Living

Thursday was my birthday (thank you all for the happy wishes). We were on our way to school and Rey said "mommy, today you're 36!" I corrected her and said "35." She got a very sad look on her face and said that she wished her mommy could be here so I could be 36." That was a pretty intense moment for me. She doesn't remember it but in that second, I knew my dad was right. I have to be okay for the future because they need to know that they'll be ok for the future. Those weren't his words, he said it much better than I, but  I get it. I told her that her mommy was forever with us and that it was okay for me to be 36 and it is. I have to be 36, 37, 40, 50, etc...without her. Not without her in my heart but without her body because THEY are going to be 18, 21, 25, 30, etc...without her and they need to know that it's ok that she's not here. 

It totally sucks that she's not here. Totally. Yet, we will be okay. We will carry on. We will not "move on" (I really hate it when people say that) but we will carry on. We will carry on in our lives. We will make new memories, meet new people, have lives. 

Sometimes I feel as though I'm learning to live all over again. A lot of times I feel like each experience is a new experience, a scary experience, because she is not here. She was so much a part of me that I'm not I am even knew for sure where she ended and I began. Steve used to laugh and say he had two wives. Our family considered us all one family. I think that's probably one of the harder parts of this. She was so much a part of every single day, every single memory, every single event. The good news is that each "first" that we have without her, we get to tell such fun stories about her from the previous years and events. It's not the same as if she were with us in body but it's like she's never really completely gone. 

There are only a few things that I remember from her service. One thing I remember though is that the pastor said that "death is in the shadows and while it's okay to see the shadows, we must live in the light." We must continue our lives in the light. I must continue in the light so that they can continue in the light. Life is going to move forward  for us. It must. So thank you Rey and thank you Dad for all your wisdom.