It's 1982. It's October. The leaves have changed and there is a crisp feel to the air. It's dark but probably not late. There's a knock at the door and behind the door is dad. He's been gone and missed so there is excitement in seeing him.
The little girl is 4 years old. She has long blonde hair and blue eyes. She and her baby sister get ready to go with Daddy. Their bags are packed, they don't have much. The 4 year old is put in little brown shoes that are too small for her feet and they squish and hurt her toes.
They leave the only home they really remember. It's not always safe there but their mom and sisters are there and it's all they know. It's good for them to be leaving but they don't know that. They are going on an adventure with their Daddy.
They arrive at Grandma's house. She's kind of grumpy and says some mean things about their Mommy but they are really too young to understand. Grandpa takes out his pocket knife and cuts the ends off the little girl's too small shoes. Then Grandma and Daddy take her to the grocery store to buy some shoes that fit her feet.
Fall brings memories as the air changes with the leaves. It gets darker earlier and there's a feeling that sometimes the now all grown up 4 year old just can't shake. It's not a bad story. There wasn't a fight. It's not even an unpleasant memory. It's just something life changing that sits there.
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Friday, October 25, 2019
My Anxiety
My husband, bless his heart, said to me last night, "do you want to take Rey to Dollar Tree?"
Perfectly acceptable question. He was trying to help me alleviate the anxiety that was coursing through my body at the moment.
"Are you kidding me?! Do you know what can happen?", I frantically replied.
At that moment, all I could think about were the number of cars that could lose control and run into me, the inexperienced teenage driver who could slam into me because they weren't paying attention. I immediately thought about how someone could come in and rob the store while we were there. I thought about how if I let Rey go into a different aisle, I wouldn't be there to step in front of her to stop a bullet. I thought about what would happen if there was something wet in the aisle and I slipped and broke my leg, or worse my back or arm and it would make it very difficult to work. There was even the possibility that there would be a masked madman hiding near my garage when we went to get in the van.
I KNOW these things are extreme. I KNOW these things aren't very realistic. I KNOW that my fears were unrealistic, but that didn't stop them from coming. Knowing didn't stop my heart from racing and my blood pressure going up and my body feeling tense.
That's what my anxiety looks like a LOT of the time. I start sweating and can hear my heartbeat in my head. I can instantly picture mass chaos and disaster and trauma.
And then, my anxiety tells me how stupid I am for thinking those things. It tells me how ridiculous it is that I would even let my mind take me there. It tells me that I'm annoying to my husband because he was just trying to help. It tells me that I'm irrational.
This is MY generalized anxiety disorder. Panic creeping in out of nowhere for no real reason. It's in the season for me. G's panic tells her to go, go, go. Her anxiety makes her need to go to the store, need to be out of the house, need to be on the move.
Perfectly acceptable question. He was trying to help me alleviate the anxiety that was coursing through my body at the moment.
"Are you kidding me?! Do you know what can happen?", I frantically replied.
At that moment, all I could think about were the number of cars that could lose control and run into me, the inexperienced teenage driver who could slam into me because they weren't paying attention. I immediately thought about how someone could come in and rob the store while we were there. I thought about how if I let Rey go into a different aisle, I wouldn't be there to step in front of her to stop a bullet. I thought about what would happen if there was something wet in the aisle and I slipped and broke my leg, or worse my back or arm and it would make it very difficult to work. There was even the possibility that there would be a masked madman hiding near my garage when we went to get in the van.
I KNOW these things are extreme. I KNOW these things aren't very realistic. I KNOW that my fears were unrealistic, but that didn't stop them from coming. Knowing didn't stop my heart from racing and my blood pressure going up and my body feeling tense.
That's what my anxiety looks like a LOT of the time. I start sweating and can hear my heartbeat in my head. I can instantly picture mass chaos and disaster and trauma.
And then, my anxiety tells me how stupid I am for thinking those things. It tells me how ridiculous it is that I would even let my mind take me there. It tells me that I'm annoying to my husband because he was just trying to help. It tells me that I'm irrational.
This is MY generalized anxiety disorder. Panic creeping in out of nowhere for no real reason. It's in the season for me. G's panic tells her to go, go, go. Her anxiety makes her need to go to the store, need to be out of the house, need to be on the move.
Monday, October 21, 2019
"just..."
This may very well be an unpopular post. That's ok. You may not agree with me. That's ok. You may agree with me. That's okay too.
This post is not about the medicinal properties of THC or hemp or any of the positive things that can come from mj. This post is not about the legalities or if it should or shouldn't be legal. It's not legal where I live and therefore, it's an illegal substance so "but it SHOULD be legal" is not a valid argument to this particular post.
I have smoked weed. I have enjoyed a few edibles in my day. That's just my disclaimer so nobody can say, "but you...".
Here's when I have a problem with weed (and alcohol for that matter or really any substance (food included) that you may be using)...
If you are willing to throw away the stability of your family to consistently get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are willing to put your child at risk because of your actions, it's not "just" weed.
If you have no other goal in your day than to get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are not able to gain willful employment because you can't pass a drug test, it's not "just" weed.
If you like to get high every once in awhile, it's "just" weed.
If your life consists of so much more than just chasing that high, it's "just" weed.
If you are a productive member of society and are self-supporting and still smoke weed, it's "just" weed.
If you are using weed to medicate and that's the ONLY time you use it, it's "just" weed.
If whatever substance you are using is in fact no longer optional but required for living, you may have a problem. Let's get help. I need help with food. I need help with cigarettes. I need help. Do you need help? If so, reach out. Please. Addiction to anything never impacts just the person using. Never.
This post is not about the medicinal properties of THC or hemp or any of the positive things that can come from mj. This post is not about the legalities or if it should or shouldn't be legal. It's not legal where I live and therefore, it's an illegal substance so "but it SHOULD be legal" is not a valid argument to this particular post.
I have smoked weed. I have enjoyed a few edibles in my day. That's just my disclaimer so nobody can say, "but you...".
Here's when I have a problem with weed (and alcohol for that matter or really any substance (food included) that you may be using)...
If you are willing to throw away the stability of your family to consistently get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are willing to put your child at risk because of your actions, it's not "just" weed.
If you have no other goal in your day than to get high, it's not "just" weed.
If you are not able to gain willful employment because you can't pass a drug test, it's not "just" weed.
If you like to get high every once in awhile, it's "just" weed.
If your life consists of so much more than just chasing that high, it's "just" weed.
If you are a productive member of society and are self-supporting and still smoke weed, it's "just" weed.
If you are using weed to medicate and that's the ONLY time you use it, it's "just" weed.
If whatever substance you are using is in fact no longer optional but required for living, you may have a problem. Let's get help. I need help with food. I need help with cigarettes. I need help. Do you need help? If so, reach out. Please. Addiction to anything never impacts just the person using. Never.
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Balancing Symptoms and Side Effects
Mania and anxiety can increase one's sexual drive.
Depression can zap one's sex drive.
Antidepressants can zap one's sex drive.
Lack of antidepressants can increases one's mania and anxiety (as well as depression).
No antidepressants can make one feel like crying at anything and everything.
Antidepressants can make one feel numb to all of it.
The list just goes on and on. This is the all too common balancing act for those living with depression and anxiety. Through in some bipolar disorder just for fun and it's a lot. To treat or not to treat. Are the symptoms worse than the side effects of the medications? Do the medications take away good things in your life that have nothing to do with your mental health (SEX!)?
Mental illness and the symptoms of treating or not treating do not care if you're rich or poor. They do not care if you have a college degree or don't. They do not care if your life is typical a stress ball or if your life is super calm. They do not care if you have 1 kiddo or 8 kiddos. They do not care if you are a man or a woman, homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual. They don't care if you're a Christian, Muslim, atheist. They don't care if you "come from a good home/family" or if you are "street rat (Aladdin).
None of the ways you use to identify yourself matter when it comes to mental illness and the symptoms of treating or not treating. Obviously those stations and identities can play a part in mental illness, but they don't cause mental illness and they don't protect you from mental illness. They can determine the type of treatment you get but they can't keep you from experiencing side effects that are often unpleasant to live with.
Welcome to my reality for the day. I'm going to bite the bullet and increase one of my meds. I know what to expect. The side effects are annoying but not worse than the symptoms at this time.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Boss's Day
It's National Boss's Day. It has me thinking about all sorts of bosses and what they've taught me over the years. It's made me think about how I have become the professional person that I am today. It's made me think about what influence I have had in other's lives because of their influences.
My first bosses ever...my parents. They have certainly taught me a lot. Some of those lessons were about things I wanted to do differently when I became a boss parent but they've mostly taught me my core lessons.
Bob, my boss at McDonald's when I was 16. Every time he would see me he would say, "hi Sam I am!" Every time I would respond with, "hi, Bob. Sam I Am, Bob You Are." I had some pretty great bosses at McD's throughout the years. I worked at 3 different locations in 2 different states, 3 different towns for 5 years total.
Mark from Cabela's. He had a laugh that you could hear a block away and he pretty much always had a smile on his face. He didn't fire me when I was pregnant and my hubby had to have emergency surgery. He showed grace and compassion.
The nasty boss I had as a sandwich artist. Actually, I had two nasty bosses from two different sandwich shops. I wonder if it was in the air? They actually taught me a LOT about who I didn't ever want to become if I were ever another employee's "boss."
John O, from W&R. I can't say enough amazing things about him. He was the greatest boss I've ever had. He taught me how to stand on my own two feet, not just professionally but also personally. He taught me that I deserved to feel some confidence in my work. He showed me how to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. He was compassionate when I needed compassion, stern when I needed stern, an ear when I needed to talk. I cried in his office more times than I would like to remember but always knew I could count on him. He led. He built. He never gave up on me. He was there during some of my darkest days. He was exactly the boss I needed at exactly those moments in my life. Thank you!!
The boss I had that could only feel successful if she was tearing someone down. The emotional abuse she puts people through is insane but I'll tell you something. I learned a lot from her. I learned how to balance the feelings you can have about someone's good sides and bad sides. I learned numbers and budgets and grants like nobody's business so I'm thankful for that.
My current LADY BOSS! KBD leads by example. She is constantly there to build and empower and pushes us all to be better people, to never turn an eye, to never go nasty but stay firm. She allows me to grow and attend trainings and be a part of a community and allows me to feel the mission of the YWCA.
Are you a boss? Are you the boss that you needed when you needed a boss? Do you have a boss? What lessons have you taken from your bosses through the years?
My first bosses ever...my parents. They have certainly taught me a lot. Some of those lessons were about things I wanted to do differently when I became a boss parent but they've mostly taught me my core lessons.
Bob, my boss at McDonald's when I was 16. Every time he would see me he would say, "hi Sam I am!" Every time I would respond with, "hi, Bob. Sam I Am, Bob You Are." I had some pretty great bosses at McD's throughout the years. I worked at 3 different locations in 2 different states, 3 different towns for 5 years total.
Mark from Cabela's. He had a laugh that you could hear a block away and he pretty much always had a smile on his face. He didn't fire me when I was pregnant and my hubby had to have emergency surgery. He showed grace and compassion.
The nasty boss I had as a sandwich artist. Actually, I had two nasty bosses from two different sandwich shops. I wonder if it was in the air? They actually taught me a LOT about who I didn't ever want to become if I were ever another employee's "boss."
John O, from W&R. I can't say enough amazing things about him. He was the greatest boss I've ever had. He taught me how to stand on my own two feet, not just professionally but also personally. He taught me that I deserved to feel some confidence in my work. He showed me how to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. He was compassionate when I needed compassion, stern when I needed stern, an ear when I needed to talk. I cried in his office more times than I would like to remember but always knew I could count on him. He led. He built. He never gave up on me. He was there during some of my darkest days. He was exactly the boss I needed at exactly those moments in my life. Thank you!!
The boss I had that could only feel successful if she was tearing someone down. The emotional abuse she puts people through is insane but I'll tell you something. I learned a lot from her. I learned how to balance the feelings you can have about someone's good sides and bad sides. I learned numbers and budgets and grants like nobody's business so I'm thankful for that.
My current LADY BOSS! KBD leads by example. She is constantly there to build and empower and pushes us all to be better people, to never turn an eye, to never go nasty but stay firm. She allows me to grow and attend trainings and be a part of a community and allows me to feel the mission of the YWCA.
Are you a boss? Are you the boss that you needed when you needed a boss? Do you have a boss? What lessons have you taken from your bosses through the years?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)