Days 13, 14, 15

 13th - Physical Feature 

This one is really hard. I have no idea. I used to really like my ankles but right now one of them is the source of such distress that I don't think I can use that one. 

I like my eyes when they're working. I think they're pretty. I don't know if anyone else does. 

I have a physical feature that my husband loves but that hardly seems appropriate for here. :) 

14th - Talents and Skills 

I feel like we've already covered this one with family meal planning and prep and also my ability and joy in crochet and cross-stitch so...yeah...I have nothing to add here. 

15th - Tradition

Family dinner was my favorite tradition but as the kids have gotten older and busier it seems like less often that we can all be together. 

I guess one of my favorites is corn dogs on Halloween. Sonic has $.50 corn dogs that day so we always order a bunch and then make our own fries. This way we know that the kids have had some kind of food in their bellies before ingesting tremendous amounts of sugar.

Oh...New Year's Eve. Steve always smokes a turkey and we have that with a cheese board. We have a lot of fun going to HyVee and picking out fun, new cheeses to try. We then play games and celebrate the New Year arrival. 

Christmas Eve we put on our jammies, get hot chocolate, load up the car and go look at Christmas lights. I love that tradition. It was started by my parents when we were little and it's something I have added to and do with my kids. Then we come home, I read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' and everyone goes to bed. 

Day 12 - A Place

 Home. It's as simple as that. The place that I'm most thankful for today, and pretty much every day, is home. 

I love the home when it's quiet (that's rare). I love our home when it's chaotic. I love when all of our kids are home. I love it when none of our kids are home. I love my bedroom and I love the spaces we've created to spend time together.

Our home isn't fancy. It's new to us and we are still finding ways to put it together. There are still boxes taking up half of the garage but it's ours. It's the place we gather to feel safe, protected and loved. 

Day 11 - Unexpected Gift

 The unexpected gift that I am most thankful for is that of my husband and children. 

Steve and my story is fun but it was hard. Whatever it took, we're here. It's still hard some days. It's always worth it and it's a huge gift in my life. 

When I was 18 years old, I was told that I had a 10% chance of ever having a baby. I have been blessed beyond measure with 3 biological babes and 3 "adopted" babes and now our raising our granddaughter. 

None of these were easy stories. I have had multiple miscarriages, multiple surgeries, and all c-sections. The loss of my sister to become my nieces and nephew's parents is a hard journey. Parenting our Tiny Tot is a heartbreaking story. My pregnancies were not easy.

I wouldn't trade any of it as it all is a part of our journey. All of it is a gift. None of it was expected. 

Day 10 - Nature

 When Steve and I first got together, we camped ALL THE TIME. We loved the inexpensive of pitching the tent and hitting the lake for the weekend. Campfires, coolers, outdoor temperatures, fishing, swimming...you name it. It was also a great way for our little one to burn off energy without worrying about her being noisy in a hotel. We didn't have to go far from home to have a good time. 

As life got busier, and we got older, those trips slowed down. The appeal of sleeping on the ground and not having access to running water a few feet away became fewer and further between. 

We still love camping or at least the idea of camping. Summer of 2021, we had several trips planned but were only able to make one of them work. It was a great time. It was time well spent with family and not being connected to the internet or screens. Tiny Tot loved the outdoors. We grilled, we played on the playground, we fished, we slept in a teepee. 

The summer of 2022 will come with great intentions of camping more. We'll hope that our schedules allow it and that the universe comes together so that we can get out more. If not, we'll enjoy the time that we have hanging out on the dock fishing. 

Day 9 - Looking Forward To...

I am looking forward to having my foot and ankle healed! 

Twenty years ago I broke my right ankle and required surgery where they implanted a metal plate with two screws on one side and a pin on the other side. That hardware is no longer giving me joy! I've been in a lot of pain for the past 5 weeks and it is difficult to walk, stand, or sit for long periods of time. It has wreaked havoc on my sleep and done an unpleasant number on my mental health. 

On the 16th I will have surgery to have the hardware removed from my right ankle. I will be down for 2 weeks in a sling and then a boot for at least the two weeks following that. While I am certainly not looking forward to surgery or the healing time, it is totally worth it if it means no more (or at least way less) pain and improved mobility. 

On my left foot, I have extensor tendonitis (a fancy term for inflamed tendon). I have an extra bone in my foot and the doctor believes that this extra bone is rubbing on that tendon keeping it from ever fully healing. When we took Tai to college, I was in a boot for it and that provided great relief but shortly after that the discomfort returned and has been annoying me ever since.  

Since it's not optimal to be in two boots at one time, we are addressing the most painful situation first. Following the right ankle healing, we will address the left foot. 

I sincerely look forward to having two fully functioning ankles and feet. I can feel the end in sight! 

Day 6, 7, 8 :)

Day 6 - Season/Weather -- I complain a lot about the cold and the heat and the humidity and the quick changes in weather but I'm honestly super thankful to live in NE and experience all four seasons. I most love Spring when everything is starting to turn green and the rain smells so good and the ground has thawed and planting is happening. 

I'm also really partial to fall. I love the changing of the leaves and the cooler but not cold temps and the need for a sweater but not a coat. I love bonfires and the crunch of leaves underfoot. 

Day 7 - Basic Necessity -- The basic necessity that I'm most thankful for would have to be food. Yes, I know you're shocked that I love food, but it's more than that. It's the joy of cooking for my family, it's the ability to make and try new recipes. It's the bonding time spent with my family during family dinners. Honestly, it's providing for my family in a simple way. I'm very thankful for that. 

Day 8 - Best Thing About Yesterday -- The thing I'm most thankful for from yesterday would be how everyone in the house pulled together to get the house cleaned. I absolutely CAN do it all myself but am thankful that everyone jumped in and helped out. I'm also thankful for the "quiet" time that was allowed since Tiny was at a birthday party and then a BBQ. 

Day 5 - Technology

 Can I just say that I'm super thankful for technology in general? Can you imagine what 2020 would have looked like if we had not had the technology to be able to work from home? Can you imagine what it would have looked like if our children had not been able to have any schooling? 

I would say, to narrow it down, the technology I'm most thankful for is the telephone and email. With not all of our children being able to be in Lincoln with us, it's really nice that they're a phone call away. It's great that we can still speak to them on an almost daily occurrence. 

Email allows me to speak less often on the phone and it allows me to not have to take as detailed notes when I am on the phone. I love the ability to reach out to any of the kids' teachers to express concerns. I love not having to play phone-tag with them in an attempt to hear any news that we may need to know. 

Day 4 - Skills and Knowledge

I have a pretty good skill at menu planning and organizing for our family. I am really thankful for that skill because it means that my family knows what we are having and when we are having it. Typically, it also means that I've shopped for it and they don't have to do much except show up to eat it. :) 

Everyone knows that we have a large family. When we went from a family of 5 to a family of 8, we were gifted the knowledge of Cozi. I am so forever thankful for that. Nine years later and it's still helping us all to stay on track and be exactly where we need to be when we need to be there. I cannot imagine trying to navigate this life without this product. 

So...yeah...I would say the skills that I'm most thankful for are the ones that allow me to provide balance to the chaos that is our life! 

Day 3 - Color

 My favorite color is pink! I used to hate pink but when I got pregnant with Gordon, everything had to be pink. All of the sudden, I was THAT girl and wanted pink everything. It's kind of stuck for the last 18 years. 

Colors bring life to everything. Right now, the seasons are changing and the leaves are gorgeous. My drives to and from work have become colorful masterpieces as I come over hills and see all the different trees. I love the season of fall for that reason. I love to see the beautiful tree in our front yard as it's turned this amazing reddish-orange color and the leaves fall to the ground turning our little front yard a blanket of red. Not for nothing but I'm also glad that there is only one tree in our entire yard so that I don't have to rake that many leaves! 

The question though is what color am I most thankful for and I have to say it's not one color. The colors that I'm most thankful for are all the colors of the rainbow. The rainbow symbolizes so much in my life. God's promise, of course, to never destroy the Earth with floods again. It's a symbol of grace, the grace that He has given us, and the grace that we should remember to give others. 

The rainbow is most often a sign of hope. They come after storms to brighten the Earth and to bring us to hope for a brighter day and time. 

The rainbow brings a sense of peace to many members of my family. The symbol of the rainbow lets them know that they are safe in their LGBTQ+ place. The rainbow flag represents the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community and when my family members see it, they know that they are in a judgment-free zone; they know that they are with safe people in their community. 

I forever want my family members to feel safe and to be safe. So for that reason, I cannot be thankful for just one color, I shall be thankful for all of the colors of the rainbow that make this world what it is. 

Day 2 - Hobby

 A hobby I'm thankful for. I actively participate in two. I crochet and I cross-stitch. Each brings me joy. 

I love to make blankets for people. I don't do anything fancy but I like the simple stitches that piece together, row after row, that I hope will bring comfort and warmth to the person it's intended for. I am grateful for the skill to be able to do so. 

I am thankful for the ability to sit with my family and crochet mindlessly and still be able to pay attention to what is going on around me, still be able to capture the laughs and gasps from them as whatever drama or comedy unfolds on the TV. It requires less focus on the project and I'm grateful that it helps me be present in my living room with them. 

I struggle with that sometimes. Being present with my family when they are just watching TV or playing video games. Crocheting allows me a slight distraction to keep me more present. It also keeps my hands busy and then I snack less! :) 

I am thankful for the ability to cross-stitch as well. I don't do that as much as I'd like as it's more intensive and less easy to do as I'm sitting with the family watching TV. It requires more focus. It pulls my attention away from being present with them as much but keeps me in the same room, which I guess matters as well. 

Day 1 - Someone

 Someone posted a "Happiness Gratitude Challenge" for the month of November and I've decided to try to do it as blog posts. Yes, lots of people jump on the "November Grateful" posts. Doing this in November certainly doesn't mean that I'm only grateful in November. I'm a day behind already so I'll try for two today. Yep, that's how my November is already going...

There are so many people I'm grateful for that it's really hard to post about just one. I have an amazing family, great friends, fantastic co-workers, and co-conspirators. I have a wonderful support system and so I for sure am grateful to all of them. Since the challenge says "someONE", I'm going to highlight this superhuman that doesn't get nearly enough credit! 

Words cannot truly express how thankful I am for my husband. He truly is my better half. Steven pushes me to be a better person. He sees good in me when I can't and he reminds me of the things that are truly important in this world. 

He chose me, he chooses me. He stands beside me when things are hard and he stands beside me when things are fantastic. He picks up when I have to put down and he holds me when I can't hold myself. 

Steve and I have been through a LOT in the past 21 years. There has been heartache and tears. There has been grief that has seemed unmanageable. He hasn't always wanted to be right here with me but he stuck in there. Hell, I haven't always wanted to be right here but we make it work. We choose to make it work. He chooses to not give up. Marriage isn't always easy and it's okay that not everyone shows up every single day. It's showing back up that works for me. 

I will forever be thankful for the father that he has chosen to be to our children. I am thankful for the father that he chose to be to our nieces and nephew. I am beyond thankful for the Poppa that he chooses to be to our Tiny Human. 

It has been a beautiful journey watching him grow and growing with him. He has conquered so much in his life and seeing him overcome the challenges in his life has been inspiring. He has pushed and pushed and it's been a true joy to see him reach his goals and get to be one of his biggest cheerleaders! 

I could go on about the ways in which I'm thankful for my hubby. How he makes the bed in the morning and I know he does it just because he's thinking of me. How thankful I am when I wake up in the middle of the night with his arm around me. How thankful I am when I'm sick or just exhausted and can't do one more thing and he just takes over. 

Day 1 (done on day 2) of being thankful. My someone is Steve, my husband, my friend, my co-conspirator. 

Holding Space

 I watch "highlights" of the murder trial of George Floyd. I don't know where to put all of the feelings I have about this. 

I have been reading news clips of the murder of Daunte Wright. I am terrified for my African American children. 

I see social media posts and I see the news and I partake in conversations and I watch my African American friends and I watch my African American children.

And I hurt. 

And I get angry.

And I get scared. 

And I get sad.

There is an amazing woman I follow on IG. Her name is Nichole Walters and she is just downright one of the most inspirational and positive and insightful women I have seen. She is an African American woman raising African American kiddos. 

And she said to hold space for our African American friends and family. She said not to ask questions of them but to let them know you are there for them. She said to be graceful and be patient and be authentic and most importantly just be there holding space. 

So I hold space. I hold space for anyone hurting during these sad, sad days. I hold space for those so angry that they can't find the words. I hold space for those scared to leave the house and scared to drive down the street and scared to live in a world that seems to hate their very existence. 

I am here. I am hurting for you. I am not judging your fear, your anger, your hurt. I am standing beside you. As a white woman, I cannot walk this path for you but I will walk this path with you if you want me to. People around me will know that I am holding space for you. 

Survival

 It was scary. When your child has any type of medical episode, fear is the predominant feeling. The same is true when your child has a mental health episode. Most of the people in our lives know that we live with a child that has some significant mental health issues. Schizoaffective disorder is part of that diagnosis. At 3:30 a.m. we were awakened with an episode. 

We lead with our hearts. It's easiest that way. Our heart is where all of our compassion and thoughtfulness lie. We lead with calmness on the outside, inside you can be freaking out and feeling a lot of other things but nobody ever got through a mental health emergency peacefully and practically without love and compassion. 

What they were saying didn't make sense in our minds. It only mattered that it made sense in their mind. An "irrational" fear that the dog was somehow unsafe and that the dog had to go in the middle of the night. It made sense to them that the security cameras could track their movements and report to "them" the things that were going on in their mind and that "they" would then come and take them away. It made sense to them that the dog was a part of that. 

These are the times that I realize how much of what happens in the mind of my child is outside my ability to control. These are the times that I'm truly thankful to have a team of experts on stand-by to help us get through these moments, whether they occur in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day. 

Today, I'm in survival mode. My body can survive, occasionally, on a few hours of restless sleep. My mind will heal and my heart will heal. I've contacted the doctors to make sure we're on the right track. We made sure they have their medicine to help control those types of thoughts, even if they didn't seem to work last night. We will make sure they eat and rest today because even if their mind isn't completely aware of what happened last night, their body is. Today I will do more research on these types of episodes and triggers. Mental health is a continuous journey and the only way to combat it is to keep learning more about it. 

So today, we survive and heal. We remind ourselves of our blessings. We practice grace with each other. We lean on our support systems a little bit more. We heal. We survive so that tomorrow we may thrive. 

Nights

I sit here tonight, watching it snow through the windows, unable to sleep because I have a restless mom heart. There are way more questions than answers and that's probably one of the harder aspects of all of this. 

Obviously, I have questions about what happened that night. I have so many questions about all of that but I know that I won't get those answers. I know that in my lifetime, I may never be able to have an honest conversation with R about those questions. I also think that with all the trauma and all the protection she's doing of other people and her own mind, those questions may not even be able to be answered by her. 

So that leaves me with questions for the lawyers. It's hard to lay down and sleep knowing that there is so much that I don't know. I've watched a lot of crime shows. A lot of criminal documentaries. I know "just enough" about stuff to know that there are a lot of things that I want answers to.

My mind goes in circles with some of these things. Please understand that I do have extreme faith in His timing and know that He knows the way through all of this. That doesn't stop me from being nervous and crying for my girl and crying for her girl and crying for M's family and friends. That faith does not keep my mind from wandering through dark tunnels and circles. 

So I email the lawyer. I ask questions that may be too far in the future. I ask questions that are probably annoying to him. I ask questions about things that he just probably doesn't have the answers to right now. Thankfully, he's been patient with me. Thankfully, he's briefly explained what he can and pushed off questions that he doesn't know the answers to, or that he doesn't want to share the answers with me. Oh to be a fly on the wall when him and his co-lawyer are discussing this case. 

Is she just another troubled kid to him? Is she just someone that he's getting court-ordered to represent? I have to believe that he cares a little. If I don't believe that, then I'm likely to lose my mind in all of this. Is he just going through the motions or is he really fighting for her like he would any self-paying client? Does it matter as long as he represents her to the best of his ability? No lawyer likes to lose. No lawyer takes a case to waste their time and just simply collect a small payment (assuming the state does not pay as well as his self-pay clients). What do I know? Maybe I'm fooling myself in that area. 

So anyway...this is what I do when I should be sleeping but know that sleep will not come. This is what I do while I wait for my meds to kick in so that I can no longer fight the anxiety and sleep. Then I fall asleep and hope for dreamless nights because when the dreams come, they're usually filled with more things that I want the answers to but will not get. 

 

"We the People"

I have started and re-written this many times in the last 12 hours. I can't quite seem to find the right words. I worry that my Republican friends will be angry if I say too much and that my Democrat friends will be angry if I say too little. All of that leads me to not really wanting to say anything at all but that doesn't feel right to me. I feel like I NEED to say something. Not for anyone else, but for me. For me to know that I said something. For me to know that I did not stay quite and for me to look back on and remember these moments accurately.

What happened in Washington, D.C. on 1/6/2021 makes me feel...

I am angry. 

I am sad. 

I am in disbelief. 

I am scared. Not for my safety or livelihood but for my kids and my grandkids and the world. 

We the people deserve better. 

We the people need to do better. 

We the people need to stop pointing fingers and figure out how we got here and how we get out of here. 

I understand how Trump was elected. As much as I think people missed their mark by electing him specifically, I understand the feeling that we needed a change from our regular politicians. People wanted change. People wanted to get away from politicians who care about the party more than the people. 

I understand why Trump was not re-elected. Enough people realized that they missed the mark by electing a man who was not qualified to lead a country. Trump is not a leader. The majority of people who support him and fight for him, are not the majority of good Republicans. Not the majority of Republicans who care about our Nation and our livelihood. He's "leading" a group of extremists. He's like the popular guy in school who leads a group of stereotypical chuckleheads.

Now, I can recognize the good things that Trump has accomplished. He has had success in office. He has made deals happen and good things. That's because Trump is a business man. Not one that I would like to do business with but a successful business man. A good business man is not synonymous with good leader. 

That being said, the lead Democrats have spent the last 4 years fit throwing and fighting at every turn. They have refused to accept Trump as the President and that has created massive issues, as well as egg on a narcissistic ego maniac. Now, these are not the good Democrats who truly want to do what is right by the American people. These are not the life long politicians that have learned to compromise and work with people across the aisle that they may not like or agree with. 

I think what I'm saying in general is that "we the people" need help. We need a leader that will unite us and not divide us. We need politicians that will work for "we the people" and not just their party. "We the people" need real leaders. "We the people" need reform and we need it now. 

I pray. I pray for our families. I pray for healing. I pray for our leaders to please stand up and lead our country back to wholeness. 

*as a side note, I just read this to my husband and was interrupted by the tiny human who just said, "wait, is Trump real?" We said, "yes, of course he is. He is the President of the United States." She said, "is he green?" To which I replied, "no, he's orange." :) 

One Night

 I've mentioned, maybe a few times, that I'm internally exhausted at this point in my life. Yesterday, I forgot to take my lunch to work with me and I could have gone and picked something up but thought I would be fine. I ended up eating junk through the day. Yummy junk, but junk. Sesame sticks, some nuts, a couple cookies, chips...Needless to say, I felt like crap by 3:00. I had a headache and I was wiped out. When I got home at 4:30, I ate a couple turkey sticks and dinner could not come fast enough. 

I have a thing that I tell my kids, "if you're sitting at the table holding your head up, you are clearly in need of early bedtime." Well one of the kids was doing that last night and as I was demonstrating the behavior I wanted them to stop, I realized how great it felt. I clearly needed an early bedtime last night. 

Fighting all my "mom guilt," I asked my hubby if he could handle kids. I went to bed at 7:00 last night. I took my night meds, put on my jammies, turned off my ringer, curled up under my weighted blanket and turned on Netflix. I fully intended to fall asleep but didn't. 

It was very much needed. I got up this morning refreshed. I'm still tired because that's where I'm at right now but I feel like I can push through another day. I feel friendlier. I feel like the tasks on my list today will not drown me. I could still use a nap but that's physical tired and that's different then soul exhaustion. 

Today, I'm going to the gym. I feel like I can breathe again (literally...it's been tough) and so I'm having the hubs pick up the little from school and meeting a kiddo at the gym today. I'm hoping that helps with tonight's sleep. 

What I found out last night should not come as a huge shocker to anyone but my mom guilt, everyone was FINE. The hubs got the little to bed, the big kids took care of themselves, the world did not end. I don't HAVE to carry the weight of it all every single minute of every single day. Truthfully, my family will benefit from it today because I won't be crabby and I will be able to focus better today. 

Oh...and I brought my lunch today so I won't be protein deprived and overloaded with carbs! 

Take care of yourselves, friends. Your life needs you to hit pause every so often. 

Not Resolutions

 I feel like the phrase New Year's Resolutions puts an enormous amount of pressure on people. If you're like me and already feel that the weight of the world is putting enough pressure on you, the last thing you need is to create more for yourself. 

That being said, I do have some areas that I need to work on for myself. Not just this new year but in general and I feel like there is no time like the present to get started on them. 

In the middle of December I joined a gym. I was reading some of my "fb memories" and realized just how much I got from going to the gym every day. That seems like a million years ago but I remember feeling accomplished and proud of myself and more full of life. I haven't actually gone yet because...thanks, bronchitis...but hopefully this week will be the week. 

I'm beginning this journey with the R3 method. I can't really tell you a whole lot about it yet because I'm still learning it but meal replacements will be a part of it and from what I can tell it's mostly high protein and low carbs and that has worked really well for me in the past. 

I have also decided that it's time for me start seeing a new therapist. I broke up with my last one when most of my sessions turned out to be about her and her constant push to get my hubby to start seeing a therapist. She may have been right but that has to be decided by him and shouldn't be the focus of my therapy. I am okay. I just have some things I need to work on. It's harder to smile more days than I want it to be. There's a lot in my life that I cannot control so I need to get a better handle on the things that I can. I want to be the person I used to see myself being and I struggle to do that easily lately. My family doctor said to me that he "wishes me the wisdom to own what is mine and let go of what isn't." I apparently need some help with that as I know that I'm owning a lot of things that aren't mine. 

I'm sure that along this journey there will be many posts about the gym, weight management and self-growth posts. Bear with me...or unfollow me...lol. This is where it starts for me. We'll see what happens next. 

Happy New Year

 New Year's has come and gone. 

Tai had surgery yesterday and Rileigh and I have been sick so we cancelled any company coming over and kept it small. We still had way too much food but that's kind of how it goes here. There is always a lot of food. Traditionally we smoke a turkey and go to HyVee cheese section and get some fun stuff and have crackers and yummies. We did the same this year and agreed that we were not going to go overboard. Well, we tried. 

To be honest, I wasn't really looking forward to NYE so it really didn't bother me that we were not going out with a lot of people. I wanted it small so I didn't have to "fake" celebrating in the moments that I experienced anxious about upcoming year and sadness to be leaving behind some great times in 2020.  There were a LOT of moments in 2020 that were amazing! There were also some extremely difficult moments in 2020 and will be thankful to not ever have to live them again. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" - Charles Dickens, The Tale of Two Cities. Never was there a more true statement or more accurate description of 2020. 

I don't know how 2021 is going to pan out. I don't know if I will successfully accomplish my "resolutions" or if they will be long forgotten soon. I do know that life is truly about balance and that we will survive through whatever the year brings. There will be great moments and moments of sadness. There will continue to be a balance of life no matter what happened last year and no matter what happens this year.