Survival

 It was scary. When your child has any type of medical episode, fear is the predominant feeling. The same is true when your child has a mental health episode. Most of the people in our lives know that we live with a child that has some significant mental health issues. Schizoaffective disorder is part of that diagnosis. At 3:30 a.m. we were awakened with an episode. 

We lead with our hearts. It's easiest that way. Our heart is where all of our compassion and thoughtfulness lie. We lead with calmness on the outside, inside you can be freaking out and feeling a lot of other things but nobody ever got through a mental health emergency peacefully and practically without love and compassion. 

What they were saying didn't make sense in our minds. It only mattered that it made sense in their mind. An "irrational" fear that the dog was somehow unsafe and that the dog had to go in the middle of the night. It made sense to them that the security cameras could track their movements and report to "them" the things that were going on in their mind and that "they" would then come and take them away. It made sense to them that the dog was a part of that. 

These are the times that I realize how much of what happens in the mind of my child is outside my ability to control. These are the times that I'm truly thankful to have a team of experts on stand-by to help us get through these moments, whether they occur in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day. 

Today, I'm in survival mode. My body can survive, occasionally, on a few hours of restless sleep. My mind will heal and my heart will heal. I've contacted the doctors to make sure we're on the right track. We made sure they have their medicine to help control those types of thoughts, even if they didn't seem to work last night. We will make sure they eat and rest today because even if their mind isn't completely aware of what happened last night, their body is. Today I will do more research on these types of episodes and triggers. Mental health is a continuous journey and the only way to combat it is to keep learning more about it. 

So today, we survive and heal. We remind ourselves of our blessings. We practice grace with each other. We lean on our support systems a little bit more. We heal. We survive so that tomorrow we may thrive. 

Nights

I sit here tonight, watching it snow through the windows, unable to sleep because I have a restless mom heart. There are way more questions than answers and that's probably one of the harder aspects of all of this. 

Obviously, I have questions about what happened that night. I have so many questions about all of that but I know that I won't get those answers. I know that in my lifetime, I may never be able to have an honest conversation with R about those questions. I also think that with all the trauma and all the protection she's doing of other people and her own mind, those questions may not even be able to be answered by her. 

So that leaves me with questions for the lawyers. It's hard to lay down and sleep knowing that there is so much that I don't know. I've watched a lot of crime shows. A lot of criminal documentaries. I know "just enough" about stuff to know that there are a lot of things that I want answers to.

My mind goes in circles with some of these things. Please understand that I do have extreme faith in His timing and know that He knows the way through all of this. That doesn't stop me from being nervous and crying for my girl and crying for her girl and crying for M's family and friends. That faith does not keep my mind from wandering through dark tunnels and circles. 

So I email the lawyer. I ask questions that may be too far in the future. I ask questions that are probably annoying to him. I ask questions about things that he just probably doesn't have the answers to right now. Thankfully, he's been patient with me. Thankfully, he's briefly explained what he can and pushed off questions that he doesn't know the answers to, or that he doesn't want to share the answers with me. Oh to be a fly on the wall when him and his co-lawyer are discussing this case. 

Is she just another troubled kid to him? Is she just someone that he's getting court-ordered to represent? I have to believe that he cares a little. If I don't believe that, then I'm likely to lose my mind in all of this. Is he just going through the motions or is he really fighting for her like he would any self-paying client? Does it matter as long as he represents her to the best of his ability? No lawyer likes to lose. No lawyer takes a case to waste their time and just simply collect a small payment (assuming the state does not pay as well as his self-pay clients). What do I know? Maybe I'm fooling myself in that area. 

So anyway...this is what I do when I should be sleeping but know that sleep will not come. This is what I do while I wait for my meds to kick in so that I can no longer fight the anxiety and sleep. Then I fall asleep and hope for dreamless nights because when the dreams come, they're usually filled with more things that I want the answers to but will not get. 

 

"We the People"

I have started and re-written this many times in the last 12 hours. I can't quite seem to find the right words. I worry that my Republican friends will be angry if I say too much and that my Democrat friends will be angry if I say too little. All of that leads me to not really wanting to say anything at all but that doesn't feel right to me. I feel like I NEED to say something. Not for anyone else, but for me. For me to know that I said something. For me to know that I did not stay quite and for me to look back on and remember these moments accurately.

What happened in Washington, D.C. on 1/6/2021 makes me feel...

I am angry. 

I am sad. 

I am in disbelief. 

I am scared. Not for my safety or livelihood but for my kids and my grandkids and the world. 

We the people deserve better. 

We the people need to do better. 

We the people need to stop pointing fingers and figure out how we got here and how we get out of here. 

I understand how Trump was elected. As much as I think people missed their mark by electing him specifically, I understand the feeling that we needed a change from our regular politicians. People wanted change. People wanted to get away from politicians who care about the party more than the people. 

I understand why Trump was not re-elected. Enough people realized that they missed the mark by electing a man who was not qualified to lead a country. Trump is not a leader. The majority of people who support him and fight for him, are not the majority of good Republicans. Not the majority of Republicans who care about our Nation and our livelihood. He's "leading" a group of extremists. He's like the popular guy in school who leads a group of stereotypical chuckleheads.

Now, I can recognize the good things that Trump has accomplished. He has had success in office. He has made deals happen and good things. That's because Trump is a business man. Not one that I would like to do business with but a successful business man. A good business man is not synonymous with good leader. 

That being said, the lead Democrats have spent the last 4 years fit throwing and fighting at every turn. They have refused to accept Trump as the President and that has created massive issues, as well as egg on a narcissistic ego maniac. Now, these are not the good Democrats who truly want to do what is right by the American people. These are not the life long politicians that have learned to compromise and work with people across the aisle that they may not like or agree with. 

I think what I'm saying in general is that "we the people" need help. We need a leader that will unite us and not divide us. We need politicians that will work for "we the people" and not just their party. "We the people" need real leaders. "We the people" need reform and we need it now. 

I pray. I pray for our families. I pray for healing. I pray for our leaders to please stand up and lead our country back to wholeness. 

*as a side note, I just read this to my husband and was interrupted by the tiny human who just said, "wait, is Trump real?" We said, "yes, of course he is. He is the President of the United States." She said, "is he green?" To which I replied, "no, he's orange." :) 

One Night

 I've mentioned, maybe a few times, that I'm internally exhausted at this point in my life. Yesterday, I forgot to take my lunch to work with me and I could have gone and picked something up but thought I would be fine. I ended up eating junk through the day. Yummy junk, but junk. Sesame sticks, some nuts, a couple cookies, chips...Needless to say, I felt like crap by 3:00. I had a headache and I was wiped out. When I got home at 4:30, I ate a couple turkey sticks and dinner could not come fast enough. 

I have a thing that I tell my kids, "if you're sitting at the table holding your head up, you are clearly in need of early bedtime." Well one of the kids was doing that last night and as I was demonstrating the behavior I wanted them to stop, I realized how great it felt. I clearly needed an early bedtime last night. 

Fighting all my "mom guilt," I asked my hubby if he could handle kids. I went to bed at 7:00 last night. I took my night meds, put on my jammies, turned off my ringer, curled up under my weighted blanket and turned on Netflix. I fully intended to fall asleep but didn't. 

It was very much needed. I got up this morning refreshed. I'm still tired because that's where I'm at right now but I feel like I can push through another day. I feel friendlier. I feel like the tasks on my list today will not drown me. I could still use a nap but that's physical tired and that's different then soul exhaustion. 

Today, I'm going to the gym. I feel like I can breathe again (literally...it's been tough) and so I'm having the hubs pick up the little from school and meeting a kiddo at the gym today. I'm hoping that helps with tonight's sleep. 

What I found out last night should not come as a huge shocker to anyone but my mom guilt, everyone was FINE. The hubs got the little to bed, the big kids took care of themselves, the world did not end. I don't HAVE to carry the weight of it all every single minute of every single day. Truthfully, my family will benefit from it today because I won't be crabby and I will be able to focus better today. 

Oh...and I brought my lunch today so I won't be protein deprived and overloaded with carbs! 

Take care of yourselves, friends. Your life needs you to hit pause every so often. 

Not Resolutions

 I feel like the phrase New Year's Resolutions puts an enormous amount of pressure on people. If you're like me and already feel that the weight of the world is putting enough pressure on you, the last thing you need is to create more for yourself. 

That being said, I do have some areas that I need to work on for myself. Not just this new year but in general and I feel like there is no time like the present to get started on them. 

In the middle of December I joined a gym. I was reading some of my "fb memories" and realized just how much I got from going to the gym every day. That seems like a million years ago but I remember feeling accomplished and proud of myself and more full of life. I haven't actually gone yet because...thanks, bronchitis...but hopefully this week will be the week. 

I'm beginning this journey with the R3 method. I can't really tell you a whole lot about it yet because I'm still learning it but meal replacements will be a part of it and from what I can tell it's mostly high protein and low carbs and that has worked really well for me in the past. 

I have also decided that it's time for me start seeing a new therapist. I broke up with my last one when most of my sessions turned out to be about her and her constant push to get my hubby to start seeing a therapist. She may have been right but that has to be decided by him and shouldn't be the focus of my therapy. I am okay. I just have some things I need to work on. It's harder to smile more days than I want it to be. There's a lot in my life that I cannot control so I need to get a better handle on the things that I can. I want to be the person I used to see myself being and I struggle to do that easily lately. My family doctor said to me that he "wishes me the wisdom to own what is mine and let go of what isn't." I apparently need some help with that as I know that I'm owning a lot of things that aren't mine. 

I'm sure that along this journey there will be many posts about the gym, weight management and self-growth posts. Bear with me...or unfollow me...lol. This is where it starts for me. We'll see what happens next. 

Happy New Year

 New Year's has come and gone. 

Tai had surgery yesterday and Rileigh and I have been sick so we cancelled any company coming over and kept it small. We still had way too much food but that's kind of how it goes here. There is always a lot of food. Traditionally we smoke a turkey and go to HyVee cheese section and get some fun stuff and have crackers and yummies. We did the same this year and agreed that we were not going to go overboard. Well, we tried. 

To be honest, I wasn't really looking forward to NYE so it really didn't bother me that we were not going out with a lot of people. I wanted it small so I didn't have to "fake" celebrating in the moments that I experienced anxious about upcoming year and sadness to be leaving behind some great times in 2020.  There were a LOT of moments in 2020 that were amazing! There were also some extremely difficult moments in 2020 and will be thankful to not ever have to live them again. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" - Charles Dickens, The Tale of Two Cities. Never was there a more true statement or more accurate description of 2020. 

I don't know how 2021 is going to pan out. I don't know if I will successfully accomplish my "resolutions" or if they will be long forgotten soon. I do know that life is truly about balance and that we will survive through whatever the year brings. There will be great moments and moments of sadness. There will continue to be a balance of life no matter what happened last year and no matter what happens this year.