Sad Heart

 My momma heart is so sad. That's the simplest and most accurate way to describe how I'm feeling. I put on this really brave, hopeful face as I go through the days. My kids need me to be strong, they look to me to make sure that things are okay. I explain to people what is going on and tell them that we are hopeful that the charges will be reduced. 

This was a hard week. I look at the charging statements of evidence and I know that if she were the victim and the not the defendant, I would want them to get the harshest sentence that they could. My daughter is the defendant and so I hope and I pray for a sentence that will bring her home before I die. A sentence that will bring her home to see her daughter and her daughter's children grow. My husband reminds me that the evidence is supposed to look hard and that it is supposed to be one sided. I know he's right but I also know that within that evidence, at least most parts are true. 

Will I ever hug my child again? Will she ever be in another family picture? Will our hearts heal? Will her daughter's heart heal? Will she ever be at another holiday gathering? These are some of the questions that torture me throughout the day and night. 

Even if they are able to get the charges reduced, I will be 83 years old before she comes home. Will I live that long? Will I remember her in my old age? I never intended to live that long. I mean, I realize that isn't really all of mine to say, but living to be that age was never a goal for me. Now I must. Now I have no choice if this is the sentencing we get. 

So yes, my heart is sad. It feels so heavy lately that I feel like I might actually drown in the sadness.