The 1st One

On our first Christmas without Anitra, I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to do all the festive family things that were going on. I didn't want a Christmas that didn't include Anitra.

My kids still needed to 'do' Christmas. They still needed me to be present for their Christmas. In fact, they probably needed more that 1st Christmas than any other Christmas.

So I got up...and I was sick. Like, really sick. My stomach was a mess. I felt like death. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think anyone would believe me if I told them I was sick. I figured they would think I was just trying to get out of Christmas.

I laid on the couch while kids opened their gifts. I helped put together new toys and took pictures and we made some memories. And I got up every few minutes and ran to the bathroom and got sick.

When the wrapping paper was all picked up and the kids were playing, I laid on the couch and thought about death. Not Anitra's death, but mine. That maybe if I got sick one more time, I would actually just die. (Not that I'm dramatic at all.)

And then I laughed. I knew why I was sick. I knew that it was Anitra making sure I knew she was with us. Because in that moment, the only thing I could think to do was drink warm jello. That was Anitra's answer for all your tummy troubles. Anytime someone was sick, she was pushing that dang Jello.

I always fought it. But on this very important Christmas, I got up and made some warm orange Jello and drank it. And then I laid down and let it do it's magic and not only did I not get sick again, I actually felt better. I was able to play with the kids and hang out with our family and tell fun stories of Anitra and Christmas' past.

Somehow, she always just let's us know she's with us. We miss her this Christmas, just as we have in the past but know that she's with us. In our hearts, in our stories, in our games, in our kids. She'll always be with us. That's how we keep her alive.

Big Week

This is a BIG week!

We find out if Tai will need surgery on her knee. We bring Tai home for Christmas break. The kids have finals. Portfolios are due for Trey on Wed at Zoo school.

On Thursday, we go to Kansas City to get Tai! We haven't seen her in 6 months so needless to say, we're all pretty excited about that!

We celebrated our 1st family Christmas today with the Carson families. Saturday will be Christmas with the Rice families. Sunday we'll go to church and have soup and look at Christmas lights. Christmas morning, we'll be up and opening gifts and then off to Kearney. It will be a quick trip because the mom and dad have to work the next morning.

During all of that, I will be praying for peace and love and light in your families, and ours. I will pray for safe travels and I will pray that God be present in all of your Christmas plans. For those of you grieving this Christmas, my heart hugs are with you. We always have a few moments of grieving each holiday that our family is not all with us too.

"Your Favorite Blogs" (17 of 30)

So...confession...I don't read a ton of blogs. I see things from people I know or things that pop-up in my facebook feed and so I don't really follow a lot. I'm sure that's breaking some "blogger's code" or something but that's what I do. 

My favorite blog is mine. Not because I think I write exceptionally well, but because it's a great outlet for me. I love writing. I wish I could always think of great things to write about but...welcome to my life! 

Another favorite is my G's. She just recently started writing but if her first 3 posts are any indication of how she will do, she's going to be great and I look forward to reading many, many more.

Favorite number 3...MY FRIEND'S! Asian Treaures, Macaroni Wednesdays, Keeping up With Kelsey, Gretchen, Shauna...I truly enjoy reading each of the pieces that you publish. I love hearing about what's going on in your lives and I love getting the chance to read your thoughts! You each inspire me to keep writing. 

I also truly enjoy most of the guest writers from To Write Love on Her Arms. TWLOHA is an organization that brings light, and help, to thousands of people living with mental health issues. They have guest bloggers and I enjoy reading the things they write. It is almost always a way to feel a little less alone in the very dark world that depression can be. 

Mom blogs are fun, though I don't follow any faithfully. I wish I were as humorous, insightful, and creative as they were! I wish, when my kiddos were younger, I had been able to capture all the hilarious mom things that make me laugh when I read them. 

So yeah...it's a pretty random list. Do you have any that you would recommend I actively follow? 

When I get to Heaven

When I was in 8th grade, I met my mom and two of my sisters at the movie Ghost. I hadn't seen them for at least 5 years. When I got there, Anitra was literally hopping up and down. She was so excited. This adorable little blonde child (okay, she probably wasn't all that adorable, she was 15) but she was so child-like. She instantly hugged me and mostly didn't let go of me the entire movie. 

I was thinking today about her last days with us. She was hallucinating and she kept asking me if I could see the little girl in the picture. The little girl was beckoning her to follow her on a path through the flowers and tall grass. It's actually a beautiful image and as I think about it now, I am able to see that the little girl was her and that she was beckoning Anitra home to safety.

To be clear, there was a painting with flowers and a path and a beautiful sky. There was not a little girl in the painting, and there certainly wasn't anyone beckoning her. It was terrifying to her. She believed that the nurses were lying when they said there wasn't anyone in the painting and that the painting wasn't moving. She wanted so badly for me to be able to see it. I couldn't see it then but I can now. 

I believe that when Anitra took her life, God never left her side. I believe that she was in peace from the  moment she decided to end her life and that it was not scary or painful for her. It's possible that I'm wrong, but I don't think so. Maybe I need it to be that way, maybe it was that way. 

I miss her. I miss her laugh. I miss her energy. The laughter and energy when she was well. Those fleeting moments towards the end of her life when her world wasn't dark and scary.  

I think about how much life I have left to live. I thought about how at the end of my life, it won't be sad because I think she'll be there, waiting for me on the other side. She'll be a beautiful, youthful blonde girl, hopping up and down and will give me a hug and maybe, just maybe, not want to let go of me. She'll introduce me to Jesus and she'll be with me to greet my babies that have gone before me. 

"Your Thoughts on Education" (16 of 30)

Okay, I can do this...I don't like to write my personal opinions on super important topics. A) I'm not putting them out there for debate 2) I am completely unqualified to base most of my opinions on important topics on anything other than feelings. So...in light of all of that, this will be completely unpolitical and uneducated (funny considering the topic) and my opinion.

1) I think that people who go into teaching because they truly care about the students and the world are amazing! I think, generally speaking, that they don't make enough for the amount of work, heart, and soul that they do. I think that we pay the wrong people in society the wrong amounts and teachers, good teachers, should make more. I think teachers should be respected more. I think children are not taught to respect their teachers.

2) I think that kids do not learn all the same way and we do a disservice to them by trying to teach them all the same way, which takes me to number 3.

3) We need smaller schools and smaller classrooms and more teachers. Classroom sizes are too big. Kids get lost in the crowd. If you're a great student you get noticed and if you're a troubled student you get noticed and all the kids that fall in the middle of those, get lost. It's not the teachers fault. It's not the schools fault. It's just how it's designed.

4) I am not a fan of standardized testing. I don't think that it truly measures the student's abilities or intelligence. I think that there are a lot of really smart kids who don't test well. We opt one of children out of the NeSA test because of the anxiety that it produces. I don't think that's the answer for all kids but it is for this one. Please note that our other children have all taken the NeSA and will continue to do so. It's just not right for one of them.

So those are my big thoughts. I don't offer solutions to these because I don't know what the solutions are and like I said earlier, I'm completely unqualified to make those decisions.

Christmas Traditions

In case you somehow missed the warnings that the advertisers are shouting at you, Christmas will be here soon. Very soon. Are you ready? I'm not. I have very few items actually ready. I have very few ideas, except for some handmade gifts but I'm not prepared for those either! 

I could do some online shopping and get more prepared but that seems a little stressful. So instead, I'm going to focus on something that DOESN'T stress me out...Family Christmas Traditions...

When I was little, we would go to Christmas Eve mass and go to Grandma and Grandpa's house and have chili, chicken noodle, and oyster stew with crackers and cheese. On the way home, we would drive around town and look at Christmas lights. 

• Now that I have kids, we go to Christmas Eve service, have soup with cheese and crackers and load the kids up in the van with our hot chocolate and go look at Christmas lights. We come home and the kids exchange their 'Secret Sibling' gifts and then it's off to bed so Santa can come.

• 'Secret Sibling' is a fun tradition we have for our children. Sometime after Thanksgiving, the kids make small lists with gift ranging in the $5-10 area. They then draw a name out of a hat and that is the sibling they must gift something to. The kids then do a chore for Steve and I to earn the money to buy the gift for their sibling. We usually make a fun night of eating out and then going shopping for their 'Secret Sibling' gift too. We want to teach the kids the joy of giving and we also want the kids to see that we work to give them the gifts that we give them. This has been a fun tradition and I hope we continue on for many more years! 

• The Christmas tree almost always goes up the weekend following Thanksgiving. I have a very stern rule that it doesn't go up before that. I also like to tell people they can't sing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving but I lose that battle and I really only tell them that because it's funny to hear them argue about it. :)

• Every year the kids and I make Christmas goodies and take deliver a goody basket to the Northeast Police Substation. We either take them on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I want the kids to recognize that there are people still working to keep us safe on the holidays. 

I know there are other things that we do but those are the big ones. Those are the ones that would be missed the most, I hope, if we didn't do them. Those are traditions that I hope some of our children will carry with them to their families, or hang around and do them with us still. 

What are some of your favorite traditions? 

Where Will You Be in 5 Years (15 of 30)

Ahhh...the million dollar question...let's see...

Tai might be married so I might be a mother-in-law.

The boys will have graduated from high school and G will just be getting ready to graduate so, God-willing, we will only have two kids in the house. That will be weird.

Steve will most likely have his master's degree by then so who knows will that will lead us.

I might have finally gotten my degree. I'm certainly not doing what I intend to be doing in 5 years in the career field, so I don't know.

Here's what I know...

I will be loving my growing, changing family. I will be cheering on each of my children in whatever endeavor they are taking on. I will be loving my friends and my family through good times and bad times. I will welcome new members to our family and smile as we grow even more beyond our 3, and then 3 more kids. I will be excitedly waiting, but not rushing, to have more grandchildren. I will be learning to cook for less people and learning to add onto our table for big family dinners.

I will be praising the Lord for the gifts that He has shown us.

I've learned in life that five years is a really quick time span but that a lot of things can happen in that amount of time. I've learned that it isn't really for me to know what I will be doing in 5 years. I can have goals for sure. I can pray about it but in my life, it's about God's will. Also, I've learned that if I am absolutely, positively certain something will be one way, it's probably going to be something I could never even have planned for.

What might you be praying for in 5 years?

3 Healthy Habits (Day 14 of 30)

I looked at today's topic and said, aloud, "I can't write about healthy habits!" I smoke, I'm overweight, I let my anxiety get the best of me, I eat too much, I yell...the list goes on. So WHAT healthy habits DO I have?

1) I TRY, usually successfully, to be in bed at a good time. Sometimes that is at 9:30 and sometimes that is 10:00. On a REALLY good night, I get to be in bed at 9:00. It takes me awhile to fall asleep so if I'm not medicated by at least 10:00, I am really tired the next day. Now, obviously there are times I fail at this. This week was awful for sleep! I'm hoping to be in bed by 9:30 tomorrow night.

2) I cook healthy meals. Sometimes I eat too much of it but I really do try to keep the fat and calories down in the meals I cook. We also try to substitute foods to make meals healthier. I try to cook with low-fat options. (I'm tempted to write about our huge cheese addiction in this house but I'm trying to stay positive!)

3) We eat family meals at the table and share as a family. Our family has a tradition of "The best part of your day." At dinner time, we go around the table and everyone has to say the best thing that happened to them that day. This is a great chance to hear about what is going on in our kid's lives and also allows them to take a minute and appreciate something about their day.

Now that I write those, I realize we DO have a couple of other healthy habits. Can I just take a moment to recognize that this post is a LOT shorter than most of my other posts. HAHA!!!