Paula Deen and the "N" Word

I will preface this with the fact that sometimes the direction of my blog will not be completely about our family. It's going to change as I change and may seem completely random at times. Here's one of those times...(and I'm fully aware that this post is coming from a white woman. The same white woman who was concerned to be less of a human, even after black people were able to be legally defined as people and not property.)

I dislike the "N" word. I am horrified when someone calls one of my children the "N" word. I believe it is a word that should not be used by anyone, in any context. I don't like it when black people use it and I don't like it when white people use it. I don't care if it ends in an "er" or ends with an "a". That's how I feel about the "N" word.

That being said, I don't believe that using that word EVER in your lifetime, makes you a racist. I believe that there was a time in our history that using that word did not mean the same thing that it means now. I don't believe that it is a word that was ever used as a compliment, but it was used as a label, for an entire race of people, and it wasn't all that long ago that the word was used by a lot of people who would not, then nor now, consider them a racist. Times change. People change. Words carry different meaning at different times in our life.

Paula Deen was asked, in a deposition where she swore to tell the truth, if she had ever used the "N" word. Paula Deen was born in 1947 in Georgia. She was asked, if in her 66 years of life, had she EVER used the "N" word. Paula Deen said, "yes" in response to this question. Paula Deen, who is known to many as "The Southern Cooking Lady" said yes she has used the "N" word. She knew what was at stake. She knew what she was going to be asked at the deposition. Do you really think she wasn't prepared for that question? That question, in a deposition for a lawsuit stemming from an African-American women suing for harassment, was not a surprise for Paula. Should she have lied in a deposition where she was sworn under oath to tell the truth? Should she have feigned that she "couldn't recall" whether she had ever used that word?

Would anyone have believed her if she had said no? Would anybody have respected her more if she had said "I don't recall?" Does anybody think that a white woman, born and raised in the South, during a time of segregation, during a time of huge racial battle going on in America, had not ever said the "N" word during her life? I think it's unrealistic to think that, growing up when she did and where she did, she would have never used that word. That horrible, awful word. That one word that if you have EVER in your life used, instantly makes you a racist.

I don't know if Paula is a racist. She says she's not. I'm inclined to believe her. She told the truth when she knew what people would think when they heard the truth and she said it anyway. I don't know how often she used the word. I don't know if she still uses the word. She says she doesn't. She says that in this time, a time where the word is known to be offensive, she does not use the word. I don't know if she's telling the truth. I have no reason to think that she's not. I don't know of any current events where she has used the word.

I hope that, we as people, can understand that times change. I hope that, we as people, can understand that people change with these times. I hope that we can forgive and judge other's less quickly for things that they have said and done. I hope that we can stop defining people by the words of their past.

If we cannot, I think that we had all better start being a lot more careful about the words that are coming out of our mouths because at some point, someone might ask us if we've EVER, in our lives, used a word that can now define you as ignorant, racist, sexist, insensitive. Acknowledging that we've said something in our past, does not define who we are in this moment.

Good Grief

Yesterday was H(helping).U(us).G(grieve).S(successfully). Camp at the zoo for Rey, Genna, Ariez, Trey, Grandma Nessa, and I. We heard about this camp through Mourning Hope. They have been such a God-send for our family. They have provided us the tools to help us navigate this grief in a very healthy, positive way.

Grief is awful. There's no denying it. There's no sugar-coating it. There's also no way of going around it. It is imperative to go THROUGH the pain and not around it. Grief is a mystery. It's hard enough to mine the grief battlefield for ourselves, let alone recognize and allow our children to grieve. We want to stuff it all away and put a band-aid on it because grief is too hard. Mourning Hope has allowed us to support all of our children in their individual grief battlefields. We are all grieving in our own unique way and we certainly need the help to continue to help them do it successfully.

Yesterday's camp was hard work but it was good work. It was important work. It was work that we will continue to do and hopefully continue to help our children do. We know now that grieving is not on a timetable. We know that it is something that we will carry with us every day that was live. It doesn't have to be hard everyday but it will certainly be with us. We will continue to go to "grief camps" and workshops that allow us to express the things we hold onto deep inside us.

I am so proud of my kiddos and my mother for coming and facing feelings that sit at the surface, no matter how hard we try to pretend they don't. I'm proud of them for having the courage to face the hard grief work and the strength to share what they are feeling. I'm proud of the progress they have made and will continue to nurture the progress that we still need to move through.

Grief is hard. The work is good. The work is good for our hearts, it's good for our souls, it's good for minds.