Momma Heart

 His mom called this morning. I was afraid to talk to her. What do you say to the woman who's son was murdered by your child? My heart hurts for her and all of his loved ones, but especially her momma heart. 

You tell her that she's in your prayers and that you are so sorry for this situation and you tell her how sorry your daughter is. You tell the truth about how your daughter is doing and how badly she feels and you tell her thank you for continuing to love your daughter and her daughter. 

I have said it before but truly, there is nothing easy about any of this. My heart hurts for his family. They don't hate his murderer because they love her and she's family. She's their sister, granddaughter, step-daughter, cousin, step-sister, niece...which probably makes it all more confusing and sad for them. 

I am reminded daily how blessed we are in all of this. Yes, we are blessed in the midst of this nightmare. The love that has been shown from his family, his fiance, and El's family has been a huge blessing. To know that there is such a huge network of people praying for her and wishing her well. 

We are blessed. 

Sad Heart

 My momma heart is so sad. That's the simplest and most accurate way to describe how I'm feeling. I put on this really brave, hopeful face as I go through the days. My kids need me to be strong, they look to me to make sure that things are okay. I explain to people what is going on and tell them that we are hopeful that the charges will be reduced. 

This was a hard week. I look at the charging statements of evidence and I know that if she were the victim and the not the defendant, I would want them to get the harshest sentence that they could. My daughter is the defendant and so I hope and I pray for a sentence that will bring her home before I die. A sentence that will bring her home to see her daughter and her daughter's children grow. My husband reminds me that the evidence is supposed to look hard and that it is supposed to be one sided. I know he's right but I also know that within that evidence, at least most parts are true. 

Will I ever hug my child again? Will she ever be in another family picture? Will our hearts heal? Will her daughter's heart heal? Will she ever be at another holiday gathering? These are some of the questions that torture me throughout the day and night. 

Even if they are able to get the charges reduced, I will be 83 years old before she comes home. Will I live that long? Will I remember her in my old age? I never intended to live that long. I mean, I realize that isn't really all of mine to say, but living to be that age was never a goal for me. Now I must. Now I have no choice if this is the sentencing we get. 

So yes, my heart is sad. It feels so heavy lately that I feel like I might actually drown in the sadness. 

Tired

 I am tired. The kind of tired that sucks the soul out of you. The kind of tired that no amount of sleep will cure. The kind of tired that requires love, patience, self-care, rest, and peace. 

I did spend the night eating out and last minute Christmas shopping with my hubby. That's why my feet are so tired. That's why my back is tired. That's why my legs are tired. 

My soul is tired from the year of insanity. Believe me, there were some amazing, beautiful moments this year that I wouldn't trade for the world. I would live this year over and over again to have those moments again. 

As with all things in life, there is balance. We started the year with a cancer scare and are ending the year with a pending court-case for our daughter and a pending case to protect our granddaughter. We are ending the year with a new job for one son and back to school for another son and surgery for a daughter. We end the year with a sad heart for one child and a happy heart for a granddaughter who is going to have an amazing Christmas with a special visitor. We look at pictures from vacations we were able to go on and end the year planning vacations for next year. 

So yes, there were amazing moments, lots of them but also sad moments, terrifying moments, moments we wish we would never have to re-live. These are the moments that have my soul tired. 

I'll be okay. My soul will heal, it always does. Tomorrow will come and there will be highs and lows for that day as well. Christmas will come and there will be some sad moments while we miss our loved ones that we can't be with but also really joyous moments of the family that can be together and the gifts and the meals and the remembering of the reason for this season. 

Just know that if your soul is tired, if you feel like you're on a rollercoaster and you aren't a huge fan of rollercoasters, that it's okay. Your soul will heal. You are not alone. You are worthy of each emotion and you are worthy of just saying, "my soul is tired." 

Questions Keeping Me Up

 Honestly, I just can't make sense of this. 

Most of Rythm's life, I have been scared for her. I have been scared of the choices that were being made for her. I have been scared of the situations that she has put herself into. Scared of what could happen to her by the people that were put in her life and the people that she seemed to choose to friend and be with. 

I have never once, in all of the crap we've been through, been scared of her. Never. And let me say, we've been through some crap. 

How is it possible that my little girl, the one who first made me an aunt, the one who kept us up for hours crying as a baby (as babies often do), the one who I held through broken hearts, scary situations, the birth of her baby possibly have done what she says she's done?

I don't know that I will have an answer to that. She doesn't even seem to know so I don't know how she could possibly tell me. 

Yes, Rythm had a dark and angry side. A side that was usually brought out when she was fearful but nothing like this. I can't even truly imagine her holding a gun in a position to shoot someone. I can't see it. I can't make sense of it. I can't vision this scenario.  In a drug-fueled rage, I can't vision it. Of course, I've never really seen her in a drug-fueled rage. I've seen drug-fueled anger and paranoia but not the type of rage that must have been there in a situation like this. 

She was doing so well. She had a life. She was working and she had an apartment and she wasn't using hard drugs. It's probable that she was drinking but I've never seen her angry when drinking. Hurt and sad and silly but never angry. For the first time, she seemed to be with a man who was really good to her. She was parenting her child in a way that I was proud of. She was so proud of herself. 

So what happened that made her snap? I don't know the relationship that she and Marcel had. I know they both had short fuses. I have heard that they fought frequently but that they also spent almost every weekend together. I have heard that he was helping her when money was tight. I have heard that they were together earlier that day without any issues. 

So why? What happened? I'm not interested in blaming Marcel. It's not his fault that he's dead. I just need to know what happened. What were they fighting about? What was said or done that caused her to grab a gun? Did she fear for her safety? Was she just tired of hurtful words? Did she fear for El's safety? Did she fear for A's safety? Did she truly just snap or was this a build up? 

These are the thoughts that are keeping a broken-hearted momma and grammy awake tonight. Sometimes it helps to put them out there and sometimes it doesn't. I just know I need to figure out a way to make peace with questions that I will most likely never get the answers to. 

Day 3

 My heart is broken into so many little pieces. This is awful. It feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. How can my beautiful girl be sitting in jail on a 1st degree murder charge? How did we get here? Will we be able to keep Rileigh and will we be able to keep her safe from all the awful dangers in the world? Will we be able to protect her from the sadness of the choices her mother has made? 

I wish we had been better able to protect Rythm from the sadness in the world and the dangers of things that she's been exposed to. 

When we got the call from the detective early Sunday morning, we thought she was dead. When the detective said first degree murder charge, we worried it was Rileigh. There was a huge relief when we found out it wasn't either of them but nothing could have prepared us for the rest. 

Today, day 3 of this nightmare, we fight. We figure out how to save Rileigh. We figure out how to get Rythm the help that she needs. We struggle to find a peace or normalcy. It's so much. 

It is devastating to hear your daughter call herself a killer. It's devastating to sit and watch her cry the whole time we are able to have a video call. 

There's no sense to be made of any of this. There is no happy ending. 

Hate Won't Fix Us

 Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that there are cops that wake up in the morning and say, "I'm going to kill a person of color today." 

And yet, I know that people of color die at a much higher rate than white kids at the hands of police. 

Why? Why are people of color scarier and perceived as a higher threat than white people? I've seen the documentaries. I've read the articles. I've heard people talk about it. I still don't understand it. Why is my black son a threat when he stands 5'8" at 110 pounds while my white son is 6'7" at 300 pounds not? 

Looting, violence, and rioting don't seem to be the answer but neither does peaceful protest or standing in silence or meeting upon meeting. Baby steps are sometimes made and then giant backslides occur and not only are we no better off, but we appear to be worse off than before. 

I have heard "it's so much better than before" and that might be true but should we really be judging our progress by segregation in the 60's? In the 60's were they saying, "look at how much better it is than before, slavery was abolished." Shouldn't we be further? Don't we one day get to plant the flag and declare a victory in justice and equality for all? If not the years in the past and the cries of today, then when? Will my children have to teach their children that "I will always defend you so please don't make me bury you?" Wouldn't it be better if my children could say, "look at what the generation before us did to eliminating racism."

I don't know the answer. I don't know the hearts of the people who do the killing. I don't know the hearts of the people making the laws. I know that my heart is broken for another dead person of color. I know that my body is sick of trying to understand it and looking for ways to fix it. I won't stop. I will not stop learning as much as I can and advocating for those that can't advocate for themselves, or for those whose voices don't seem to matter as much as mine, a white woman in her 40's. I'll stand in front, beside, and behind those that need me to help have their voice heard. I'll continue to teach my children and my grandchildren that BLACK LIVES MATTER and that hate will not fix us, only love can do that. Love of ALL people who may not look like us, may not sound like us, may not have the same story as us.

What's Real?

This is such a confusing time. I honestly don't even know who to believe or what to believe from where. Half of the world is telling us that COVID-19 is going to kill us and that we are re-opening too soon and not taking this seriously. The other half of the world is telling us that we are over-reacting and that the world has made too big of a deal out of COVID-19.

Forget half the world. These are real conversations in my family, in my workplace, in the grocery store. How are any of us even supposed to know what to think? How to feel? When it will end? What precautions to take and what precautions are silly?

I don't know! On my social media feeds, I am bombarded with "you're not doing enough!" followed by the next post of "this is silly, you're doing too much!"

Our work office closed its doors in March and we have been mostly working from home. We are slowly starting to come back to the office but are not allowing clients to come in. Previously there were few restrictions in our shared building but now they are telling us to wear a mask upon entering the building. We can, fortunately, take it off once we have reached our suites but why is there a NEW mask requirement if COVID is supposed to be tapering off?

MY personal best advice is to do what makes you feel comfortable. If you are having interactions with me and you want me to put on a mask, just ask me to. I won't be offended. I sometimes wear it and sometimes don't. I am diligent about washing my hands anywhere I go and when I come home from being somewhere.

I'm trying. I think that's really all any of us can do. I just wish I knew what the reality was and who to trust and turn to for accurate information. I guess that's what this post is really about. I don't trust information for the sources available.

The Right Words

 When I say, "Black Lives Matter," my white children do not say, "what about us? Don't we matter too?" 

They don't say that because they know they know that they do. They understand that the world is a little less fair and a little more dangerous for their black siblings. 

When I wear my LGBTQ+ shirts and celebrate Pride Month, my straight children do not say, "what about us? Don't you celebrate us too?" 

They don't say that because they know that I celebrate them too. They know that the world is a little harder and a little less fair to their LGBTQ+ siblings. 

When I make posts during Infant Loss month, my living children do not say, "what about us? Aren't you glad that we're alive?" 

They don't say it because they know I'm glad that they're alive. They don't say it because they get that in that moment, my sorrow and memories are not for them but for the 6 babies that we welcomed into Heaven before we got to hold them in our arms. 

What is so hard to understand about these things? Why does an entire portion of the population not get these things? I'm not talking about the blatantly obvious racists in society either. I'm asking about the people who love my children. I'm asking about the good people in society; people that I know are good. 

How do we help people understand the systemic racism that has been a part of our societies for as long as our country has been alive? How do we help people understand that our country was born and thrived on the backs of people of color and that simply because slavery is outlawed, racism is still legal. 

There are laws on the books, recent laws, that provide marginalized people extra protections because they NEED extra protections? The laws on hate crimes were only recently made and they are created out of a need for them. How do everyday people not understand that? They don't protest these; well most people don't, but still don't recognize why they're put into place. 

I don't know the right words to teach people. I most often sit back and scroll past their posts. I most often quietly ignore their baiting comments when I hear them in public. I don't want to become an internet troll but I also don't want to just ignore these comments and posts anymore. 

What are the right words? My intention isn't to be confrontational. I truly just want to educate people because I do believe that most people are good. I do believe if they truly understood why what they're saying is hurtful to people, they would choose not to say them. Maybe I'm just hopeful of that. 

Here We Are...Still

In March, when we were all sent home, I thought that I would write a little something each day to have something to look back on during this unprecedented time. Then I switched to once a week. Then I switched to when things happened that just seemed to0 unreal. Then...I just couldn't anymore. It just became life and the mundane and everyday of everything.

So 5 months later...here we are...still. Things are moving in a different direction now. We are seeing more and more life outside of the house and yet, things still aren't "normal". I wonder what "normal" will feel like. Is this it? Is it just taking it all one day at a time? One news cycle at a time? One "COVID-19 Dial Change" at a time? 

First the kids were kept home from school break. Then I was sent home to work from my table. The JobCorps kid was sent home. The guys were sent home to work from our basement. School was switched to remote learning for the rest of the school year. A child was hospitalized for mental health issues. A child was furloughed from work. Unemployment was applied for. The store became a really scary place to go and it took a couple days to recover from the mental aspect of the stores being scary. 

Then we looked at the bright side of things. "Family Dinner" became more frequent. We ordered groceries for delivery so that the store didn't have to be scary. We shopped online and looked forward to deliveries. We played more family games. We ordered out for dinner more often (I called that stimulating the economy but it was really more about fighting the boredom). We reached out to friends. 

We had more meaningful anniversaries and birthdays because we couldn't just "go out and do something". We had more fire pits and got lost in sleep cycles. We went to the drive-thru safari weekly just to get out of the house and still stay safe. 

In May, two of the kids and I went on a road-trip and helped a friend move to AZ. We saw what the pandemic meant in other parts of the country. The world exploded with protests. The world seemed to become a super scary place with battles in our country headlining social media. Sometimes it felt like that war was in our own home. 

Members of extended family became closer. We formed a new bond over struggles with the issues of social distancing and a frightening war outside our windows. Mental health battles have become more prevalent in this new "normal" world that we're living in. 

Two weeks ago I got sick. My body was in constant pain and I developed symptoms of COVID-19. I started coughing and got extremely worn down. I had headaches and a sore, scratchy throat. TestNebraska has ruled out COVID and I'm starting to feel better. Colds hit me harder (probably not helped by the fact that I smoke) but I also have fibromyalgia and Type II diabetes and early onset osteoperosis. All of those things that I never really thought about before had me scared that I had exposed people and had brought this pandemic to their lives in a whole new way. Symptoms brought me back to working from my kitchen table as we waited for the results. I didn't leave the house. 

Next week, I start my new "in-office" work hours. Tuesday, Wed., and Fridays from 9-3 in the office as we try to stagger schedules in the office as a way to keep everyone safe. Working from home the other 2 days. My school age kiddos got to go back to school full-time as they go to a smaller school so social distancing is easier than the big schools. We don't know how long it will last. We are hopeful that they will be able to continue in-person for as long as possible. Who knows what will happen in the coming months? The work-from-home guys are here until at least Thanksgiving, most likely through the end of the year. The laid off daughter got to go back to work. We hope that isn't just temporary. The JobCorps kiddo is still home with no signs of going back anytime soon but he's working and doing online school work to stay active. 

So here we are...still...5 months into a global pandemic with no end in sight and all the talks of a "second wave" and scary talks about what flu season will look like. I don't think we can call this the "new normal" because it all changes month to month, week to week, and day by day but here we are...still. Here we'll be...

Momma Heart

I'm writing today as the mother of African American children...

My heart hurts. I'm sad about the world today. I'm angry. I'm confused. I feel helpless. I don't want my children to leave the house. I don't want my children to live in this terrifying world today. I want to protect them and I know that there is only so much that I can do. I want the world to see ALL of my children, but ESPECIALLY my African American children as children. Children who are exploring the world and learning the wrongs and rights. Children who have harmed no one.

My 19 year old African American son said to me yesterday, "I wish I was white." No, baby. No! I want you to embrace your African American culture. I want you to be proud of who you are. I want you to recognize the history of your people and feel pride in overcoming the obstacles put forth because of the color of your skin. How can he feel pride in those things when he's scared? How can he embrace those things when they are the very things that make him a target?

If we're being completely honest, I said to my husband the night before, "is it wrong that I'm glad he's a homebody with very light colored skin?" It IS wrong! As a mother, we shouldn't have to fear for our children's lives because of the color of their skin!

The world is so broken. I was going to say, "it's so broken right now" but the truth is that this world has been broken for a very long time. Yes, the country has made progress but we need to do more. We need to acknowledge the injustices in this country. We need to address the differences in the courts, in the grocery stores, in the way we police societies. We need to see the colors in order to embrace the colors.

We must do better. We must do more. We must do what needs to be done to fight these injustices. We must continue to educate people about these differences so they can understand where the anger and hurt come from. We must stop accepting bigotry and start calling it out for what it is. We must stop turning our heads because it's uncomfortable. We must face these facts and actions head on.

BLACK LIVES MATTER UNTIL ALL LIVES MATTER!

Emotion Cycling

When you have bi-polar, you are used to emotions cycling. The greatest gift I have given myself over the years, is learning what has caused me to cycle. That allows me to recognize that it's the manic cycle and then I can have better control of it. Sometimes it takes a little bit for me to recognize it. Sometimes I need a gentle reminder from a loved one that I'm shifting.

The problem with all this world changing every second of every minute, and social distancing, is that I am experiencing so many cycles in a much shorter time span and not able to figure out why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and not able to anticipate the cycle. The cycles have become shorter and more often. I'm trying to manage that to the best of my ability. Sometimes I win and sometimes ($400 grocery bill later) I lose.

It's taking a toll on me.

April 3, 2020

The announcement was finally made that the remainder of the school year will occur at home through remote learning. My heart is sad for these kiddos. They miss their friends and activities. There will be no final choir concert for R; no end of year play for G; no 8th grade "grad" party, and the list goes on. The kids are actually taking it pretty well. I know they're bummed.

It has been fun to hear R laugh with her friends on phone calls. It's been amazing to see G use absolutely all of the resources to make this experience work for them. They have become such an advocate for their own mental health that it's promising for their future. That doesn't mean there aren't challenges, it just means that they are seem to be navigating them to the best of their abilities.

This week the world lost Joe Diffie (country music singer) and the co-writer to Stacey's Mom to the virus. Those are the famous people that I've heard about. Takshi69 was released from prison early. Countless non-violent offenders are being released from jail early all over the world.

Life is constantly changing and it feels like just when we get the swing of a new routine there's another shift. They have not put Lincoln on "stay at home" orders but I think eventually they might.

Week 4/5 Begins

Tomorrow begins week 4 working at home. Week 5 of the kids being home from school because Spring Break was the week before they canceled school.

We bought a bearded dragon. We are saying "blame it on the covid" a lot around here. While it's true that I always wanted one of the boys to want a reptile when they were growing up, I never thought we'd actually ever have one. Especially not at this point in life. She's fantastic and her name is Quari (sometimes we just call her Q). She for sure is an impulse buy even though we spent a couple days planning for her. I had a panic attack the first night we had her because I could NOT believe I spent that much on a reptile and I could not believe that this was now going to become something in my life but since then I've been mostly excited about her.

Friday was Good Friday and since we couldn't do our usual annual Easter Egg Dying at my mom's, we surprised her with a Zoom gathering. My kids did eggs and we grilled hamburgers and red hot dogs. My sister-in-law and her kids, my sister, and Rythm and Rileigh all joined us. Mom was super excited and surprised and the Easter Bunny even made an appearance.

Today was Easter and I decided that I was still going to wear my Easter dress. I had to wear leggings under it because...NEBRASKA...but it was nice to get dressed, do my hair, and put on make-up. We made ham (and had a chicken) with mashed potatoes, gravy and the sides. We did a basket hiding for the kids that were here and played games. Then Gee and I had a zoom family chat with the Seiker's. We made Grandma Seiker's chocolate chip cookies with various members of the family. It was a nice day even though Steven got sick with a migraine and spent most of the day in bed.

Gee is struggling with depression. I feel so bad for them. We spent so long praying that they would feel better about going to school and relationships and now that they are, they can't go to school and they are missing their relationships and wondering what the point is. It's important that we validate what they are feeling and are trying to do that. Offering hope without gaslighting what they are feeling.

On a side note, my kids are growing up! Tai made and brought homemade croissants for lunch and Trey picked up the chicken and desserts. When did they get old enough to bring something to holiday meals?

Week 3 Update

I celebrated my 43rd birthday under "social distancing" rules. The kids came over and we took a drive around the lake. We got Culver's custard and then Raising Cane's for dinner. We played Apples to Apples and did hair cuts and dye.

Started week 3 at working from home. It's getting easier to figure out all that I can do and easier to stay focused on what I'm working on.

Steve said that when the Lincoln total of cases hits 10, he's ordering all of us to stay inside and no more going to the store. Gee will be the most impacted but I also get it. Gee is pretty much the only one who goes out now. The rest of us are doing our best at social distancing except every so often when we want a special treat.

We've ordered food in a lot more than we have ever done. It's silly because I love to cook but I feel like I just need something different or a change from the norm. I'm calling it "stimulating the economy" by ordering from local places. I'm sure that won't continue because who can afford it?!

Oh, I saw my McDonald's lady this morning! I was so glad to see that she is well. I told her that I was thinking of her, missing her and that I was looking forward to when this is over so I can see her again. She may have thought I was nuts. I may be nuts. The jury is still out.

March 25, 2020

When you have a large family, you accept the fact that when there is a bug going around, someone in your house is bound to get it and spread it to the others. Flu and cold season can be rough around here.

One of our children is being tested for COVID-19. The chances that she has it are very, very slim but the doctor is recommending that she be tested. I am less worried about her having it then who she might have exposed to it. She is a relatively healthy child who would surely be fine if she got it. Updates will come on that.

For a Civics lesson, I am making my school-age children watch Who Killed Malcom X on Netflix. We are not primarily focused on the WHO so much as learning more about Malcom X. I am trying to find some creative ways to "teach" my children during this remote learning. As of this week, they have some remote learning but most of it is review and there isn't much of it right  now. I do not expect them to be "learning" 8 hours a day but do want some lessons and instruction. On Monday, I taught one of them how to make chili.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I just felt grumbly and frustrated with all of it. I also had a massive headache yesterday and a slight fever but today I'm fine. I will monitor my "symptoms" and hate that I have now second guess every cough or sneeze I have.

Today is a better day for me at least. I was sad when I woke up but have been able to keep my spirits up. I am missing my fast food breakfast but I'm sure my body is thankful for the break. My attempts to not eat everything within reach have been better today as I moved "everything within reach" further away and out of sight.

Gee on Covid-19

Dear COVID-19 when I first heard of Corona I said haha I'm underaged it won't bother me. Then they shut down international flights. I said I don't mind I'm broke and not planning on traveling. Then the toilet paper was running out. I said Its fine I just bought a new pack and napkins work fine. They started telling people don't go out you'll get exposed and I said a little cough won't upset me. They shut down Disney I said sucks to suck. They canceled school I said oof what will I do. I thought an extra week of Coronacation would be fun. That week felt endless. Now school is canceled indefinitely and I still don't have COVID-19. But I do have COVID-19 DEPRESSION. People talk about seasonal depression but now I'm talking about COVID-19 DEPRESSION. It's the depression of I want to go out but when I go out no one else is out and the shelves are out of my favorite soup so now what do I do? It's I have all this free time but can't hangout with anyone because of social distancing but I don't like listening. So I ask to hangout but they were listening when advised not to go outside. Three days ago I made a playlist named "Idk but I'm happy" it had songs about feeling happy and free. Today I made a playlist called "COVID-19 DEPRESSION" . Because now I'm stuck in this session of depression. With no end in sight. People post hash tag day 14 of quarantine while they do something fun but this isn't fun anymore. I'm bored. Tik Tok is full of jokes but this isn't a joke the world is broke.

March 23, 2020

The start of week 2 working from home. Purchased a new laptop today. That's always an adventure. Day 1 of Remote Learning. Fortunately there wasn't much for school work today. I will tell you this, the next time one of the teachers tells me that a particular child is causing distractions in the classroom, I will absolutely believe them. I may rethink the "you will do school work at the table with me."

On Friday, Gee and I did our bi-weekly grocery shopping. They were extremely helpful and it was really nice spending the day with them and being outside. BUT...

I don't want to go out anymore. It was dismal. The shelves are so bare and it made it all a little bit too real. The last time I had left the house was the Monday before. This was worse. I came home completely emotionally exhausted. This isn't the America that I'm used to and it took me the rest of the night and part of the next day to just make peace with that in my mind.

I realized how vulnerable I am. I have diabetes, fibromyalgia and chronic bronchitis. I actually realized that I AM at a higher risk and that it could be much more dangerous for me to get than it is for some others. Less than some but still more than others.

Over the weekend, we had family dinner, sent a care package to those in our family that can't be here and played poker with candy pieces. We had a lot of fun and there is more candy in this house than at Halloween. I'm not so sure that's a great thing. :)

So what I've learned the most after the first week is that it's all about balance. We are going to have good days and bad days. We are going to have good moments and bad moments. There are parts of this that we are really going to like and parts of this that we could do without. It's okay. It's okay to have those feelings. Stay strong (or have a total meltdown, just don't get stuck there)!

Today is harder. I'm super sleepy and just want to nap. I know that won't be good for my mental health. I have less focus.

We are watching on of Steve's co-workers daughters. That helps me get up each morning and gets me going on my work from home status.

We're ordering pizza for lunch. I'm hoping that will lift some moods around here too. Feed the soul?

Follow-up, as this is a work in progress document that I just type stuff into the throughout the day, the pizza helped lift spirits. It was probably less the pizza than the children eating at the table with me but the pizza absolutely brought them to the table so I'm giving the pizza a win.

Ariez is home which basically means that I will NEVER get to watch my TV again. Ha!

March 17, 2020

Happy St. Patrick's Day! As much as things are changing rapidly in the world, there is one thing that is staying the same. I will be making corned beef and cabbage with baby red potatoes for dinner! The family will come home for family dinner tonight as we all look forward to this meal. Well, there are a couple who don't love this dinner and they will be having chicken.

Treyson has been sent to work from home as his employer is trying to prepare everyone to work from home during this crazy time. They had been offering to let people work from home and now they are pretty much sending everyone to work from home. Steve works at the same place but he's a supervisor so he is still very much needed at the office. There may be a time in the near future that he will be working from home also.

Trey is actually going to be working from our house because we have better internet and it's probably not great for his mental health to be in his apartment 24/7. This will give him a reason to get up and stay among the living.

Jake works the same place and he was sent to work from home yesterday. He's currently working at their house but I told him that he could move over here and we could just set up a shop downstairs. I work from the kitchen table. No response from him yest so I'm guessing he didn't fall in love with the idea!

JobCorps has been shut down so Ariez is currently on a bus home and will get in this evening. It's about a 9 hour bus ride. He will be home until at least April 14th. He is excited. I reminded him that he will have to go back and he said, "yeah, I want to graduate from here!"

Things just keep changing. Every time we think we have a new normal, it changes again.

March 16, 2020

Day one work from home. It might take me a minute to get into the swing of things. I find myself distracted and late but I did get up and shower and get to work. 

Steve messaged me and told me to move money to a different account and go to the grocery store. There seems to be some concern that the government is going to close things down. My husband is not a fear monger and thinks all of these extra precautions are silly so when he told me to go to the store, we went to the store. 

Store #1 - there was absolutely no toilet paper to be found. We have an 8 pack at home and we have lots of paper towels so we bought the 10/$10 sale on tissues and left. 

Store #2 - absolutely no milk to be found. No milk. No powdered milk. We bought pasta, soup, chicken, macaroni and cheese that doesn't need milk. We also were unable to find any hand soap. Tai called and asked us to pick up milk for them and I told her our findings. She quickly went to the store near them and thankfully found milk and got some for us too. 

I sent the kids to the neighbor's to check in on her. She is an elderly lady and we just wanted to make sure she has our phone number in case she should need anything. I know her children are checking on her but wanted to make sure she had someone close. 

I'm not panicked but I am more concerned than I probably need to be. I reached out to a couple of friends with anxiety disorders to see how they were doing.

We are all in this together. All of us. We will see what the next news cycle brings us. 

Covid Weekend #1

Social distancing. It has a much nicer ring to it than "isolating". I mean, I'm sure they're different but contextually, it's the same thing.

Weekend 1 surviving the social distancing to flatten the curve. It's Sunday night. My children are going crazy. They are convinced that at least one of them have the virus and both of them are convinced that there is nothing in the house to eat and that we will run out of toilet paper and also soup.

Why soup? Because that was what was on the menu prior to us learning that we would be home for another week. Mind you, we have tons of food. The fridge is full, the pantry is full, the cupboards are reasonably full, the freezers are full. But they must have soup and there mind is set on the soup and we only bought one can of soup for each of us and so now we are going to die because we don't have a cupboard full of soup.

Tomorrow will begin the first day of extended Spring break and the first day of me working from home.

I decided that I will probably blog each day as a way of tracking my own sanity and as a way of remembering what this looked like when we have survived it.

The government declared a state of emergency on Friday. They canceled interest rates on federally held student loans (this created havoc in my husband/son's job). They have lowered interest rates on other loans so that people can afford to get loans to help sustain them during any type of shut down.

LES and Black Hills Energy have suspended shut offs. An LPS parent group is organizing a food drive with delivery to families in need. LPS is going to be providing 300 sack lunches at 6 locations for lunches and breakfasts each day. Many places are offering free meals, free delivery. Charter is offering free internet to families with kids k-12 or college. It feels good to live in America. Even in times of trial, community comes together to provide for each other.

Another Season

The thought, "4 down, 2 to go" keeps popping into my head. It's an exciting feeling but also a little sad.

Trey moved into his own apartment last weekend. His pediatrician also called and asked if he was going to continue to see her for another year or if he would like to transition to adult medicine. Considering he is 6'7" and 19, he's opted for adult medicine. They wouldn't even allow me to make that call by the way. He's 19 now so he has to do it himself.

Ariez got called up for jury duty. He couldn't do it because he's away at school but still, when did he get old enough that he could be called for jury duty?

The current status of our children:
23 with a child and living out of state (WE ARE FREAKING GRANDPARENTS!)
22 living in their own place with a significant other
19 living out of town going to trade school
19 living in their own place
16 living at home but very self-dependent while driving their own vehicle
13 living at home getting ready to make decisions on where to go to high school

I am learning how to cook for 4 people instead of 8 or 9. This may or may not be going very well but let me just say that if you ever need something to eat, I'm sure I have leftovers in my fridge. We will be downsizing by moving into a much smaller home. The need for a 5 bedroom home is a thing of the past. This past Valentine's Day, we double-dated with Tai and Jake instead of making heart-shaped pizzas at home with the kids.

We've entered a brand new season of our lives and I'm not really sure when it happened. It doesn't seem so long ago that I was making arrangements for a babysitter for Spring Break. It wasn't that long ago that we made a college visit trip for Spring Break.

It's not a bad season. Mostly it's kind of cool because in theory, I have more free time (I'm still looking for that). It's just a season and I needed to take a minute to acknowledge it for what it is.

When Society Catches UP

I recently read an article stating that the Merriam-Webster dictionary's word of the year for 2019 is "they." Merriam-Webster also recently added a new definition of the word to include the use of "they" as a non-binary person.

The American Psychological Association also recently endorsed the use of "they" as a "singular third-person pronoun." The APA states, "we believe writers should try to use a person's self-identified pronoun whenever feasible." I agree! It costs me nothing to be respectful. It's exactly the same as calling me "sir" when I clearly don't identify as a male. Oddly enough, my husband's professor for his master's in counseling has told his students that the papers they turn in cannot use they as a pronoun. That's frustrating to me. Since the APA has made their statement, the professor's terms seem like a personal decision to me.

A representative for GLAAD said, "Merriam-Webster's choice is a positive step in acknowledging non-binary people." I would absolutely agree. The more we use the word, the less uncomfortable it feels.

I told many people, my non-binary child included, that one of the hardest parts of using "they" when referring to them is that it's not grammatically correct. The more I use it to define my child, the easier it becomes. I am not perfect but I absolutely try my hardest to use my child's preferred pronouns; anyone's preferred pronouns. I will get there!

Merriam-Webster cites a number of reason for the look-up of the word (which is what makes it win as Word of the Year). From fashion runways to political speeches, more and more people are calling attention to non-conforming genders and the results are that more and more people are trying to accept and respect a person's identity.

Someone said to me, "I don't understand it." You don't have to. I can try to explain it to you to the best of my knowledge but all anyone is really asking you to do is respect them. I hope that the more it's talked about it, the more we become comfortable with the language, the more people will "understand" it. I don't think you have to "understand" it to be respectful.

My name is Sam and I identify as she/her. It would be disrespectful to call me Bob and he/him. The use of they is exactly the same.

Human Grief

First, let me be clear that I 100% feel for the Bryant family and friends. This post has nothing to do with them. This post is about how honoring someone's life and public (and private) grief can look very different for people who are impacted differently by a person.

Why can't we, as a society, talk about the really great things about someone AND still acknowledge the really shitty things about them too? I kind of understand it. It feels disloyal to their memory and to the love you feel for them when you talk about the bad.

Kobe Bryant was a phenomenal basketball player. I believe that he was probably a great dad. Kobe Bryant was accused of rape. Kobe's team ruined that accuser's reputation, privacy, peace and accusations. Scorched her so badly that she refused to testify against him in a court of law. Victim shaming at it's loudest. Once she refused to testify, the DA dropped the charges because they weren't going to win a trial without victim testimony. Kobe Bryant later settled out of court with this woman.

Martin Luther King, Jr. moved the nation towards racial equality. He did so much to empower so many. He showed up and taught love when people were there to hate. He also was a serial cheater.

Thomas Jefferson did some pretty great things for the USA. He also owned hundreds of slaves.

Bill Cosby paved the way for a lot of African American actors. He also drugged and raped women.

My sister had this incredible heart for her friends and could make a room laugh just by laughing herself. She also abused and neglected her children. We have such amazing memories of her but some of us have the bad stuff to remember too.

Anytime we meet with counselor's regarding some of my children, it feels like I'm bad mouthing my sister. A person that I love with every part of my being. Not being able to admit the bad would be an incredible disservice to my children. Pretending those crappy things did not happen would be minimizing the impact of those actions.

So we have to be real. We have to know that what we see of someone, or the best parts of someone, isn't all they are or were to other people. I get that it's conflicting. I get it's ugly and hard and doesn't feel good.

I also know that my kids need to know what they experienced was real. They need to know that we hear them. We need to know that we see their trauma. We need them to know that it's okay to be sad that she's gone but recognize safety in that fact as well.

Human grief is hard. It's complex. It's different for every single person, even when you're grieving the same person.

What An Almost Month

Wed. January 22, 2020 at 7:15 I checked into AMI for my routine breast MRI. I was planning on going alone but I mistakenly told the nurse that I was going to take a xanax for the clautrophobia. She said I would need a driver. Turns out I needed that driver. The MRI itself was fine but when I got up, I was extremely dizzy and thought I was going to throw up.

The tech said that I should hear something either Thursday or Friday. I knew that I was fine so I wasn't concerned. I mean, there's always a little buzz in your head that it might find something but there was no reason to think so. I hadn't felt any breast changes.

Friday I called the doctor because I hadn't gotten the results yet. I wasn't worried but just wanted the "all clear" heading into the weekend. Mostly because my mom would be calling me and asking me every day until I heard something.

The doctor was out of the office and would not get a chance to read them until Monday. Bummer! Then I got an email from AMI saying that my report was ready. Whoot! I didn't even need the doctor to give me the all clear.

Except the report said, "worst kinetics initial phase rapid, delayed phase washout." The report said, "measures 7 x 4 x 6 mm seen best on images...". Recommend targeted ultra sound followed by MRI guided needle biopsy. 

So it's Monday, the 27th, and I'm waiting for the doctor to call to tell me I need an ultrasound and biopsy. Well so much for "routine." 

Wed., January 29, 2020 - went in for that silly ultrasound. I thought I'd be back to work by 11:00. The tech came back in and told me that they wanted to do the biopsy now. 

I was annoyed that Steve wanted to go with me to the ultrasound. I thought it was a little silly for him to take off work to drive me to an appointment that was going to take a half hour. Once again, God has bigger plans than I do. 

I asked the tech to bring my husband in and we talked about what was going to happen. He then had to wait out in the hallway for them to do the actual biopsy. 

A little pinch and then nothing. I got to watch the biopsy being done on the ultrasound machine. It was really cool! I'm so amazed by the science of all of this. I got to see the lesion and see the needle go into it and grab the tissue needed for testing. 

Then it was off to mammo and then about a 30 minute wait and off to MRI. We finally checked out after about 4 1/2 hours. 

Friday, January 31, 2020 - no cancer! Yay! But the tumors have to be removed so they don't continue to grow. 

Monday, February 3, 2020 - appointment with Dr. Kampfe. I'll have surgery on Thursday to remove the tumors. That will be fun. 

Thursday, February 6, 2020 - checked into the hospital at 5:30 am. Went back at 7:30 for a wire needle placement. Not as fun as it sounds but not bad. I teared up once and said, "it's just all a little overwhelming sometimes." They were really patient and supportive. The nurse got my IV in one try (YAY) but it took two tries to take blood. You win some, you lose some. At 8:31 they wheeled me back into surgery. 

I think I was hilarious when I was waking up in recovery. Minus the part where I yanked the mask off of my face. I told them I couldn't wake up with that on me. They thought I was kidding. I wasn't trying to be mean, I just thought someone was trying to suffocate me. Thanks, PTSD. I told the nurse how amazing my husband was and I told her I was fat and that's why I burned my chin with pizza. I told the guy in the next cubby that I was sorry that he had to go upstairs but glad that I didn't. The nurse must not have enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed her because I was taken back to my room pretty quickly (or not, I really had no concept of time because my eyes kept closing.)

Once we got back to my room I asked for a diet coke. She very sweetly brought me a diet pepsi and some saltine crackers. I don't understand why they bring you the driest food in the whole world when you have the driest mouth in the whole world. I asked if I could go home. I told her I had diet coke at home. :) 

Friday, February 14, 2020 - It has been an exhausting couple of weeks but we have made it.  All of the labs are in and I do not have any cancer. I am healing well. I had the drain removed on Monday and have been back at work since Tuesday. It's been a long week but we've survived. 

My husband has very sweetly given me the plague for heart day. I mean, it's a nasty cold but it seriously hurts my entire chest to cough and I'm not feeling very thankful for that at the moment. 

I will have a follow-up appointment next week, another one in 3 months and then another MRI in 6 months. 

This has been our journey. I have met some really great people. All of the staff at all of the places have been wonderful. My family has been wonderful. My friends have been wonderful. Work has been super supportive.