Sometimes it hits in really strange ways. The doctors call it PTSD. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. A single second that I see something, hear something, feel something and I'm right there in that moment. There are a few "traumas" that those things can trigger.
Tonight there was a swinging rope.
I went out on the back porch. I saw in the shadows a swinging blind cord. Suddenly there were tears and sadness. I remembered the moment they said she was hanging. The gentle sway her body must have swayed when the door was opened. I saw her there in this moment.
My mind did anyway. At least the way my mind must imagine it because I never saw her that way in real life. The police wouldn't let me in to see her. The chaplain wouldn't let me in to see her. The men who came to get her wouldn't let me in to see her.
And then they brought her out. I wonder if that part of their job ever gets easy. I think it can't be the best part of their job. Because then they did let me see her. I pleaded with her to get up; to stop this ridiculousness. I pleaded with God to stop this. To make it not true. To let it be a mistake. But it was too late. It was done.
And so sometimes...something as simple as a shadow can make it all seem so right now...not so post really after all.
this is extremely deep. i pray for you. this had to be hard to write, but by writing it, you've opened up something in me to really visualize the horrific things your family has gone through. i know suicide is a terrible thing for friends and family members to go through but with the three family/friends suicides i've dealt with it helps to really talk and allow others to hear/see what you saw in that situation. hugs!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers. Apparently I've decided to go off the deep-end on personal stuff, which I thought I wasn't going to do. I should have known better. Oh well...it's all nothing if it's not me and well...that's me. Blogging about stuff like this actually does help. I got it out and down and not quite done but I felt marginally better after publishing it. Plus I know that most of my readers only read when I post on fb and I'm not doing that with this one.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'm rambling. :)