When you lose someone you love, you are left with a lot of questions. You are left with a lot of doubt. You are left with all the what ifs. You are left with a lot of why's.
The biggest question for me is always "did this person know how much I loved them?" "Did this person really love me?" "Did this person know how much they meant to me?" "Does this person have any idea how losing them would change life?"
I don't know the answers to those questions. I've lost grandparents, an aunt, babies taken to heaven too soon, friends, a sibling. I've lost people contact with people that I sometimes ask the same types of questions about. We all lose loved ones; I know I'm not alone in that.
Unanswered questions are a tough one for me. I like answers. I like things wrapped up neatly with little bows. Life is not about things being wrapped up neatly. Loss is not about little bows. Life and loss are about the unanswered parts. Life and loss are about not getting to know those things. It's about trying your hardest, and praying you succeeded, in letting the people you love know how much you love them.
I just looked up the lyrics to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks. That song truly does say it best. "Cause I've lost loved ones in the past, who never knew how much I loved them..." How true is that lyric? We've all lost people, for a multiple of reasons, and we have all wondered "did they know?"
It's hard to imagine that they did. It's hard to imagine that you really showed them every day how much they meant to you. Even if you did, and most of us do, you're left with that question. We don't ask people how they would feel if tomorrow never came. We don't ask them if they feel like they were loved enough by us. We don't ask them if they would doubt our love for them if we weren't there next day. We don't ask them if they would doubt what our love for them was.
We like to think that all the people we love will always be there. That's not realistic. We lose people. We lose people to death, through life taking different courses, through ended friendships. I don't live in an alternate universe. I know I will continue to lose people. I hope it's not for many years to come and I certainly hope it's me before my children.
Mostly, I hope that when that time comes, when my tomorrow never comes, they will know how much I loved them. I hope I will know how much they loved me when their tomorrow never comes.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
With Me
You walk with me every step I take. You are with me with every breath I take. You are with me in every decision I make. You are with me in everything I do. A moment does not go by that I don't miss you. You are with me in every move I make.
There is not a moment that I don't I wish you were here. There is not a moment that I think my life is better without you. I am not "stuck" in the loss of you, even though there are times that life is crippling without you. I have accepted that you are gone for now. I have accepted that your new place in my life is in my spirit.
Everything we had together, everything we did together, everything we meant to each other is still there for me. Everything I have felt for you is still there. Everything...the anger, the love, the disappointments, the laughter, the emotion. All of those things shape who I am today. All of those things shape who I will be tomorrow and the next day and the next.
I don't regret having you, even if it meant losing you. I understand that you were brought into my life to teach me things about myself and to teach me things about other people in life. I understand that losing you teaches me new things about myself and about other people in life. I regret no experience with you. I regret none of the good things because it has taught me to be who I am. I regret none of the bad things because it has taught me to appreciate all of the good.
I don't believe that you will ever not be with me. I believe that you will forever be in my spirit because you were a part of my life. I believe that some day we will be together again. In a different life, in life after death, in whatever becomes of us. I believe I will hold you and be held by you again. I believe that we will laugh together again. I believe that we will cry together again. I believe that our lives are not over together simply because we're not physically together anymore.
I believe that you are with me. Always and forever. I promised to always be there for you, and I am. Always and forever. You know where to find me and I know where to find you. Always and forever.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
To Each of My Children
When I write to each of my children, I am counting the ones that I was fortunate to give birth to and to the ones I have been blessed with by the gift my sister gave to me. Being given that gift has changed me. It has allowed me to know a different type of mother's love. It has taught me about sacrifice. It is absolutely possible to love children that I did not carry in me just as much as the ones I have. It's an amazing gift and I am honored to have each of my children in my life and to be given the ability to show them as much unconditional love as I can. I say these things to each of my children, whether they like me or not, whether they think that I love them or not, whether they live in our home or not.
So here goes...
To each of you, I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know and more than I can possibly say. I love you when I'm mad at you. I love you when you get bad grades. I love you when you don't like me. I love you when I'm disappointed in the choices you have made. I love you just as much when you do well. I love you just as much when you get good grades. I love you just as much when you say you love me and treat me with respect. I am honored to be your mom and I am honored to be "playing your mom during this show." (That one was for Ariez)
Loving you is not something I do lightly. I do it with every breath I take. I do it when I sleep and when I work and when I play. Loving you is something I do when I'm with you and when I'm not with you. Loving you is sometimes all I know how to do. Loving you is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed. Loving you has given me the strength to face my darkest demons.
I want for you the best that life has to give. I want you to reach your goals, no matter how big or small they may be. I will absolutely make mistakes. I will absolutely make decisions regarding what I think is best for you. I will do things that you disagree with. I will disagree with you, but I will respect you.
I love you enough to want to keep you safe. That means that I am tasked with making decisions about things that you think I have no right to decide. It means that I will protect you at all costs, even if that protection is from yourself. That means that you will not always like the decisions that I make. I will try to always protect you from people I believe are harmful to you. You will not always feel threatened by those people, which will make those choices harder for me to make, but I will still make those choices. I will do my best by you and I will do my best by Anitra when I make decisions. I will make decisions that my sister, your aunt and your mother, was not able to make.
I will pray about the choices I make. I will ask others for help in making choices that I can't make on my own. I will consult doctors and counselors and teachers and anyone else that I have to consult to make the best choices for your present and future.
You will come to a point in your childhood and early adulthood that you will think that you are old enough to make all decisions on your own. I will guide you in those choices. I will step in when I need to protect you from those choices. I will let you make mistakes in those decisions so that you will know how to make the right decision next time.
I will make choices that you do not like. I make them out of love for you even when you think otherwise.
I will ALWAYS be here for you, even when you don't think you need me and even when you don't want me to be. I will ALWAYS love you, even when you don't think you deserve it and even when you think you don't need it.
I promise to you that there is nothing you can do that will make me not love you. I promise to you that there is nothing you can say or do to me that will make me love you less. I promise to you that I do not love any one of you more than the other. I promise to you that there is nothing in this life that we cannot get through together. I promise to you that there is no problem that would make me turn my back on you.
I love you all. I pray that you will feel that love from me in your darkest hours.I pray that you will feel that love if you are in the same room or in a different state. I pray that you wherever you are, you will feel and know the love that I have for you. I pray that you will, in time, learn that the decisions that I make and that I will have to make in the future, come from my love for you.
So here goes...
To each of you, I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know and more than I can possibly say. I love you when I'm mad at you. I love you when you get bad grades. I love you when you don't like me. I love you when I'm disappointed in the choices you have made. I love you just as much when you do well. I love you just as much when you get good grades. I love you just as much when you say you love me and treat me with respect. I am honored to be your mom and I am honored to be "playing your mom during this show." (That one was for Ariez)
Loving you is not something I do lightly. I do it with every breath I take. I do it when I sleep and when I work and when I play. Loving you is something I do when I'm with you and when I'm not with you. Loving you is sometimes all I know how to do. Loving you is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed. Loving you has given me the strength to face my darkest demons.
I want for you the best that life has to give. I want you to reach your goals, no matter how big or small they may be. I will absolutely make mistakes. I will absolutely make decisions regarding what I think is best for you. I will do things that you disagree with. I will disagree with you, but I will respect you.
I love you enough to want to keep you safe. That means that I am tasked with making decisions about things that you think I have no right to decide. It means that I will protect you at all costs, even if that protection is from yourself. That means that you will not always like the decisions that I make. I will try to always protect you from people I believe are harmful to you. You will not always feel threatened by those people, which will make those choices harder for me to make, but I will still make those choices. I will do my best by you and I will do my best by Anitra when I make decisions. I will make decisions that my sister, your aunt and your mother, was not able to make.
I will pray about the choices I make. I will ask others for help in making choices that I can't make on my own. I will consult doctors and counselors and teachers and anyone else that I have to consult to make the best choices for your present and future.
You will come to a point in your childhood and early adulthood that you will think that you are old enough to make all decisions on your own. I will guide you in those choices. I will step in when I need to protect you from those choices. I will let you make mistakes in those decisions so that you will know how to make the right decision next time.
I will make choices that you do not like. I make them out of love for you even when you think otherwise.
I will ALWAYS be here for you, even when you don't think you need me and even when you don't want me to be. I will ALWAYS love you, even when you don't think you deserve it and even when you think you don't need it.
I promise to you that there is nothing you can do that will make me not love you. I promise to you that there is nothing you can say or do to me that will make me love you less. I promise to you that I do not love any one of you more than the other. I promise to you that there is nothing in this life that we cannot get through together. I promise to you that there is no problem that would make me turn my back on you.
I love you all. I pray that you will feel that love from me in your darkest hours.I pray that you will feel that love if you are in the same room or in a different state. I pray that you wherever you are, you will feel and know the love that I have for you. I pray that you will, in time, learn that the decisions that I make and that I will have to make in the future, come from my love for you.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Overwhelming
There are moments when it all simply, and not so simply, becomes just terrifyingly overwhelming. These moments are usually brought on by pure exhaustion or the lack of organization. It becomes increasingly hard to breathe, there is no chance that a real, clear thought can become clear, the words do not come out right or I simply can't find the words.
These moments are not as rare as I'd like them to be. These moments seem to come crashing down on an already stressful situation. These moments hit when the kids are loud and 'just being kids'. These moments hit when I've just hit the brink of my mental capacity to deal with anymore. These moments come out of nowhere, and yet I can remember them build and build throughout the day. These moments have little to do with the fact that Anitra has died. These moments have more to do with the noise and chaos of everyday life. When the laundry becomes too much because we've allowed it to get out of control, when the house is a mess because people have stopped picking up after themselves, and we've stopped telling them to pick their stuff up. They hit when I've repeated myself for the 20th time in less than 24 hours.
They hit when I'm anxious about the next day. I seem to have a lot of these moments on Sunday night or during the holidays. I have had some big moments like these the last couple of weeks. I'm relieved that the holidays are over but saddened still that Anitra was not with us for them. There are so many emotions with each new experience that we live without her. So much of this is so bittersweet.
Other times, I can't, or won't try, to understand the root of these moments. School is about to start up again. I'm reminded, by the mess and the laundry, that I did not have or help the kids accomplish the things I wanted to during the break. Rooms did not magically get organized, the laundry room did not magically get straightened up and organized. The chore charts did not magically get attended to. The list goes on...
Right now, the simple thought of sleeping seems terrifying because it means tomorrow morning will be here before I know it and it'll be time to start all over again. There will be long lists of things that I do not get to cross off of my to-do list at work. There will be fights about who wants to go to Scouts and who doesn't. I'll confess on that one. I know how important their activities are but truthfully, the last thing I want to do is quickly get home from work to feed the kids (quickly) to rush them out the door and attend meetings with them and then come home and rush to get snacks in and showers done and get ready for bed. There will be the usual repetition of "I said BRUSH YOUR TEETH." There will be the usual flurry of " who took a shower first LAST night?" Let's not forget the "I said GO TO BED! I will be there in a minute to tuck you in."
What I do in these moments isn't something I'm proud of. More often then not I yell and I cry. I contemplate giving up entirely, though I'm not even really sure what that means. The kids will still need to be attended to and I will still be expected to show up for life. Neither of these things are very productive. They don't solve the problem or make me feel any better. Usually, they just make me feel worse about the situation and feeling guilty about even thinking about giving up because giving up certainly doesn't effect just me. This all leads to more feelings of failure and being more overwhelmed.
Being overwhelmed is a vicious circle.
It's a slippery slope, this thing called life.
These moments are not as rare as I'd like them to be. These moments seem to come crashing down on an already stressful situation. These moments hit when the kids are loud and 'just being kids'. These moments hit when I've just hit the brink of my mental capacity to deal with anymore. These moments come out of nowhere, and yet I can remember them build and build throughout the day. These moments have little to do with the fact that Anitra has died. These moments have more to do with the noise and chaos of everyday life. When the laundry becomes too much because we've allowed it to get out of control, when the house is a mess because people have stopped picking up after themselves, and we've stopped telling them to pick their stuff up. They hit when I've repeated myself for the 20th time in less than 24 hours.
They hit when I'm anxious about the next day. I seem to have a lot of these moments on Sunday night or during the holidays. I have had some big moments like these the last couple of weeks. I'm relieved that the holidays are over but saddened still that Anitra was not with us for them. There are so many emotions with each new experience that we live without her. So much of this is so bittersweet.
Other times, I can't, or won't try, to understand the root of these moments. School is about to start up again. I'm reminded, by the mess and the laundry, that I did not have or help the kids accomplish the things I wanted to during the break. Rooms did not magically get organized, the laundry room did not magically get straightened up and organized. The chore charts did not magically get attended to. The list goes on...
Right now, the simple thought of sleeping seems terrifying because it means tomorrow morning will be here before I know it and it'll be time to start all over again. There will be long lists of things that I do not get to cross off of my to-do list at work. There will be fights about who wants to go to Scouts and who doesn't. I'll confess on that one. I know how important their activities are but truthfully, the last thing I want to do is quickly get home from work to feed the kids (quickly) to rush them out the door and attend meetings with them and then come home and rush to get snacks in and showers done and get ready for bed. There will be the usual repetition of "I said BRUSH YOUR TEETH." There will be the usual flurry of " who took a shower first LAST night?" Let's not forget the "I said GO TO BED! I will be there in a minute to tuck you in."
What I do in these moments isn't something I'm proud of. More often then not I yell and I cry. I contemplate giving up entirely, though I'm not even really sure what that means. The kids will still need to be attended to and I will still be expected to show up for life. Neither of these things are very productive. They don't solve the problem or make me feel any better. Usually, they just make me feel worse about the situation and feeling guilty about even thinking about giving up because giving up certainly doesn't effect just me. This all leads to more feelings of failure and being more overwhelmed.
Being overwhelmed is a vicious circle.
It's a slippery slope, this thing called life.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Days of the Week
Thursdays used to be my favorite day of the week. There's the anticipation of Friday coming but no stress of "oh crap I have all of this stuff to do before I leave for the weekend." I still try to enjoy Thursdays but I am often reminded (by my own mind) that my sister died on a Thursday.
For some reason, Mondays seem to be my tough "Anitra Day" instead of Thursday. I know her memorial service was on a Monday so maybe that it's it. Or maybe it's just because I've spent the weekend with the kids and have held on to my sanity as long as possible and I'm reminded, again, that she's no longer here to participate in all of the things we do on the weekend. I get to spend all this amazing time with the kids on the weekends. Not that they don't, quite often, drive me nuts, but I do feel fortunate to have that time with them. Just enough for all of us! I so could not be a stay at home mom! My hat is off to all of my friends that are because I think it takes a really special mom to be able to be with your children for that amount of time without losing your mind.
Anyway...the whole point of all of this is that Friday night is my absolutely favorite time of the week. I don't have to feel bad about choosing to lounge around in pajama pants because I've worked all day. I don't have to feel bad about feeding the kids pizza for dinner because hey, it's Friday! I can stay up late and watch all my favorite shows because I don't have to work the next day. I can be free and let the kids run and stay up late because hey, it's Friday!
I wish my husband were home on Friday nights to hang out with the laid back me! I seldom lose my temper on a Friday night because I don't have a schedule and activities looming over me. The noise level from the children doesn't seem to bother me as much. They run and play and laugh and act crazy and I'm totally good with that...on Fridays. It's ok with me if they forget to brush their teeth (I really do try to remind them but honestly, on Fridays, I'm not very good about checking to make sure they did). I let them sleep wherever they land, mostly the living room, on Friday nights because hey, it's Friday and I can! I will confess that I let the younger girls sleep with me on Friday nights. They take up less room than Steve, AND they don't snore quite as loud as he does. Usually, whichever child is feeling a little invisible snuggles up with me while I hang out on the couch.
Saturdays, I feel like I should be more productive. I feel like I should take the kids out and do things. We also usually have some activity on Saturday. We have Brownies or Daisies or Boy Scouts. The kids go to grandma and grandpa sometimes. That's nice too so that I have a little more one on one or two on one OR three on one!
Sundays are reserved for cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, getting ready for school the following day. Sundays are reserved for being stressed about all the things I need to do for the week. Who has Scouts? Who has a doctors appointment? Who has a school event? I like the routine on Sundays of trying to get organized for the week. We try to always make a family dinner on Sunday night before Steve leaves for work. It's a chaotic dinner, as is dinner every night but Friday, but I love it. I love the calmness in the house on Sunday night after showers have been taken, teeth have been brushed, clothes have been set out, and the children are FINALLY in bed sleeping. Steve is gone on Sunday nights and I can just take a deep breath and enjoy the calm before the storm of Monday morning.
I'm a girl who thrives on routine, schedules, and lists. I like organization, not that I have much of that anymore, but still...I certainly couldn't live the excitement of Friday nights every day of the week. I rely on the routine of our lives to direct me where I need to go. I am not a person who likes change. I like to know what I'm going to be doing and where I'm going to be doing it and when I'm going to be doing it. Friday nights allow me a chance to escape all of that. Friday nights allow me to just be. I love my Friday nights and I love the ability to just breathe and absorb all the craziness around me. They are a chance for me let my hair down and be content in not having a plan or schedule. I love the peacefulness of Friday nights.
For some reason, Mondays seem to be my tough "Anitra Day" instead of Thursday. I know her memorial service was on a Monday so maybe that it's it. Or maybe it's just because I've spent the weekend with the kids and have held on to my sanity as long as possible and I'm reminded, again, that she's no longer here to participate in all of the things we do on the weekend. I get to spend all this amazing time with the kids on the weekends. Not that they don't, quite often, drive me nuts, but I do feel fortunate to have that time with them. Just enough for all of us! I so could not be a stay at home mom! My hat is off to all of my friends that are because I think it takes a really special mom to be able to be with your children for that amount of time without losing your mind.
Anyway...the whole point of all of this is that Friday night is my absolutely favorite time of the week. I don't have to feel bad about choosing to lounge around in pajama pants because I've worked all day. I don't have to feel bad about feeding the kids pizza for dinner because hey, it's Friday! I can stay up late and watch all my favorite shows because I don't have to work the next day. I can be free and let the kids run and stay up late because hey, it's Friday!
I wish my husband were home on Friday nights to hang out with the laid back me! I seldom lose my temper on a Friday night because I don't have a schedule and activities looming over me. The noise level from the children doesn't seem to bother me as much. They run and play and laugh and act crazy and I'm totally good with that...on Fridays. It's ok with me if they forget to brush their teeth (I really do try to remind them but honestly, on Fridays, I'm not very good about checking to make sure they did). I let them sleep wherever they land, mostly the living room, on Friday nights because hey, it's Friday and I can! I will confess that I let the younger girls sleep with me on Friday nights. They take up less room than Steve, AND they don't snore quite as loud as he does. Usually, whichever child is feeling a little invisible snuggles up with me while I hang out on the couch.
Saturdays, I feel like I should be more productive. I feel like I should take the kids out and do things. We also usually have some activity on Saturday. We have Brownies or Daisies or Boy Scouts. The kids go to grandma and grandpa sometimes. That's nice too so that I have a little more one on one or two on one OR three on one!
Sundays are reserved for cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, getting ready for school the following day. Sundays are reserved for being stressed about all the things I need to do for the week. Who has Scouts? Who has a doctors appointment? Who has a school event? I like the routine on Sundays of trying to get organized for the week. We try to always make a family dinner on Sunday night before Steve leaves for work. It's a chaotic dinner, as is dinner every night but Friday, but I love it. I love the calmness in the house on Sunday night after showers have been taken, teeth have been brushed, clothes have been set out, and the children are FINALLY in bed sleeping. Steve is gone on Sunday nights and I can just take a deep breath and enjoy the calm before the storm of Monday morning.
I'm a girl who thrives on routine, schedules, and lists. I like organization, not that I have much of that anymore, but still...I certainly couldn't live the excitement of Friday nights every day of the week. I rely on the routine of our lives to direct me where I need to go. I am not a person who likes change. I like to know what I'm going to be doing and where I'm going to be doing it and when I'm going to be doing it. Friday nights allow me a chance to escape all of that. Friday nights allow me to just be. I love my Friday nights and I love the ability to just breathe and absorb all the craziness around me. They are a chance for me let my hair down and be content in not having a plan or schedule. I love the peacefulness of Friday nights.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The 1st day of 2013
Let me start by saying that I was not excited about 2013 starting without my sister. I did not want 2012 to end because it felt like we were leaving that in the past and she will never be in the past. Anitra will always live in the present and future inside all of us in everything we do. I know this and still it seemed like an awful thing to happen. New Year's is supposed to be about new beginnings and all that jazz. I don't want a new beginning without her. I've struggled with this day looming for a couple of days.
God has a funny way of reminding me that there will forever be bigger things to do then simply miss my sister. Not that missing her is anything simple. The new year started with a bang at 12:45 am and my care taker role was much needed. Every time I feel like I'm just to allow myself a day of non-existence and hide in my room, I am needed by something greater than me. That situation ended fine with everyone being safe and warm and right where they needed to be at the time.
NEXT drama!! (There is always some!) Rey has troubles keeping her hands off of things that aren't hers. She's 6 so that's totally to be expecting. Unfortunately what she decided she had to have her hands on today was Tai's phone.
Eleven and half hours later, we still do not know where the phone is. Rey has changed stories so many times today that even I'm lost as to when she saw it, when she had, and where she may have taken it. All I know is that we have turned the house completely upside and we still have no phone. We have checked the cars, the outside, the trash, every room, every couch, every drawer. The phone is not to be found. Rey couldn't just misplace the phone, she also had to turn it off so we cannot use locator services or call it to hear it ring.
Tai has actually handled the situation much better than I thought she would. She's been frustrated to say the least but she has not freaked out. She has not yelled, cried, or stomped. I am really proud of her. I have not acted quite as well as she has. No big surprise there. I have yelled, cried, AND stomped to no avail. We cannot find the phone.
On the plus side, I did vacuum the innards of all of my furniture and swept behind and under all the couches and chairs. So at least 2013 has started with clean floors.
So, while it wasn't the day that I anticipated having, it was much more productive and I was reminded that life will in fact go on. I'm sure Anitra is getting a little laugh out of this one, as she and others were constantly misplacing her things.
God has a funny way of reminding me that there will forever be bigger things to do then simply miss my sister. Not that missing her is anything simple. The new year started with a bang at 12:45 am and my care taker role was much needed. Every time I feel like I'm just to allow myself a day of non-existence and hide in my room, I am needed by something greater than me. That situation ended fine with everyone being safe and warm and right where they needed to be at the time.
NEXT drama!! (There is always some!) Rey has troubles keeping her hands off of things that aren't hers. She's 6 so that's totally to be expecting. Unfortunately what she decided she had to have her hands on today was Tai's phone.
Eleven and half hours later, we still do not know where the phone is. Rey has changed stories so many times today that even I'm lost as to when she saw it, when she had, and where she may have taken it. All I know is that we have turned the house completely upside and we still have no phone. We have checked the cars, the outside, the trash, every room, every couch, every drawer. The phone is not to be found. Rey couldn't just misplace the phone, she also had to turn it off so we cannot use locator services or call it to hear it ring.
Tai has actually handled the situation much better than I thought she would. She's been frustrated to say the least but she has not freaked out. She has not yelled, cried, or stomped. I am really proud of her. I have not acted quite as well as she has. No big surprise there. I have yelled, cried, AND stomped to no avail. We cannot find the phone.
On the plus side, I did vacuum the innards of all of my furniture and swept behind and under all the couches and chairs. So at least 2013 has started with clean floors.
So, while it wasn't the day that I anticipated having, it was much more productive and I was reminded that life will in fact go on. I'm sure Anitra is getting a little laugh out of this one, as she and others were constantly misplacing her things.
A little backstory...
I'm going to start with a very brief back story. I'll try to keep this short.
On Sept. 13, 2012 my best friend, my 2nd oldest sister took her own life. Anitra had been mentally ill for a very long time. She had attempted suicide many times in the past and she had just left the mental health hospital the day before she completed suicide. There is so much to go with that story that I could simply blog about that. I'm sure I will go into pieces of that more in future posts.
My friend had some very wise words to say about this suicide. Lee David told me that he had never understood suicide before Anitra's passing. He said that he always viewed it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When Anitra took her life, he said it finally made sense. At least in this case. He said her troubles weren't temporary. A huge part of me completely agrees with this. I believe, and hope I always do, that her decision to end her life was the most peaceful decision she had been able to make in a very long time. I believe that she was finally at peace and was no longer scared, worried, or manic.
For now, Anitra's story is not the intent of this journey. Our life now is the intent of this written journey. My sister left behind 3 beautiful children, ages 16, 12, and 6. They do not have real fathers in their lives and my sister had always felt very strongly that if she couldn't care for them, she wanted my husband and I too. We look at these children as a gift. These children, with all their "luggage" are the most amazing gifts that my sister had to give and she bestowed us with them. I will forever be grateful for that act. My 16 year old niece lives with my mother and step-father while the other two children live with us. Rythm will always be a part of our family but for the time being has decided not to live in the chaos of our home.
Steve and I have 3 biological children. My 15 year old from a previous marriage and a 12 year old, and a 9 year old.
One thing grief, and parenting 5 children, has taught me is to be more patient with myself. I have lost a lot of focus, short-term memory, and everyday things that I totally took for granted. Writing about our daily life will hopefully allow me to retain some of the feelings and memories that we are living through everyday. To be honest, I also find a huge sense of relief in getting stuff out there without having to talk about how I'm feeling.
If you are taking the time read this, I thank you. It's certainly not anything grand or special but it's our life and how we survive each new day.
On Sept. 13, 2012 my best friend, my 2nd oldest sister took her own life. Anitra had been mentally ill for a very long time. She had attempted suicide many times in the past and she had just left the mental health hospital the day before she completed suicide. There is so much to go with that story that I could simply blog about that. I'm sure I will go into pieces of that more in future posts.
My friend had some very wise words to say about this suicide. Lee David told me that he had never understood suicide before Anitra's passing. He said that he always viewed it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When Anitra took her life, he said it finally made sense. At least in this case. He said her troubles weren't temporary. A huge part of me completely agrees with this. I believe, and hope I always do, that her decision to end her life was the most peaceful decision she had been able to make in a very long time. I believe that she was finally at peace and was no longer scared, worried, or manic.
For now, Anitra's story is not the intent of this journey. Our life now is the intent of this written journey. My sister left behind 3 beautiful children, ages 16, 12, and 6. They do not have real fathers in their lives and my sister had always felt very strongly that if she couldn't care for them, she wanted my husband and I too. We look at these children as a gift. These children, with all their "luggage" are the most amazing gifts that my sister had to give and she bestowed us with them. I will forever be grateful for that act. My 16 year old niece lives with my mother and step-father while the other two children live with us. Rythm will always be a part of our family but for the time being has decided not to live in the chaos of our home.
Steve and I have 3 biological children. My 15 year old from a previous marriage and a 12 year old, and a 9 year old.
One thing grief, and parenting 5 children, has taught me is to be more patient with myself. I have lost a lot of focus, short-term memory, and everyday things that I totally took for granted. Writing about our daily life will hopefully allow me to retain some of the feelings and memories that we are living through everyday. To be honest, I also find a huge sense of relief in getting stuff out there without having to talk about how I'm feeling.
If you are taking the time read this, I thank you. It's certainly not anything grand or special but it's our life and how we survive each new day.
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