The 1st One

On our first Christmas without Anitra, I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to do all the festive family things that were going on. I didn't want a Christmas that didn't include Anitra.

My kids still needed to 'do' Christmas. They still needed me to be present for their Christmas. In fact, they probably needed more that 1st Christmas than any other Christmas.

So I got up...and I was sick. Like, really sick. My stomach was a mess. I felt like death. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think anyone would believe me if I told them I was sick. I figured they would think I was just trying to get out of Christmas.

I laid on the couch while kids opened their gifts. I helped put together new toys and took pictures and we made some memories. And I got up every few minutes and ran to the bathroom and got sick.

When the wrapping paper was all picked up and the kids were playing, I laid on the couch and thought about death. Not Anitra's death, but mine. That maybe if I got sick one more time, I would actually just die. (Not that I'm dramatic at all.)

And then I laughed. I knew why I was sick. I knew that it was Anitra making sure I knew she was with us. Because in that moment, the only thing I could think to do was drink warm jello. That was Anitra's answer for all your tummy troubles. Anytime someone was sick, she was pushing that dang Jello.

I always fought it. But on this very important Christmas, I got up and made some warm orange Jello and drank it. And then I laid down and let it do it's magic and not only did I not get sick again, I actually felt better. I was able to play with the kids and hang out with our family and tell fun stories of Anitra and Christmas' past.

Somehow, she always just let's us know she's with us. We miss her this Christmas, just as we have in the past but know that she's with us. In our hearts, in our stories, in our games, in our kids. She'll always be with us. That's how we keep her alive.