Volleyball

Both of the younger girls asked to play volleyball this season. We thought this was a great idea! We like when they play sports. Actually, it's not really about the sports, it's about them being excited to do extra-curricular activities. We try to limit activities to only one "outside" school time activity a season. Otherwise, there is just no time for anyone to breathe. While I want them to be able to experience everything, I think there is a lot to be said about them, and us, having downtime. 

Anyway...volleyball it is for G and R. Unfortunately, they both play on Sunday at the same time in different schools. Steve and Tai work on Sunday so they aren't able to help out. Fortunately Grandma and Grandpa are gracious enough to help out so we can rotate. Sadly I don't get to see each of their games but thankfully they both are able to still play. 

This week, Genna played two games so I got to see both of them play in one day. I happened to get pictures of them both serving. I am almost sure both of these went over the net. 

When Meds Attack

Five weeks ago I started a new medication. Med changes are always scary but I know they are necessary and so I pray about it and give it my all. I pray that they will work and that they will not mess me up too much.

Five weeks ago, when I took the first few doses of the new med, they made me horribly sick to my stomach. One of the side effects of this particular med can be weight loss. I know why. It makes you so sick, you have no desire to ever eat again. Luckily for this chunky girl, you get past that and the meds were actually working.

I had adjusted to the 25 mg and was feeling ok. It's time to start the 50. I increase that and am actually feeling pretty good. There appears to be light at the end of the tunnel. Then I increase again. The first few days, I'm good. Slowly, I take a turn. I start to feel edgy, severe depression is seeping it's way back in, the mood swings are coming quicker, the mania is starting to feel very real.

It takes a couple days for me to realize what is going on but when I do, I jump on it. I can't afford to fall into a black hole again. I can't afford to step out of my sanity and live in my bedroom and be as anti-social as possible. I leave work and call the doctor and tell her what is going on. She thinks it's a reaction to the other medication that I take. We knew that was possible so we start weaning off of that medication. It's a bitch to do but necessary if this is the result of the two mixing poorly together.

Thursday night I start to itch. Like REALLY itch. ALL over my body. There appears to be slight rash on my chest, chin, one arm but I itch ALL OVER. Friday morning the redness has increased and spread. I get ready for work and go in but call my psychiatrist as soon as they open. I tell them what is going on and the nurse calls within a half hour and tells me to not take anymore of that med. If I haven't taken it for the day, I'm not supposed to.

An hour later the doctor called. The rash had spread to my face, my head, my legs. I was seen at Urgent Care, given a steriod shot (which comes with it's own story of me crying like a baby) and told to take Benadryl every 4 hours.

I was having an allergic reaction to the medication. Apparently about 1 in 1000 people get this rash and it can sometimes be really serious and you end up in the hospital with some life altering syndrome. Thankfully, it doesn't appear to be that serious for me. But I can't take the med anymore. I can't wean off of it like I should.

Currently, I'm in a tailspin. There was more drama over the new med they want to start me on as soon as I'm clear of the other med. More stress and tears and frustrations. I'm manic, depressed, tired, completely overwhelmed with the most simple life task. I of course can't shut down completely. I'm a busy mom with schedules to keep and meals to be fed, and laundry to be done. There are more tears and more fits and more "meltdowns" while all of this is going on. Tailspins suck. There is no other way around it. I will do the best I can to get through this as well and will pray that they next med will be more successful. Really at this point, that's all I can do.

Lack of Freezer Meals

I have had people ask me about my decision, and tips, for freezer meals. If you are looking for recipes and tips, that's not really what this one is about but hopefully soon I will put some tips together.

Here's what I CAN tell you today...

NOT having meals in my freezer is stressing me out! Knowing that I have to get home in a hurry and get dinner made and get the kids fed and get homework done and showers and OH MY if someone has an activity...

When we initially did the freezer meals, we did 10 meals. There was also some meat that we just had cut up so we'd have it for things. The 10 meals lasted about 3 weeks because, let's face it, sometimes life just happens and the schedule gets tipped upside down and we have to grab food on the go. Sometimes life happens and I get no sleep the night before and I'm totally exhausted and so we have "free choice" and I don't even try to pretend to be a great mom who never would feed her kids hot dogs and mac n' cheese for dinner.

So for 3 weeks things were moving right along. I wasn't stressed about meal time. I would take something out the night before, throw in the oven or pan while I went and changed my clothes. We could eat and we wouldn't even feel extremely rushed. It was wonderful.

One beautiful day I realized we were out of freezer meals. I did what any good mom would do and I totally panicked! For 2 weeks I have not had freezer meals. It stinks. I don't like it. I don't like not being prepared. I don't like having to figure out on the fly what I will be having for meals for the week. It's not as budget friendly. We have hot dogs and "free choice" more often.

I am in the process of planning and "listing" my next freezer meal cooking day. I don't know how I survived before but I know it's easier this way. Freezer meal planning and cooking day is a lot of work. I've learned a few things so I don't think it will be quite as stressful this time. Also, I'm not planning on other activities that day so I won't have to rush through making as many meals as I can. That was a huge issue last time creating way more stress than necessary.

Hopefully soon I will share my success and tips for freezer meals. Right now, I'm only really able to tell you that my life was better with it!

Never Forget

Never forget the incredible bravery shown on 9/11/01.

Never forget the heroes of Flight 93. 

Never forget the unity shown by our country on 9/11/01. Something designed to tear our country apart, bounded us together. 

Never forget that when our country is under attack, we will defend her.

Never forget the generosity of people lined up to feed, shelter, and clothe people during this tragedy.

Never forget the lines of people at the blood banks and Red Cross to give blood. 

Never forget all the souls that were lost on 9/11/01. Over 3,000 people died that day, how many people called out to God for the first time? 

Never forget the stories of the fallen managers who stayed with their co-workers, the last phone calls that some were able to make, the ferries that worked to get people home.

Never forget where you were at that moment. Let it live in you forever. In that moment, you were changed forever.

Never forget the first responders. Never forget those of them that didn't come home that day. Never forget the ones who suffer in health today because of their bravery in that moment.

Never forget the importance of our flag flying that day after the collapse of the towers. 

Never forget our military who stood ready to defend us that day, and every day before and after that.

Never forget our government leaders who made hard decisions that day.

Never forget how truly blessed we are to be Americans and the rights and responsibilities we have because of that.

Never forget how you woke up that day one person, and went to sleep that night another person.

Never forget. 

Today

The 10th of September is the day that I actually associate with losing Anitra. That was the day she broke and went to the hospital. I knew that day that I would never have her back. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I called Steve and told him that I was really scared because I didn't think she was going to make it through this one. The doctors and nurses couldn't hear us tell them that she was not okay that day. She had to go to the hospital twice that day. Whenever someone asks me what day my sister died, I have to hesitate because in my heart it was the 10th even though in reality it was the 13th.

By day of the week, Wed, two years ago today I saw my sister for the last time. I picked her up from the hospital at noon and I wanted to believe that she was better and that she would be ok even though my heart knew differently. We picked up Steve from work and got lunch from Amigo's. We had to go through the drive thru because she didn't have any shoes on. At her house, I hugged her for the last time. I wish I would have known it was the last time I would hug her, get to see her, get to touch her. I would have held on longer. I would have said I love you louder. I would have driven a little bit slower so we would be together longer.

TWLOHA

"To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

I have a tattoo that means love on my wrist. To show my support for others and for my sis. It's the last text she ever sent me. <3 u 2 That meant love from her.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. Tomorrow, the 10th, is National Suicide Awareness Day.

We all know someone who is affected by mental health disorders of some type. We all know someone who lives with depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies and thoughts. I ask that you take a moment of your day, just a moment, to smile at someone you wouldn't necessarily smile at, pray (if that's your thing like me) for people who live with these battles, show someone you care.

Somehow, someway, be kind. Not that you aren't already...I only have kind friends, but something extra. Go outside of your comfort zone to let someone know that you care. Let them know that they aren't alone in the world. I'm not suggesting everyone get a tattoo on their arm...although, seriously...how cool would that be?!

Depression, anxiety, mental health disorders, suicide, self-injury, etc...can be SO lonely! Let people know they aren't alone in this world. Not just tomorrow but especially tomorrow.

Honor those we've loved and lost to these diseases. Make them count. Make the diseases count.

There are many, many organizations that support these types of disorders and diseases. A simple google.com search will show you the way. For more information about TWLOHA please go to http://twloha.com/home.

Life Lessons a.k.a. The Accident

It starts with a phone call no parent ever wants to get but all parents know there's a chance they will get. The phone rings at 10:40 pm and when you answer, you hear your child crying hysterically and you just know. 

A week ago I got that phone call. Poor Tai was the crying child on the other end of the phone. Bless her for being able to say first "I'm ok mom." Then..."I've wrecked the van and it's all my fault and I don't know what to do." 

Since I'm able to almost breathe again since she said she was ok, I hurry to get dressed while Steve is already in the car ready to go. I kept her on the line until the cops got there and they made her get off the phone. I'm pretty sure she could almost breathe again by then.

She was coming home from work and the windows were a little bit foggy. She was coming up to a red light and saaw it turn green so she kept driving at 45 mph. Unfortunately, she didn't see the cars sitting at the red light. Unfortunately she hit the first car she came upon. That car pushed forward and hit the car in front of it. 

Everything is okay. The van is totalled but it works out because we got a really nice van to replace that one because van's are replaceable and people are not. The daughter is really sore but it's ok because she's healing nicely. Not as quickly as she'd like, but she is healing. The ticket is ok because it means she's alive and that she will learn to always pay really good attention. 

I keep telling her that she doesn't have to learn every lesson the same way I did. I totalled my dad's car at 16 because I wasn't paying complete attention to the road too. I'm hoping she doesn't learn all of her lessons the same way I learned mine, just as my parents hoped I wouldn't learn all of mine the same way they learned theirs. 

She said it's too soon to make jokes or call her Crash but she knows they are coming and she knows that they will be said with love and with relief that she really is ok.