BS 5 - Upper GI

 I didn't look up the weather before leaving the house at 8:00 am last Thursday. I don't typically think about the weather being much different in Omaha than in Lincoln. If I had, I would have gotten nervous much sooner than when the snow started blowing across the interstate. GPS took me off the interstate for a little bit because of an accident that had completely stopped traffic. I went through Bellevue and Papillion. While sliding through the intersection to get onto the highway was no fun, I am still glad for the detour because it allowed me to go at much slower speeds and much less traffic.

Anyway, I arrived at UNMC safe and sound and even found my way with (almost) ease to the correct department! The receptionists were not professional or good but that's a story for another day. I got changed and the X-ray techs were very kind and calming. 

Stand against the platform, drink in the left hand, and drink when told to. Easy enough! Except for that awful, awful thick barium. Oh wow. Not as bad as the drink for the colonoscopy but eww! The doctor asked if it was the texture or the taste. Both. I gagged several times. I can't even remember how many swallows of it I had to take but it was truly gross. 

Then they have this tiny cup of water. They add a packet of something that makes it fizzy and tell you to "shoot" it. It didn't taste bad at all but the bubbles are a shock to the system. Oh, this will create bubbles, that's what it's designed to do but "try not to burp." Noted...I tried. 

Next, I leaned back and the table laid me onto my back, and was told to roll "slowly, like a log". This is designed to coat your stomach with the wonderful barium you just drank. A few pictures were taken, and a few pauses so I didn't actually lose my non-existent breakfast. Only to be told that my stomach was not emptying the way that it should. She asked me about my favorite food. She said that sometimes just talking about food makes your stomach empty. It didn't. 

Back to the upright position. Back to the chair for a 10-minute break to allow my stomach to empty. Ten minutes later, the doctor returned and we were mostly good to go. She got the pictures that she needed and then I got to have another drink. This one was less thick and had a very slight strawberry taste. The really cool thing about this drink was when she told me to swallow, I could watch the machine and see the liquid going through my esophagus. I love that stuff! Anyway, the drink was better but not good. 

I have a small hernia. It doesn't appear to be causing many issues and will most likely be repaired when I have WLS. Also, they noted a "possible gastric emptying abnormality" as there was still food from over 10 hours ago in my stomach. 

Next up, thanks to the results of the Upper GI, I have a nuclear medicine gastric emptying study. At least there will be no barium for that! I get egg whites, toast, and water! 

Downtown Night

 I can't explain it in any other way than to say that it was my mother's intuition. I was home alone at night with the two younger kids. Something just felt off. You weren't due home yet but something felt off. 

I checked the locator app and saw that you were downtown. This is not where you were supposed to be. The locator showed that you were parked. I tried calling you, and calling you, and calling you. No answer. You had previously told us that one of your "plans" included jumping from the top of a parking garage. 

I started panic calling dad. He was in the movie theatre and after about 5 or 6 calls, he answered and I told him my fears. We called your sister, who is closer to downtown than we are. She left to pick up dad from the theatre and get to you. I couldn't leave the house because there was nobody there to watch the little one. I also couldn't get to you in time. 

The officer said, "ma'am, I don't know why but anytime the threat is real, they take off their shoes before they jump. When we got to your kid, the shoes were off. G is safe now."

All of this seemed like it took hours but I know it was probably only minutes. You had called the police so that they would get to your body, not you, just your body. You didn't tell them where you were, just what you were going to do. They found you. They brought you into safety and then took you to the hospital to meet dad there. 

You came home after your evaluation. I was floored that they would let you go but it was decided that the crisis had passed. A couple days later, it was determined that you were still in crisis and that it hadn't passed. You were admitted to the hospital for a brief stay to get you through the crisis. 

It has been over a year since this event. It's been on my mind since your birthday. It came up in a conversation I was having about not being sure if we would make it to your 19th birthday. I thought maybe if I wrote about it, I could let it go. 

Happy Adulthood Gordon

 To my handsome son on his 19th birthday...

I remember so clearly the first time they put you in my arms. I had beautiful visions of the type of mother I would be for you. I had dreams for you to grow and be an amazing human. 

Good news...you made it to adulthood and you ARE an amazing human! I am so excited for that and for you to continue to forge your path through life. Bad news...I haven't always been the mother that I dreamed I would be and I'm sorry for the times that I've let you down. 

Gordon, you have taught me so much that my dreams for you aren't what matters. I mean that in a good way. The dreams that you have for yourself are so much more important! They're also so much better because they're yours! It's been great to watch you find out what those dreams are. 

I know that you struggle to find your place and purpose in this life. You will say, "I never expected to make it to 19 so I don't know what to do!" I want to be honest. The last few years have made me fear that we wouldn't celebrate your 19th birthday. I am beyond joyed that we've made it! 

Your journey to 19 has been plagued with mental health challenges. It's been bumpy and messy but it's a journey that has continued and you've grown and you've tackled these challenges head-on. Even when you've used avoidance, you've still gone through the challenge. There are times that you've tried very hard to not make it this long and so your birthday means something a little different and stronger for me. I have read your "goodbye letters", I've sat with you in the ER after an overdose, woken to have police in the house after a drug overdose, etc. So when your birthday comes, I am reminded how blessed I am to still have you, on your hard days and on your good days. 

I pray that you've looked into the future and thought about what 20 will look like, what 30 will look like, and what every year in between will look like. I don't mean that you have to know what you will be doing, but that you will be alive and have a future. There's no pressure here for you to have it all figured out, just that you WANT to still be here to figure it out. 

To you, my son, my friend (most days :) ), my challenger, I wish you the best of birthdays with hopes, prayers and dreams of many, many more to come. I love you. I will never stop loving you, I will never stop fighting for you when you can't. 

Bariatric 5 - Nutrition Appt

 Friday was my first appointment in Omaha (where I will have surgery). I had a Nutrition class and a blood draw. 

First we will give a huge shout-out to the tech who drew my blood. She used the little needle without having to be told (huge win!) and she didn't necessarily dig but did some squishing around and was able to get the vein to work without having to stick me again. You could tell she was really good at her job. I don't even have a bruise. Anyone that knows me, knows that this is usually the worst part of any appointment because I have little tiny, rolly-poly veins. 

There were no surprises from my blood work. That's good news. My blood sugars were a little high but I wasn't told to fast and had breakfast from BK on my way out of town so...again, no surprises there. 

The Nutrition class was good. It was a lot of information. Some new, mostly reiterations of stuff I already know after having been through just about every weight loss program there is. There will be some changes to what I already know because of the size of my stomach following surgery but nothing super shocking because of all the research I have done. 

Time for the brutally honest parts of the appointments. I spent a super unhealthy portion of the weekend stressed out and overly-anxiously obsessing about food. What I can eat now versus what I can eat then. Portions and how will I ever be able to enjoy or consume some of my favorite comfort foods (popcorn, chips and salsa, etc.). Protein shakes. Meal replacements. How I can get enough protein in the day. Big change - only 3 meals a day with very minimal snacking! Every program I've ever gone through says 6 small meals a day...post-op is only 3 meals a day. 

I spent way too much time in my head obsessing about the two-week pre-op diet and the post-op diet. The two weeks prior to surgery require no solid food. One of the toughest days I have had was the 24 hours of no solid food prior to my colonoscopy...that will make this seem like a cakewalk. 

My daughter said, "mom, you can do this if you really want this. We will support you no matter what you decide. We will help you however we can." I know they will. They can't do the mental part for me. I know why the prep is so long to get ready for surgery. It's processing time. It's preparing yourself mentally. It's making the decision that this is a lifelong journey. 

Baby steps. Baby steps are how I will get there. 

We Stand With You

 I know when the world gets too heavy because those are the days that Gordon asks for a hug. 

All of you know that we've been on an extensive journey with Gordon for many years. Lots of twists and turns on this mental health road map. He's been doing very well, by the way. Through all of that, Gordon isn't really a hugger or physical touch person (unless you count a good back-scratch!). So when Gordon asks for a hug, I know that the world has gotten really heavy and he just needs some reassurance. 

Yesterday, Gordon asked for a hug. The shooting at Club Q in Colorado should shake most of us to our core at the simple disregard for humankind in general. It should absolutely shake you to know that this type of hatred and ugliness exists. This evil person's actions are not because his mother is a Mormon or because his grandfather is pictured in a MAGA hat. Please don't let those "details" become a distraction to the core issue. 

For those in the LGBTQ+ universe, it becomes terrifying. It's a very real reminder that there are people who hate you just because you exist. There are people who would prefer you dead than exist in their world. You've done nothing but be true and honest about who you are, who you love, and how you identify in life.  For that, you've become a target for their hatred. 

For those struggling in the aftermath of the latest hate crime targeted at you, I see you. We, the advocates and allies, see you. We feel your pain. We sense your fear. You are safe with us. Your cries are heard, your frustrations are validated, and your fear is valid.  This type of hatred and ugliness do not cancel you. For the allies, it makes you MORE visible. 

If you need a hug today, ask for one. There is someone in your life holding space for you. There are people in your life that love you, validate you and are so thankful that you are here and that you are true to who you are. 

Bariatric 4

 After waiting patiently, I finally emailed my PA yesterday that  I had not yet heard from the scheduler. Well, apparently the email was seen because the scheduler called this morning before 10:00 am and oh boy am I scheduled! 

Upcoming appointments include: 

Upper GI

EGD

1st Nutrition Clinic

Blood Work

1st Psych 

All of these are happening between now and January 19th and almost all of them are occurring on different days, almost all in Omaha. I'm keeping my fingers now that the weather holds out for all of those dates. The really good news is that the only one I need someone to come with me is for the EGD. 

After my 2nd nutrition clinic, I get to schedule my cardiac release appointment. Then I'll finally get to meet the surgeon. 

Stay tuned for updates! 

Bariatric - 3

 FINALLY I was able to have my consultation with UNMC on 11/4/22. It seems like it took forever to even get this far. 

I met with the PA and had a really great conversation about what the surgery will entail and all of the things that I need to do to get prepared for the surgery. I was disappointed when she said to not expect surgery for 9 months. Through processing my feelings about it, I was able to remember that this is a life-time journey and not a race to the finish line. I would rather take my time getting to the surgery date if that means that I have a better chance of being successful. Additionally, I have been contemplating this surgery for at least 3 years. Another 9 months is nothing, right? 

She was able to describe both the bypass and the sleeve surgeries and the risks involved with both. It is possible that I won't qualify for the sleeve depending on the outcome of upper GI test because of the acid reflux that I have. IF that becomes an issue, we'd have to look more closely at the bypass. We'll cross that bridge if we have to. I'm not 100% against the bypass but I am more interested in the sleeve. Maybe I need to do a blog post about the difference? 

Anyway...the list of things I must accomplish prior to surgery...1) upper GI, possible endoscope 2) cardiac clearance due to heart disease in the family 3) 3 dietician appointments 4) psychology appt(s) 5) quit smoking 6) give up soda and carbonated beverages 6) letter of support from my psychiatrist 7) bone density scan (I have osteopenia). 

I'm sure that there will be another million things along the way but it's all for good. At least I have a list now to begin on. 

Bariatric - 2

 Our insurance company has a program that you must go through if you are contemplating bariatric surgery. I had that appt with my coach on 9/20/22. For some reason (maybe a BILLION life things) I didn't actually write about that. 

The appointment happened while I was at the hospital for Wyn's birth. Tai and Jake were making laps around the nurse's station while I had a phone meeting with the nurse coach. We went over my medical history and we went through the reasons I want to have the surgery. 

I love the awareness that those appointments bring. Each time I go through the history of my weight journey, I'm reminded of how it all felt. The excitement in initially dropping pounds and the frustration when I stall out or hit a huge life hiccup. It reminds me of the changes I need to make in my soul for the surgery to be successful. It reminds me why I want to complete this journey. 

Old Traditions with New Style

 Wise words from Gordon. "Mom, I'm glad we can still do our traditions, even if they have to change a little bit." 

I was feeling a little bit bummed about our annual pumpkin carving because it was very different than years past. I've mentioned that we used to all go to Roca and then spend the next weekend carving pumpkins and roasting pumpkin seeds. It was a big event. All the kids participated and there was lots of mom being nervous about the knives and mess and dad saying, "they're old enough now to use the knife but do it like this." 

This year we had a much smaller crew. Two kiddos were working, one couldn't get down the stairs and was sleeping and people kind of worked in shifts. I sat on the deck holding the baby so he could "be a part of it" even though he's too little. I was also working on dinner and needed to be able to jump inside for that. 

Poppa helped the Tiny Human (we may have to come up with a new name soon). She completely designed what she wanted and then got all the seeds out of her white pumpkin. Poppa then carved it for her while she worked on climbing the fence. 

Jake worked diligently on carving out a pumpkin for pics for Wyn to sit in and have an epic photo shoot. The photo shoot hasn't been done yet but I'll be sure to share pics when it has been. 

Gordon & Tai seemed to have the most fun picking designs for their brother's pumpkins and then Gordon decided that every good pumpkin clearly needed to be worn. 

Tai and I later cleaned all the pumpkin seeds and they will be roasted as soon as I remember to do so. Today they were left in the oven while the preheat was set for baking. I've heard they survived and at some point, I will actually need to roast them. 

Oh, and Sunday was nap day for some of us. 

Your Light

This picture came up in my FB memories today. I love the laugh and smile in your eyes. I wasn't there when the pics were taken but I can tell that whatever was going on was producing genuine happiness. Your senior year of high school. Your days should have been some of your best. I love seeing these because they remind me of the good times in your life. 

Rythm, how I wish that your life had turned out so much differently. How I wish that you had been able to accept the help and opportunities that were presented to you. How I wish that you had used the strength within you for the positive things in life instead of using it to just survive the next traumatic event. 

It's been almost exactly 2 years since we got that call. The one that we feared we would someday get but hoped wouldn't actually come. Not the one saying that you had died. Sometimes I think this call was worse than that. I know that probably sounds awful but some days it feels true. You're gone but your still here. 

There is a tremendous amount of grief in this situation. It's complex grief. It's mourning the loss of the life that you could have had, the loss of the life that you should have had. It's mourning with the people who love you and mourning with the people who still need you. It's the question of how we could have better prevented this type of life for you. It's the realization that you, and you alone, made the choices that put you where you are. It's the finality of the sentence that not only you must serve. 

I do believe that there is purpose in each thing that happens and your life isn't over yet and time will tell what you still have left to contribute to those around you and those on the outside still praying for you and still loving you through your darkest days. I don't know what the future holds for you. I don't know what the future holds for those that love you. I just know that there is still hope, there will always be hope, that this will allow you to live the new best life for you. The new reality of your actions and choices. 

The light does not have to be gone from your eyes. The laughter does not have to be gone from your soul. You still have so much to give the world. You still have the choice to make the best of this new life. It's not the one you wanted but it's the one you chose with your actions. I pray daily that you embrace the challenges of your life and heal from the trauma that others caused, and heal most importantly from the trauma that you caused. I pray that you find yourself and choose to live this new life. 

October 2022

 Life is crazy as always! 

Treyson continues to heal while resting (un)comfortably on our couch. For the record, all of our furniture is much too small for him so he hangs over the edges of each recliner that we have. The boy (man) is 6' 6" tall and while I'm sure they make furniture for his size, I surely don't own any. He hopes to be able to return to work next week but we'll see. He can't return until he is full weight-bearing so he's been working on that. The doctor doesn't want him to rush it so it's slow progress. He's frustrated but will get through this chapter too. 

We made a family trip to Roca. This is our annual event that we always do as a family. While we missed those that could not make it, it was fun adding a baby to the adventure. My work hosted us and it was a good time with roasted hot dogs and s'mores. My absolutely favorite part is riding the hayrack and going out to pick out pumpkins. We made a rule when the kids were little that they could only pick pumpkins that they could carry. Tiny Human knew exactly which one she wanted and she took me on a hike to pick it out. She carried that thing all the way back and was very proud of herself. We will carve next weekend and roast up all the pumpkin seeds. Yummy!

Baby Boy continues to grow and keep mom and dad on their toes! He hasn't figured out yet that he's supposed to sleep alone or at night but he's getting there. They are doing great with him and we've only gotten to watch him a couple of short times so they can have dinner or go to the store. Poppa and Grammy are very much looking forward to having him more and more the bigger he gets. Seriously though, I cannot express how proud I am of these "kids" and the way they work together to get through the newborn madness! They are a truly beautiful team.

Gordon is half-way done with his first semester of school! Yay! It's been hard. I know there have been moments where he's thought "wtf?!" but he keeps going and keeps fighting. I know this will get easier for him. He just will continue to focus on the end goal. Oh, and he misses my cooking and that makes me feel AMAZING! We will host him and his friends for Thanksgiving this year because it's a short break and not all his buddies can get home. 

Ariez is home for good. While it's sad that he won't be able to continue his program with JobCorps, I believe that he learned a lot. JC was where he needed to be and grow and now home is where that needs to be. He has been applying for jobs and has 2 interviews soon. He and Trey have plans to become roommates and Trey has even been helping him with the job application process. I love them both and while they are always welcome home, it will be nice to see them spread their wings and be out together. 

Rey just keep pushing along with plans to graduate a year early. She has worked super hard to get where she is concerning credits and we are super proud of her for doing so. Even if she decides not to graduate in May, she'll have done a lot of work to get where she wants to go. 

Well...this was supposed to be a short little update but I never want to leave anyone out so it became long! Thanks for being on this journey with us! 

A Week in the Life of...

 Friday, Sept 16th lunch, discussing our weekend plans. All we had scheduled was a 7 year-olds birthday party. Maybe some putting up some freezer meals for this busy mom and the mom-to-soon-be. 

In less than 2 hours, life would take an interesting turn and just keep turning. Our 22-year-old called that he was facing suspension from school in St. Louis due to a verbal altercation with another student. He would be on the next flight home (or what became the next day). Steve and I went into scramble mode but not panic mode because we just needed to figure out what room he'd stay in and what things we needed to get. In addition to how he was feeling mentally and how to get him home from the airport when we're both supposed to be at the birthday party. 

Fast forward just a few hours to about 2:00 am on Saturday morning...Steve gets the first call from Trey. He has fallen and isn't sure if his ankle is sprained or broken but he's in Beatrice and being taken by ambulance to the hospital from his friend's house. The 2nd call came in a little bit later saying that he had in fact broken his ankle in 3 places and was going to require surgery. The ambulance would be bringing him from Beatrice to Lincoln. I met him at the hospital at about 5:45 am. I went to the wrong hospital but if you know me, you know that's what I do. 

The surgeon said that he was actually very lucky that his breaks were so clean. He said that most guys Trey's size crush the bones when they land on them. His were clean breaks. Still required surgery but clean breaks all the same. 

I called Tai to ask her if she could cover for me for the birthday party and she told me that she was happy to but that she'd been having contractions since the night before. BUT OF COURSE! Nothing productive and nothing to worry about. Gordon and Jake took a quick road trip to Beatrice to rescue Trey's friends and to pick up his Jeep. Then they quickly re-routed and headed to the airport to pick up Ariez. Surgery got scheduled for Sunday so I was able to be a part of the very exciting, 16 kid 7 year-old birthday party at Lost in Fun. 

Sunday, Steve and I headed to the hospital to be there when they wheeled Trey back for surgery. His surgery got delayed so Steve had to leave (but came back) and at around 5:00 pm Sunday, he was out of surgery with a plate and 8 screws on one side and 2 screws on the other side. We stuck around for a while to make sure that he was doing okay and that he was going to sleep. 

On Monday morning, I picked him up from the hospital and we were home by lunchtime. We got him settled and he didn't get up again until that evening, in which he fell. Crutches are a b*tch. Especially crutches that are sized for your mom and you're 1 1/2 feet taller than she is. By the way, we are still on order for crutches that will fit him. 

Monday night we had Family dinner and then Tai and Jake were off to the hospital to begin the induction process. 

Tuesday morning I headed to the hospital after taking Rey to school. Tai had been in active labor for a few hours at this point. Jake and I cheered her on as she walked, bounced on the ball, took a spa bath, tried laughing gas, then IV meds and then finally an epidural. 

At 3:00 am on Wed., after about 24 hours of labor, the call was made that Tai would need a c-section. WynLee Daniel came into this world at 3:46 am weighing 5lbs 9 oz and 18" tall. He is absolute perfection. 

There are a lot more moving parts, like picking kids up, trying to get some sleep, breaking my little toe, 4 different places to find a knee scooter and crutches for my gentle giant, shopping for the little guy because all the newborn clothes were too big for him, and just continuing to parent and wife through all of the chaos. 

Our hearts are full, our eyelids are heavy because we all need more sleep. How quickly a "not-to-busy-weekend" can turn into absolute chaos. Also during all of this, my mom tested positive for COVID, Rileigh got an ear infection, Rey got a massive head cold, my dad had major back surgery in another town, and my father-in-law found out that he will most likely be losing more of his foot due to an infection in the bone. 

So there you have it...a week in the life of...thanks for following along. 

August 2022

 So many things happening for our family right now! Words cannot express how proud I am of this little group! 

Tiny Human started 2nd grade. She is such a little social butterfly! She has never met someone who is not her friend. I just adore her little heart and love it when she says, "can we snuggle and watch funny videos?" She loves watching FB videos from America's Funniest Video. Her little belly laughs are the best. 

Reyanne started her Junior year and has plans to graduate this coming May. She has worked super hard to get to the point to be able to graduate. She has taken summer classes 2 years in a row and takes multiple classes as independent study to get more credit hours. She also still works at HyVee and is learning to drive with hopes to have her license by Christmas at the latest. I hear she's saving big money for a car! 

Gordon was off to college this month! We moved him into his dorms on the 18th and he is doing fantastic! The first couple of days were a little rough as there was a lot of student relationship-building activities and he wasn't a super fan but he pushed through and started classes and seems to really enjoy them so far. He was even able to connect with people and has some new friends that we can't wait to get to know better. 

Ariez is still trucking his way through training at JobCorps. He ALSO decided that he needed a job to earn some extra spending cash and is now working at Papa John's. He told me the other day that it doesn't even seem like work because he's having such a good time. I was nervous that he'd eat all the pepperoni profit because the boy seriously LOVES pepperoni pizza! He told me last week that he likes working there so much that it doesn't even feel like work! 

Trey is about to start a new adventure! He will be working in a meat processing center. He has so enjoyed the time he spent in the kitchen at Brewsky's but needed something that paid a little better with a more set schedule and guaranteed hours. Super excited for him! 

Tai and Jake are getting closer and closer to having that wonderful little bundle of joy! But the big news for them this month is that THEY GOT MARRIED! I'll make a whole new post about that because it was all very sudden but it turned out to be an absolutely beautiful ceremony and we are SO excited to have a new addition to the family! 

Steve has been so busy with work as all of the new student loan forgiveness comes down the line. The other night, they had over 1,400 calls waiting and so he has been working some extra hours to help his team best serve their clients. The bigger news for him is that he has started his internship for his Master's program! We are so proud of him as he continues to get closer and closer to graduating! 

My job - keeping up with this crazy crew and all of their activities! Wow - it's sometimes so exhausting but absolutely worth every bit of craziness! 

Bariatric Journey - Part 1

 Day 1 - we'll call this day one even though it's not because I've been contemplating this for so long. I had a consultation previously set up and then got COVID and couldn't go and then decided to hold off and see if this is what I really want. I have done TONS of research, talked to SO many people who have had it done and consulted with my husband a thousand times. So...here we are...

My first call this morning was quick and to the point. UNMC sent me a video to watch and a 12-page form to fill out with instructions to then call my insurance and then call them back on Monday to schedule the actual initial contact. By the way, anytime I need more than the provided space for medications, I am reminded of one of the biggest reasons I want to have this done. 

My call with insurance was frustrating. The gentleman that I spoke with was SUPER kind but we def had a language barrier and he was clearly not familiar with bariatric surgery. He initially told me that there was a lifetime benefit amount and then told me that the surgery was not covered. I asked him to double-check because when I went through the process previously, it was covered. He guided me to the Bariatric Resource Service. 

The BRS was extremely polite and helpful and assured me that the procedure I'd like to have done is covered and the location that I'd like to have it done is also within network. Thank goodness, that barrier is now crossed. I am now enrolled in the program and will begin meeting with my Nurse Manager in Sept. This also means that I can now call UNMC on Monday to schedule my consultation. 

Wish me luck!