I'm needy, insecure, impatient, sensitive to what people say and don't say. I apologize. If you know me and love me, hold onto me please, be more patient and graceful with me, text me often even if I don't text back (but don't call because I probably won't answer that's often too overwhelming), know that my fb and twitter posts are sometimes in moments of weakness and panic and sometimes in attempts to ward off bigger attacks. I'll be back to myself soon. I'm working on it. I am trying. And I'm praying.

Happy Mother's Day

To the village of women who helped to shape the mom that I am, specifically...

To my moms, I have been blessed with two....
   Vanessa, who gave birth to me and supports me on a daily basis...Happy Mother's Day.
    Maggie, my step-mother, who married my father and took me in as her own...Happy Mother's Day.

To my grandmothers, I have been blessed with many....
   Grandma Carson, who helped raise me and helped provide for me...Happy Mother's Day.
   Grandma Seiker, who loved me from the beginning and accepted me as one of her's...Happy               Mother's Day.
   Granny, I will forever cherish your laugh...Happy Heavenly Mother's Day.

To my aunts and extended family who helped teach me about being a woman and mother...Happy Mother's Day.

To my sister's who are raising beautiful children who will become (or are) the next generation of important people in our lives....Happy Mother's Day.
    To the sister who made me the mother of some of my nieces and nephew and a grandmother to my      great neice...Happy Heavenly Mother's Day.

To my mother-in-law, and aunt, and grandmother who have embraced me and my children and supported my family and raised such an amazing man who I am blessed to call my husband...Happy Mother's Day.

To my friend's moms who helped shape me and cheered me on, specifically Momma C and Momma J, you have touched my heart in many ways and I have loved being a part of your families...Happy Mother's Day.

To my mom friends, who celebrate with me and cry with me when needed...Happy Mother's Day.

To the village of women who help me every day as a mother...Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for being such an important part of my children's lives. I am blessed to share my children with you and honored that you have loved them and guide them...Happy Mother's Day.