A Different Kind of Day

Anitra did not call me on Friday with her annual "What are we gonna do for mom for Mother's Day this year?"

Yes, this year was different. I've been told by many people that the "firsts" are harder generally. This was no exception. I didn't look for any coffee themed, funny little gifts to give her. I didn't have any help getting ideas for my mom and I didn't have anybody to put little bugs in their ears to tell Steve what to do for the day. 

I did want to make the day special for our mother because I knew this would be a hard day for her. I hope I succeeded in that. I knew that the kids needed to honor their mom in a special way this year. I wanted to honor her in a special way this year. If it were not for Anitra, I would not be a mother of six. I got three bonus kids from her and that is special and something that I will treasure all of my life. 

I asked the girls at work. I knew we would do a balloon release but I wanted there to be more to that. I wanted there to be something that the kids could put their heart into. They suggested a "note in a bottle" theme. It was perfect. I let each of the kids write a little note to her. We rolled them up and went to HyVee. The ladies there looked at me with my strange request and helped out. Each child got to pick a color and we put the notes in the balloon and blew them up. We then went to the park and took some pictures and released them. Then, because I knew I needed to keep them occupied with me today and I had no desire to listen to them fight all afternoon, we went to the movie. Reyanne had wanted just her and I to go but that wouldn't have been right today. We went to see the Crood's. It was good. There were some sad parts when we didn't think the dad was going to make it, but even those were perfect. There were tears. The central theme was that we not be afraid of tomorrow and we reach for the sun and anything is possible. The movie reminded us to live! Mostly, there was laughter and there was family. We were there together. 

Reyanne, who at seven, has experienced and expressed the loss of her mother in much different ways than the others. She seemed to almost look as though she felt guilty giving me the gifts that her class had made for their "moms." I could see a look in her face and just gave her lots of loves and hugs today because I'm aware that she was feeling these things but couldn't identify them. 

Ariez was pretty wired today. I have noticed that in emotionally charged situations, he seems to get pretty excitable. There's an anxiousness about him that people sometimes misjudge as hyper. Not that he isn't hyper! Trust me, this child could be in texts books about hyperactivity. It's a different type of hyper. He seems uncomfortable in his own skin. He doesn't really know how to express that in any other way. 

Rythm was incredibly strong. I know it was a hard day for her. She never let on that she was struggling. She has grown emotionally a lot in the last few months and weeks. She seems to be more aware that her mood and attitude set the tone for others around her. She has chosen to use that more for good now, instead of a way to wind up everyone else. She is an incredibly strong and bright 16 year old girl. She is growing so much. 

I am so proud of them. I can't imagine going through what they have gone through. I can't imagine the feelings of their loss. I am so proud of the way they handled themselves. I will not allow them to use this loss as an excuse to check out of life. I will continue to push them to honor their mother and not allow her death to be an excuse for bad behavior. Honoring her will get them farther. 

It was also the first Mother's Day that I am the mother of six. I used to tell people that going from one to two children was way harder than going from two to three because you are already used to juggling. I think, if things had been different and I would have had four, then five, then six, the transition would have been smoother. Three to six is hard. Three to six is a huge adjustment! 

Today reminded me of how proud I am of each of my children. I tell people that I have three bio kids and three bonus kids. I realized today, more than any day so far, that I really do love them all as though I gave birth to them all. There is not a distinction in my love for them. This is who I am and who God made me to be. It's not always easy. There are days I hate it. I had those days before I had six kids. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I didn't have all of them. Don't get me wrong, if we could get a do-over and Anitra could be here, I'd take that in a heartbeat. Since I can't, I am so glad that I have six kids. I am incredibly blessed to be the mother of so many. 

The Haircut

Who knew something as simple as a hair cut, for a 7 year old, could invoke so many feelings? Well, to be fair, I did. Reyanne has wanted to cut her hair since the day she came home with us. Since everybody in our house has short hair, and she hates having her hair combed, it seems like a pretty natural thing for her to want. What's the big deal you ask? Her mother, my dear sister, would NEVER cut her hair.

Here's the deal with me...I'm not a person who really cares about hair. I never have been, I don't think I ever will be. You want it pink, blue, long, short, mohawk, shaved? Why not? It's hair and it will grow out or grow back or can be cut or can be dyed back. There are so many other things for me to freak out about, their hair is pretty much the least of my concerns.

Fast forward to every single day of combing Rey's hair and putting "pink" in it, fighting with the tangles (and the tears that come with the tangles), trying to get those pesky pony tails out when I forget to buy the ones without seams, pulling leaves out of it, figuring out what that gunky stuff is and the best way to remove it...You get the picture.

In November I took Rey to get her hair trimmed. She desperately needed to get the split ends off. It was so tangly and gnarly. She, of course, took the opportunity to repeatedly nag me about getting as much cut off as I would possibly allow. I knew that if I cut her hair too short people would be upset. Everyone knew how much Anitra loved Rey's hair. I felt like if I let her cut it too short, it would be too much too soon and just another slap in the face that Anitra was gone. I didn't want to do that to anybody. As it turned out, in order to get Rey's hair healthy, we ended up needing to take off about 3-4 inches. Rey was sad because I wouldn't let her go shorter, but I just felt like that was enough of an adjustment for everyone to handle at this time. It WAS a lot shorter but it was still pretty long.

Since then, Rey has been on me to let her cut her hair short. "I want short hair, like you and Genna and Tai," she says on a daily basis. My favorite one, the one that makes me feel bad is, "but you let EVERYONE do what they want with their hair and not ME!" Oh my gosh, it's hair! Does this have to be such a huge part of our lives? The answer, because she's 7, is yes. It really does have to be a huge deal, it really does have to be something we talk about and fuss about just about EVERY single day.

Today was haircut day. The agony of haircut day. I lost sleep over what I was going to let her do. I fretted about this to people because I just want to please everybody, every moment. I never want anyone to feel like I'm "replacing" their mother. I never want any of  Anitra's family, friends, mostly children, feel like I don't respect the loss that we have all endured. Trust me, there a LOT of decisions (really important ones) that I first ask myself what everyone else will think before I make.

That being said, Reyanne got her haircut today. She wanted chin-length, I negotiated (which basically means I told her what was going to happen) shoulder length. Did you know that when you have REALLY curly hair that it looks a lot longer when it's wet than when it's dry. I know, I know...I really did know that but was honestly shocked when I looked over to my little cutie and saw her hair bob about just about chin length. I swallowed back an emotional bubble, and the thought that Anitra would KILL me if she saw it and said, "omgosh, it's so cute!"

You know what? It really is super cute. You know what? Reyanne LOVES it! She is SO happy with her cute little hair cut. I worried what my mom would say and I worried about how Rythm would feel. Rythm said to herself, "mom would be so mad." To me, after way too long of a discussion about hair and what other people think, Rythm said "the only one who would have a right to be mad is mom and she's gone so she doesn't get to say anything about it anymore." Incredibly wise words from my very wise bonus kid!

While I will continue to worry that people will be upset and feel bad for anyone that has hard feelings about this, I will be ok because guess what? It really is just hair. It really will grow back. Most of all, Rey really does love it and feels like such a big girl with her "I got to choose" haircut.

Today's Events

I so badly want to ask God so many questions when events like this happen. I so badly want answers to life's tragic moments and events. We've covered before that I'm an answers kind of person. I need to know where this horrible evil comes from. I need to know how anyone can think that this type of terrorism makes sense. I want to ask these invisible bad guys what the Boston Marathon runners did to them. I want to know how the death of an innocent 8 year old boy will make anyone take their cause seriously.

We don't get the answers to these questions. We pray and ask God to watch over us and protect us. We pray to God to keep our loved ones safe and to keep the families of these victims close and comforted. When we give up on asking God for those things, the bad guys win. When we give up on humanity, the bad guys win. 

I don't care if you believe in God, the universe, karma, nothing, anything...it doesn't matter to me. My choice is God. It doesn't mean it's the right one, it's just the right one for me. That said, when things like this happen we must all come together and believe in each other. We must believe in the good of people. We must believe in the goodness of humanity. 

As I watch the videos of the explosions, I see so many people run TOWARDS the explosion. They don't run away and hide. They run towards it to help and to care for their fellow man. That is how the good guys win. That his how we defeat the bad guys. 

In the next few days, we are going to hear so much (some right, some wrong). We will hear about the bad guys who did this. We will hear about the bad guys who did horrible things in the past. While it's important that we know who our enemy is, I think it's almost as important to know who our allies are. I think it's important that we see more images of the good guys running towards the mayhem. I think it's important that we focus our attention on the good things people are doing to help their fellow man. 

I have realized that when events like this happen, it's really easy for me to sit and watch the news, read all the articles about what we're supposed to be scared of and looking for. What I've noticed is that it doesn't stop the next bad thing from happening. I am going to pray that they catch these bad guys and that they will pay for their hatred and the pain that they have caused. I am going to try to focus my attention, and the attention of my children, on the good guys. The police that find the bad guys, the doctors and nurses who heal the wounded, the friends and families of the wounded, the blood banks stepping up, the strangers who offer helping hands to those stranded in Boston without their belongings tonight. I'm going to focus my attention on the good guys because for me, and I'm not saying this has to work for you, but for me, this is how I beat the bad guys. I'm not going to live in fear of them because I know that if they come, the good guys will be there to help me and my loved ones. 

Words

There are things that people have said to us that we hold onto forever. There are things that have been said, that no matter how hard we try, we can't forget. Hurtful things said in anger. Hurtful things said without thought or intention. 

Obviously there are words or names or things said by people in anger that are hurtful. These things can stick with someone forever. No matter how hard they try, they can't forget them. Knowing that they were said in anger doesn't make them go away. I am as guilty at this as the next person. I have said hurtful things to people.

I always tell my children to choose their words carefully. I always tell them that what you meant by what you said isn't nearly as important as how those words made someone feel. I tell them that if you say 10 nice things to someone and 1 mean thing to them, the thing they will remember is the mean thing. 

I believe that. I know that to be true. I know that because I remember really awful things that people have said to me. Not because I want to hold onto painful things but I think that if everyone is really honest, they remember those things too. I don't play them over and over in my head (ok, well on really bad days I tend to but...) They are things that are just there. 

 There are things that people say that we hold onto forever because they mean so much. A special phrase someone has said. A special moment with silly words that you exchange. Nobody thought, "this is something that will stay with them forever," they were just words exchanged between two people.

I love those memories. We all have them. They hold us over when times get tough. They are something to hold onto when there is chaos around us. We repeat them. We tell stories about people based on a simple phrase they have said. We hear them in our hearts as we fall asleep at night. 

I'm not really sure what the whole point of this whole thing is...I just feel like words are so important. I really hope that when I'm gone, or when people tell stories about me, or when people fall asleep at night, that the words that I have said with them and to them are good ones. 

HIV

HIV is a disease that, to be honest with you, I knew very little about. I knew the basics, or at least I thought I did. HIV is not something that I ever thought that I would come to have first hand knowledge about. I wish it were still like that.

One of my very best friends was diagnosed with HIV in March. I'll admit that I thought that maybe, a very tiny nagging maybe lived inside me when I first found out they were testing him. Then he called with the news that it was positive. Nothing could prepare me for that moment. Nothing could prepare me for what all of that meant.

My friend had made choices about sex that many of us have made. Without being horribly graphic, we're all aware of what safe sex is and a lot of have chosen not to always partake in safe sex all of the time. Well he met a girl, and when things seemed like they would be moving in a physical relationship direction, he went and got tested because he knew he'd not been very safe. That test was negative. He was told not to worry about being re-tested in 3 to 6 months because this test was negative. Unfortunately, to say it mildly, that test produced a false negative. I have come to learn that this is not really that uncommon.

Fast forward to 3ish years. He's married to this girl and they have a beautiful child. He got really sick in December and he hasn't been able to get better. So he visits a new doctor and she runs a bunch of tests and BAM...life changes forever. His wife and child have since been tested and miraculously, they have tested negative. His wife will have some more tests later down the road but at this point, she is HIV negative. Thank you God.

I have learned about HIV meds, CD4 counts, viral load counts, genothru (I think) tests, types of drugs people show a lot of resistance to, common ailments for HIV positive people. I truly believe that knowledge is power. I have educated myself as much as I can in what all of this means. I have made phone calls to different health departments. I've joined about 10 new email newsletter groups. I have looked up so many drugs that if I had a better memory, I could find my way around a pharmacy! It doesn't do much for my friend but it allows me to have hope. It allows me to tell him things with a little more accuracy and a little more peace of mind.

He's sick. He's in the hospital now with PCP, which is a type of pneumonia that is pretty specific for HIV/AIDS patients. He has other health issues which are causing the disease to spread more quickly. He's now considered to have AIDS. That classification has to do with the pcp and the fact that his CD4 cell count is low and his viral load count is high. When a person's CD4 count drops believe 200, they are considered to  have AIDS. That number can go back up but because it has been down, they will forever be classified in the AIDS category.

Him being sick has been a lot to handle emotionally. I can't begin to imagine how he and his wife feel. I will say this, since Anitra has died, it has made death seem a lot more real. Having him sick has made us feel as though death is once again at our doors. I told Tai the other night that we do not mourn the living and that we can be sad and scared but that we will not mourn him until it is time to. We will not give up hope in this battle until there is no more hope to be had. I believe that with all my heart.

I have shared this with you for a couple of reasons. The first being that it is what is going on in our lives right now. It is part of our daily life as we continue to pray and hope for him to get well again and I'm sharing that with you as much as I share the rest of our lives. I am sharing this because it's on my mind and because I have his permission to do so. It's the emotions that I'm experiencing and it makes me feel better to be able to "write" them out and have them out in the universe. I think some people feel that's narcissistic but that's a whole other entry." Another reason I am sharing is because it's a great teaching moment. Those of you with children, and those of you without, remember that these things can happen to you. They can happen to your brother, your sister, your niece, nephew, best friend. I could give a lecture on safe sex but I'll save that for the health teachers.

Mostly I share this because I am asking you to pray. Pray for my friend, his family and his friends. Pray for wisdom for the doctor's and pray for strength. Pray for God's will and mercy. Thank you for your prayers and thank you for allowing me to share this story.

Living

Thursday was my birthday (thank you all for the happy wishes). We were on our way to school and Rey said "mommy, today you're 36!" I corrected her and said "35." She got a very sad look on her face and said that she wished her mommy could be here so I could be 36." That was a pretty intense moment for me. She doesn't remember it but in that second, I knew my dad was right. I have to be okay for the future because they need to know that they'll be ok for the future. Those weren't his words, he said it much better than I, but  I get it. I told her that her mommy was forever with us and that it was okay for me to be 36 and it is. I have to be 36, 37, 40, 50, etc...without her. Not without her in my heart but without her body because THEY are going to be 18, 21, 25, 30, etc...without her and they need to know that it's ok that she's not here. 

It totally sucks that she's not here. Totally. Yet, we will be okay. We will carry on. We will not "move on" (I really hate it when people say that) but we will carry on. We will carry on in our lives. We will make new memories, meet new people, have lives. 

Sometimes I feel as though I'm learning to live all over again. A lot of times I feel like each experience is a new experience, a scary experience, because she is not here. She was so much a part of me that I'm not I am even knew for sure where she ended and I began. Steve used to laugh and say he had two wives. Our family considered us all one family. I think that's probably one of the harder parts of this. She was so much a part of every single day, every single memory, every single event. The good news is that each "first" that we have without her, we get to tell such fun stories about her from the previous years and events. It's not the same as if she were with us in body but it's like she's never really completely gone. 

There are only a few things that I remember from her service. One thing I remember though is that the pastor said that "death is in the shadows and while it's okay to see the shadows, we must live in the light." We must continue our lives in the light. I must continue in the light so that they can continue in the light. Life is going to move forward  for us. It must. So thank you Rey and thank you Dad for all your wisdom. 

Birthdays

I know I have not been keeping up with this as often as I should. Apparently, I don't make a very good "blogger." The last month has been an extremely difficult one. I have felt the loss of Anitra to the very core of my being. I have had so many emotions, thoughts, outburts, etc...I had no idea that a person's heart could break so much and still keep beating. I had no idea that my heart could break so much and I'd still WANT to keep living, but I do and I will and I will keep those with us "living" as much as possible too. I know she is here with us. I can feel her. She even messes with us sometimes...even if some people think we're nuts for saying so!

Reyanne turned 7!! It was a big moment at our house. She was very excited as we planned her party and Tai helped her plan her cake. Tai made her a beautiful and yummy tiger cake. The party was all planned for Skate Zone and she was SO excited! Then the snow came.

I was sleeping peacefully when Genna came in and announced VERY loudly and very sadly that it was just awful outside and she couldn't see out the window! Up I got and sure enough...we were in the middle of a freaking blizzard. Rey announced that it was no longer her birthday. She was devastated. That is, until I told her that just meant that she got to have two birthday celebrations, two cakes, two special days. She perked right up then! She got to turn 7 and spend the day with her family. Everyone had to be nice to her. I made her breakfast for dinner so she could have those "yummy pancakes and super yummy potato things (hashbrowns-the girl seriously loves them!).

We had her party on the 23rd. While we were planning her party, I was struggling with the fact that her mommy was not going to be there. I think a part of me was relieved not to have to have the party that day. I wanted her mom there so much. By allowing us to celebrate her day without everyone there, I was able to have my sad moments in private. She had a blast at her party! The kids all had so much fun and I am so thankful that so many were able to come. So many of the kids that feel like family to her were there. Thank you Danielle, Leah, and Desirea for that. (I'm sure I didn't spell someone's name right!) April, Steve, Bailey were able to be there. Some friends for me, some friends for Rythm, family...it was a great day. I only cried once! :) OH...and Tai was not forced to make another tiger cake. We opted for cupcakes this time, although I'm not sure they were any less work. She does a truly amazing job.

Genna finally got to have her birthday party also. As most of you know, her birthday is in December. We try not to have a party in that month because heck, who has the extra time and can afford the extra gift! We try to have her party in late January. This year, that poor girl had to wait all the way until March 17th! I think she thought it was worth it though. She had a very special day at Paint Yourself Silly with her friends, Tai, and mom and dad. Crap...that just now reminded me that their pieces are done and I need to pick them up...adding that to my list now! Tai made a super cute bear cake for that one. Did I mention she does an amazing job?!

My birthday is next. I've struggled with that one. I am afraid if I have a birthday, it's somehow a sign that I'm "moving on." It's not that I don't want to hurt less, it's just the term "moving on" sounds extremely cold to me. I'm working on it. At any rate, I have decided that my birthday can come and we can celebrate. I am not afraid of getting older but I do not wish to be any different age without her. So in light of that, please everyone remember that I will forever be 35. I can't be 36, 37, 40, 45, 50, and on without her. Not yet.

We will be celebrating my day by going to see the new Wizard of Oz movie. I think the kids will really like that and it'll be fun. No cake for me, as I prefer peanut butter rice krispie treats, minus the chocolate, but I'm sure Tai will decorate them beautifully as well.

Well that's about it for now. I could promise to do better about updates in the future but I'm really working on not making promises I can't keep.  Love you to all!