Anxiety Sucks

After hitting my highest of weights, I finally agreed to see a specialist. We discussed a bunch of things and I will share that journey another time. He also recommended a new medication. Another doctor had recommended this medication and I refused. This doctor recommended it and I thought, "it'll be ok because I am better now. I won't let this medication impact my mental health. I'm not the same person I was before." I've been so good for about 3 years with minimal medication, because of minimal medication and God.

I took the medication a week later. About 2 weeks later, I noticed I seemed a little more anxious in the evening. I was told that could happen so I wasn't concerned. I never thought "oh, I don't like this and I need to go off."

While on our trip to NY, I had a PTSD triggering event. I was already anxious and that anxiety made that event seem way more than it was. When we got back, the anxiety just wouldn't end so then began the little sleep (because that's huge sign of anxiety for me). 

Then my hubby dropped a major bomb-shell on me (we are fine, this is life we're living), health concerns for some of the kids and me (we're fine) and then a doctor's appointment that showed some disturbingly high blood pressures. One doctor wanted me to go to the ER (I didn't), the two other doctors have me self-monitoring and only going if it become symptomatic. Also, stop taking that med. So now I'm withdrawing on top of all of that. 

Here's the thing about high blood-pressure. It's absolutely NOT possible to lower your blood-pressure by simply "trying to relax." At least not in my life because my life doesn't stop and my life is partially what causes the blood-pressure that's high. I keep trying, I keep praying, it just seems to get higher. I see the doctor next week. 

But this whole thing is about the anxiety. Anxiety tells me I'm not worthy, it tells me I'm not enough, it tells me I'm a bad person, it tells me that people don't love me. Anxiety sets me into a pattern of depression and suicide ideation (I'M FINE!) Anxiety lies. Depression lies. I am seemingly fine one moment and horrible the next. 

I had a rough start to the morning, well it was a good start and then I pushed and it became bad and I walked into work crying. I looked through some of my great motivational things and listened to a wonderful sermon by Rick Warren on acceptance. I felt renewed, refreshed. My hubby and I went to lunch. It was good. And then the anxiety kicked it and it just became overwhelming. We left, I kept trying to breathe and then my hubby didn't remember that he was bringing me to work (which we had talked about at lunch) and then couldn't make a decision and stick with it and I SCREAMED AT HIM. Screamed and cried (super ugly cried). 

Then I told him to divorce me because I'm insane, not because of anything else going on in our lives, not because of any bombshells, not because I don't love him...because I'm insane. (It's been a couple of hours and I haven't been served papers yet, I'm hoping he'll hold off.)

So yeah...this sucks. I DO know I'll be okay. I will cycle through this. This has been a humbling reminder of a) sticking to my guns and not going on new medications with any type of mental health side effects and b) I have been super good for 3ish years but I'm not cured, just better. 

I also know I'm needy, insecure, impatient, sensitive to what people say and don't say. I apologize. If you know me and love me, hold onto me please, be more patient and graceful with me, text me often even if I don't text back (but don't call because I probably won't answer that's often too overwhelming), know that my fb and twitter posts are sometimes in moments of weakness and panic and sometimes in attempts to ward off bigger attacks. I'll be back to myself soon. I'm working on it. I am trying. And I'm praying.