Happy Father's Day

Sunday is going to get here and I won't be able to take the time to write this so I'm doing it a little early.

Happy Father's Day to all the incredibly special fathers in my life.

If you are my friend and are a father, know that I am thinking of you this day and wishing you an amazing day.

If you are the father of a friend of mine and have ever included me in part of your family, Happy Father's Day!

If you are my brother (happy 1st FD!), uncle, cousin, etc...and a father, thank you for showing up every day.

If you are the biological father of one of my children and I am not, or have not been married to you, thank you for sharing your beautiful children with me.

If you are my father or my step-father or father-in-law, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! I love you! I may be biased but I'm pretty sure I have some of the best dads in the universe! Thank you for all that you have taught me and thank you for loving me even when I'm not easy to love.

If you are my husband, and the amazing father to children that you are biologically related to and not biologically related to you, I love you. Thank you for walking this parenting journey with me. Thank you for stepping into shoes that were left for you to fill. Thank you for the sacrifices that you make for our children every day. Thank you for loving me every step of the way. Thank you for loving and accepting our family for what it is and not being disappointed in what it isn't. We don't give you nearly enough credit for all that you do and we want you to know that we appreciate you. I appreciate you.

Happy Father's Day!

June is BUSY! (Family Update)

Somehow the month is already half over and it feels like this summer is going to fly by. We have had the Annual Homework Burn and spent a short weekend in Kearney. We were able to spend some time with Steve's family and visited my Aunt Linda and Grandma Carson. We had an epic time at Heritage Days and Steve and I even donned costumes for a little Sumo Wrestling. If you haven't checked out the video on my FB page, you really should...you will laugh!

https://www.facebook.com/samantha.fankhauser/videos/10216651018454999/

Tai came home at the end of May and it has been pretty much non-stop since. She had started applying for jobs before she even came home and is currently working at Embark Grooming Salon. She loves it! This girl loves dogs! She has been offered a job at Nelnet and so we shall see what direction she goes. We will celebrate her graduation with family and friends this Sunday.

Ariez is up early everyday for summer school. Steve and I take turns taking him and then one of the other drivers in the house goes to pick him up. He informed me today that his summer will not be long enough because of having to go to school. This will better support him for his graduation needs so he might not quite see the benefits of it right now but hopefully will next school year he'll be thankful to have these classes out of the way.

Treyson got back Sunday from a week-long trip to Yellowstone. He went with about 9 other people from Zoo school. It sounds like he had just an amazing time. They camped and one night they even were "under the stars" as they didn't want to have to pack up the tents in the morning. They took turns preparing campfire meals each night and had some great hikes and a raft trip. He saw a bear and thought that the geysers were really neat.

Genevieve is currently packing for her own trip to Wyoming with the High School Youth Group. She leaves bright and early on Tuesday and I think she's pretty excited. I don't know how she got old enough to go on a High School age group but apparently she is. They will spend a week at Table in the Wilderness and I pray it will be a spiritual trip for her. When she gets back, she will be a teacher assistant to the pre-schoolers for VBS.

Reyanne is currently at Camp Marantha for the Middle School Youth Group. She left on Monday and will be home on Sunday. We don't get to talk to her but I've seen a couple of pictures and it looks like she's having fun. She was smiling and didn't appear to have any bandages. :) I can't wait to hear all about her trip when she gets home. This is her first year for camp and I think she was mostly excited with a little bit of nerves.

Steve and I just keep plugging away. He works long hours at Nelnet and is a pack leader for Boy Scouts. I am in "budget season" for work and enjoying my grief facilitator volunteer gig with Mourning Hope. I've shared with you that we are working our way through "A Purpose Driven Life" and we try to take small breaks and spend some time just fostering our relationship in intentional ways. The other night we laid out on the trampoline and just watched the clouds move and planned our back yard for family bbq's and grandchildren. I'm so thankful to be on this journey with him.

It's Okay to Start Over

As I continue my journey through life, and through "The Purpose Driven Life", and my journey through new challenges, and my latest battle with overwhelming anxiety, I realize that I am forever going to be a work in progress. I am learning hard things about myself, about my relationships with others; not bad things always but learning things about how I thought I was treating people versus how I was actually treating people. I'm learning why I was doing some things versus how I thought I was doing things and how I want to do them going forward.

Don't get me wrong...I know that there is a lot of good in me. There's a lot of good in the things I do and have done. I simply want to make sure I'm intentional in those things. Love more selflessly, be more graceful, lead with a fuller heart, foster healthier relationships.  I want to continue to do those things that I do that are beautiful and with God present and I also want to grow and learn new, selfless ways to love and lead.

I have a tendency to learn things about myself and then just feel really crappy about all the wrong ways I was doing things. I hold onto my sins and my mistakes as a declaration of reasons why I am "unloveable, undeserving, not good enough, etc..." I can continue to do that, or I could forgive myself as God forgives us and be steadfast in doing better. I could allow myself the same grace that God allows me and the same grace that I allow other people. That seems like a harder, but healthier and more productive option.

I saw this great quote once that said, "if we want to get someplace we've never been, we must be willing to do something we've never done." That might not be exactly how the saying goes but you get the idea. I say this often to my husband when we take intentional time to really grow together as a couple. I say this as I begin my "quit smoking journey" and my new "lifestyle/menu/eating journey." And now I'm saying this to myself on my "spiritual journey."

I am on a life-long journey and I am not defined only by my past. I am defined by what I choose to do with the things I learn and my willingness and ability to change and continuously be a better me than I was the day before. I know that I will stumble along the way. I want to be able to accept that and just keep going. I want to have the knowledge, ability, and courage to say "it's okay" and start all over again.

The "Goliath" in My Life

The story of David and Goliath is important because it reminds us that through God, all things are possible. David said to a taunting Goliath, "You come against me with the sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord...all those watching will know that the Lord saves." David then took a stone and slingshot and hit Goliath in the forehead and Goliath was a giant beaten by not a small, under-equipped man but by the man with God on his side.

Sometimes the Goliath in my life is an actual person. Someone that causes me to re-think the way I see things. Someone that I feel threatens the things that I hold dear to me. Someone who creates conflict in my space.

Sometimes, the Goliath in my life is my mental health. Sometimes, my physical health. Sometimes, I am my own Goliath through my thoughts and actions.

What I struggle sometimes to remember is that I am not alone in any battle that is for good. I have God and His grace and love save. They will cover me to go into the battle. Sometimes I too am like David and I am under-equipped and smaller than the giant that I must battle. In those times, I am not alone. It is not by my own actions that I will win the battle.

I'd do well to remember. I'm sure I'll forget again, maybe even later today but I'll know it and God will remind me and allow me to feel centered again. On a side note, when I imagine this Goliath  as a big mocking beast like person, it makes me smile. Especially when I know that the battle I fight is for good.

1-800-273-TALK(8255)

I woke up this morning to the very sad news that yet another high profile celebrity had completed suicide. This has been a hard week. May Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's souls find the peace in the afterlife that they could not find on this Earthly world. May their families find a peace in the sadness and the not knowing.

The AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) notes that on average, 123 people complete suicide a day. They further report that only 1 of every 25 attempts is successful. Keep in mind that these numbers are completely underreported and only accurate to the degree of what is known. This does not account for the amount of people who attempt suicide each day and do not succeed. This does not account for people who have completed suicide but done so in an untraceable way.

These numbers are on the rise. All reports show that the rate of suicide is going up. This is tragic. May all of those people find a peace that they could not find here. May people have the strength to talk about it. May we find a hope and peace for the future.

How do we find hope in those stats? I don't know.

I have attempted suicide multiple times. I have laid in bed and thought of ways to end my life; the when, where, how. I have begged for strength and courage to simple end the suffering and anxiety and depression. I have wished for that one bad diagnosis from the doctors that would mean an end to my life. I have thought the "if only" thoughts.

I get it. Life can be hard. Really hard. When you're fighting demons in your mind that tell you that you are worthless and stupid and not deserving of love. When someone you love hurts you to your very core. When the world seems to be spinning out of control with no sense of it stopping. When it feels like nothing is going right. Even when it feels like everything is going right but there is a sadness so deep within your soul that the brightness cannot find it.

Reach out. The National Suicide Prevention Line is 1-800-273-TALK(8255). It can be anonymous. Nobody has to know the dark, troubled thoughts in your mind if you don't want them to.

Reach out. Text me, call me, message me, Snapchat me. Day or night. I'm here. If I know you a little or if I know you a lot.

Reach out. Call a friend who can just be in your space with you. Someone who isn't demanding or has a need to 'fix' every situation. Or someone who does need to 'fix' everything.

Reach out. To a therapist. To a doctor.

Reach out. Post what you need to on social media. There are such beautiful scriptures, pictures, thoughts on social media. If you need to just get words out but don't know how or where to, do it there.

Share your story. Let people in. If for no other reason than to let someone else know that they are not alone.

You are NOT alone. I know that you feel like you are. You are NOT alone.

You are NOT worthless and undeserving of love and attention and peace. I know you feel like you are. You are NOT undeserving.

You are NOT the sum of what people make you feel like you are. Even when those people are the one's who should love you the most. You are NOT those things.

You are NOT the tapes that play in your head and you are NOT the things that depression and anxiety tell you that you are. I know those tapes play loudly. You are NOT those things.

As a survivor of someone who completed suicide, a club that I never asked to join, I can tell you that our lives make a difference to people. Your life means so much more to someone than maybe they've told you. Or maybe they've told you and you couldn't hear it or feel it because your mind wouldn't let you. Your life matters. Your heart matters. Your feelings matter. Your thoughts matter. You matter.

My life matters. My heart matters. My feelings matter. My thoughts matter. I matter.

God is Bigger than Anything That is Put in My Path

God is bigger than anything that is put in my path. Why do I have so much trouble remembering that? Why do I feel like I need constant reassurance that everything is, and is going to be, just fine. All things will be in His way. I trust in Him and I believe in Him. My anxiety that feeds my insecurities clearly do not feel the same way.

Sometimes it feels like no breath I take is big enough.

I read, and re-wrote, "God doesn't give you the answers while you're in the middle of the test." I know that. What I don't know is how much of it is a test. I feel like I've walked into History class feeling prepared for a test, only to find out that the test is in Algebra.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just barely treading water and that it'd be easier to just drown.

Sometimes it feels like God isn't hearing me and I'm sure that's because I'm not supposed to. I feel like I'm reaching for Him but not quite grasping it.

To be completely honest, I'm not patient. I want answers when I ask questions, I want to go when it's time to go, I want things done when I ask that they be done. Waiting for answers, healing, people in general, is not something I'm good with.

My husband tests my patience on an almost daily basis. Whether it be in his response to me, him slowly getting to the van, him not leaving when I think he should, his lack of timely responses to my texts and calls, you name it...he just pushes that button. It's not all his fault. A) My impatience is not his emergency and it shouldn't be; B) he's just a lot more laid back than I am; C) he is legit busy and works hard. Also, if we're being honest, my impatience probably feels a little bit like control.

I'm so clearly a work in progress. I know that I'm not easy to love or always easy to be with. I'm learning. I will keep praying, I will keep learning, I will keep growing.

What I've Recently Learned About Acceptance

Steve and I are working through "A Purpose Driven Life" by Pastor Rick Warren. We just finished day 7 and I will tell you, this book has been hard in some places. It has made me look at things in different ways but it has absolutely moved me to want to be a person who walks with purpose. It's absolutely making a great difference in my life already.

The definition of purpose: something set up as an object or an end to be attained; intention; resolution; determination. I want to live with intention. I want to live knowing that it's all for a greater cause, knowing that I'm not just getting through life but that I'm serving God and that there is a reason for it all. Maybe it will make the bad days not so bad and the good days that much better. Hopefully, it will make my relationships more sustainable and fulfilling. 

As we walk through life, and relationships, we have to accept a lot of things. I thought I was accepting of things before, but now I realize that I was simply surviving most of them. Putting life events in my tool belt and using them in ways that probably were pretty selfish. The "oh, well I've survived this, so that means I am this," or "I survived this so I get a pass on that," or "I've accepted this from you, so now you just have to deal with the consequences."  Which is probably why I've failed to find the peace in a lot of these things that I thought I was accepting.

That isn't acceptance. At least, it's not acceptance in the way that will grow you. It's not acceptance in the way that God accepts us. It's not acceptance in a selfless love. It's not accepting things for other people's growth and life but rather excusing behaviors of my own. 

Life is FULL of conflict. It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, or what you do, life is going to bring conflict. Some of it big and some of it small. God doesn't promise us that there will be no conflict. Pastor Warren says the key to finding peace in the conflict is through acceptance. He says, "In the world you are going to have problems. Peace of mind does not come from conflict free living. You can have peace of mind IN the conflict. Three things will bring you peace in conflict. 1) The choice of acceptance 2) The choice for trust 3) The choice for surrender."  

When you surrender to that conflict, you will find peace. When you surrender and accept that there are things that are going to happen that are out of your control, you will truly be able to find peace. When you surrender and accept that life isn't always going to go the way you thought it would, wanted it to, or felt that you deserved, you will find peace in those things and peace in life. How many times have I cried out, "God, why are you are letting this happen, why are you bringing this into my life, why?" Warren says, "by continuing to demand why, you are refusing to accept what is." He continues to say, "explanations do not always bring peace and that God is not going to give you the answers to the test while you are taking it." 

So this is what we're working on. It's not always easy, it's not always pretty, but it's important. I'm choosing to accept things that are hard, I'm choosing to accept the things that are easy to accept. I'm doing so with the purpose of living in Christ and with the purpose of finding peace within the conflict. 

Anxiety Sucks

After hitting my highest of weights, I finally agreed to see a specialist. We discussed a bunch of things and I will share that journey another time. He also recommended a new medication. Another doctor had recommended this medication and I refused. This doctor recommended it and I thought, "it'll be ok because I am better now. I won't let this medication impact my mental health. I'm not the same person I was before." I've been so good for about 3 years with minimal medication, because of minimal medication and God.

I took the medication a week later. About 2 weeks later, I noticed I seemed a little more anxious in the evening. I was told that could happen so I wasn't concerned. I never thought "oh, I don't like this and I need to go off."

While on our trip to NY, I had a PTSD triggering event. I was already anxious and that anxiety made that event seem way more than it was. When we got back, the anxiety just wouldn't end so then began the little sleep (because that's huge sign of anxiety for me). 

Then my hubby dropped a major bomb-shell on me (we are fine, this is life we're living), health concerns for some of the kids and me (we're fine) and then a doctor's appointment that showed some disturbingly high blood pressures. One doctor wanted me to go to the ER (I didn't), the two other doctors have me self-monitoring and only going if it become symptomatic. Also, stop taking that med. So now I'm withdrawing on top of all of that. 

Here's the thing about high blood-pressure. It's absolutely NOT possible to lower your blood-pressure by simply "trying to relax." At least not in my life because my life doesn't stop and my life is partially what causes the blood-pressure that's high. I keep trying, I keep praying, it just seems to get higher. I see the doctor next week. 

But this whole thing is about the anxiety. Anxiety tells me I'm not worthy, it tells me I'm not enough, it tells me I'm a bad person, it tells me that people don't love me. Anxiety sets me into a pattern of depression and suicide ideation (I'M FINE!) Anxiety lies. Depression lies. I am seemingly fine one moment and horrible the next. 

I had a rough start to the morning, well it was a good start and then I pushed and it became bad and I walked into work crying. I looked through some of my great motivational things and listened to a wonderful sermon by Rick Warren on acceptance. I felt renewed, refreshed. My hubby and I went to lunch. It was good. And then the anxiety kicked it and it just became overwhelming. We left, I kept trying to breathe and then my hubby didn't remember that he was bringing me to work (which we had talked about at lunch) and then couldn't make a decision and stick with it and I SCREAMED AT HIM. Screamed and cried (super ugly cried). 

Then I told him to divorce me because I'm insane, not because of anything else going on in our lives, not because of any bombshells, not because I don't love him...because I'm insane. (It's been a couple of hours and I haven't been served papers yet, I'm hoping he'll hold off.)

So yeah...this sucks. I DO know I'll be okay. I will cycle through this. This has been a humbling reminder of a) sticking to my guns and not going on new medications with any type of mental health side effects and b) I have been super good for 3ish years but I'm not cured, just better. 

I also know I'm needy, insecure, impatient, sensitive to what people say and don't say. I apologize. If you know me and love me, hold onto me please, be more patient and graceful with me, text me often even if I don't text back (but don't call because I probably won't answer that's often too overwhelming), know that my fb and twitter posts are sometimes in moments of weakness and panic and sometimes in attempts to ward off bigger attacks. I'll be back to myself soon. I'm working on it. I am trying. And I'm praying.