Tired #endthestigma

There are days that I just can't find the words to express how exhausting depression is. Everyone says that. I say that...people ask how I am and the answer is, "tired." Two of my daughters tell me that when I ask if they're ok, "yep, just tired mom." I understand that "tired."

It's not a lie. I am tired. Tired of fighting the battle within myself to get up in the morning. Tired of fighting the tapes that play over and over in my mind. Tired of the insomnia and anxiety that prevent me from really feeling like I'm getting any sleep at all. Tired of never feeling like quite enough. Tired of feeling as though I've failed so many people, so many times. Tired of trying to figure out what is real and what is just perception. Tired of "being strong" all of the time. Tired of feeling guilty for the things that I cannot change. Tired of feeling responsible for all the balls in the air. Tired of feeling guilty for feeling so crappy when I have so much to be thankful for.

I have said to a couple of people, "my soul is tired...so tired." I am so blessed. I am. I am aware of all that I have. I am aware of all of God's glory and mercy. Depression doesn't make me not realize how blessed I am. Depression doesn't make me not see how it could absolutely be so much worse. Depression doesn't make me not sympathetic to other's plights.
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Anxiety allows me to know how much worse it could be. Anxiety lets me feel all the worst-case scenarios that will most likely never happen in my life. Anxiety makes sure that while I'm so thankful that my children are safe, I know almost exactly what it would feel like to lose them because I'm have many moments where I just knew they were gone. (I'll have to try to explain that one sometime--although, if you have anxiety, you already understand it.)

My reason for sharing this...my goal...isn't for sympathy. It isn't to excuse my withdrawn behavior (that I try VERY hard to hide). It isn't to say "oh bother, poor me." It isn't to wave a flag drawing attention to myself and have people "check in" on my. It's to work towards ending the stigma. A friend (who is probably more of an acquaintance but I prefer friend), posted some really brave stuff about some things but also his depression. My daughter (beautiful and brave 15 year-old) tries to share her journey with depression and anxiety.

So my goal is to be more open and honest about my living with bi-polar, depression, anxiety, chronic pain and auto-immune disorders, parenting children with mental health journeys, being a wife who can never quite keep up with her husband because often I'm too self-absorbed in my own "madness" and sometimes I am just too worn out.

By sharing our stories, someone will feel less alone, someone may get help, someone may share their story.