A Car

She did it! She worked hard, she saved her money, and this weekend she bought her first car! She's the first kiddo to do buy her own car.

Way to go T! We are VERY proud of you! We know it hasn't always been easy but you've stuck through it and you are now reaping the rewards.

She knew always growing up that we were never going to be able to just give her a car. I think it stung a little when some friends were just given a car. I think it probably stings a little knowing that she has to work when so many of her friends don't have to. I think working is important. I don't want work to be more important than school but you need to know that in life, you have to work for things. It's frustrating to watch those around you have it "easier" but I'm not sure it is easier. So many lessons are being learned by being out there working for your things.

So she bought a 1994 Mercedes Benz C280. It seems to be a great little car. I would be pretty jealous if it weren't 21 years old. I pray that this will be a good car for her. I pray that it will teach her all the good lessons and that it will be a good investment.

Beggy Prayers

"It's a little late for beggy prayers. It's time to trust and surrender."

I was sitting in my van checking out fb with lots on my mind. I came across a "story" on another's page. She said she was sitting on the side of the road praying for God to let her car start and she remembered her pastor told her that "once you step on the plane, it's a little late for beggy prayers. It's time to trust and surrender."

Oh wow how true that is in my world. It IS too late for beggy prayers. That doesn't mean I'm not going to keep sending them up. Mostly, it reminds me that even better than beggy prayers are trust and surrender.

I am a person of great faith. I know my God is real and I know that He is there and that He will provide. I pray a lot. I know that I am trying to walk a path that He has put me on this Earth to walk.

I don't surrender enough. It's not because I don't want to. I have issues. We all do. One of mine is surrendering. I need to be reminded to surrender to His will and that if this is the path I'm on, that the purpose of it is His will.

Trust and surrender don't mean that I don't have control. It means that I will go where I am led. It means that I choose to let Him take the lead and show me the way and put me where I need to be.

Anyway...today I read exactly what I needed to read, exactly when I was meant to read it.

I pray to always remember to trust and surrender. Maybe then I'll have less "beggy prayers."

xxoo

And Baby Makes 9

No, not me.That ship has long sailed. R will be bestowing us with the gift of our first grand baby in Sept.

Excitement, nervousness, astonishment, sadness, amazement, blessed, loved...feeling all of those things.

Just to get it out of the way...OF COURSE we had hoped that this would happen later in R's life. Of course there are concerns, real and serious concerns. Of course we know how hard having a baby can make life. Of course we all want what is best for momma and baby. Of course, of course, of course...to all of it. Trust me, the tears have fallen, the hard conversations have been had, the prayers go up every single day. Now...that's out of the way...

Now...

Our family is expanding! There is going to be a baby! R is going to be a momma! The kids are going to be aunts and uncles. I am going to be a Nana and Steve is going to be a Poppa (or an Uncle Grandpa for those Adventure Time loving friends I have)!

This morning I got to see this beautiful baby. I remember the first time I saw R on the ultrasound. There is something very surreal about seeing one of your babies see their baby on an ultrasound. It's hard to put into words. It's so amazing and wonderful and beautiful. Wiped one tear as I watched R wipe a few. Truly a beautiful moment.

Strong heartbeat of 158. Baby measures at 11w6d. Due date of Sept 17.

I feel like there is so much more I could write but want to keep the announcement shorter so I'll share more on other feelings later.

xxoo

Labels

This week, one of my kiddos was called a name at school. It happens. Kids call each other names and feelings get hurt. It's truly a part of life. The school handled the situation well and the child apologized and life goes on.

Yesterday, this same kiddo came to me very embarrassed because she had gotten in trouble. She told me she called another kid in class a name. The school again handled the situation well. She apologized to the student and life went on.

As I'm talking to this kiddo, she tells me that she called the child gay. She has no idea why this is hurtful because she didn't say it to be mean. She wasn't making fun of him. She saw him hugging another boy and so she said he was gay. She did apologize because it hurt his feelings. She did feel bad because it hurt his feelings. She just doesn't understand why it hurt his feelings.

Her calling him gay wasn't a bad thing in her mind, because being gay isn't a bad thing. It makes a lot of sense when you put yourself in her shoes. We recoil because we know that a lot of people think it's bad to be gay. She didn't even think it was mean because we've taught her that it's not bad to be gay.

We have explained that friends can hug friends. Boys can hug boys and girls can hug girls and it doesn't mean they are gay. Boys can hug girls, girls can hug boys and it can just mean they are friends. Especially at the age that they are.

So we talked about labels and we talked about not writing on another person's name tag. We talked about labels that are okay to call someone; friend, buddy, fun, etc...We talked about labels that aren't okay to call someone, not because being that is bad but because we don't want to put that name tag on them.

Steve commented that things are a lot more complicated now then when we were growing up. I agree. We will just keep learning love. We will just keep teaching love.

Almost Time

On the 9th, my boys leave for a week in Washington, DC. They are getting really excited. I think they will be so glad that the day is finally here because then I won't be able to "give them instruction" anymore about how they need act, what they need to do, how to stay safe, going over the rules. All the things that make me a mom.

I am getting really excited and REALLY nervous. T went when she was 14 and while I was a little nervous, it was different. She had been away from me before, not that I liked it but it wasn't as scary. She had flown before, by herself even. The boys don't seem as old at 14 as T was. Not because they aren't mature, but because they are forever in my mind as this little boys. 

My boys have never been away from me for that long before. My boys have never flown and they will be doing that for the first time without me. They will be in a huge city in a very far away place and I won't really know what they are doing or when or why. It's so unsettling. I'm always there to tell them to go to bed and brush their teeth and shower. They probably still really need me to do that for them, right?! 

I know they are going to have a blast. I know that this is going to be a great learning experience for them. I am so glad that they are able to go and experience this. I know that they will not be as clean as I want them to be. I know they won't eat the foods that I want them to. I know that they will waste some of their money on junk. I know that's all a part of this experience for them. 

I will miss them. I will worry about them. I will be in a constant state of prayer that week. I will be glad when they are back home safely. 

I am so glad they have the opportunity to go. 

No More Meds

In January I saw the dermatologist who was able to do a biopsy and determine that the awful, spreading rash was an allergic reaction to my lithium.

I had seen two doctor's prior to that. The first one was not at all concerned and barely looked at it. Told me to take benadryl. The second doctor was at Urgent Care and she, without really looking at the rash, told me I had really bad eczema. Told me it was the worst that she had seen but told me to buy expensive lotion and a list of other eczema related advice. 

Two weeks later, it was beyond any kind of itching that I could imagine. I don't think I could have itched more had I rolled my naked body in a patch of poison ivy!

The dermatologist did a biopsy and determined it was a "drug eruption." The only drug I'd taken that was new, and the rash started around the same time as the drug started, was lithium. I'd had the rash since late October. This was now January. It had only gotten worse and was spreading. 

So there went yet another drug that was managing my mental health. I had huge success with lithium in stabilizing everything. I was able to go off of my anti-depressant and I was even sleeping! 

I am now on round two of a steroid regimen. Hopefully that will kick it. If not, I'll see a doctor who specializes in allergies and somehow, someway we will survive this rash. 

For the time being, we've decided that we are going to try to manage my mental health without meds. The doc doesn't seem completely hopeful that this will work but she's willing to work with us. The withdrawal process was awful. The spiraling from meds to no meds was awful. 

Some days I can see why she's not so hopeful. Some days I think it would just be a lot easier to go back on the meds. Most days, I'm glad I'm not on them. Most days, I can see where all this is going. Most days, that's ok.

No matter what happens, it will be a journey. The one that I'm meant to be on right now in my life. I will learn something from all of it, other than new things that I'm allergic too! I'm learning. It's all a process. I am hopeful that not being medicated works. We have a plan in place if it doesn't. 

Bananas

This morning in my news feed there were two separate articles from two separate sites. The topic today was bananas.

The first article was telling us that we should eat bananas. We should eat bananas every day and it went on and on about the health benefits of eating these wonderful yellow things.

The second article was telling us that we should NOT eat bananas. Eating bananas has potentially bad side effects for our health. The article talked about how these little evil yellow things could actually be doing more harm than good.

I read an article the other day telling us how precisely to eat a banana. That you could actually eat a banana the wrong way and lose any of the good things that bananas have in them.

WHAT?!?!

My head is confused and as I tried to figure out what it all meant this morning I realized that this is exactly like everything else out there! Someone somewhere is going to tell you not to do what you think is good for you and someone else is going to tell you that very same thing is the best thing for you. How in the world are we supposed to keep it all straight?

We're not. There is no way to. We have to use common sense and gut feelings and make these some of these decisions ourselves.

As much as I wish I could say that the bananas were code word for life, or any number of other really important things, it's not. The articles really were about bananas.

So good luck out there as you figure out whether or not to eat the bananas, or not to eat the bananas, and if you are going to eat them, good luck figuring out when and where and how.

Just ERG!

Remember how excited I was about life happening right now, yesterday? Well...bah-hum-bug!!

Today I'd prefer the safety and comfort of my pajamas and bed. Although, if it gets warm at all today, I'm sure my room will start taking on the melting snow water and that will not feel like a safe place either.

Yep...total "Eeyore" going on here right now.

Today I want to say "screw it"..."what's the point"..."why am I trying so hard to stay balanced"..."get out of my FACE"...All of these thoughts, and more, have gone through my mind at more than one point today and it's not even noon.

Okay, perspective...this day CAN turn around. I have stood in the file room and prayed to handle this situation with a good Christian attitude. Maybe I should have prayed for a volcano to erupt in the middle of NE. Both ideas seem like a possibility and not bad solution to the day.

An advisor I work with says, "every day is a picnic, some days just have more ants than others."

So on that note, apparently days like this is are also life just happening, right now.

Life is Happening

Life is HAPPENING! All around me. Some of it I'm ready for and some of it I'm not but it's going to just keep happening so I better just live it!

I'm scheduling senior pictures for my first-born of me, and preparing in other ways for other things I never could have imagined. Some of it is so overwhelming and some of it just seems so natural.

Twenty years ago, I never could have imagined my life like this. I didn't do everything I was going to do but I did things I never thought I would do. I have lived things, and survived things, that I never could have imagined, or wanted to imagine.

Garth says "my life is better left to chance. I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance." This dance that he's talking about...oh wow! It's not all great but when you're really living it, it's worth it.

It doesn't mean I'm happy with everything. It just means that I'm just going to love my people and live my life. It means I'm going to have good days and really ugly, bad days. It means I'm going to cry and laugh, sometimes all at the same time. There are days that the basement is going to flood and there will be days we get popcorn for dinner.

I have been blessed with all this...life. It's been a ride for sure. I made a lot of mistakes and made a lot of really good choices. I have done a lot and there is so much more to do!

The Concert

Garth Brooks was...just wow. I can't really put it into words. I've tried for the last couple days to describe the experience that was his concert and I am struggling to find the words.

It really is so much more than a concert. It's an absolute experience. There was a concert at 7:00 and one at 10:30. We had the 10:30 tickets. The 7:00 concert went long so we waited outside, in 34 degree weather, until about 10:45 when they finally let us in. We were cold, wind blown, and had numb feet but it was all worth it.

He took the stage at midnight and didn't stop playing until almost 3:00 am. He gave 3 encores. He played his old stuff, the stuff that made him the star that he is. He only did 3 of his new songs. When he did the new songs, he put the words up on the screen so we could all sing along.

Trisha came out. She did a couple of songs. One of their back-up singers, who has this beyond amazing voice, did a number. He stood in proud support, and back up vocals, of both of them. He kissed his wife and you could feel their love.

Garth laughed with the crowd. He encouraged us, well demanded really, that we sing along. He never tried to outdo the crowd. He became a part of the crowd. He knew we'd all stood outside in the cold waiting to see him and he delivered to us like it was it was his first concert of a tour and not his second of the night.

One of the coolest things about Garth is that when he opens his mouth to sing, he sounds EXACTLY like his albums. He actually sounds better live than he does recorded. We've seen a lot of performers and they're not all like that. If you closed your eyes, it'd be hard to tell which was live and which was recorded. Except that with the live version, you feel this energy that is so hard to describe.

Someone asked me what my favorite song was that he did. I can't pick. I really can't. Each song felt like "THE BEST". Every time he'd start a song, I'd say to Steve "omg...I love this song!" "The Thunder Rolls" gave me goosebumps, "The Dance" made me cry, "The River" took me back to my high school graduation. Hearing Garth sing "hello Samantha dear I hope you're feeling fine..." (Callin' Baton Rouge) was...beyond cool...

So...apparently, I could the concernt into some words. It truly was an amazing experience and I would love to see him again and again.

The Size of A Fist

Here is a sample of a pretty common conversation at our house...

Child: "I love you mom."
Me: "I love you too."
Child: "I love you more."
Me: "My fist is bigger, so my heart is bigger, so I love you MORE."

(Known fact: The human heart is roughly the size of a fist.)

Last night's conversation...

Genna: "I love you mom."
Me: "I love you too Genna."
Genna: "I love you more mom. AND my hand is bigger than yours (it is!) and so my fist is bigger and so I love you MORE." 
Me: "How can your hands have possibly gotten bigger than mine. I still love you more because I'm the mom."

This has been on my mind all day. My kids grew. Their legs grew, their feet grew, their arms grew, and yes, even their hands grew. Some of the kids have outgrown me. Some of the kids are close to outgrowing me. Some of the kids will outgrow me someday. Some of them won't. 

My love grew too. I didn't know I could love them more than the day I first met them. Much like I didn't know that meeting them would make my love for them grow more than it was when I carried them in my womb. It's a love that grows every day, even when I don't like what they are doing. 

Thank you "google" because I needed a way to combat this "heart is bigger" business and I didn't know exactly how to explain to them that I would always love them more. It's a love that I can't even really explain to myself. Well for now I'm safe because according to Google, "a child's heart is roughly the size of a fist. An adults heart is roughly the size of TWO fists!" 

So for now...

Mom: "I love YOU more because according to google, MY heart is twice the size of yours."