Human Grief

First, let me be clear that I 100% feel for the Bryant family and friends. This post has nothing to do with them. This post is about how honoring someone's life and public (and private) grief can look very different for people who are impacted differently by a person.

Why can't we, as a society, talk about the really great things about someone AND still acknowledge the really shitty things about them too? I kind of understand it. It feels disloyal to their memory and to the love you feel for them when you talk about the bad.

Kobe Bryant was a phenomenal basketball player. I believe that he was probably a great dad. Kobe Bryant was accused of rape. Kobe's team ruined that accuser's reputation, privacy, peace and accusations. Scorched her so badly that she refused to testify against him in a court of law. Victim shaming at it's loudest. Once she refused to testify, the DA dropped the charges because they weren't going to win a trial without victim testimony. Kobe Bryant later settled out of court with this woman.

Martin Luther King, Jr. moved the nation towards racial equality. He did so much to empower so many. He showed up and taught love when people were there to hate. He also was a serial cheater.

Thomas Jefferson did some pretty great things for the USA. He also owned hundreds of slaves.

Bill Cosby paved the way for a lot of African American actors. He also drugged and raped women.

My sister had this incredible heart for her friends and could make a room laugh just by laughing herself. She also abused and neglected her children. We have such amazing memories of her but some of us have the bad stuff to remember too.

Anytime we meet with counselor's regarding some of my children, it feels like I'm bad mouthing my sister. A person that I love with every part of my being. Not being able to admit the bad would be an incredible disservice to my children. Pretending those crappy things did not happen would be minimizing the impact of those actions.

So we have to be real. We have to know that what we see of someone, or the best parts of someone, isn't all they are or were to other people. I get that it's conflicting. I get it's ugly and hard and doesn't feel good.

I also know that my kids need to know what they experienced was real. They need to know that we hear them. We need to know that we see their trauma. We need them to know that it's okay to be sad that she's gone but recognize safety in that fact as well.

Human grief is hard. It's complex. It's different for every single person, even when you're grieving the same person.