Suicide and Survivors

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Haven't we all heard that? I remember writing about it before. Suicide is sometimes, more often than we like to think about, a solution to depression, anxiety, all sorts of mental health disorders. That's a pretty bleak solution. For the survivors left behind, of course, but also to those living with these disorders. I do wonder, a lot, about all the things my sister has missed. She never met her granddaughter. She never saw her son in his ROTC uniform. She never saw her daughter graduate from high school. She wasn't there when her niece left for culinary school. She wasn't there to tell her niece that it was all going to be okay and that she would survive her hospitalization.

Here's the thing about being a survivor of suicide...you don't always feel like a survivor. You're here dealing with the world and life and you might be having your own suicidal thoughts and you feel guilt and anxiety and you feel like somehow you've managed to let the entire world down. Doesn't feel much like surviving.

The scary thing about being a survivor of suicide...you realize that you can't actually save someone from taking their life. You watch your daughter become suicidal and you hear her pain and you hear her say that she doesn't want to live and you know that you will do anything, ANYTHING, in your power to save her. You know that ANYTHING isn't always enough. You know that no matter what you do, say, or feel, it may not be enough.

In the past few weeks I've been connected with two suicides. It makes me hurt so much for their families. It makes me hurt so much for them. It makes me want to reach out to their families and just tell them that their loved one's life mattered. It did! In big ways and small ways. I know that they know that, I just want them to know that other people know that too.

The other thing it does...it terrifies me for my family. It terrifies me that there is such a thin line between finding resources for my own child to burying my own child. I may sound a little dramatic here but I'm not. I know that we will do everything WE can to save her life. Will she do the same?

When you see someone lose the war, it's devastating. When you fight the battles, or someone you love fights the battles, it's absolutely terrifying to hear that someone else lost the war. Every single day can seem like a battle to someone with depression and anxiety.