The thought, "4 down, 2 to go" keeps popping into my head. It's an exciting feeling but also a little sad.
Trey moved into his own apartment last weekend. His pediatrician also called and asked if he was going to continue to see her for another year or if he would like to transition to adult medicine. Considering he is 6'7" and 19, he's opted for adult medicine. They wouldn't even allow me to make that call by the way. He's 19 now so he has to do it himself.
Ariez got called up for jury duty. He couldn't do it because he's away at school but still, when did he get old enough that he could be called for jury duty?
The current status of our children:
23 with a child and living out of state (WE ARE FREAKING GRANDPARENTS!)
22 living in their own place with a significant other
19 living out of town going to trade school
19 living in their own place
16 living at home but very self-dependent while driving their own vehicle
13 living at home getting ready to make decisions on where to go to high school
I am learning how to cook for 4 people instead of 8 or 9. This may or may not be going very well but let me just say that if you ever need something to eat, I'm sure I have leftovers in my fridge. We will be downsizing by moving into a much smaller home. The need for a 5 bedroom home is a thing of the past. This past Valentine's Day, we double-dated with Tai and Jake instead of making heart-shaped pizzas at home with the kids.
We've entered a brand new season of our lives and I'm not really sure when it happened. It doesn't seem so long ago that I was making arrangements for a babysitter for Spring Break. It wasn't that long ago that we made a college visit trip for Spring Break.
It's not a bad season. Mostly it's kind of cool because in theory, I have more free time (I'm still looking for that). It's just a season and I needed to take a minute to acknowledge it for what it is.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Monday, February 24, 2020
When Society Catches UP
I recently read an article stating that the Merriam-Webster dictionary's word of the year for 2019 is "they." Merriam-Webster also recently added a new definition of the word to include the use of "they" as a non-binary person.
The American Psychological Association also recently endorsed the use of "they" as a "singular third-person pronoun." The APA states, "we believe writers should try to use a person's self-identified pronoun whenever feasible." I agree! It costs me nothing to be respectful. It's exactly the same as calling me "sir" when I clearly don't identify as a male. Oddly enough, my husband's professor for his master's in counseling has told his students that the papers they turn in cannot use they as a pronoun. That's frustrating to me. Since the APA has made their statement, the professor's terms seem like a personal decision to me.
A representative for GLAAD said, "Merriam-Webster's choice is a positive step in acknowledging non-binary people." I would absolutely agree. The more we use the word, the less uncomfortable it feels.
I told many people, my non-binary child included, that one of the hardest parts of using "they" when referring to them is that it's not grammatically correct. The more I use it to define my child, the easier it becomes. I am not perfect but I absolutely try my hardest to use my child's preferred pronouns; anyone's preferred pronouns. I will get there!
Merriam-Webster cites a number of reason for the look-up of the word (which is what makes it win as Word of the Year). From fashion runways to political speeches, more and more people are calling attention to non-conforming genders and the results are that more and more people are trying to accept and respect a person's identity.
Someone said to me, "I don't understand it." You don't have to. I can try to explain it to you to the best of my knowledge but all anyone is really asking you to do is respect them. I hope that the more it's talked about it, the more we become comfortable with the language, the more people will "understand" it. I don't think you have to "understand" it to be respectful.
My name is Sam and I identify as she/her. It would be disrespectful to call me Bob and he/him. The use of they is exactly the same.
The American Psychological Association also recently endorsed the use of "they" as a "singular third-person pronoun." The APA states, "we believe writers should try to use a person's self-identified pronoun whenever feasible." I agree! It costs me nothing to be respectful. It's exactly the same as calling me "sir" when I clearly don't identify as a male. Oddly enough, my husband's professor for his master's in counseling has told his students that the papers they turn in cannot use they as a pronoun. That's frustrating to me. Since the APA has made their statement, the professor's terms seem like a personal decision to me.
A representative for GLAAD said, "Merriam-Webster's choice is a positive step in acknowledging non-binary people." I would absolutely agree. The more we use the word, the less uncomfortable it feels.
I told many people, my non-binary child included, that one of the hardest parts of using "they" when referring to them is that it's not grammatically correct. The more I use it to define my child, the easier it becomes. I am not perfect but I absolutely try my hardest to use my child's preferred pronouns; anyone's preferred pronouns. I will get there!
Merriam-Webster cites a number of reason for the look-up of the word (which is what makes it win as Word of the Year). From fashion runways to political speeches, more and more people are calling attention to non-conforming genders and the results are that more and more people are trying to accept and respect a person's identity.
Someone said to me, "I don't understand it." You don't have to. I can try to explain it to you to the best of my knowledge but all anyone is really asking you to do is respect them. I hope that the more it's talked about it, the more we become comfortable with the language, the more people will "understand" it. I don't think you have to "understand" it to be respectful.
My name is Sam and I identify as she/her. It would be disrespectful to call me Bob and he/him. The use of they is exactly the same.
Friday, February 14, 2020
Human Grief
First, let me be clear that I 100% feel for the Bryant family and friends. This post has nothing to do with them. This post is about how honoring someone's life and public (and private) grief can look very different for people who are impacted differently by a person.
Why can't we, as a society, talk about the really great things about someone AND still acknowledge the really shitty things about them too? I kind of understand it. It feels disloyal to their memory and to the love you feel for them when you talk about the bad.
Kobe Bryant was a phenomenal basketball player. I believe that he was probably a great dad. Kobe Bryant was accused of rape. Kobe's team ruined that accuser's reputation, privacy, peace and accusations. Scorched her so badly that she refused to testify against him in a court of law. Victim shaming at it's loudest. Once she refused to testify, the DA dropped the charges because they weren't going to win a trial without victim testimony. Kobe Bryant later settled out of court with this woman.
Martin Luther King, Jr. moved the nation towards racial equality. He did so much to empower so many. He showed up and taught love when people were there to hate. He also was a serial cheater.
Thomas Jefferson did some pretty great things for the USA. He also owned hundreds of slaves.
Bill Cosby paved the way for a lot of African American actors. He also drugged and raped women.
My sister had this incredible heart for her friends and could make a room laugh just by laughing herself. She also abused and neglected her children. We have such amazing memories of her but some of us have the bad stuff to remember too.
Anytime we meet with counselor's regarding some of my children, it feels like I'm bad mouthing my sister. A person that I love with every part of my being. Not being able to admit the bad would be an incredible disservice to my children. Pretending those crappy things did not happen would be minimizing the impact of those actions.
So we have to be real. We have to know that what we see of someone, or the best parts of someone, isn't all they are or were to other people. I get that it's conflicting. I get it's ugly and hard and doesn't feel good.
I also know that my kids need to know what they experienced was real. They need to know that we hear them. We need to know that we see their trauma. We need them to know that it's okay to be sad that she's gone but recognize safety in that fact as well.
Human grief is hard. It's complex. It's different for every single person, even when you're grieving the same person.
Why can't we, as a society, talk about the really great things about someone AND still acknowledge the really shitty things about them too? I kind of understand it. It feels disloyal to their memory and to the love you feel for them when you talk about the bad.
Kobe Bryant was a phenomenal basketball player. I believe that he was probably a great dad. Kobe Bryant was accused of rape. Kobe's team ruined that accuser's reputation, privacy, peace and accusations. Scorched her so badly that she refused to testify against him in a court of law. Victim shaming at it's loudest. Once she refused to testify, the DA dropped the charges because they weren't going to win a trial without victim testimony. Kobe Bryant later settled out of court with this woman.
Martin Luther King, Jr. moved the nation towards racial equality. He did so much to empower so many. He showed up and taught love when people were there to hate. He also was a serial cheater.
Thomas Jefferson did some pretty great things for the USA. He also owned hundreds of slaves.
Bill Cosby paved the way for a lot of African American actors. He also drugged and raped women.
My sister had this incredible heart for her friends and could make a room laugh just by laughing herself. She also abused and neglected her children. We have such amazing memories of her but some of us have the bad stuff to remember too.
Anytime we meet with counselor's regarding some of my children, it feels like I'm bad mouthing my sister. A person that I love with every part of my being. Not being able to admit the bad would be an incredible disservice to my children. Pretending those crappy things did not happen would be minimizing the impact of those actions.
So we have to be real. We have to know that what we see of someone, or the best parts of someone, isn't all they are or were to other people. I get that it's conflicting. I get it's ugly and hard and doesn't feel good.
I also know that my kids need to know what they experienced was real. They need to know that we hear them. We need to know that we see their trauma. We need them to know that it's okay to be sad that she's gone but recognize safety in that fact as well.
Human grief is hard. It's complex. It's different for every single person, even when you're grieving the same person.
What An Almost Month
Wed. January 22, 2020 at 7:15 I checked into AMI for my routine breast MRI. I was planning on going alone but I mistakenly told the nurse that I was going to take a xanax for the clautrophobia. She said I would need a driver. Turns out I needed that driver. The MRI itself was fine but when I got up, I was extremely dizzy and thought I was going to throw up.
The tech said that I should hear something either Thursday or Friday. I knew that I was fine so I wasn't concerned. I mean, there's always a little buzz in your head that it might find something but there was no reason to think so. I hadn't felt any breast changes.
Friday I called the doctor because I hadn't gotten the results yet. I wasn't worried but just wanted the "all clear" heading into the weekend. Mostly because my mom would be calling me and asking me every day until I heard something.
The doctor was out of the office and would not get a chance to read them until Monday. Bummer! Then I got an email from AMI saying that my report was ready. Whoot! I didn't even need the doctor to give me the all clear.
Except the report said, "worst kinetics initial phase rapid, delayed phase washout." The report said, "measures 7 x 4 x 6 mm seen best on images...". Recommend targeted ultra sound followed by MRI guided needle biopsy.
So it's Monday, the 27th, and I'm waiting for the doctor to call to tell me I need an ultrasound and biopsy. Well so much for "routine."
Wed., January 29, 2020 - went in for that silly ultrasound. I thought I'd be back to work by 11:00. The tech came back in and told me that they wanted to do the biopsy now.
I was annoyed that Steve wanted to go with me to the ultrasound. I thought it was a little silly for him to take off work to drive me to an appointment that was going to take a half hour. Once again, God has bigger plans than I do.
I asked the tech to bring my husband in and we talked about what was going to happen. He then had to wait out in the hallway for them to do the actual biopsy.
A little pinch and then nothing. I got to watch the biopsy being done on the ultrasound machine. It was really cool! I'm so amazed by the science of all of this. I got to see the lesion and see the needle go into it and grab the tissue needed for testing.
Then it was off to mammo and then about a 30 minute wait and off to MRI. We finally checked out after about 4 1/2 hours.
Friday, January 31, 2020 - no cancer! Yay! But the tumors have to be removed so they don't continue to grow.
Monday, February 3, 2020 - appointment with Dr. Kampfe. I'll have surgery on Thursday to remove the tumors. That will be fun.
Thursday, February 6, 2020 - checked into the hospital at 5:30 am. Went back at 7:30 for a wire needle placement. Not as fun as it sounds but not bad. I teared up once and said, "it's just all a little overwhelming sometimes." They were really patient and supportive. The nurse got my IV in one try (YAY) but it took two tries to take blood. You win some, you lose some. At 8:31 they wheeled me back into surgery.
I think I was hilarious when I was waking up in recovery. Minus the part where I yanked the mask off of my face. I told them I couldn't wake up with that on me. They thought I was kidding. I wasn't trying to be mean, I just thought someone was trying to suffocate me. Thanks, PTSD. I told the nurse how amazing my husband was and I told her I was fat and that's why I burned my chin with pizza. I told the guy in the next cubby that I was sorry that he had to go upstairs but glad that I didn't. The nurse must not have enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed her because I was taken back to my room pretty quickly (or not, I really had no concept of time because my eyes kept closing.)
Once we got back to my room I asked for a diet coke. She very sweetly brought me a diet pepsi and some saltine crackers. I don't understand why they bring you the driest food in the whole world when you have the driest mouth in the whole world. I asked if I could go home. I told her I had diet coke at home. :)
Friday, February 14, 2020 - It has been an exhausting couple of weeks but we have made it. All of the labs are in and I do not have any cancer. I am healing well. I had the drain removed on Monday and have been back at work since Tuesday. It's been a long week but we've survived.
My husband has very sweetly given me the plague for heart day. I mean, it's a nasty cold but it seriously hurts my entire chest to cough and I'm not feeling very thankful for that at the moment.
I will have a follow-up appointment next week, another one in 3 months and then another MRI in 6 months.
This has been our journey. I have met some really great people. All of the staff at all of the places have been wonderful. My family has been wonderful. My friends have been wonderful. Work has been super supportive.
The tech said that I should hear something either Thursday or Friday. I knew that I was fine so I wasn't concerned. I mean, there's always a little buzz in your head that it might find something but there was no reason to think so. I hadn't felt any breast changes.
Friday I called the doctor because I hadn't gotten the results yet. I wasn't worried but just wanted the "all clear" heading into the weekend. Mostly because my mom would be calling me and asking me every day until I heard something.
The doctor was out of the office and would not get a chance to read them until Monday. Bummer! Then I got an email from AMI saying that my report was ready. Whoot! I didn't even need the doctor to give me the all clear.
Except the report said, "worst kinetics initial phase rapid, delayed phase washout." The report said, "measures 7 x 4 x 6 mm seen best on images...". Recommend targeted ultra sound followed by MRI guided needle biopsy.
So it's Monday, the 27th, and I'm waiting for the doctor to call to tell me I need an ultrasound and biopsy. Well so much for "routine."
Wed., January 29, 2020 - went in for that silly ultrasound. I thought I'd be back to work by 11:00. The tech came back in and told me that they wanted to do the biopsy now.
I was annoyed that Steve wanted to go with me to the ultrasound. I thought it was a little silly for him to take off work to drive me to an appointment that was going to take a half hour. Once again, God has bigger plans than I do.
I asked the tech to bring my husband in and we talked about what was going to happen. He then had to wait out in the hallway for them to do the actual biopsy.
A little pinch and then nothing. I got to watch the biopsy being done on the ultrasound machine. It was really cool! I'm so amazed by the science of all of this. I got to see the lesion and see the needle go into it and grab the tissue needed for testing.
Then it was off to mammo and then about a 30 minute wait and off to MRI. We finally checked out after about 4 1/2 hours.
Friday, January 31, 2020 - no cancer! Yay! But the tumors have to be removed so they don't continue to grow.
Monday, February 3, 2020 - appointment with Dr. Kampfe. I'll have surgery on Thursday to remove the tumors. That will be fun.
Thursday, February 6, 2020 - checked into the hospital at 5:30 am. Went back at 7:30 for a wire needle placement. Not as fun as it sounds but not bad. I teared up once and said, "it's just all a little overwhelming sometimes." They were really patient and supportive. The nurse got my IV in one try (YAY) but it took two tries to take blood. You win some, you lose some. At 8:31 they wheeled me back into surgery.
I think I was hilarious when I was waking up in recovery. Minus the part where I yanked the mask off of my face. I told them I couldn't wake up with that on me. They thought I was kidding. I wasn't trying to be mean, I just thought someone was trying to suffocate me. Thanks, PTSD. I told the nurse how amazing my husband was and I told her I was fat and that's why I burned my chin with pizza. I told the guy in the next cubby that I was sorry that he had to go upstairs but glad that I didn't. The nurse must not have enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed her because I was taken back to my room pretty quickly (or not, I really had no concept of time because my eyes kept closing.)
Once we got back to my room I asked for a diet coke. She very sweetly brought me a diet pepsi and some saltine crackers. I don't understand why they bring you the driest food in the whole world when you have the driest mouth in the whole world. I asked if I could go home. I told her I had diet coke at home. :)
Friday, February 14, 2020 - It has been an exhausting couple of weeks but we have made it. All of the labs are in and I do not have any cancer. I am healing well. I had the drain removed on Monday and have been back at work since Tuesday. It's been a long week but we've survived.
My husband has very sweetly given me the plague for heart day. I mean, it's a nasty cold but it seriously hurts my entire chest to cough and I'm not feeling very thankful for that at the moment.
I will have a follow-up appointment next week, another one in 3 months and then another MRI in 6 months.
This has been our journey. I have met some really great people. All of the staff at all of the places have been wonderful. My family has been wonderful. My friends have been wonderful. Work has been super supportive.
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