Momma Heart

 His mom called this morning. I was afraid to talk to her. What do you say to the woman who's son was murdered by your child? My heart hurts for her and all of his loved ones, but especially her momma heart. 

You tell her that she's in your prayers and that you are so sorry for this situation and you tell her how sorry your daughter is. You tell the truth about how your daughter is doing and how badly she feels and you tell her thank you for continuing to love your daughter and her daughter. 

I have said it before but truly, there is nothing easy about any of this. My heart hurts for his family. They don't hate his murderer because they love her and she's family. She's their sister, granddaughter, step-daughter, cousin, step-sister, niece...which probably makes it all more confusing and sad for them. 

I am reminded daily how blessed we are in all of this. Yes, we are blessed in the midst of this nightmare. The love that has been shown from his family, his fiance, and El's family has been a huge blessing. To know that there is such a huge network of people praying for her and wishing her well. 

We are blessed. 

Sad Heart

 My momma heart is so sad. That's the simplest and most accurate way to describe how I'm feeling. I put on this really brave, hopeful face as I go through the days. My kids need me to be strong, they look to me to make sure that things are okay. I explain to people what is going on and tell them that we are hopeful that the charges will be reduced. 

This was a hard week. I look at the charging statements of evidence and I know that if she were the victim and the not the defendant, I would want them to get the harshest sentence that they could. My daughter is the defendant and so I hope and I pray for a sentence that will bring her home before I die. A sentence that will bring her home to see her daughter and her daughter's children grow. My husband reminds me that the evidence is supposed to look hard and that it is supposed to be one sided. I know he's right but I also know that within that evidence, at least most parts are true. 

Will I ever hug my child again? Will she ever be in another family picture? Will our hearts heal? Will her daughter's heart heal? Will she ever be at another holiday gathering? These are some of the questions that torture me throughout the day and night. 

Even if they are able to get the charges reduced, I will be 83 years old before she comes home. Will I live that long? Will I remember her in my old age? I never intended to live that long. I mean, I realize that isn't really all of mine to say, but living to be that age was never a goal for me. Now I must. Now I have no choice if this is the sentencing we get. 

So yes, my heart is sad. It feels so heavy lately that I feel like I might actually drown in the sadness. 

Tired

 I am tired. The kind of tired that sucks the soul out of you. The kind of tired that no amount of sleep will cure. The kind of tired that requires love, patience, self-care, rest, and peace. 

I did spend the night eating out and last minute Christmas shopping with my hubby. That's why my feet are so tired. That's why my back is tired. That's why my legs are tired. 

My soul is tired from the year of insanity. Believe me, there were some amazing, beautiful moments this year that I wouldn't trade for the world. I would live this year over and over again to have those moments again. 

As with all things in life, there is balance. We started the year with a cancer scare and are ending the year with a pending court-case for our daughter and a pending case to protect our granddaughter. We are ending the year with a new job for one son and back to school for another son and surgery for a daughter. We end the year with a sad heart for one child and a happy heart for a granddaughter who is going to have an amazing Christmas with a special visitor. We look at pictures from vacations we were able to go on and end the year planning vacations for next year. 

So yes, there were amazing moments, lots of them but also sad moments, terrifying moments, moments we wish we would never have to re-live. These are the moments that have my soul tired. 

I'll be okay. My soul will heal, it always does. Tomorrow will come and there will be highs and lows for that day as well. Christmas will come and there will be some sad moments while we miss our loved ones that we can't be with but also really joyous moments of the family that can be together and the gifts and the meals and the remembering of the reason for this season. 

Just know that if your soul is tired, if you feel like you're on a rollercoaster and you aren't a huge fan of rollercoasters, that it's okay. Your soul will heal. You are not alone. You are worthy of each emotion and you are worthy of just saying, "my soul is tired."