#whyididn'ttell

I don't know if the Supreme Court Justice Nominee is guilty of sexual assault. I don't know if his accuser has named the right person, named the wrong person, made the whole thing up or if what she remembers is exactly what happened and she has named exactly the right person with exactly the right events.  I don't know. I do know that I tend to believe the victim. I know the statistics about false reporting (doesn't happen as often as other people would have you believe). I do know that delayed reporting, not reporting at all, does not make any person's story less true. I do know that not remembering specific things while remembering other things, does not mean it didn't happen or that they are lying. 

I was sexually assaulted at the age of 18. 

I don't remember the exact day. I don't remember the time, other than it was middle of the night. I know the T.V. was on but I could not tell you what was on. I don't remember the color of the couch, or what I was wearing other than that it was shorts and a t-shirt. I cannot tell you the exact amount of time that passed as I was being assaulted. 

I do remember the way that he smelled. I do remember where his hands were on my body. I do remember the temperature of the room (or what it felt like at least). I do remember that time seemed to stand still. I do remember the sound of his voice. I do remember feeling terrified and panicked. 

I didn't tell because I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't tell because I felt like it was my fault. I didn't tell because I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I didn't tell because he was a dad and a husband and I didn't want his family to suffer because of his actions. I didn't tell because all I wanted to do was get out of the situation. I didn't tell because that was my home and I was far away from home. I didn't tell because there was no intercourse so I thought that I was being overly sensitive. I didn't tell because I didn't know if anyone would believe me. 

So while I don't know if the accuser in this case is telling the truth, I do know that simply because she did not report when it happened, does not mean that it didn't happen. That's not a valid standard for disbelief in my book.