Questions Keeping Me Up

 Honestly, I just can't make sense of this. 

Most of Rythm's life, I have been scared for her. I have been scared of the choices that were being made for her. I have been scared of the situations that she has put herself into. Scared of what could happen to her by the people that were put in her life and the people that she seemed to choose to friend and be with. 

I have never once, in all of the crap we've been through, been scared of her. Never. And let me say, we've been through some crap. 

How is it possible that my little girl, the one who first made me an aunt, the one who kept us up for hours crying as a baby (as babies often do), the one who I held through broken hearts, scary situations, the birth of her baby possibly have done what she says she's done?

I don't know that I will have an answer to that. She doesn't even seem to know so I don't know how she could possibly tell me. 

Yes, Rythm had a dark and angry side. A side that was usually brought out when she was fearful but nothing like this. I can't even truly imagine her holding a gun in a position to shoot someone. I can't see it. I can't make sense of it. I can't vision this scenario.  In a drug-fueled rage, I can't vision it. Of course, I've never really seen her in a drug-fueled rage. I've seen drug-fueled anger and paranoia but not the type of rage that must have been there in a situation like this. 

She was doing so well. She had a life. She was working and she had an apartment and she wasn't using hard drugs. It's probable that she was drinking but I've never seen her angry when drinking. Hurt and sad and silly but never angry. For the first time, she seemed to be with a man who was really good to her. She was parenting her child in a way that I was proud of. She was so proud of herself. 

So what happened that made her snap? I don't know the relationship that she and Marcel had. I know they both had short fuses. I have heard that they fought frequently but that they also spent almost every weekend together. I have heard that he was helping her when money was tight. I have heard that they were together earlier that day without any issues. 

So why? What happened? I'm not interested in blaming Marcel. It's not his fault that he's dead. I just need to know what happened. What were they fighting about? What was said or done that caused her to grab a gun? Did she fear for her safety? Was she just tired of hurtful words? Did she fear for El's safety? Did she fear for A's safety? Did she truly just snap or was this a build up? 

These are the thoughts that are keeping a broken-hearted momma and grammy awake tonight. Sometimes it helps to put them out there and sometimes it doesn't. I just know I need to figure out a way to make peace with questions that I will most likely never get the answers to. 

Day 3

 My heart is broken into so many little pieces. This is awful. It feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. How can my beautiful girl be sitting in jail on a 1st degree murder charge? How did we get here? Will we be able to keep Rileigh and will we be able to keep her safe from all the awful dangers in the world? Will we be able to protect her from the sadness of the choices her mother has made? 

I wish we had been better able to protect Rythm from the sadness in the world and the dangers of things that she's been exposed to. 

When we got the call from the detective early Sunday morning, we thought she was dead. When the detective said first degree murder charge, we worried it was Rileigh. There was a huge relief when we found out it wasn't either of them but nothing could have prepared us for the rest. 

Today, day 3 of this nightmare, we fight. We figure out how to save Rileigh. We figure out how to get Rythm the help that she needs. We struggle to find a peace or normalcy. It's so much. 

It is devastating to hear your daughter call herself a killer. It's devastating to sit and watch her cry the whole time we are able to have a video call. 

There's no sense to be made of any of this. There is no happy ending.