Tired #endthestigma

There are days that I just can't find the words to express how exhausting depression is. Everyone says that. I say that...people ask how I am and the answer is, "tired." Two of my daughters tell me that when I ask if they're ok, "yep, just tired mom." I understand that "tired."

It's not a lie. I am tired. Tired of fighting the battle within myself to get up in the morning. Tired of fighting the tapes that play over and over in my mind. Tired of the insomnia and anxiety that prevent me from really feeling like I'm getting any sleep at all. Tired of never feeling like quite enough. Tired of feeling as though I've failed so many people, so many times. Tired of trying to figure out what is real and what is just perception. Tired of "being strong" all of the time. Tired of feeling guilty for the things that I cannot change. Tired of feeling responsible for all the balls in the air. Tired of feeling guilty for feeling so crappy when I have so much to be thankful for.

I have said to a couple of people, "my soul is tired...so tired." I am so blessed. I am. I am aware of all that I have. I am aware of all of God's glory and mercy. Depression doesn't make me not realize how blessed I am. Depression doesn't make me not see how it could absolutely be so much worse. Depression doesn't make me not sympathetic to other's plights.
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Anxiety allows me to know how much worse it could be. Anxiety lets me feel all the worst-case scenarios that will most likely never happen in my life. Anxiety makes sure that while I'm so thankful that my children are safe, I know almost exactly what it would feel like to lose them because I'm have many moments where I just knew they were gone. (I'll have to try to explain that one sometime--although, if you have anxiety, you already understand it.)

My reason for sharing this...my goal...isn't for sympathy. It isn't to excuse my withdrawn behavior (that I try VERY hard to hide). It isn't to say "oh bother, poor me." It isn't to wave a flag drawing attention to myself and have people "check in" on my. It's to work towards ending the stigma. A friend (who is probably more of an acquaintance but I prefer friend), posted some really brave stuff about some things but also his depression. My daughter (beautiful and brave 15 year-old) tries to share her journey with depression and anxiety.

So my goal is to be more open and honest about my living with bi-polar, depression, anxiety, chronic pain and auto-immune disorders, parenting children with mental health journeys, being a wife who can never quite keep up with her husband because often I'm too self-absorbed in my own "madness" and sometimes I am just too worn out.

By sharing our stories, someone will feel less alone, someone may get help, someone may share their story.

Birthdays

To be honest, I wasn't positive we would be celebrating this birthday. I know that there were many times she wished that she weren't alive to celebrate it. There were so many times over the last couple of years that she just didn't want to live. She didn't really want to die all the time, she just didn't care if she lived, and sometimes she did things to try to prevent living.

She turned 15 a week ago and I was scared that we wouldn't make it to that day. I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate her here with us and not a heavenly birthday as we do each year for my sister; not a birthday in an institution either. She was able to be home with us. We were able to love on her and show her how happy we are that she is here with us. I may have even snuck in a birthday spanking.

The last couple of years have been scary as we've fought for her life. It still is some moments. We are on a journey that we don't have a very good GPS for. We pray that we will just travel safely and without too many detours. We are constantly on a detour with her. One we choose to take and one we will never stop taking, even if we have to hit a rest area every once in awhile.

I can't believe this girl is 15 already. The years go by so fast, even as they sometimes seem to drag while we're living them in the moments. G has taught me to take each day as a gift. G has taught me how to truly look at the blessings in all of the small things. G has taught me to count each small victory. G has taught me that when I think I know all that I can know, there's more to learn.