Feels

I'm feeling so many feelings today. Some good, some bad, just a lot of them on one day and it's a lot to feel.

Five years ago today we put Anitra in the hospital. Five years ago, she broke completely. I called Steve from the ER and said that it was finally all too much and I didn't think she'd make it through this one. I wanted to be wrong but I think I knew that I was right.

Two years ago today Rileigh made her entrance into the world. She is so loved and so missed (we haven't been able to see her since March) and we wish we could celebrate with her. We wish her the happiest of birthdays and hope that she is having a very special day. We are blessed to have this beautiful child in our lives and hearts.

One year ago we had to take G to the hospital. She was having suicidal thoughts and had a plan to not be with us on this Earth anymore. That was such a hard time. Nothing can prepare you to hear your child say they don't feel safe with themselves and that they don't want to live anymore.

Today is National Suicide Prevention Day and that start of Suicide Prevention Week. I'm so glad that there is so much social recognition of this day and week. The more we talk about it, the more we can prevent suicide. The more we let people know that it's okay to feel the way they feel, the less alone people feel with their thoughts.

It's fitting to me that we celebrate Rileigh today. When I hold her and see her smile, I get to see the very best parts of her momma and grandma. It's not a surprise to me that she came on the 10th (I prayed for her to come that day), the day I feel like we lost Anitra forever (even though she was alive 3 more days). I feel like God was giving us something beautiful to hold onto that day.

I'm anxious for what this week will bring; for me, for my kiddos, for her parents, for my husband, for her friends. I'm grateful for the fact that we all have each other when the feelings become too much to hold onto.

I'm relieved that Anitra no longer has to feel so many, too many, feelings. I'm sad that many of us still feel too many feels.

I know that this day will pass. I know that the sad feelings will turn to happy feelings. I know that this day is just a hard day. I will give my worries to God and I will pray for safe thoughts and feelings for those we love.