Nights

I sit here tonight, watching it snow through the windows, unable to sleep because I have a restless mom heart. There are way more questions than answers and that's probably one of the harder aspects of all of this. 

Obviously, I have questions about what happened that night. I have so many questions about all of that but I know that I won't get those answers. I know that in my lifetime, I may never be able to have an honest conversation with R about those questions. I also think that with all the trauma and all the protection she's doing of other people and her own mind, those questions may not even be able to be answered by her. 

So that leaves me with questions for the lawyers. It's hard to lay down and sleep knowing that there is so much that I don't know. I've watched a lot of crime shows. A lot of criminal documentaries. I know "just enough" about stuff to know that there are a lot of things that I want answers to.

My mind goes in circles with some of these things. Please understand that I do have extreme faith in His timing and know that He knows the way through all of this. That doesn't stop me from being nervous and crying for my girl and crying for her girl and crying for M's family and friends. That faith does not keep my mind from wandering through dark tunnels and circles. 

So I email the lawyer. I ask questions that may be too far in the future. I ask questions that are probably annoying to him. I ask questions about things that he just probably doesn't have the answers to right now. Thankfully, he's been patient with me. Thankfully, he's briefly explained what he can and pushed off questions that he doesn't know the answers to, or that he doesn't want to share the answers with me. Oh to be a fly on the wall when him and his co-lawyer are discussing this case. 

Is she just another troubled kid to him? Is she just someone that he's getting court-ordered to represent? I have to believe that he cares a little. If I don't believe that, then I'm likely to lose my mind in all of this. Is he just going through the motions or is he really fighting for her like he would any self-paying client? Does it matter as long as he represents her to the best of his ability? No lawyer likes to lose. No lawyer takes a case to waste their time and just simply collect a small payment (assuming the state does not pay as well as his self-pay clients). What do I know? Maybe I'm fooling myself in that area. 

So anyway...this is what I do when I should be sleeping but know that sleep will not come. This is what I do while I wait for my meds to kick in so that I can no longer fight the anxiety and sleep. Then I fall asleep and hope for dreamless nights because when the dreams come, they're usually filled with more things that I want the answers to but will not get.