It's a weird day.
It's Friday the 13th, which means nothing to me except my husband says those are the luckiest days of the year. :)
I recognized at 8:30 this morning that while I was dropping of Rileigh at school, that 7 years ago I was hearing her voice for the last time ever. Did I miss something? I don't think so. She sounded ok. Not great, she'd just gotten out of the hospital the day before, but not alarming. Nothing that made me concerned that it might be the last time I ever heard her live voice. "Call me if you need anything. I love you sissy." "Ok, I love you too sissy."
I recognized at 12:30 this afternoon that 7 years ago today she was officially deceased. We wouldn't know for another 4 hours but the police said she died between 8:30 a.m. and 12:00 p.m.
I'm not more sad today then I am any other time that I miss her. Then I feel guilty for that because maybe I'm supposed to be? I'm not more aware of her being gone today then I am other days. It's another day that she is not here with us.
I am so grateful that she is at peace. I am also thankful for our family, the big messy chaos of becoming a family with 6 kids instead of 3. I'm thankful for them all. I'm aware of the fact that had this day not happened 7 years ago, we wouldn't be that same family. I'm not more aware of that today then I am any other day.
That doesn't mean I don't value the significance of this day. I recognize that it might be a harder day for some other people. I want everyone to feel exactly how they need to feel today but am also hopeful that they recognize that today is a day. Tomorrow will be a new day of feelings and processing.
There's no real point to this post other than to say that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel so I feel weird.
Love to all - me
