The 1st One

On our first Christmas without Anitra, I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to do all the festive family things that were going on. I didn't want a Christmas that didn't include Anitra.

My kids still needed to 'do' Christmas. They still needed me to be present for their Christmas. In fact, they probably needed more that 1st Christmas than any other Christmas.

So I got up...and I was sick. Like, really sick. My stomach was a mess. I felt like death. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think anyone would believe me if I told them I was sick. I figured they would think I was just trying to get out of Christmas.

I laid on the couch while kids opened their gifts. I helped put together new toys and took pictures and we made some memories. And I got up every few minutes and ran to the bathroom and got sick.

When the wrapping paper was all picked up and the kids were playing, I laid on the couch and thought about death. Not Anitra's death, but mine. That maybe if I got sick one more time, I would actually just die. (Not that I'm dramatic at all.)

And then I laughed. I knew why I was sick. I knew that it was Anitra making sure I knew she was with us. Because in that moment, the only thing I could think to do was drink warm jello. That was Anitra's answer for all your tummy troubles. Anytime someone was sick, she was pushing that dang Jello.

I always fought it. But on this very important Christmas, I got up and made some warm orange Jello and drank it. And then I laid down and let it do it's magic and not only did I not get sick again, I actually felt better. I was able to play with the kids and hang out with our family and tell fun stories of Anitra and Christmas' past.

Somehow, she always just let's us know she's with us. We miss her this Christmas, just as we have in the past but know that she's with us. In our hearts, in our stories, in our games, in our kids. She'll always be with us. That's how we keep her alive.

Big Week

This is a BIG week!

We find out if Tai will need surgery on her knee. We bring Tai home for Christmas break. The kids have finals. Portfolios are due for Trey on Wed at Zoo school.

On Thursday, we go to Kansas City to get Tai! We haven't seen her in 6 months so needless to say, we're all pretty excited about that!

We celebrated our 1st family Christmas today with the Carson families. Saturday will be Christmas with the Rice families. Sunday we'll go to church and have soup and look at Christmas lights. Christmas morning, we'll be up and opening gifts and then off to Kearney. It will be a quick trip because the mom and dad have to work the next morning.

During all of that, I will be praying for peace and love and light in your families, and ours. I will pray for safe travels and I will pray that God be present in all of your Christmas plans. For those of you grieving this Christmas, my heart hugs are with you. We always have a few moments of grieving each holiday that our family is not all with us too.

"Your Favorite Blogs" (17 of 30)

So...confession...I don't read a ton of blogs. I see things from people I know or things that pop-up in my facebook feed and so I don't really follow a lot. I'm sure that's breaking some "blogger's code" or something but that's what I do. 

My favorite blog is mine. Not because I think I write exceptionally well, but because it's a great outlet for me. I love writing. I wish I could always think of great things to write about but...welcome to my life! 

Another favorite is my G's. She just recently started writing but if her first 3 posts are any indication of how she will do, she's going to be great and I look forward to reading many, many more.

Favorite number 3...MY FRIEND'S! Asian Treaures, Macaroni Wednesdays, Keeping up With Kelsey, Gretchen, Shauna...I truly enjoy reading each of the pieces that you publish. I love hearing about what's going on in your lives and I love getting the chance to read your thoughts! You each inspire me to keep writing. 

I also truly enjoy most of the guest writers from To Write Love on Her Arms. TWLOHA is an organization that brings light, and help, to thousands of people living with mental health issues. They have guest bloggers and I enjoy reading the things they write. It is almost always a way to feel a little less alone in the very dark world that depression can be. 

Mom blogs are fun, though I don't follow any faithfully. I wish I were as humorous, insightful, and creative as they were! I wish, when my kiddos were younger, I had been able to capture all the hilarious mom things that make me laugh when I read them. 

So yeah...it's a pretty random list. Do you have any that you would recommend I actively follow? 

When I get to Heaven

When I was in 8th grade, I met my mom and two of my sisters at the movie Ghost. I hadn't seen them for at least 5 years. When I got there, Anitra was literally hopping up and down. She was so excited. This adorable little blonde child (okay, she probably wasn't all that adorable, she was 15) but she was so child-like. She instantly hugged me and mostly didn't let go of me the entire movie. 

I was thinking today about her last days with us. She was hallucinating and she kept asking me if I could see the little girl in the picture. The little girl was beckoning her to follow her on a path through the flowers and tall grass. It's actually a beautiful image and as I think about it now, I am able to see that the little girl was her and that she was beckoning Anitra home to safety.

To be clear, there was a painting with flowers and a path and a beautiful sky. There was not a little girl in the painting, and there certainly wasn't anyone beckoning her. It was terrifying to her. She believed that the nurses were lying when they said there wasn't anyone in the painting and that the painting wasn't moving. She wanted so badly for me to be able to see it. I couldn't see it then but I can now. 

I believe that when Anitra took her life, God never left her side. I believe that she was in peace from the  moment she decided to end her life and that it was not scary or painful for her. It's possible that I'm wrong, but I don't think so. Maybe I need it to be that way, maybe it was that way. 

I miss her. I miss her laugh. I miss her energy. The laughter and energy when she was well. Those fleeting moments towards the end of her life when her world wasn't dark and scary.  

I think about how much life I have left to live. I thought about how at the end of my life, it won't be sad because I think she'll be there, waiting for me on the other side. She'll be a beautiful, youthful blonde girl, hopping up and down and will give me a hug and maybe, just maybe, not want to let go of me. She'll introduce me to Jesus and she'll be with me to greet my babies that have gone before me. 

"Your Thoughts on Education" (16 of 30)

Okay, I can do this...I don't like to write my personal opinions on super important topics. A) I'm not putting them out there for debate 2) I am completely unqualified to base most of my opinions on important topics on anything other than feelings. So...in light of all of that, this will be completely unpolitical and uneducated (funny considering the topic) and my opinion.

1) I think that people who go into teaching because they truly care about the students and the world are amazing! I think, generally speaking, that they don't make enough for the amount of work, heart, and soul that they do. I think that we pay the wrong people in society the wrong amounts and teachers, good teachers, should make more. I think teachers should be respected more. I think children are not taught to respect their teachers.

2) I think that kids do not learn all the same way and we do a disservice to them by trying to teach them all the same way, which takes me to number 3.

3) We need smaller schools and smaller classrooms and more teachers. Classroom sizes are too big. Kids get lost in the crowd. If you're a great student you get noticed and if you're a troubled student you get noticed and all the kids that fall in the middle of those, get lost. It's not the teachers fault. It's not the schools fault. It's just how it's designed.

4) I am not a fan of standardized testing. I don't think that it truly measures the student's abilities or intelligence. I think that there are a lot of really smart kids who don't test well. We opt one of children out of the NeSA test because of the anxiety that it produces. I don't think that's the answer for all kids but it is for this one. Please note that our other children have all taken the NeSA and will continue to do so. It's just not right for one of them.

So those are my big thoughts. I don't offer solutions to these because I don't know what the solutions are and like I said earlier, I'm completely unqualified to make those decisions.

Christmas Traditions

In case you somehow missed the warnings that the advertisers are shouting at you, Christmas will be here soon. Very soon. Are you ready? I'm not. I have very few items actually ready. I have very few ideas, except for some handmade gifts but I'm not prepared for those either! 

I could do some online shopping and get more prepared but that seems a little stressful. So instead, I'm going to focus on something that DOESN'T stress me out...Family Christmas Traditions...

When I was little, we would go to Christmas Eve mass and go to Grandma and Grandpa's house and have chili, chicken noodle, and oyster stew with crackers and cheese. On the way home, we would drive around town and look at Christmas lights. 

• Now that I have kids, we go to Christmas Eve service, have soup with cheese and crackers and load the kids up in the van with our hot chocolate and go look at Christmas lights. We come home and the kids exchange their 'Secret Sibling' gifts and then it's off to bed so Santa can come.

• 'Secret Sibling' is a fun tradition we have for our children. Sometime after Thanksgiving, the kids make small lists with gift ranging in the $5-10 area. They then draw a name out of a hat and that is the sibling they must gift something to. The kids then do a chore for Steve and I to earn the money to buy the gift for their sibling. We usually make a fun night of eating out and then going shopping for their 'Secret Sibling' gift too. We want to teach the kids the joy of giving and we also want the kids to see that we work to give them the gifts that we give them. This has been a fun tradition and I hope we continue on for many more years! 

• The Christmas tree almost always goes up the weekend following Thanksgiving. I have a very stern rule that it doesn't go up before that. I also like to tell people they can't sing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving but I lose that battle and I really only tell them that because it's funny to hear them argue about it. :)

• Every year the kids and I make Christmas goodies and take deliver a goody basket to the Northeast Police Substation. We either take them on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I want the kids to recognize that there are people still working to keep us safe on the holidays. 

I know there are other things that we do but those are the big ones. Those are the ones that would be missed the most, I hope, if we didn't do them. Those are traditions that I hope some of our children will carry with them to their families, or hang around and do them with us still. 

What are some of your favorite traditions? 

Where Will You Be in 5 Years (15 of 30)

Ahhh...the million dollar question...let's see...

Tai might be married so I might be a mother-in-law.

The boys will have graduated from high school and G will just be getting ready to graduate so, God-willing, we will only have two kids in the house. That will be weird.

Steve will most likely have his master's degree by then so who knows will that will lead us.

I might have finally gotten my degree. I'm certainly not doing what I intend to be doing in 5 years in the career field, so I don't know.

Here's what I know...

I will be loving my growing, changing family. I will be cheering on each of my children in whatever endeavor they are taking on. I will be loving my friends and my family through good times and bad times. I will welcome new members to our family and smile as we grow even more beyond our 3, and then 3 more kids. I will be excitedly waiting, but not rushing, to have more grandchildren. I will be learning to cook for less people and learning to add onto our table for big family dinners.

I will be praising the Lord for the gifts that He has shown us.

I've learned in life that five years is a really quick time span but that a lot of things can happen in that amount of time. I've learned that it isn't really for me to know what I will be doing in 5 years. I can have goals for sure. I can pray about it but in my life, it's about God's will. Also, I've learned that if I am absolutely, positively certain something will be one way, it's probably going to be something I could never even have planned for.

What might you be praying for in 5 years?

3 Healthy Habits (Day 14 of 30)

I looked at today's topic and said, aloud, "I can't write about healthy habits!" I smoke, I'm overweight, I let my anxiety get the best of me, I eat too much, I yell...the list goes on. So WHAT healthy habits DO I have?

1) I TRY, usually successfully, to be in bed at a good time. Sometimes that is at 9:30 and sometimes that is 10:00. On a REALLY good night, I get to be in bed at 9:00. It takes me awhile to fall asleep so if I'm not medicated by at least 10:00, I am really tired the next day. Now, obviously there are times I fail at this. This week was awful for sleep! I'm hoping to be in bed by 9:30 tomorrow night.

2) I cook healthy meals. Sometimes I eat too much of it but I really do try to keep the fat and calories down in the meals I cook. We also try to substitute foods to make meals healthier. I try to cook with low-fat options. (I'm tempted to write about our huge cheese addiction in this house but I'm trying to stay positive!)

3) We eat family meals at the table and share as a family. Our family has a tradition of "The best part of your day." At dinner time, we go around the table and everyone has to say the best thing that happened to them that day. This is a great chance to hear about what is going on in our kid's lives and also allows them to take a minute and appreciate something about their day.

Now that I write those, I realize we DO have a couple of other healthy habits. Can I just take a moment to recognize that this post is a LOT shorter than most of my other posts. HAHA!!!

Menu Planning

Here's the deal...we are a typical busy family. We are a family that lives on a pretty tight budget. Much less tight than it used to be, but still pretty tight. If we didn't menu plan, we would never know what we were eating and we would eat out more and have less money for the other things that we need. 

We grocery shop every two weeks. Now, we usually end up having to get milk at least once during those two weeks but for the most part, we only grocery shop every two weeks. We typically eat out once every two weeks. Sometimes, when life has us way too busy, we will have to stop and grab something but typically speaking, it's once every two weeks.

The ads come in our mail on Wed. Steve goes through the ads and circles the meat, and other bigger ticket items, that are on sale. I build the menu from that, and our schedules. 

Mondays - usually not a busy night for us so I like to try new recipes, or just family favorites that take a little longer to make. Usually a chicken dish because a) there is almost always some type of chicken on sale and b) chicken takes a little longer to make so unless I do it in the crock pot, there isn't a lot of time for chicken other times. 

Tuesdays - "Taco Tuesday"...this means that we will have some kind of Mexican dish. Apparently 'taco' is a pretty general term in our house and I have interpreted this to be some type of Mexican meal. We do try to have regular tacos at least once a  month because that's something that EVERYONE in our house enjoys (and that's pretty tough to come by). Also, I've learned that most of the Mexican-style dishes that I make don't take a lot of time and Rey has dance so I start dinner, run her to dance, finish dinner, pick her up, eat. Right now we also have Mourning Hope group so some of us will eat before dance pick up so that we can get to that.  

Wednesdays - The girls have Youth Group and Steve has Scouts so this day is when we will have something quick like soup and sandwiches or chef salads, 'Subway' night (which means we make our own subs) and individual bags of chips. Crock pot meals happen most often on this night because then people can eat as they are here

Thursdays - We typically have something more 'classic' on Thursdays. I don't know why that is but I just realized it is. We do spaghetti (although now we have different versions - spaghetti squash, shrimp hot naked, etc...), tater tot casserole, sloppy joes, stir fry, new casseroles I'm constantly finding on Pinterest...things like that. It all pretty much revolves around what proteins were on sale that week. 

Fridays - Steve does not work his regular job on Fridays so that means he's usually in charge of the dinner that day. (I say his regular job because trust me, between appts., JA, teaching CLC clubs...he's still really working.) This means we often times have fish or grill. 

Saturdays - depends on what we have planned. Most of the time we grill on Saturdays. Brats, chicken, hamburgers...whatever proteins we have stocked up on. Or we do soup in the crock pot - chili, chicken and noodles...you get it. 

Sundays - I will SOMETIMES, very rarely, make a menu for Sunday brunch. The tradition is that I am willing to make you eggs, maybe bacon, and toast after church but dinner is pretty exclusively "free choice". That means leftovers. I found out that my kids will eat it more happily if I call it free choice than when I call it leftovers. That's when we clean out the fridge or eat Ramen. Honestly, by Sunday afternoon, I'm pooped. Actually much sooner than that but Steve works on Sundays so I use that as an excuse to not cook. 

So that's it. There's no secret. The menu directly revolves around kid activities and grocery ads. We have an app called Cozi that we use to keep track of everyone's schedules. If you have a phone in our house, you have Cozi and you are expected to put your activities on it. We also include the menu. That way Steve is never asking me what we're having for dinner and I always know what needs to be taken out, or prepped, the night before. Steve will grocery shop for the sale items (meats and veggies) on Friday and I will online grocery shop for the rest of the items and pick them up on Saturdays. About once a month we go to Sam's Club for toilet paper, paper plates, napkins, paper plates...stuff like that. 

It's a little time consuming but I have noticed that when I don't menu plan, it's insane. I am a schedule person. I am a planner. If it's not planned, then I'm worrying about it getting done. Also, preparing dinner and sitting with as many family members as we can each night, truly fills my bucket. 

What's in Your Fridge (13 of 30)

Funny for the day! I will admit to being intrigued by what people have in their fridges. I don't know what it says about people and I am certainly not judging...I just find it entertaining. Oh man...I hope nobody ever judges me by the contents of my fridge! Haha!

We menu plan and grocery shop every two weeks and since we're almost to the end of that two weeks, we're pretty low on a lot of stuff. We have your basic leftovers from whatever we have eaten this week. About 1/4 cup of whatever was too much in the pan to throw away!

Oh, I do have homemade tamales. We bought them for a fundraiser someone is having for some friends. Homemade tamales are the absolute best and I keep forgetting we have these so that's probably going to be lunch for tomorrow. Yum! I just got excited!

We have a large jar with 1 homemade pickle in it. It takes a lot from me to not eat it but Tai's grandma passed away in May and she made homemade pickles and it's the last pickle that Tai has so I'm saving it for her for Christmas. For the record, there was only one in there when she left for Nantucket so I deserve some serious credit for it still being there.  She was nice enough to share some of the others with us when the jar was full. Grandma Mary made some of the best pickles ever. I'm kind of hoping Tai wants to share a bite of the last one.

We have a lot of condiments. Is that a thing? Does everyone have a door compartment full of condiments? We still have a couple of eggs and we ALWAYS have cheese. We love cheese! Cheddar, colby-jack, American, parmesan, cream cheese...the list goes on. If we are ever completely out of cheese, somebody should probably get us to a food pantry because it means we're too poor to go to the store!

Since it's the end of the 2 weeks, I was just told we are out of milk. An item we go through entirely too fast in this house. With 4 mostly teenagers, and Steve, it's not unusual to be out of milk. We should buy a cow.

Well, now that I've done this post, it has made me realize that in two days I will be making a grocery list so it's probably a good time for me to go start menu planning! I'll share my menu planning process sometime. It's intense but something I usually enjoy a lot and seriously saves this momma a LOT of work!

Happy Hump Day!

Your Favorite Childhood Book (12 of 30)

Today, I am tempted to write about the fact that someone came into our home and stole our possessions. I am tempted to write about how they didn't just steal from me, they stole from my children because they took their xbox one and their PS3, things that we have worked hard for them to have. I'm not going to write about that though...because I've been looking forward to this post and I'm not letting that person have this too...maybe another night.

I LOVED to read as a kid. I would get in trouble because I would read so much that I wouldn't do my homework or chores. I learned how to read quickly and I could get through a book in no time flat. I was also grounded a LOT so I had a LOT of time to read.

My all-time favorite book that I still own today is 'Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry'. It's written by Mildred D. Taylor and it's about a poor, African American Family in the deep south in the 1930's. The Logan children take us on a journey of how racist and unjust America, especially the deep South, was like during that time. I loved the history of it. I can hear their accents as I read about Strawberry, MS and hear the tails through the view point of Cassie Logan. I actually read this again two summers ago. I was incredibly excited to find it at a garage sale. There is a sequel this book called 'Let the Circle Be Unbroken'. Also a very good book and I actually love sequels to books, much more so than sequels to movies (unless it's a Die Hard or Fast & Furious movie)!

Another great book that we read in 8th grade with Mrs. Miller was 'Gentlehands' by M.E. Kerr. This book is a teenage boy, Buddy, who discovers that his grandfather was a Nazi war criminal during WWII.  'Gentlehands' reminds us that people are not always what they appear and it teaches us that sometimes we have to wrestle with the demons of life not always being completely black and white; that sometimes what we think is good can also be filled with bad. I think that the quote "winners never cheat and cheaters never win" comes from that book but I am not able to pinpoint it exactly. I know that's where I THINK it came from and that I repeat that to my children often.

There are so many other books that I could write about but these two stood out the most as great "childhood" books. As far as kids books, I adore 'Is Your Mama a Llama', 'Where the Wild Things Are', pretty much anything by Dr. Seuss, and 'I'll Love  You Forever'.

10 Favorite Foods (Day 11 of 30)

Food! Not going to lie...I got a little excited about the topic. We love food. I get a ton of self-value in the meals that I prepare for my family. I love to cook...maybe even a little more than I love to eat.

1) Chicken Piccata - Tai makes the best chicken piccata I have ever had. It's thin, pan seared chicken with capers and lemon and cream. It's amazing.

2) Chili Relleno - I love these but can't handle the heat so they're sometimes scary to order when dining out. La Paz has great ones!

3) Tacos - Just a basic, hard or soft, meat, cheese, lettuce taco. I really like chicken soft tacos from Amigos. We have Taco Tuesdays at our house but we've expanded "tacos" to mean any new kind of Mexican dish I want to try out on the kids.

4) Popcorn - I'm kind of a popcorn snob. I don't like microwave popcorn and really love my own homemade popcorn the most. Most of the  kids say it's better than movie popcorn. I have the popcorn popper that has the handle that you turn while it's cooking. That's the best.

5) Tater Tot Casserole - You can usually tell if my depression is bad by whether or not we have this on the menu. It's absolutely a comfort food for me and when I feel sad that's one of the dishes I crave.

6) Mashed potatoes with cream of mushroom hamburger gravy - there have been times in our marriage when we were just plain broke. Not sure how we were going to eat, broke. We could take a little bit of hamburger, add a can of cream of mushroom and a little milk. Make up some mashed potatoes (even the boxed kind) and 'yay! dinner!' We haven't had this in a really long time but it is a dish I think of fondly when thinking about favorite foods.

7) Sushi - This is a new favorite within the last several years. I never thought that I would like sushi but oh wow, I do. I should clarify...I don't like raw fish so I'm not eating those really beautiful pieces of sashimi that my husband likes. I love the ones that are lightly battered and fried and I LOVE a good Cali-roll.

8) My dad's goulash - or chili -- those two things make me feel better. I have tried for 22 years to replicate those two things and I never get it quite right. Mine are good, but dad's are way better. They make me feel young again, in a good way!

9) My mom's beef and noodles - she makes homemade noodles and there is just something about them that warm my heart and soul and tummy. I know HOW to make the noodles, I just usually don't make them. They are a great Christmas tradition.

10) My little sister's chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips - I know...it sounds weird but it really is just chocolate chip cookies without any chocolate chips. I love them! My little sister made them for me and I appreciated the gesture so much that I will forever treasure them.

So there are my favorites. There are probably a ton more but the topic was 10 so I'll stop there. A little secret, one of my absolutely least favorite foods...meatloaf. Blech!

Best Trip of Your Life (Day 10 of 30)

We have had a couple of really great trips. I would say hands down when we road trip as a family, my heart is the fullest. There were great things about so many of them...I'll hit a few highlights, again in no particular order...

Summer 2013...We went to KS, CO, SD, and WY. We started in Kearney to pick up Grandma Cindy and headed to Kansas to visit the graves of Steve's grandparents. We then headed to Colorado Springs. We spread my sister's ashes at Pikes Peak and went onto WY and SD. We saw Mt. Rushmore, Wind Cave, Needles Highway...2 cars, 6 kids, 3 adults. We camped a few nights and stayed in a couple of hotels.

Breckenridge 2012...The Carson Family Vacation. Grandma and Grandpa Carson rented a house and there were 17 of us total (unless I forgot someone). We went horseback riding, white water rafting, saw Mt. Evans, pontoon boat, and a water park...lots of good food, great scenery, good memories. Rythm turned 16 on that trip.

Spring break 2015...New York City! We saw Niagra Falls, the birth place of Michael Jackson, the Statue of Liberty, Hershey PA, the 9-11 Museum and Memorial. We took a night bus tour of NYC and a terrifying traffic jam in Brooklyn. We crossed so many states we lost count but had a great time and made more wonderful memories. We stayed at a super nasty hotel and we stayed at a nice one in NJ. We also ate at a fun little resteraunt in NJ that was probably a front for the mafia.

Las Vegas...Steve and I left the kids with grandma Cindy and grandma Nessa and spent 4 fantastic days in Vegas. We saw Hoover Dam, a Cirque du Soleil, Fremont St. We took a couple of sketchy late night bus rides from Fremont Street to the strip, saw a show, ate some amazing food, and all the lights!

Mexico...This was the most recent. Steve and I finally got a stamp in our passport and spent some time in Cancun. It was beautiful and a much needed trip for both of us to connect. A pool right outside our room, a day to Chichen itza. The highway and drving were scary, the food was fabulous.

I am truly blessed. We have had countless trips to Florida to pick up and drop-off Tai. We've been to waterparks and theme parks in Arkansas and Branson. We had a great cabin trip to Worlds of Fun with the kids. WOW! I need to pull this list out and read it more often when it seems like all we do is work and run kids around...we've had some great adventures.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I love Thanksgiving! It's such a wonderful holiday that doesn't revolve around money and gifts. I love the food and I love the day spent with most of my children.

I am also reminded to be thankful of all the things, people, blessings in my life. Here's just a few, in no particular order.

I'm incredibly thankful for God and for our Church. We have met the most amazing people and have a tribe who helps us raise our children and lead them in God's way. Our Church has literally been life saving and we are incredibly thankful to have them in our lives. God's promises leave me thankful daily. 

Which leads me to how thankful I am for our neighbors, who have become our friends. They led us to our Church and they are absolutely part of "village to raise a child." They are great carpool buddies for youth group and lend a hand by getting the girls to Sunday morning youth group. We get to spend holidays together and our children have become good friends.

I am thankful for all of my family. We don't see most of them enough but when we do, it's always nice to be together. My extended family has made me who I am, my children teach who I want to become better each day, my in-laws have welcomed me with open arms since day one (they have also loved all our children unconditionally no matter that only 2 of them are biologically theirs).

A thankful post would not be complete with a special shout out to the man who has loved since high school, even when he doesn't particularly like me...ha! My hubby gives me more to be thankful for than I deserve. He's taught me patience by being patient with me, he's taught to relax more (I'm a work in progress) by being relaxed, he's taught me to love when it's hard to and forgive when there's no apology. I would not be half the person I am today without him.

I am thankful for our jobs that allow us to provide for our families. I'm not sure that I'm in my 'dream job' right now but I'm thankful for all that it is teaching me and all that it has to offer.

I am thankful for a team...of doctor's, of teachers, of partners that help us to guide our children through the tough waters of grief, mourning, mental health, school situations, etc...Our family wouldn't even know where to start without all of you.

I have amazing friends. Close friends, work friends, old friends, new friends...the list goes on. I am so thankful to have great friends. 

I truly have a lot to be thankful for and I certainly can't list them all but those are some of my top ones. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and can still wear their jeans tomorrow!

What's In Your Purse (Day 9 of 30)

An incredible amount of crap! Ha! Really, I have glasses cases, meds, maybe a couple of pens that I can never find when I need. I carry around way too much. But here's a couple of things...

I carry my sister's phone. No matter what purse I'm using at the moment, there must be a pocket in it for the little blue phone. I am strongly held firm by 'anchors' and that is one of them. It seems silly to some probably, to carry around a perfectly good phone that is disconnected and has no battery. It used to have a battery but the phone kept going off for no apparent reason and would make noises at the worst possible times.

Anitra's phone was one her most prized posessions and so I feel like by having it with me all the time, I am carrying her around with me all the time. Poor girl! When I miss her terribly, I reach in and touch her phone. When I am rummaging around for some lost article, I brush up against her phone and it reminds me that nothing is lost forever.

One of the other things I have in my purse is lip wear. I have about 10 of them in my purse at any given moment. I have lip gloss, lip stain, lipsense, lipstick, lip balm. I have a lip stuff problem. I think I probably faithfully wear 2 of them. Well, as much as I faithfully wear anything on my lips. I have great intentions of putting lip color on, I just usually forget.

They're all contained in one pocket of my purse. Sometimes they get traded out for others that I have in my house. If I took all the lip stuff out of my bag it'd probaly weigh a lot less. I don't know what I would do with all the space! Collect more receipts that I don't need but feel bad about not taking from the cashier?

Oh, and here's the deal, I'm generous with my lip products. I will share. If you need something for your lips, I am happy to hand one over to you, but please don't give it back. That's so gross. And trust me, I have plenty to replace it with!

Five Current Goals (Day 8 of 30)

Man...I don't feel incredibly goal oriented right now. I'm just trying to stay afloat and not lose my mind so I wonder if that should be my one and only goal...I'll try...

1) The high school youth pastor gave the sermon at church a couple of weeks ago. It was an amazing sermon about growth, in may aspects of our lives, but he said, "the number one way to grow in Christ is to read the Bible." After the sermon, I shook his hand and told him how much his sermon spoke to me. He said, "do something with it." I thought about that, and I DID something about it. I found an accountability partner and I set a goal of reading the Bible, no matter how short of a verse, at least 4 times out of 7 in a week. Week two and I'm reaching that goal. So my goal is to continue to grow in Christ and continue to read the Bible.

2) This goal is silly but needs to be out in the universe anyway. I need to organize all of my fabulous pieces of Paparrazi jewelry. They are laying on my desk, on my printer, some are in one of my actual jewelry boxes, some of still in the package I received today. I have a hanger type thing for ties that I'm going to hang my longer pieces on. I just need to do it. On a side note, have you tried/heard of/seen Paparazzi Jewelry?? Every piece is just $5! The pieces are amazing. They go from super fancy to super simple and everything in between. Fabulous pieces and if I leave them at work, or my van, I don't freak out because they were literally $5.00!

3) In the same lines as above, I have a goal of getting all of my clothes organized. They too are everywhere in my room. I feel like a teenager again, and not in a good way. Could someone just come hang out with me for 2 hours and not let me out of my room until it's done? I haven't gotten my summer clothes put away and it's almost winter!

4) Next spot that needs some major organization is my make-up closet. Yes, I have a whole cabinet for all of my make-up, brushes, nail polish, masks, etc. I just need to organize it. I'm blessed with the space, and at one time I had it all nice and neat. I don't know what happened! I love having it organized and easy to find, I just can't seem to find the time to do it! So my goal for this winter is to organize the heck out of that closet so I have room for more make-up. I might have a problem. I love the stuff!

5) I'm going to be an aunt again!! I'm so excited! Come May I'll have a brand new little niece or nephew. So this goal would be to get a baby blanket made for this baby! I still have a half-finished blanket for a cousin's baby. It does help that it's winter so if life will slow down for JUST a little bit, I might be able to sit long enough to work on a blanket for this new little miracle.

As I'm writing these goals, I'm thinking of several more that I should probably put on here. I guess I'll be making another list...a To-Do list...of all the goals and how I'm going to get them going.

Happy Birthday Eve (Day 7 of 30)

So day 6 of 30 is "Your 5 Favorite Songs." I love music. There is no way I could possibly try to limit my favorites to 5. I like country, classic Christian, contemp. Christian, a little 'white girl' rap, a little hip-hop, jazz...I just love music. And I wanted to write about something else tonight so...

ON this eve, as I pull the birthday brownies out of the oven, I think back to 17 years ago. I smile with warm memories. I laugh because I remember that we had not named you yet. Your mom, who needs to have EVERY detail planned out as soon as possible did not even have a name for you yet.

I blame your dad. Makes sense, right? He dislikes plans and structure as much as I crave them. He is always the last one to order at a resteraunt because he can't make up his mind about ANYTHING. So yes, I blame your father. You were his son. I wanted him to really have a say in your name.

I also knew that I could not name you the one name that he really wanted to name you. Your dad really wanted to name you Scott. I know it would have meant a lot to him for that to be your name. I was worried that if we named you Scott, it would be hard on your grandma. I worried that if I named you Scott, you might not live. I know that sounds silly but that's how this anxiety stuff works. After we had named you, your great grandma Bonnie said, "I didn't want to tell you this before but it would have been awfully hard for some of us if his first name was Scott."

So your dad and I laid in bed at 3:00 in the morning going back and forth over names. I was aiming for Max. I think there were a few other names but mostly we kept settling on some version of Trey. I started to cry and told your dad that he must not really love me if he couldn't even pick a name for you. Yeah, hormones are great when you're pregnant.

I finally said, "it's not that hard! It's pork or chicken Steve! Pick a name!"

He didn't. I fell asleep for about 2 hours. I'm not sure your dad slept that night.

We got to the hospital. It was so cold. After a whole bunch of boring stuff, they told your dad to go get dressed and they were ready to wheel me back to the operating room. I said, "WAIT! When you come into that room, I need to know if he's going to be TreySON or TreyTON!"

Treyson Scott Fankhauser, you are an absolute light in my sometimes very dark world. You make me smile with your dry humor and silly wit. I can't imagine what I ever did so right as to be blessed enough to be your mom. I am so thankful. Happy Birthday!

What Are You Afraid of? (Day 6 of 30)

I'm just going to throw out a few...these are not necessarily in order of biggest to smallest...just things I think about, or try not to think about.

1) Something happening to one of my kids...

2) Not being enough...for my kids, for my spouse, for my friends, for my life...

3) Something happening to Steve...

4) Snakes...all snakes...it's called the 's' word in our house...

5) A quiet house...

6) Too much noise...

7) Getting Alzhemeirs and forgetting my sister...

8) Other drivers...seriously, the interstate is too much...

9) Losing my teeth and not being able to afford good replacements...

10) That my kids won't remember all the fun times...

Your Proudest Moment (Day 5 of 30)

My proudest moment would be...

When Genevieve was baptized...

When Tai was accepted into, and committed to, the CIA...

When Trey was allowed to take the ACT as a 7th grader...

When Rythm safely gave birth to Rileigh...

When Ariez completed a full season detasseling...

When Reyanne danced across the stage so beautifully...

When Steve graduated from UNK..

When this family so bravely grieved the loss of someone so incredibly special to us...

When Tai and Rythm graduated from high school...

When Genevieve so bravely advocates for herself...

When Treyson performs in plays...

When Ariez is able to identify his emotions and needs...

When Steve became a supervisor for Nelnet...

When Reyanne chose to join youth group and truly begin HER journey with the Lord...

So many moments...

"What is Your Dream Job" (Day 4 of 30)

Day 4 was supposed to be yesterday but it was a busy, long day (which I'll get to in a second). Day 4's prompt is "What is your dream job?" and I can't go there right now so I'm filling day 4 with the news of yesterday.

My phone starting buzzing at 4:19 pm. I'm not off until 4:30 so I wasn't going to answer it but with all the craziness in our lives I decided I better.

Silence, well more accurately, heavy breathing is what met me on the phone.

"Trey? Trey? What's wrong?"

More heavy breathing. "Mom...I'm okay...but..."

And I knew. I knew what he was going to tell me. A parent knows, especially a parent that has been through it twice before.

So, the car is totalled, the boy is not. Praise the Lord!

I left work at 4:20 and made it to him at about 4:45. We got to the hospital about 5:45 and we were in the Taco Bell drive-thru by 7:15. Not bad.

There was a National Guardsman who had stopped to help with the accident. He was in uniform so all the cars stopped for him when he came to walk me across the busy street so I could FINALLY get to se my boy and make sure he was really okay. He said that Trey was afraid I wasn't paying enough attention to the cars and that I was going to get run over so he came over to walk me across. Trey said that gentleman was super helpful the whole time. I never got his name. He left shortly after I arrived. He wanted to make sure that my kid was okay. Our family is incredibly thankful for him.

Trey feels bad for the woman that he hit. She was almost positive that the police were going to arrest her for a) causing the accident and b) not having her driver's license with her at the time of the accident. They didn't arrest her but she did walk away with a ticket which she won't be able to take Stop Class for because it was an inury accident. Trey said he heard her on the phone and she said "he's going to kill me!" and he was worried that his giantness was frightening to her. I told him that she was probably talking about her husband because that's how wives talk when they've done something like that.

Trey has a bummed up hand. They took x-rays and said there is not an obvious break but that the tendons in his hand are so swollen that it's hard to see for sure right now. He'll wear the hard splint for 2 weeks and we'll go back for more pictures. He won't be able to work so he will have lots of time to work on homework and portfolios during Thanksgiving Break.

And...the accident wasn't his fault so if there had to be an accident, there's that to be thankful for as well.

So maybe I can go "there" about the "dream job." I'm actually living it. I am a mom and I get to be by my kid's sides when they need me to be. I get to be there when don't want me there too but that's for another day. I get to make them dinner and drive them to dance and advocate for them at school meetings and make sure they take all their medicine. That's my real job. It doesn't pay the bills, I'm thankful for the one that does also but I'm incredibly thankful for having the dream job of being a mom to some really amazing kids.

"Your Favorite Quote" - Day 3 of 30 Blog Challenge

I don't really have a favorite quote. I like a couple. I could have just changed tonight's topic because nobody else can see the list but that seems like a lot of work right now and I'm drained. It's been a long day and I'm so exhausted.

Here a few...

"True love is friendship set on fire." - I like this because there's so much truth to it. Steve is my best friend. Don't get me wrong, he's also the person who can drive me the craziest, but he's also the person who's been there through it all. We are friends first and lover's second.

"Grief is the price we pay for love"- Oh so true...grief is worth the price of love. Grief is hard, really, really hard. Totally worth every minute of it.

"Live to love and love living" - That's from my husband. It's a good one.

"I have become death, the destroyer of worlds" - this was apparently from J. Robert Oppenheimer in reference to creating the atom bomb. My son gave me this one. I'm going to think about that some more.

"There is no 'we' in 'food'" - This literally made me just laugh out loud. I was looking for quotes about food and there was one about "My favorite part of food is family..." which is really good and I will say that one of my favorite things in my house is that we eat at the table for dinner. I saw this one instead and thought it was super funny. So...there you go...

"Having somewhere to go is home, having someone to love is family, having both is a blessing." - I am insanely blessed.

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." - so much...

Okay...that's what I have today. Borrowed quotes from others and googled quotes about things that are important to me.

"20 Facts about You" - Day 2 of 30 Blog Challenge

20 Facts About You

I know...super deep, exciting stuff here...Let's see what I can come up with!

1. My middle toe is longer than my other toes. It's genetic and Steve calls them monkey toes. They look much like a hand.

2. My son, Ariez, just told me I'm a good listener. I asked him for a fact about me and that's the first thing he said. I try to be.

3. When my kids compliment me, I get all the feels. Mostly because I don't think they even notice me unless it's dinner time or need a ride somewhere so I probably put way too much value in their compliments, but they absolutely fill my bucket.

4. Homemade birthday cards are my favorite gift. My husband usually has the kids write me a note or make a card on my birthday and they are incredibly sweet and my favorite thing about my birthday.

5. My grandmother is 20 years older than my dad, my dad is 20 years older than me, I am 20 years older than my first born. She turns 20 tomorrow and I'm excited to announce that the circle has been broken. :)

6. I have had 11 surgeries...3 c-sections, 2 sections for partial hysterectomies, 1 ankle reconstruction, 1 dnc following a miscarriage, 4 laparoscopies due to endometriosis.

7. My favorite chocolate is white chocolate. My least favorite is dark chocolate.

8. My favorite Chrsistmas time treats are haystacks.

9. People think I hate the snow. I actually LOVE the snow. It's beautiful, it makes everything shiny. I have fibromyalgia and the snow, actually the cold, makes me hurt really badly. So I love the snow but only really when I can stay inside and not get near it.

10. Genevieve just said a fact about me is that I have a big heart. Anyone who knows what we have been going through lately with this girl, has to know that her statement brought a couple tears. I am trying baby girl and I know you are too.

11. Treyson said that "as of tomorrow you have been a mom for 20 years." Yes, we covered that but I'm still counting it as fact number 11.

12. I have been sexually assualted. I was 18.

13. My dream was to be a famous singer, probably country but I was super excited to do a Christmas album. I don't sing as well as I listen. :)

14. I have started, and stopped, college 4 times. Some times that makes me feel like a failure, but it actually makes me persistent. I know what I want, I just can't quite get there with all the life that keeps happening around me. I will get it someday; watch me.

15. I like being alone but not feeling lonely. So, I am really good if you leave me at home all day but you better text me so I know you're thinking about me too. Steve's a lucky man...

16. It takes every ounce of magic in me to go out socially, even if it's just family. I have a great time once I'm out but the anxiety of going keeps me from a lot of things. I absolutely hate walking into a room of people. I enjoy socializing with them once I'm there, but I hate going.

17. I have attempted suicide 6 times. Thank you God for always saving me. I know now that it's not my time. I have suicide ideation and that scares people. It's not scary. It's how my mind works. It's a part of who I am, just like the depression, anxiety, bi-polar, fibromyalgia, and endometriosis.

18. I was terrified for my little sister to turn 35. When my oldest sister was 35, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. When Anitra was 35, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. When I was 35, Anitra completed suicide. I was terrified for my little sister. I don't think anything tragic happened that year for her. I am thankful.

19. I am allergic to shellfish but only when I'm pregnant. In fact, a bad reaction to crab legs is what led me to take a pregnancy test and that's how I found out I was pregnant with G!

20. I have been pregnant 9 times, have 3 biological children on Earth, 6 in Heaven, 3 adopted children and one beautiful granddaughter (who biologically is my great-niece). Family is everything to me, even when they make me run pulling my hair out!

And there you have it. I hope some of them were interesting. For those wondering, Banana was out playing with friends and doesn't have a phone so she couldn't answer a fact about me. I think I might ask her later anyway!

"Your Blog's Name" - Day 1 of 30 Blog Challenge

(I struggle with topics but love to write so I'm "borrowing" from other's in an attempt to get my creativity wheels turning. Writing is therapy for me, even when it's not deep or personal. So I'm taking some time for a little 'self-care' and writing about things some things that really matter and some that really don't.)

The name of my blog has changed a few times. It was hard to settle on a name. Thankfully a friend helped me design it and come up with 'Eight is Enough'.

Obviously the name came from the size of our family. There were 6 kids and 2 parents and there we go. God knows at the time, I wasn't really thinking about how much our family would grow. I knew that we were done bringing children into our home. I knew that I certainly wasn't going to biologically have anymore children.

I kind of didn't think about the other ways that our family would grow. We have a beautiful granddaughter. I hope that we have many more some day. Our children have significant others (well, one child does and others will). I didn't take into account the friends that have become family. I didn't count our extended families.

I thought about changing the name of this blog, especially after Rileigh was born, but decided that we would stick with the original eight. I think when I see it, it reminds me that eight really isn't enough. We never really just eight. We've always been so much more than that. We could never put a number on the amount of love and people we include in our family.

Anger/Hurt

"Mom, I want friend x to hurt as much as she hurt me!"

Oh, my beautiful, hurt, angry, baby girl...I hate that you are hurting. I hurt for your hurting heart. There is so much I want I want to say to you, but I know that you can't hear me right now.

So I will pray for you, even though right now you can't see God's Light.

I will set very firm boundaries for you, even though you will fight them.

I will remind you that hurting someone because they hurt you isn't His way, even though you can't see that right now.

I will listen to you, even when you don't think I am.

I will listen to you, even when you don't want to talk.

And I will love you, even though you can't you feel that love in boundaries that are being set for you.

God says to love your enemies and to do good to those that hate us. That seems like a really hard, sometimes impossible, thing to do. I can imagine that seems even harder to do in your place in life right now.

God gives us really hard, sometimes seemingly impossible, things to do so that we grow. He wants us to grow in Him. He wants us to grow towards Him. He wants us to grow with Him in our hearts, spirits and hearts.

It's hard to watch your kid hurt. It's hard to watch your kid be so hurt that they are angry and lashing out. It's hard to set some of those boundaries that are so important to set. It's hard to pray for them to grow when you really just want to hold them until their hearts heal. It's hard to not be able to just wipe away a tear and kiss a boo-boo and make their world all better.

These are some of the things I've learned while parenting teens. Rest assured, those boundaries are still going to be set. Rest assured those lessons are still going to be taught. Rest assured that we are still going to love you when you don't feel lovable. Rest assured that we are still going to be here at the end of the battle. Rest assured that we are still going to expect you to be Christ-like, even when you don't act Christ-like, or feel like you want to be Christ-like.

You are our daughter. Our gift from God. We share you with the universe and hurt when the universe hurts you. We cry when you cry, even if we are crying different tears. We will fight for you; for your heart and your body and your soul. We will forever have your back but call you to be accountable for your actions. You are never alone. You are never lost to us. We are your parents and will keep pushing for you, even when you are pushing back harder. We will teach you lessons that you think you don't know and point you towards the right people to help in teach the lessons we don't know how to teach you.

Feels

I'm feeling so many feelings today. Some good, some bad, just a lot of them on one day and it's a lot to feel.

Five years ago today we put Anitra in the hospital. Five years ago, she broke completely. I called Steve from the ER and said that it was finally all too much and I didn't think she'd make it through this one. I wanted to be wrong but I think I knew that I was right.

Two years ago today Rileigh made her entrance into the world. She is so loved and so missed (we haven't been able to see her since March) and we wish we could celebrate with her. We wish her the happiest of birthdays and hope that she is having a very special day. We are blessed to have this beautiful child in our lives and hearts.

One year ago we had to take G to the hospital. She was having suicidal thoughts and had a plan to not be with us on this Earth anymore. That was such a hard time. Nothing can prepare you to hear your child say they don't feel safe with themselves and that they don't want to live anymore.

Today is National Suicide Prevention Day and that start of Suicide Prevention Week. I'm so glad that there is so much social recognition of this day and week. The more we talk about it, the more we can prevent suicide. The more we let people know that it's okay to feel the way they feel, the less alone people feel with their thoughts.

It's fitting to me that we celebrate Rileigh today. When I hold her and see her smile, I get to see the very best parts of her momma and grandma. It's not a surprise to me that she came on the 10th (I prayed for her to come that day), the day I feel like we lost Anitra forever (even though she was alive 3 more days). I feel like God was giving us something beautiful to hold onto that day.

I'm anxious for what this week will bring; for me, for my kiddos, for her parents, for my husband, for her friends. I'm grateful for the fact that we all have each other when the feelings become too much to hold onto.

I'm relieved that Anitra no longer has to feel so many, too many, feelings. I'm sad that many of us still feel too many feels.

I know that this day will pass. I know that the sad feelings will turn to happy feelings. I know that this day is just a hard day. I will give my worries to God and I will pray for safe thoughts and feelings for those we love.

Weather

When I was little and there were tornadoes, my dad would tuck us safely into our shelter and then he would go and watch the storm.

As I got older, my dad would explain the tornado activity and show us the clouds and explain the fronts and the science behind it all. He'd still make sure we were safely out of harms way and out he would go to watch the storm. I don't remember being afraid of tornadoes growing up.

When I was pregnant with Tai, living in Pascagoula, MS, there was a hurricane. I was terrified. A) I was mostly alone and pregnant, 2) I had no idea about hurricanes, 3) the news made it look horrifying! I was 20 years old, pregnant, no family around, no idea what hurricane season was like, and no idea what they really were.

I had a very patient boss. He explained them to me. He told me to not watch the national news and only watch the local news (best advice ever). He told me how they were formed, what the fronts meant, what to expect, how to prepare, and how to be smart.

Then it became fascinating. Once the hurricane passed through, I watched the national news to learn more about them.

Blizzards are fascinating to me. I always say that I'm not a huge fan of snow but a good blizzard? I'm all in for. We're talking about a good snowed in blizzard.

Probably one of the biggest things on my bucket list would be to storm chase through tornado alley. I promised the kids that I would wait until they were all graduated from high school. I will do it as wisely as possible and do one of those package deals where you spend time with trained professionals but I want to be out there in it!

My heart and my prayers are with all of those impacted by the hurricanes currently pounding the world. My soul is with the weather people out there braving the storms to report and riding the storms out in bunkers.

Suicide and Survivors

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Haven't we all heard that? I remember writing about it before. Suicide is sometimes, more often than we like to think about, a solution to depression, anxiety, all sorts of mental health disorders. That's a pretty bleak solution. For the survivors left behind, of course, but also to those living with these disorders. I do wonder, a lot, about all the things my sister has missed. She never met her granddaughter. She never saw her son in his ROTC uniform. She never saw her daughter graduate from high school. She wasn't there when her niece left for culinary school. She wasn't there to tell her niece that it was all going to be okay and that she would survive her hospitalization.

Here's the thing about being a survivor of suicide...you don't always feel like a survivor. You're here dealing with the world and life and you might be having your own suicidal thoughts and you feel guilt and anxiety and you feel like somehow you've managed to let the entire world down. Doesn't feel much like surviving.

The scary thing about being a survivor of suicide...you realize that you can't actually save someone from taking their life. You watch your daughter become suicidal and you hear her pain and you hear her say that she doesn't want to live and you know that you will do anything, ANYTHING, in your power to save her. You know that ANYTHING isn't always enough. You know that no matter what you do, say, or feel, it may not be enough.

In the past few weeks I've been connected with two suicides. It makes me hurt so much for their families. It makes me hurt so much for them. It makes me want to reach out to their families and just tell them that their loved one's life mattered. It did! In big ways and small ways. I know that they know that, I just want them to know that other people know that too.

The other thing it does...it terrifies me for my family. It terrifies me that there is such a thin line between finding resources for my own child to burying my own child. I may sound a little dramatic here but I'm not. I know that we will do everything WE can to save her life. Will she do the same?

When you see someone lose the war, it's devastating. When you fight the battles, or someone you love fights the battles, it's absolutely terrifying to hear that someone else lost the war. Every single day can seem like a battle to someone with depression and anxiety.

love u 2

Actually, it's <3 u 2 but the heading won't let me save it like that.

The last text I got from my sister. It's tattooed on my wrist. It serves two purposes. 1) It writes love on my arms and 2) I forever have it with me.

"Call me if you need anything."
"I will."
"I love you sis."
"Love you too sissy."

The last conversation I had with her.

It's been almost five years since I heard her voice; almost five years since I got my last text from her.

The medical eximaner said she died between 9:00 am and 12:00 pm. I talked to her at 8:30 am. I was on my way to work. She left a full cup of coffee and the coffee pot still turned on. I think it probably wasn't long after I got off the phone with her that she died.

I have some peace in knowing that the last phone conversation, probably the last conversation that she had, was one full of love and support. She knew we were here. She knew we loved her.

I carry her phone with me. It's always in my purse, no matter which purse I have, no matter where I go. I always have that one solid thing that was her with me.

I knew she was gone when the school called and said Rey hadn't been picked up. I knew she was gone for 30 minutes before I heard the words that I never wanted to hear. I knew before I was even told. I could feel it. Or rather, I couldn't feel her alive anymore.

When I was told she was gone, I screamed. I went through many moments of belief and disbelief in a short amount of time that seemed to last forever. I told people that she wasn't really dead. That there was a mistake. That she would be fine. I yelled at the firetrucks that turned the other way that they needed to get to her. Even then I knew she was gone.

When I saw her on the gurney, I told her to stop messing around. I told her to get up. I told her this wasn't funny anymore and she needed to get up. Then I begged her to please get up. I begged her to please not be gone. Even then I knew she was gone.

Son Hugs

I called Trey into the kitchen.

"Give me a hug"

"Ok"

"Tighter please"

"Ok...ummmm...mom, are you okay?"

"Yep, just glad you can give me a hug."

I begged my Ariez, my non-driving son, to please be safe when he's with friends. Please always wear a seatbelt and please don't ever take away my chance to give him a big hug at the end of the day.

My heart hurts for the momma that will never get to hug her 16 year old baby again. I cannot imagine that kind of loss. He went to school and never came back. It happens every day. It happens all over the world. I don't want to ever have to feel that.

So I pray for the momma of the 16 year old boy that didn't come home Wed. I pray for the family that got the worst phone call of their lives Wed. I pray for the friends that will never see him smile or hear his laugh ever again.

I pray for the other families that have been impacted by the accident that happened Wed. At least five families that will never be the same after being a part of something so sad and terrifying.

Jax

Steve saw Jax online first. He was featured on the news and we knew if we weren't there first thing in the morning, someone else would surely come scoop him up.

G and I were waiting in the parking lot before they even opened. We were the first people there. When someone else pulled into the lot, we got out of the van and went to wait at the still locked doors.

As soon as they opened, we told them who we were there to see. While we were waiting to be shown a room, the guy that pulled into the lot after us said "I'm here to see Jax." The lady told him that we were already there to look at him but he was welcome to wait.

We sat patiently in the room and they brought this beast of a dog into the room. He still had on his cone of shame from being fixed. He looked into my eyes and I knew he had to be ours. He was patient and loving and sweet and so we called Steve and he came from work to look at him. I wanted to make sure that this was really our dog and the only way to do that, and not be blamed later for getting a bad dog, was for Steve to come check him out.

An hour later, G, Jax, and I were headed home.

We walked into the house and A was TERRIFIED. Like crying terrified. He had been attacked by a big dog once and he wanted nothing to do with him. G took Jax outside and I took A's hand and asked him to trust me. I told him that I would not let anyone or anything hurt him and if Jax wasn't nice to him, then Jax would have to go.

I knew that there was a chance that this could go wrong. If A got hurt by the new dog, he may never trust me again. I prayed that God would show this little boy that he could trust us. That we would protect him. I prayed that God would allow Jax and A to become buds and I prayed that if this went right, A would know he could count on us.

That was on a Saturday. By Tuesday, A had a new best friend. Thank you God!

The Seizure

I want to start this story with the update that the neurologist called last night to let us know that the EEG done yesterday came back completely normal. Ariez has great brain function and there is no reason to think that will be more seizures in the future. They believe that his seizure was a reaction to a medication and that since he is no longer taking that med, he should not have a repeat. We are not in the complete clear for 4 more months, but all signs are pointing towards the good.

Now...on June 24th, I was home for lunch. Ariez and friend were upstairs in Trey's room playing video games. I was getting up to put my stuff away and head back to work when I heard a horrible crash and thumping sounds. I thought they were fighting and I was mad because my kids don't physically fight and I wasn't about to start having it now!

As I headed to the stairs to tell the boys this, the friend came running down. "I think Ariez is having a seizure," a panicked 16 year child tells me.

I ran upstairs and there, admidst the mess of teenage boys, was my son shaking uncontrollably. I yelled for my phone and called 9-1-1 and sat there with my hand on his back.

The seizure lasted for 5-7 minutes and was one of the scariest moments of my life. He stopped shaking and just laid there. Deathly still for another 2 minutes. He wasn't responding to my touch or the sounds of my voice. The 9-1-1 operator asked me if there was anything near that he could hurt me or himself with when he woke up. He said, "sometimes they're combative when they wake up and we don't want anyone to get hurt."

Ariez came to and just sat very dazed. He did ask me where the knife was. There was no knife. The EMT's got here and took over. He got very combative with them and tried to run away. They ended up having to restrain him.

When we got the hospital and were able to see him, the first thing he said was, "those guys tried to kidnap me." He didn't remember me being there telling him that things were okay. That must have been super scary for him. He also said, "ummm...I threw up on them." I told him that was an excellent self-defense move.

We are so thankful that he is okay. We are really looking forward to being able to completely say that he is fine. Thank you God, and all our prayer warriors, for watching out for us!

Always Move Forward

I was reminded tonight that what someone else thinks of me doesn't really matter. I needed that reminder. I AM smart, loving, caring, hard working, passionate, professional, loyal, and a whole bunch of other things.

I am NOT what someone else thinks (not anyone in particular, just people in life). I never have been and I never will be. That is NOT my story.

And so I will carry on and move to the next chapter of my story.

I want to say that if my work at the CAC has inspired to you to be more educated about child abuse and child sexual abuse, please conntinue to be inspired. I certainly am! If my work at the CAC has encouraged you to donate and support the CAC, PLEASE continue to do so! I will be! They need it! The kids need it! The staff needs it! It's such a great, worthy cause and fight!

My passion for the work being done at the Child Advocacy Center is never-ending. I will be forever grateful that part of my story includes being able to support the work (and the staff) being done there. I will be forever touched by the friends that I made there and the uplifting of support that I was given there. I am truly blessed to have had such an opportunity.

So, as "Pop" says to Luke Cage, "forward...always..."

My Aging Eyes

I didn't start out feeling old. I didn't think turning 40 would be a big deal. Then it got closer and I was a little put off by the idea. Then I turned 40 and it was fine. It's weird to think about. It's weird to say I'm 40. I didn't feel old.

Then I went to the eye doctor. No biggie, I go often enough that this shouldn't be a big deal.

And then she said it...this wonderfully nice optometrist that I had never done anything to. "I think it's time to start talking about bifocals."

I said, "but I just turned 40...".

She said, "yep, that's about the time we usually start talking about bifocals."

So...now I have bifocals. They are taking some adjusting to. I don't love them. I am not sure I hate them. In fact, I've noticed that while I'm working, they actually help. The rest of the time, they are not as helpful as I move my head up and down and side to side just trying to find the exact right position where everything is clear.

Nobody can tell by looking at them that my eyes have somehow aged. But I know. I know that my eyes have betrayed me and gotten older.

Ariez

About a week ago, 17 years ago, I got a phone call very late in the night (possibly early morning). Anitra was telling me that she was in the hospital (Good Sam in Kearney) and that her water broke. I thought she was messing me with. She wasn't due until AFTER I was due in November. It was August. I was pregnant and tired. She insisted that she was telling me the truth and that I needed to get to the hospital. 

So I went...and so her water really HAD broken and she really was trying to have this baby boy WAY too early. They wanted to heliport her to Omaha where they were more equipped to deal with this incredibly early labor but the weather was not cooperating. They gave her meds to stop her labor and put her on the ambulance. Terrified. We were all terrified. I called an OB nurse friend and she said "prepare for the worst. Babies born this early (24 weeks) don't make it." 

We prepared for the worst and prayed for the best. The doctors put her on bedrest and they tried as hard as possible to stall delivery as long as possible. 

On August 8th, at 25 weeks gestation, Ariez Dupree Huddleston came into the world. He weighed 1 lb., 13 oz. He was 13 inches long. 

Tomorrow, he turns 17 years old. It hasn't always been an easy journey. There were days it appeared that he wasn't going to make it. He didn't come home until November. He still had to fight. He didn't want to eat (he still doesn't really love to eat), so he fought some more. 

Ares is the god of war. He could not have been given a more perfect name. He has shown amazing strength and resilence in his life. He has won the war for life and if there was a battle for our hearts, he would have won it has well. 

Ariez, we loved you before you were born and will love you until we die. You are force to be reckoned with and we are incredibly proud of the man you are becoming. We celebrate you, not only on August 8th, but everyday because we love you and are blessed to be your parents. I can't wait to see how you win the next 17 years. 

Summer Update

I always have these grand visions of being better at posting...maybe some day...right now I'm too busy living this incredibly insane, busy life we have. My position in life right now is just busy. We have 3 teenagers and one almost teenager in the house. It is supposed to be busy. I wouldn't have it any other way, even on the days that I'm exhausted and complaining...:)

So for now...a recap of summer break and status update...

Tai is doing her internship (which the school calls an extern) in Nantucket, MA. She is working at the Greydon House and is having an amazing experience. She has been greeted by a Kardashian (Kourtney), cooked for several VIP's (including a Kennedy!), and had one of her plated dishes photographed for a magazine. She has visited a really cool whaling museum and I'm told she's going to the beach this weekend. She will be there until the end of September and then classes resume in Hyde Park on October 3rd. 

Ariez just survived his first season of detasseling! He worked his butt off! Up every morning at 4:00 and most days he wasn't home until at least 3:00. He was super excited to get his first paycheck and looking really forward to the final one that should have a bonus on it. Steve and I are super proud of his hard work. His goal for the summer was to get his learner's permit but a seizure in June halted those plans as he hasn't been cleared to drive yet. He's doing just fine and they think it's possible that the seizure was caused by a new medication he was on. SUPER SCARY but glad he's ok. He'll be 17 next week and we are excited to see what his junior year has in store for him. 

Treyson has plugged away at HyVee all summer. He'll keep his job when school starts and will be a junior at zoo school. He's a pretty quiet one and we don't see a whole lot of him. He's been hanging out with friends and working. It's all good because as long as he's working, he keeps paying off the car we bought for him. Ha! He's actually been really helpful in transportation this summer and Genevieve has really appreciated him running her and her friends around while mom and dad are working. 

Genevieve has had a pretty busy summer! First was camp with the church youth group. She was gone for a week to Maranatha Bible Camp. She has such a great experience and relationship with her group. That was followed by her favorite holiday, the 4th of July. She saves her money and buys a ton of fun stuff. This year we all learned the importance of safety with a minor explosion that had the entire street running. :) Then there was detasseling. She figured out pretty quickly that the corn is not her home away from home. It's okay though, she's still young and has a lot of time. Plus, she still has her dog clean-up business and even has another client! G is pretty anxious about school starting but I feel like we've had some great planning and that 8th grade is going to be over before we know it. 

Reyanne is bored and ready for school to start! She is a social butterfly all the way through and being home for the summer is not as fun for her. She is super excited to start 6th grade. She did start the middle school youth group at church this morning and that has been really fun for her. She also has dance and she enjoys that too. A couple of her close friends live pretty close so she's been spreading her wings more and meets them at the high school ball fields to hang out. She didn't go to Minnesota this summer but we tried to have fun! 

Somehow the summer has just about passed us! Lots of sleepovers, lots of grilling out. Lots of noise. :)

The Swimsuit

Steve and I are leaving for Cancun in 20 days. It's a surprise trip for our 16th wedding anniversary.

I've made multiple lists of all the things I need to do before this trip. We have our passports. We have arrangements made for the kids. We have emergency phone numbers, consents to treat. We have luggage. Our wills have been updated.

I'm a list person. I have checked things off of the lists, made new lists, checked things off the new lists.

Except one thing.

The dreaded swimsuit. Look, I'm a plus-sized girl. If I had known a year ago that I needed to be in a bathing suit for 4 days, I still would not want to shop for a swimsuit. I have looked online, I have looked in stores, I have asked trusted plus-sized friends. I'm telling you...the swimsuit makers do not want chubby girls in swimsuits.

My fabulous friend said, "I think that means they want us to be naked at the beach." I love you friend. You make me giggle.

The struggle is real. If you are a plus-sized girl, you know. If you are not a plus-sized girl. Check it out. Check out the selection and difference in prizes for your swimsuit vs. the cost of a plus-sized girl suit.

Rest assured, I will not be at the beach and pool naked. I also will not be posting any swimsuit pics. You're welcome.

Oh also, I'm kind of, sort of, terrified of the ocean...

It's Okay to Be Angry

It's okay to be angry.

It's okay to be angry with someone who has died.

It's okay to be angry with someone who you love very much.

It's okay to be angry with someone you love very much who has died.

It's hard.

It's hard to be angry with someone you love very much.

It's harder to be angry with them when they've died.

It's okay to be angry.