Overwhelming

There are moments when it all simply, and not so simply, becomes just terrifyingly overwhelming. These moments are usually brought on by pure exhaustion or the lack of organization. It becomes increasingly hard to breathe, there is no chance that a real, clear thought can become clear, the words do not come out right or I simply can't find the words.

These moments are not as rare as I'd like them to be. These moments seem to come crashing down on an already stressful situation. These moments hit when the kids are loud and 'just being kids'. These moments hit when I've just hit the brink of my mental capacity to deal with anymore. These moments come out of nowhere, and yet I can remember them build and build throughout the day. These moments have little to do with the fact that Anitra has died. These moments have more to do with the noise and chaos of everyday life. When the laundry becomes too much because we've allowed it to get out of control, when the house is a mess because people have stopped picking up after themselves, and we've stopped telling them to pick their stuff up. They hit when I've repeated myself for the 20th time in less than 24 hours.

They hit when I'm anxious about the next day. I seem to have a lot of these moments on Sunday night or during the holidays. I have had some big moments like these the last couple of weeks. I'm relieved that the holidays are over but saddened still that Anitra was not with us for them. There are so many emotions with each new experience that we live without her. So much of this is so bittersweet.

Other times, I can't, or won't try, to understand the root of these moments. School is about to start up again. I'm reminded, by the mess and the laundry, that I did not have or help the kids accomplish the things I wanted to during the break. Rooms did not magically get organized, the laundry room did not magically get straightened up and organized. The chore charts did not magically get attended to. The list goes on...

Right now, the simple thought of sleeping seems terrifying because it means tomorrow morning will be here before I know it and it'll be time to start all over again. There will be long lists of things that I do not get to cross off of my to-do list at work. There will be fights about who wants to go to Scouts and who doesn't. I'll confess on that one. I know how important their activities are but truthfully, the last thing I want to do is quickly get home from work to feed the kids (quickly) to rush them out the door and attend meetings with them and then come home and rush to get snacks in and showers done and get ready for bed. There will be the usual repetition of "I said BRUSH YOUR TEETH." There will be the usual flurry of " who took a shower first LAST night?" Let's not forget the "I said GO TO BED! I will be there in a minute to tuck you in."

What I do in these moments isn't something I'm proud of. More often then not I yell and I cry. I contemplate giving up entirely, though I'm not even really sure what that means. The kids will still need to be attended to and I will still be expected to show up for life. Neither of these things are very productive. They don't solve the problem or make me feel any better. Usually, they just make me feel worse about the situation and feeling guilty about even thinking about giving up because giving up certainly doesn't effect just me. This all leads to more feelings of failure and being more overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed is a vicious circle.

It's a slippery slope, this thing called life.