To Each of My Children

When I write to each of my children, I am counting the ones that I was fortunate to give birth to and to the ones I have been blessed with by the gift my sister gave to me. Being given that gift has changed me. It has allowed me to know a different type of mother's love. It has taught me about sacrifice. It is absolutely possible to love children that I did not carry in me just as much as the ones I have. It's an amazing gift and I am honored to have each of my children in my life and to be given the ability to show them as much unconditional love as I can. I say these things to each of my children, whether they like me or not, whether they think that I love them or not, whether they live in our home or not.

So here goes...

To each of you, I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know and more than I can possibly say. I love you when I'm mad at you. I love you when you get bad grades. I love you when you don't like me. I love you when I'm disappointed in the choices you have made. I love you just as much when you do well. I love you just as much when you get good grades. I love you just as much when you say you love me and treat me with respect. I am honored to be your mom and I am honored to be "playing your mom during this show." (That one was for Ariez)

Loving you is not something I do lightly. I do it with every breath I take. I do it when I sleep and when I work and when I play. Loving you is something I do when I'm with you and when I'm not with you. Loving you is sometimes all I know how to do. Loving you is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed. Loving you has given me the strength to face my darkest demons.

I want for you the best that life has to give. I want you to reach your goals, no matter how big or small they may be. I will absolutely make mistakes. I will absolutely make decisions regarding what I think is best for you. I will do things that you disagree with. I will disagree with you, but I will respect you.

I love you enough to want to keep you safe. That means that I am tasked with making decisions about things that you think I have no right to decide. It means that I will protect you at all costs, even if that protection is from yourself. That means that you will not always like the decisions that I make. I will try to always protect you from people I believe are harmful to you. You will not always feel threatened by those people, which will make those choices harder for me to make, but I will still make those choices. I will do my best by you and I will do my best by Anitra when I make decisions. I will make decisions that my sister, your aunt and your mother, was not able to make.

I will pray about the choices I make. I will ask others for help in making choices that I can't make on my own. I will consult doctors and counselors and teachers and anyone else that I have to consult to make the best choices for your present and future.

You will come to a point in your childhood and early adulthood that you will think that you are old enough to make all decisions on your own. I will guide you in those choices. I will step in when I need to protect you from those choices. I will let you make mistakes in those decisions so that you will know how to make the right decision next time.

I will make choices that you do not like. I make them out of love for you even when you think otherwise.

I will ALWAYS be here for you, even when you don't think you need me and even when you don't want me to be. I will ALWAYS love you, even when you don't think you deserve it and even when you think you don't need it.

I promise to you that there is nothing you can do that will make me not love you. I promise to you that there is nothing you can say or do to me that will make me love you less. I promise to you that I do not love any one of you more than the other. I promise to you that there is nothing in this life that we cannot get through together. I promise to you that there is no problem that would make me turn my back on you.

I love you all. I pray that you will feel that love from me in your darkest hours.I pray that you will feel that love if you are in the same room or in a different state. I pray that you wherever you are, you will feel and know the love that I have for you. I pray that you will, in time, learn that the decisions that I make and that I will have to make in the future, come from my love for you.