Safe and Somber

Our beautiful G is in the hospital again. She had a little set back. We have been well informed by many in the profession that this would likely happen again. It doesn't make it any easier...

She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.

For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.

Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.

"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.

We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.

We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks. 

The Holiday Season

Our gracious Board of Directors gifted all of my staff with the week off between Christmas and New Years. I "worked" (we had a party) until 3:00 on the 21st and go back to work in the morning.

It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that  my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.

I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.

We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.

We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.

I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.

Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.