Heavy

Heavy...

When your daughter looks you in the eyes and tells you she can't fight the feelings anymore; that she's just too tired to fight the demons of depression and anxiety...

When you race home from work because your daughter has found a blade (by taking apart a pencil sharpener) a week after she told she was okay and doing better...

When you lock up all the medications in the house and you go through the house and lock up all the sharp objects that you can find because your child says they're not feeling very safe...

When you fight and fight and try to show her that you can keep her safe and you know in the back of your mind and in the front of your heart that she's only as safe as you she will allow herself to be because there's no way you can possibly lock away everything...

When you sit in the counselor's office and hear that she's just too tired to fight anymore and that the only thing keeping her here is her family and it's getting harder to fight no matter how much she tries...

When she cries because she feels disappointed that she didn't die...

When you walk up to the emergency room glass window and tell the nurse that your daughter needs to be seen because she's suicidal...

When you wait in the little room with her and you feel a sense of peace come over her because she finally feels like she is in a place where she can't hurt herself anymore so she doesn't have to fight anymore...

When you sign those admittance papers for the 5th time...

When you have to leave her in hands, that are very capable but they aren't yours because you know there is chance that you really can't promise that she's safe anymore...

When you meet with the doctors, nurses, and social workers and they all tell you that you're making the right choice but you still feel like you have somehow let her down...

When you come home and you go through her room because the social worker told you that she left a suicide note again...

When you read the suicide note and all you feel is the sadness and desperation that she was feeling when she wrote it...

When you try to close your eyes and actually sleep because you don't have to check on her tonight and you know she's safe for the night...

When you pray because you know she isn't able to because she feels like God has forgotten her and you wonder a little bit if he has because how else could He allow this beautiful, compassionate little girl to suffer so much...

Heavy...my heart is heavy...and heart-broken but mostly just heavy.