Cast Off Day!

Today was the big day! It's the moment he's been waiting for...three weeks in the making...and here it is!!!

First the pins were in his finger...

Then they were out! A little blood but he did awesome. A little pressure but no pain! He assured the doctor that he was NOT going to pass out. Thank God!








Man was it stinky!! He (well all of us really) are excited that he gets to shower tonight without the bag!

So now he has a two-finger buddy system. The doctor said it was healed enough to take the pins out but not healed enough for much contact so he's going to be really careful the next couple of weeks and with a little bit of physical therapy to get the kinks out, he'll back to playing four-square just in time for summer!

The Memories We Leave Behind

Every night when we sit down to dinner we go around the table and tell the best part of our day. You can have up to three but no less than one. It's not a time for your negatives from the day, only positives. We do this if there are 3 people at the table or 8 people at the table. 

Last night I wanted the focus to be on about Mother's Day and memories that we have. We were eating in the basement because of the tornado sirens but we still did it. Each child first got to tell their favorite "mom memory" or something mom did/does that makes you feel special. This allowed A & R to reflect on their mom and allowed T, T, & G the chance to reflect on their mom.

Then we did their favorite "aunt memory" or something their aunt did/does that makes them feel special. This one allowed A & R to focus on me and allowed T, ,T, & G the chance to reflect on Aunt Anitra. I think it's important to be able to do both. 

What I learned last night was that my grandchildren and great grandchildren are going to think that Anitra and I were CRAZY!! Chasing kids with slippers and smacking them with them. Slugging them while driving down the street for slug bugs and accidentally clawing them instead. Anitra luring the children into her van with candy only to not have candy and a lecture on stranger danger. Aunts and moms who laugh hysterically in half sleep moments. Anitra stealing table stuff from Red Robin and her inability to say the names of things properly. Bus stop craziness. Large coffee from McD's with 10 cream/10 sugars. Road trips! Moving couches by flipping them end over end because they were too heavy to be lifted. 

What I learned was that the memories we leave behind are so much more important than anything else that we leave when we pass. These are the things that will keep us alive for future generations. These are the things that live in the living forever. 

Happy Mother's Day

This morning the family, minus one, went to church and had an early lunch/late breakfast at Amigos. I was greeted this morning with beautiful lilies....

And some new, very sweet charms for my bracelet...

This afternoon, after the tornado watch was issued but before the storm actually hits, we wrote notes to Anitra and had them put in balloons and sent them to Heaven. Later this evening we'll be making memorial stones for her. 

It was a nice day. Tai, Genna, and I went to the grocery store and then they helped me clean out the fridge. It looks nice and organized now. It helps me breathe a little. The boys are working on laundry so at least every one will have clean clothes for the week. And for dinner we are having frozen pizza because this mom is not making dinner tonight. 

I hope you all had a beautiful day also.

Let's Get Thankful

As part of Thankful Thursday I've added four to my list...

1. Pictures. The saying is that pictures tell a thousand words. Here's how that is most often true. You come across a picture and it brings back a lot of memories of the moment that it was taken. It's best when you look at old pictures of family WITH family. The laughs and stories that come from that are the best.

2. Cooking Shows. Tai and I watch them together. She gets to stay up a little later than the younger kids and typically we watch a cooking show. We seem to like the competitions the most. My current favorite is Cutthroat Kitchen with Alton Brown. Tai loves to keep so she gets really inspired by these shows.

3. Hugs from my kids. Science has proven that 20 seconds of physical touch is really good for you. It raises levels of all those good things you need. Hugs are powerful. They say things that words can't always say. Trey and I have a special thing where when he is getting anxious or feels stressed, we hold hands. He looks at me and says "20 seconds mom?" and I know exactly what he needs. The best part is that it usually lasts a lot longer than 20 seconds. I love that I have a 13 year old boy who still likes to hold his mom's hand. The kids give me a hug every night before bed, well the younger 4. I like to hold tight for at least 20 seconds. I'm convinced it helps them have better dreams. Well maybe not, but it makes me feel better.

4. School. I am so blessed that my kids like school. I don't have to fight with them about going. That isn't to say that we haven't had our issues but for the most part, they all love it. Some of them like the social aspect the best but hey, that's something too. Right now I think that most of them are really ready for summer but come August, they will be excited to go once again.

Grown Up

Let's be real. When we were younger, we couldn't wait to grow up. We wanted to make our own rules and do whatever we want. We wanted to be able to eat whatever we wanted for dinner and nobody could tell us when to go to bed. We wanted to be independent and be able to buy whatever we wanted when we wanted it. 

Here's the reality...we grew up. We kind of get to make our own rules. Yet, if you are blessed with having a job you get to follow those rules about when to be there and when to leave. We are able to eat whatever we want. I think the first 20 pounds I gained when I did that will forever be a part of me. We do get to go to bed whenever we want. Well, not really. Not if you have kids and jobs and responsibilities. Remember how we thought we could stay up as late as we wanted? Well, now we HAVE to stay up because we have kids to get to sleep, laundry to do, dishes to wash...you get the picture. 

Oh and being independent and able to buy whatever you want? Reality looks a lot more like paying bills and being excited IF you have enough left over to hit up McDonald's for breakfast once this week. Okay, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration but you get the idea. 

Tough decisions have to be made as grown-ups. They aren't always fun. In fact, they aren't often fun. I did learn something though. I have been "old enough" to make these decisions for a long time but have only recently become "grown-up" enough to make the right decisions more often than not. I've got to tell you, while being grown up is less stressful because I know the bills will be paid, we'll have groceries and money for doctor's visits is there, sometimes I wish I could still just do whatever I want. 

My Sissy

Dear Sissy,

I miss you more every day. I keep waiting for you to text me or call me and tell me this has all been a mistake. I need so badly for this not to be real.

I miss your laughter. I miss your silly expressions. I miss your crazy too tight shirts. I miss your ridiculous fb comments. I miss your face.

I keep hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare and you'll be standing there in front of me. It never happens. The days just get longer.

People (not very smart people apparently) say that it gets easier with time. I think those people must buts because all I've found is that each day without you is harder. Every once in awhile I start to feel like things will be ok and then something happens and it hits all over again.

I know you're happy and I'm so happy for you to be in the Kingdom of Heaven and to be eternally at peace. I just wish being here without you didn't suck so much.

Love you always,
Your broken skissy

Not What I Was Anticipating

I really thought that Spring would bring a massive amount of relief with it. I get so excited when the sun shines more and the days seem longer.

This year, it's not living up to my expectations yet. I don't know if that's because every time I think about putting away winter clothes, it turns out to be 40 degree weather the next day, or if it's because there is something more wrong with me and my ability to find the joy in things.

Don't get me wrong. I am prayerful and hopeful (most days on the hope, always on the prayer). I REALLY want to feel better. I love that the kids are excited for school to be out. I love that they can play outside later and that more days than not they are able to wear their shorts and t-shirts. I love the sunshine. I love the warmer weather. I am just not feeling it down in my bones yet.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. He commented to me along the lines of sadness getting easier as time goes on after someone you love dies. I was pretty outraged. Mostly because I'd had a pretty long draining week before that and I had some trigger moments that rocked me. I said to him that it doesn't really get easier, it just gets sneakier. I mean that in the way that you start to feel better and you feel like things will be okay and then something sneaks up on you and BAM...it hits you and steals your breath and since you weren't expecting it, it takes that much longer to feel "okay" again. The higher you get, the harder it is to fall.

Every holiday is hard and because a part of me is expecting it to be a little bit easier, it actually is a little bit harder. Easter was not nice. While I'm in the midst of trying to enjoy my day, an overwhelming sadness is lurking inside me. I keep trying and trying to push it down and more and more it won't go away.

Mother's Day is next weekend. Mother's Day is hard around here. I mourn the fact that half of my kiddo's mother is not here. I try to make the day special so that they can honor her. We send a note to Heaven via balloon and the kids like that. This year we are making a memorial stone for Anitra. We have some of her ashes left and we will mix it with the cement and each kiddo will have a colored rock that is just for them. When it hardens we are going to place it in the ground. Pretty much Mother's Day is just an emotional land mine day that I collapse at the end of.

Graduation is coming. Much sooner than I am ready for. The closer it gets, the more disorganized I get. It's not working out the way I had envisioned. Thinking about graduation is sad and happy. Sad because she won't be here for it, and happy for R because it's her big day. So when I think of graduation, I get a little more depressed and a little more disorganized.

It's going to be a long month. I will continue to pray. I will continue to be hopeful. But I have to be honest...it's getting pretty hard...

Heritage School

As a fourth grader at Pershing you get to go to Heritage School. This is an exciting rite of passage for each of the kiddos. Tai is mostly sad that she didn't get to go because we moved to Pershing the middle of her 4th grade year and they had already gone. Trey must have had so much fun at his that he has made Genna look forward to it for 3 years.

Heritage school is an all day field trip for them so that's always super exciting because they know they will not have homework. They get to ride the bus and go out to a little old school house like they had in the "olden" days. They are asked to dress up in the garb that was worn during the late 1800's. (Well I think that's the time frame but I'm not sure and Steve can't really tell me.) Genna borrowed a costume from our dear friend. She was so excited. It was handmade by Heather's grandma and her girls wore it when they went to Heritage school.

The other thing that they tell you to do is bring a lunch that would look like one from that time period. They provide you a pail to carry it in but they want authentic time lunches. Well...as much as possible. Suggestions were: beef jerky (although I know very few people who actually make their own jerky anymore), boiled eggs or potatoes,pancakes or biscuits (seriously, who makes hand-made biscuits now?), jelly, butter or lard (NO MAYO), raw veggies, apples, pears, berries, a homemade cookie. But of course, do not bring nuts due to allergies (I'm pretty sure that restriction is not authentic). No sandwich baggies. Items should be wrapped in wax or brown paper or cotton cloth.

I told Genna I didn't really have time to make homemade cookies but I'd be happy to buy her a sugar cookie from Casey's and take it out of the plastic wrap and wrap it in wax paper. Steve said that was cheating and I told him that he had better get to baking Betty Crocker because I do not have time for that. Tai ended up making homemade cookies for a friend so she was nice enough to save a couple out for Genna. We were nice enough to forget to actually pack the cookies. Okay, that was by complete accident but Genna was sure her bestie would give her a bite of her cookie.

I think half the excitement of Heritage School is in the preparation. At least I think it was for us. Genna reported having a great day and it was fun to play on the prairie and interesting to see. She will not be leaving us for simpler times because she's decided electricity and running water are pretty cool things to have in school.

One more kiddo for Heritage School in two years. She was pretty excited about it until she found out that in 3rd grade they get to hatch chicks so she figures she can wait her turn.