Hate Won't Fix Us

 Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that there are cops that wake up in the morning and say, "I'm going to kill a person of color today." 

And yet, I know that people of color die at a much higher rate than white kids at the hands of police. 

Why? Why are people of color scarier and perceived as a higher threat than white people? I've seen the documentaries. I've read the articles. I've heard people talk about it. I still don't understand it. Why is my black son a threat when he stands 5'8" at 110 pounds while my white son is 6'7" at 300 pounds not? 

Looting, violence, and rioting don't seem to be the answer but neither does peaceful protest or standing in silence or meeting upon meeting. Baby steps are sometimes made and then giant backslides occur and not only are we no better off, but we appear to be worse off than before. 

I have heard "it's so much better than before" and that might be true but should we really be judging our progress by segregation in the 60's? In the 60's were they saying, "look at how much better it is than before, slavery was abolished." Shouldn't we be further? Don't we one day get to plant the flag and declare a victory in justice and equality for all? If not the years in the past and the cries of today, then when? Will my children have to teach their children that "I will always defend you so please don't make me bury you?" Wouldn't it be better if my children could say, "look at what the generation before us did to eliminating racism."

I don't know the answer. I don't know the hearts of the people who do the killing. I don't know the hearts of the people making the laws. I know that my heart is broken for another dead person of color. I know that my body is sick of trying to understand it and looking for ways to fix it. I won't stop. I will not stop learning as much as I can and advocating for those that can't advocate for themselves, or for those whose voices don't seem to matter as much as mine, a white woman in her 40's. I'll stand in front, beside, and behind those that need me to help have their voice heard. I'll continue to teach my children and my grandchildren that BLACK LIVES MATTER and that hate will not fix us, only love can do that. Love of ALL people who may not look like us, may not sound like us, may not have the same story as us.

What's Real?

This is such a confusing time. I honestly don't even know who to believe or what to believe from where. Half of the world is telling us that COVID-19 is going to kill us and that we are re-opening too soon and not taking this seriously. The other half of the world is telling us that we are over-reacting and that the world has made too big of a deal out of COVID-19.

Forget half the world. These are real conversations in my family, in my workplace, in the grocery store. How are any of us even supposed to know what to think? How to feel? When it will end? What precautions to take and what precautions are silly?

I don't know! On my social media feeds, I am bombarded with "you're not doing enough!" followed by the next post of "this is silly, you're doing too much!"

Our work office closed its doors in March and we have been mostly working from home. We are slowly starting to come back to the office but are not allowing clients to come in. Previously there were few restrictions in our shared building but now they are telling us to wear a mask upon entering the building. We can, fortunately, take it off once we have reached our suites but why is there a NEW mask requirement if COVID is supposed to be tapering off?

MY personal best advice is to do what makes you feel comfortable. If you are having interactions with me and you want me to put on a mask, just ask me to. I won't be offended. I sometimes wear it and sometimes don't. I am diligent about washing my hands anywhere I go and when I come home from being somewhere.

I'm trying. I think that's really all any of us can do. I just wish I knew what the reality was and who to trust and turn to for accurate information. I guess that's what this post is really about. I don't trust information for the sources available.

The Right Words

 When I say, "Black Lives Matter," my white children do not say, "what about us? Don't we matter too?" 

They don't say that because they know they know that they do. They understand that the world is a little less fair and a little more dangerous for their black siblings. 

When I wear my LGBTQ+ shirts and celebrate Pride Month, my straight children do not say, "what about us? Don't you celebrate us too?" 

They don't say that because they know that I celebrate them too. They know that the world is a little harder and a little less fair to their LGBTQ+ siblings. 

When I make posts during Infant Loss month, my living children do not say, "what about us? Aren't you glad that we're alive?" 

They don't say it because they know I'm glad that they're alive. They don't say it because they get that in that moment, my sorrow and memories are not for them but for the 6 babies that we welcomed into Heaven before we got to hold them in our arms. 

What is so hard to understand about these things? Why does an entire portion of the population not get these things? I'm not talking about the blatantly obvious racists in society either. I'm asking about the people who love my children. I'm asking about the good people in society; people that I know are good. 

How do we help people understand the systemic racism that has been a part of our societies for as long as our country has been alive? How do we help people understand that our country was born and thrived on the backs of people of color and that simply because slavery is outlawed, racism is still legal. 

There are laws on the books, recent laws, that provide marginalized people extra protections because they NEED extra protections? The laws on hate crimes were only recently made and they are created out of a need for them. How do everyday people not understand that? They don't protest these; well most people don't, but still don't recognize why they're put into place. 

I don't know the right words to teach people. I most often sit back and scroll past their posts. I most often quietly ignore their baiting comments when I hear them in public. I don't want to become an internet troll but I also don't want to just ignore these comments and posts anymore. 

What are the right words? My intention isn't to be confrontational. I truly just want to educate people because I do believe that most people are good. I do believe if they truly understood why what they're saying is hurtful to people, they would choose not to say them. Maybe I'm just hopeful of that. 

Here We Are...Still

In March, when we were all sent home, I thought that I would write a little something each day to have something to look back on during this unprecedented time. Then I switched to once a week. Then I switched to when things happened that just seemed to0 unreal. Then...I just couldn't anymore. It just became life and the mundane and everyday of everything.

So 5 months later...here we are...still. Things are moving in a different direction now. We are seeing more and more life outside of the house and yet, things still aren't "normal". I wonder what "normal" will feel like. Is this it? Is it just taking it all one day at a time? One news cycle at a time? One "COVID-19 Dial Change" at a time? 

First the kids were kept home from school break. Then I was sent home to work from my table. The JobCorps kid was sent home. The guys were sent home to work from our basement. School was switched to remote learning for the rest of the school year. A child was hospitalized for mental health issues. A child was furloughed from work. Unemployment was applied for. The store became a really scary place to go and it took a couple days to recover from the mental aspect of the stores being scary. 

Then we looked at the bright side of things. "Family Dinner" became more frequent. We ordered groceries for delivery so that the store didn't have to be scary. We shopped online and looked forward to deliveries. We played more family games. We ordered out for dinner more often (I called that stimulating the economy but it was really more about fighting the boredom). We reached out to friends. 

We had more meaningful anniversaries and birthdays because we couldn't just "go out and do something". We had more fire pits and got lost in sleep cycles. We went to the drive-thru safari weekly just to get out of the house and still stay safe. 

In May, two of the kids and I went on a road-trip and helped a friend move to AZ. We saw what the pandemic meant in other parts of the country. The world exploded with protests. The world seemed to become a super scary place with battles in our country headlining social media. Sometimes it felt like that war was in our own home. 

Members of extended family became closer. We formed a new bond over struggles with the issues of social distancing and a frightening war outside our windows. Mental health battles have become more prevalent in this new "normal" world that we're living in. 

Two weeks ago I got sick. My body was in constant pain and I developed symptoms of COVID-19. I started coughing and got extremely worn down. I had headaches and a sore, scratchy throat. TestNebraska has ruled out COVID and I'm starting to feel better. Colds hit me harder (probably not helped by the fact that I smoke) but I also have fibromyalgia and Type II diabetes and early onset osteoperosis. All of those things that I never really thought about before had me scared that I had exposed people and had brought this pandemic to their lives in a whole new way. Symptoms brought me back to working from my kitchen table as we waited for the results. I didn't leave the house. 

Next week, I start my new "in-office" work hours. Tuesday, Wed., and Fridays from 9-3 in the office as we try to stagger schedules in the office as a way to keep everyone safe. Working from home the other 2 days. My school age kiddos got to go back to school full-time as they go to a smaller school so social distancing is easier than the big schools. We don't know how long it will last. We are hopeful that they will be able to continue in-person for as long as possible. Who knows what will happen in the coming months? The work-from-home guys are here until at least Thanksgiving, most likely through the end of the year. The laid off daughter got to go back to work. We hope that isn't just temporary. The JobCorps kiddo is still home with no signs of going back anytime soon but he's working and doing online school work to stay active. 

So here we are...still...5 months into a global pandemic with no end in sight and all the talks of a "second wave" and scary talks about what flu season will look like. I don't think we can call this the "new normal" because it all changes month to month, week to week, and day by day but here we are...still. Here we'll be...