Yes, this year was different. I've been told by many people that the "firsts" are harder generally. This was no exception. I didn't look for any coffee themed, funny little gifts to give her. I didn't have any help getting ideas for my mom and I didn't have anybody to put little bugs in their ears to tell Steve what to do for the day.
I did want to make the day special for our mother because I knew this would be a hard day for her. I hope I succeeded in that. I knew that the kids needed to honor their mom in a special way this year. I wanted to honor her in a special way this year. If it were not for Anitra, I would not be a mother of six. I got three bonus kids from her and that is special and something that I will treasure all of my life.
I asked the girls at work. I knew we would do a balloon release but I wanted there to be more to that. I wanted there to be something that the kids could put their heart into. They suggested a "note in a bottle" theme. It was perfect. I let each of the kids write a little note to her. We rolled them up and went to HyVee. The ladies there looked at me with my strange request and helped out. Each child got to pick a color and we put the notes in the balloon and blew them up. We then went to the park and took some pictures and released them. Then, because I knew I needed to keep them occupied with me today and I had no desire to listen to them fight all afternoon, we went to the movie. Reyanne had wanted just her and I to go but that wouldn't have been right today. We went to see the Crood's. It was good. There were some sad parts when we didn't think the dad was going to make it, but even those were perfect. There were tears. The central theme was that we not be afraid of tomorrow and we reach for the sun and anything is possible. The movie reminded us to live! Mostly, there was laughter and there was family. We were there together.
Reyanne, who at seven, has experienced and expressed the loss of her mother in much different ways than the others. She seemed to almost look as though she felt guilty giving me the gifts that her class had made for their "moms." I could see a look in her face and just gave her lots of loves and hugs today because I'm aware that she was feeling these things but couldn't identify them.
Ariez was pretty wired today. I have noticed that in emotionally charged situations, he seems to get pretty excitable. There's an anxiousness about him that people sometimes misjudge as hyper. Not that he isn't hyper! Trust me, this child could be in texts books about hyperactivity. It's a different type of hyper. He seems uncomfortable in his own skin. He doesn't really know how to express that in any other way.
Rythm was incredibly strong. I know it was a hard day for her. She never let on that she was struggling. She has grown emotionally a lot in the last few months and weeks. She seems to be more aware that her mood and attitude set the tone for others around her. She has chosen to use that more for good now, instead of a way to wind up everyone else. She is an incredibly strong and bright 16 year old girl. She is growing so much.
I am so proud of them. I can't imagine going through what they have gone through. I can't imagine the feelings of their loss. I am so proud of the way they handled themselves. I will not allow them to use this loss as an excuse to check out of life. I will continue to push them to honor their mother and not allow her death to be an excuse for bad behavior. Honoring her will get them farther.
It was also the first Mother's Day that I am the mother of six. I used to tell people that going from one to two children was way harder than going from two to three because you are already used to juggling. I think, if things had been different and I would have had four, then five, then six, the transition would have been smoother. Three to six is hard. Three to six is a huge adjustment!
Today reminded me of how proud I am of each of my children. I tell people that I have three bio kids and three bonus kids. I realized today, more than any day so far, that I really do love them all as though I gave birth to them all. There is not a distinction in my love for them. This is who I am and who God made me to be. It's not always easy. There are days I hate it. I had those days before I had six kids. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I didn't have all of them. Don't get me wrong, if we could get a do-over and Anitra could be here, I'd take that in a heartbeat. Since I can't, I am so glad that I have six kids. I am incredibly blessed to be the mother of so many.
LoveYou, Brave Strong Mommy!
ReplyDelete