My Sister

The story goes that before I was born, my sister was not excited about having me come into the world. That all changed the day my mother didn't bring me home from the hospital. Anitra was angry. She wanted her baby. From the day I came home, we were together. I was her baby, her bestie, her sissy, and she mine.

I have memories of being little and doing fun things with her. She was my hero. She wasn't afraid of anything then. She was my best friend. I remember bouncing up and down the stairs to The Oakridge Boy's Elvira. I remember her teaching me how to "shave" and the massive thumb cut. I remember hiding in the upstairs window that overlooks the street because we had done something that would make April or mom mad. I remember her telling me it was okay to pee in the bathtub as long as you poured Hydrogen Peroxide in it. I remember her rarely taking time to think things through, just jumping in head first and hoping the water was deep enough.

I remember being really excited about seeing my daddy but being really sad at the same time that my sister wasn't coming with us. For 4 years, as far as my memory serves, this girl was my world.

We didn't grow up together much after that. I'm not going into that all because that's not what this story is about. We saw each other, we got in more trouble together, we planned and plotted and there was a large period of time that I just missed her.

When I was 19 years old and living own my own, she called me. She was pregnant and living on the streets in Omaha and without a thought, I went and picked her up and moved her in with me. She was my sissy. I found her a doctor, I found her a job. She was my sissy. She had Rythm and I was with her. Oh how we laughed. There were disagreements, of course there were. She was NUTS and I was...I think her words were pushy and bossy. Did I mention she was nuts?? :)

I had to move to MS. I couldn't take her with me. That broke my heart. I think it broke hers too. She got in trouble again. She moved around. I wouldn't take her collect call from jail on my birthday. She got me back for that and for the rest of my birthdays with her she would call and say she was calling collect. I would yell "I don't take collect calls on my birthday!" and then I would hang up on her. She'd call back and we'd both just laugh!

We both lived in Kearney again. One of the stories I tell the kids is about one time that she did something and I said something stupid about it. She got really angry and blocked me from being able to call her. I was devastated. I cried and cried. I missed my sister. Two weeks went by and she showed up at my place. I was shocked and glad at the same time. She came in all pissed off because I hadn't called her IN FOREVER. I said, "you have blocked my number! What the hell is wrong with you?" She started laughing because she had totally forgotten that she had blocked me. I had to tell her why she had blocked me and when I did she said, "that's stupid." That was my sister.

While we lived in Minden, I didn't see Anitra for awhile. I think it was a little over a year. It made me so sad but she had cut us out and I didn't follow or try to stop her from doing it. She was going through some hard stuff and didn't want us to go through it with her. I know it was heart-breaking for me and I'm sure it was hard for her not to have me. At least that's what I will always tell myself. :)

We accidentally ran into each other again on April Fool's Day of all times. It was like nothing had happened. There was not a gap of time for either of us. We went right back to whatever it was we were. We laughed, fought, thought each other was ridiculous. Mostly we laughed. Phone calls multiple times a day. It was like the "you're my new best friend, call me every 15 minutes" kind of thing. We moved to Lincoln shortly there after and shortly after that, Anitra moved to Lincoln. We all lived together as long as we could.

There are so many funny stories I could write about. I might write some more of those. There are a lot of sad stories to tell also. I might write some of those sometime too.

People talk about "soul mates". I think mine was Anitra. We filled in each other's blanks. She began where I ended and vice versa. She was the fun one, while I handled all the serious stuff. She was the "crazy" one,while I made sure everyone had their stuff with them. I told her where people needed to be and she got them there.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone like that in their life. Steve used to call us both his wives. He was the "technical" handyman and she was the one who could "fix" anything with duct tape and super glue. Heck, she helped pick out and pay for his wedding ring! He didn't know that one until just recently. She was the one I would say "tell Steve I want..." She would call me and say "what are we doing for Steve" for Christmas, birthday, mostly Father's Day. She was his fishing buddy. She took the kids to the pool and I made sure they had sunscreen.

I haven't "forgotten" all the bad times. I just choose not to focus on them. I don't pretend like everything was always wonderful. We were a family and she was mentally-ill for a very long time. I haven't shaded those parts away. There were some really tough times. There were really frustrating times. There were "I want to strangle" you times. There was a lot of crap. Hers and mine.

She was mine though. I felt like I was hers. She was my sister, my soul mate, my best friend, my constant companion, that one person that you could tell absolutely anything to and know that you weren't being judged.

Words cannot express how much I miss her. Words cannot express the sadness and pain I have without her. I keep waiting for someone to tell me this nightmare is over. I keep waiting for her to call, well text, me and to hear her start laughing because she really pulled one over on me this time. I would have given anything to have her call me collect this year on my birthday. I would give anything to see her smile and laugh at me for something.

I don't think I'm "stuck", I think I'm just still healing. I don't think I'll ever feel whole again. I have been told that I will feel better, and some days I do, but I don't think I'll ever feel the same as I did. I don't think it will ever not hurt. I miss her and I want her back. I know that wanting her back is selfish, but I still want her back. I go through the days saying "I'm ok and I'm fine" so often that I think someday I'll believe it. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I don't think I ever would have been.