March 6, 2024 - A Day for Change

 Today is 91 days since the day that changed my life. On this day, 3 months ago, I had a mini-gastric bypass surgery. I will go into more detail about what that is exactly, later.

In those 91 days, I have lost 45.4 pounds. I have dropped countless inches (countless because I am not sure we were measuring correctly so I've stopped measuring). I have gone from a size 22 in pants to a size 18. 

More importantly, I have gone from an A1C of 8.7 to 5.9 since September 2023. I no longer take ANY diabetes medications. I no longer need the use of a CPAP machine. Not only do I not snore, I haven't had any sleep apnea episodes in 3 weeks. I have gone off one of the two blood pressure medications that I take. (I've been told that it's not super uncommon for that to take a little bit longer). My cholesterol has entered a healthy range. 

So far (knock on some wood) I have not had any massive hair loss, which can be pretty common with weight-loss surgery. I have re-joined the gym. I walked ALL OVER New Orleans without feeling like I couldn't handle it. I OPTED to walk all over. I have more energy. I have less intrusive food thoughts (more about that and a great therapist later). 

It's not been a total walk in the park. There have been some REALLY hard days and some pretty intense "poor me" moments. I will talk and share more about those things. 

I have been waiting for the inspiration to share more of my story and now I feel like I can. The good, the bad, the ugly, the exhilarating. 

Through all of it, I need to thank my family and all of the people who have sent kind words and prayers. I truly could not be doing this without such an amazing support system! Not to mention the amazing doctors, nurses, and staff I have had the good fortune to have. 

Also, these posts will not be a sales pitch for any type of weight-loss surgery. This surgery is a great tool for a lot of people but it's not for everyone and you really have to be in the right mindset to do it. That said, if anyone has any questions, I'm more than happy to help and connect you with people who have answers that I do not have. 

A Very Special Doggo Named Jax

Jax was the best of doggos. He was an absolute perfect fit for our family. Yes, it was super annoying that he liked to escape and run as far as he could until some very sweet person would catch him and give us a call so we'd have to go get him. He frequently ended up at Casey's (I think they fed him). The phone caller always said, "he's the sweetest guy!"

He took the best pics

Yes, it was painful when he smacked you with his tail because he just had no idea how big he was or how strong his tail was. Yep, super annoying when he'd get so excited in the car that he let out this high-pitched whimper and paced through the whole vehicle, refusing to lay down no matter how much Benadryl he'd been given. 

And who could ever forget the skunk-hunting adventure he went on with Steve and G? 

But he taught us so much too. He brought so much joy. He'd always greet you at the door, well less frequently in the last few months because when he lost his hearing, he couldn't always tell that you had arrived. He loved popcorn and as much as we tried to teach him not to beg for it, it was pretty hard to tell him no when he was standing right in front of you, sitting and just waiting for you to toss him a handful. 

He was a really important lesson in trust. When we got him, shortly after Anitra died, Ariez was terrified of him and we told Ariez that he could trust us and that we would never bring something into the home that would hurt him. This boy, who was crying and cowering in the corner when we brought Jax in, was best friends with the dog by the end of the week. 

He was ridiculously patient. He was not a huge fan of Rileigh when she first arrived and was less excited about her when she got mobile. Many times she chased him around, bopped him on the head and sat on him. While he did his best to get away from mobile Rileigh, he never once growled at her or nipped at her. 

He LOVED bones. When Jax had a bone, of any sort, you knew to let him have his space. The one and only time a child ever was bitten was when Trey dropped a chicken bone and tried to retrieve it at exactly the same time Jax discovered it. He really only got into it with the other little dogs if there was a bone involved. 

Jax loved to run. Even as he got older and it would hurt. He would come home with his legs shaking because he'd run so hard at the dog run. Some of his ashes will go to the dog park because that was truly one of his favorite places to go. He also liked to run out the door if he got the chance. He had his very own license. It looked like a driver's license and had his contact info so that whoever was quick enough to grab him could call us. 

Jax was loyal, his favorite people being Gordon and Steve. He will be so very missed.

They say all dogs go to heaven but I think there is probably a really special place for the really good dogs. Jax took his last breath on Wed night around 6:45 after collapsing at home about an hour earlier. We knew that we would be saying goodbye sometime. At his last vet appointment about 3 weeks ago they gave him some pain meds so that we could keep him comfortable. He was surrounded by love in his passing as Steve, Gordon, Reyanne and I all petted him as they administered the meds to help him rest peacefully. 

Saying Goodbye

Thank you Jax for always being exactly what we needed, when we needed it. Thank you for all the lessons that you taught us and for all the memories we will carry with us. Thank you for your unconditional and unwavering love. Run in Paradise big boy. 

Love Grows Best...

 The quote is, "Love grows best in small houses". I sincerely hope that's not true because we have moved into a HUGE house! It's kind of a dream house. The kitchen is huge with double ovens, a gas stove, and a big island. There's also a space in there for a "breakfast nook" but I think we have decided that less is more and we won't be putting a table in there but stands with plants. There's a basement apartment, two living rooms (one has been turned into an office), and a gigantic dining room. It has plenty of bedrooms for everyone and 4 1/2 bathrooms. That bathroom thing is a saving grace for sure if you're going to have 9 people living in one house! 

A couple of reasons for this big house at this point in our lives. The first one is pretty non-traditional. Tai, Jake, Steve, and I all decided that it would be great if we all lived together. We weren't sure this would ever be a reality because while we all wanted to live together, we all also wanted some of our own space. I realize that in today's society, it's not very common for this type of multi-generational living, but see, WE are not really all that common. :) 

The second reason is that I have realized that I am NOT the mom that can just boot her kids out. I don't think I ever will be. So while we should be downsizing as our children get older, we are upsizing because the bigger they get, the more space they need. We have some kiddos with some pretty significant needs. Those needs make it mostly necessary for them to live at home right now and for the foreseeable future.

Steve and I are here for it. This is the path that God has pointed us in, and this is the path that we will follow. We both feel like we are exactly where we are supposed to be at exactly the time that we are needed. We always want to be a safe place for our kiddos to land. We also want to be comfortable in that safe haven. :) 

We also didn't think that we'd be raising any of our grandchildren but here we are. It is a choice we made, just like we made the choice to grow our family when Anitra died. It CAN be absolutely exhausting but it is also so rewarding and we certainly feel blessed. It also made me realize that I don't want to miss anything with Wyn. So far I have gotten to see him learn how to come up the stairs and got to feel his first tooth poke through! I absolutely love getting to say goodnight to him each night and love that he, Rileigh, and the dogs typically greets me at the door when I come home from work. 

Here's to hoping that love also grows in big houses because I cannot wait to see the memories that we make in this beautiful new home. 

Ann Arbor

 It started as a joke. "Tai, you cannot take W with you to Michigan because I will miss him too much." Of course, she argued with me that they could, and would, take W with them. I wasn't expecting, "Mom, just come with us." 

I laughed and said that wasn't possible and that I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel on their vacation and how could I leave Dad and R and the rest of the crew for 4 days and on and on. 

I went to Michigan with them. I told people it was so I could help with W since they would be driving through the night while he slept and they would need someone to hang out with him when they slept and he was super awake. That WAS actually the plan but it didn't really happen like that because I couldn't fall asleep in the car and J got sick. 

So late on a Thursday night, we loaded up and headed for Ann Arbor. W did great! He woke up a few times but then would settle back in with his bottle and live aquarium feeds on YouTube. Each time he'd wake up, he'd give me a look like "Why are you still here?!"

Lots of laughing, a stop at the World's Largest Truck Stop on I-80, a VERY early morning breakfast at Denny's where I actually made Tai pay for a coffee cup instead of her just sticking it in her diaper bag. There were some weird conversations, one in particular about a rotating cow that made me "mad" because I got sucked into the silliness of it all. Oh, and by the way, never, never, ever eat sushi from a truck stop at 4:00 am. It will stick with you for a bit. 

Once we got to Ann Arbor, we had a quick lunch at Shake Shack and headed to the hotel to get checked in. We stayed at The Graduate because that's where L works and she got everyone a discount. It was super cute, although possibly haunted? After being awake for 36 hours, and some Detroit-style pizza, it was finally time to get some sleep. 

Saturday morning started with L's baby shower, the whole reason for the trip. It was beautiful. L & T got some great things for them and the baby, we played a couple of games and had some of the best pineapple I've ever tasted. We went to the lounge for lunch and then a quick nap. T & J went out for dinner that night leaving W and I on our own. We went on a walk around the neighborhood and had some of the most delicious salmon ever tasted, once again at the lounge in the hotel. W gave me the silent treatment for part of the evening because he was mad that I had to put him back in his stroller to go back to our room. It's a good thing he's so cute because boy does he have some attitude. 

On Sunday we walked around downtown and enjoyed a Farmer's Market, way more like a craft fair but it was really neat. We had some great Mexican food and ice cream and got some souvenirs for everyone. After another short nap at the hotel, we headed back to another section of downtown and had dinner. Since it was Father's Day, we let J pick the spot and he did well. They had these HUGE bowls of pho and I went with a bibimop that had some great flavor. 

On Monday, it was time to say goodbye to Ann Arbor. We loaded up and hit the road toward Chicago. I think W had finally gotten used to seeing me every time he looked around. I loved every minute of spending time with him and getting to see him discover how to clap and all his sloppy kisses and giggles. We stopped in another cute little town for lunch at an old tavern/hotel. The food was ridiculously priced but tasty. 

Once in Chicago, we walked all around Millennium Park. Saw and touched the Bean, W absolutely loved such a big mirror. He got to swing and slide and mom played with him in the splash ground just enough for him to have wet hair. We worked our way to Garret's Popcorn and if you know, you know, and if you don't know, you need to! Minus the availability of public bathrooms, it was a great adventure. We then had our Chicago-style deep dish at Giordano's and waddled our way back to the parking garage to head back to Nebraska. 

T did an amazing job getting us safely through Chicago both ways. It might have been a little fast for my liking sometimes but I was grateful for her skill to maneuver us through the heavy traffic. 

For something that started as a joke and ended in a 4-day trip full of lots of walking and lots of relaxing and lots of laughter and lots of yummy food, I'd definitely be willing to make that joke again. 

Now we are back to reality and the boxes are piling up as we get ready for our big move. 

Rally Coach

 Only writing this for accountability. Will publish but not share on social media. I either need to get serious about weight loss without surgery or I need to fulfill my requirements for surgery. 

I received an email from our insurance about a program called Rally Coach. It's offered free for one year. Steve and I are going to jump on this opportunity to try to do better. Writing down my motivation by prompts from the site. 

1) Why did I sign up for Real Appeal? It came to me in an email and I thought, "What do I have to lose?"

2) What makes improving your health and losing weight important to you? I want to be healthier. I want to look better and feel better. I would love to be able to lose some of my meds and most importantly my CPAP machine. I want my grands, and my kids, to see me living a quality life and not one of being in pain all the time. 

3) What are the top five reasons these outcomes are important to me? 1-I want to have more energy;  2-I don't want my grands embarrassed by me; 3-I want to be around for a long time but only with a good quality of life; 4-I want to lose my CPAP - I hate that stupid hose!; 5-I don't want to feel full and sick all of the time. 

4) How would my life be different if I achieve this? I would not carry around the shame and guilt that I do about my body. I would feel more comfortable in my clothing and my surroundings. I would be healthier and be able to participate more in my life and the lives of those around me. 

So this is me...day one...again...

2023 Vacation - Lake Okoboji

I planned a team retreat to Lake Okoboji for my office and their families. Steve and I decided, with permission from my boss, to include the rest of the kids since Jake, Tai, and Wyn were part of the work crew. The other 5 stayed at a hotel in a nearby town and joined us for activities and meals. 

Day One - a little stressful. I was feeling a lot of pressure because I was in charge of the resort reservations, dinner, and getting groceries for everyone's individual/group rooms. We got out of town later than intended and had longer stops than anticipated. Such is the case when traveling with 12 people in 3 cars. 

We made it for dinner reservations JUST in time and had an amazing meal at the one resort's dining spaces. I had an appetizer for dinner and tasted the rest of my family's meals. For the record, you can NEVER go wrong with cheesy shrimp scampi. 

Once everyone was checked in and groceries were picked up and distributed, I was able to actually relax and feel like vacation was on! 

Day Two - the resort we stayed at had an indoor and outdoor waterpark and the plan for day two was to just enjoy those! The outdoor pool had a swim-up bar and the drinks were cold and fruity! Steve and the bigs enjoyed the very steep water slide. The little girl enjoyed the much smaller water slide and enjoyed the leap pads and friends. The baby loved being in the water and found himself asleep in his floaty later that afternoon. 

That night for dinner, I had made reservations for a local Mexican restaurant. This team LOVES their chips and queso. Trey ordered something I'd never seen or heard of before. It was a lot of very spicy food. Steve challenged Tai and me to try it so we each had half of a shrimp dipped in the spicy sauce. It was delicious but I could not have handled more than a bite!

Day Three - Our team held a team meeting (tax write-off) while Steve and Tai took several littles to the Farmer's Market. It sounded like a lot of fun and as nice as the team meeting was, I would have loved to see the market as well. Oh...bonus for the morning was super yummy donuts that I ordered the night before and they were delivered right to the lobby of our resort! 

Steve, the kids, and I (plus bonus kiddo) ate lunch at a cute little local place with only outdoor seating. We then headed to the amusement park where we rode tons of rides. Well, they all rode a bunch of rides, I mostly prefer to watch but did ride the Log Ride and the train. We also enjoyed funnel cake! 

That evening, Steve and I ditched the kiddos and had some alone time. We ate another fantastic meal at one of the resort dining options. We took a little trip down to the docks and then ate dinner waterfront. We had the most delicious salmon, scallops, and giant shrimp. 

Day Four - back to the water park! Steve, Rileigh, and Gordon enjoyed the indoor water slide this time. We relaxed on the lazy river and had a couple more yummy drinks from the swim-up bar. It was then time for Tai and Jake to have some grownup time so we took Wyn and the kiddos to town. We went through a cute little shopping emporium and then had Chinese food in town. 

Day Five - time to head home but first...we must boat! The bigs decided to share the cost of renting a pontoon for a couple of hours. Almost everyone had a great time! We all took a turn driving, even Wyn and Rileigh! A bunch of us actually jumped or climbed into the lake and floated around for a little bit. Sad to say that Wyn was not a huge happy boy on this adventure, probably because of his life jacket. Gordon is also not a huge fan of open bodies of water but he did ok. 

We had a great trip! A family vacation is always a great reprieve! 

May 2023 Family Update

 Wow...has it really been since January that I posted last? I have all these ideas for a blog post but then get in my head about them and then never get them done. Then I blog for several days and then I'm off for another extended amount of time. It's a good thing my blog doesn't pay the bills. :) 

I'll start with a family update...youngest to oldest....

Wyn is an absolute joy. He continues to grow and is so close to being able to crawl! We are really going to have to start baby-proofing this house soon! At a little over 7 months, it's been fun introducing new foods to him, even if he scares us sometimes with this whole baby-led feeding thing. He loves to "help" me cook and sits in his highchair while I bake or make dinner. 

Tiny Human is growing up so much. She loves gymnastics and swimming and science! She is always telling me facts about things and I will admit that sometimes I have to look them up to make sure they're true. Not surprisingly, they almost always are. She has a great mind for big concepts!

Rey is just about to graduate! A whole year early! She has worked super hard to secure all of her credit hours. She's taken summer classes her entire high school career and has doubled up on elearning classes. After kind of a rough fall, it's been great to see her turn things back around and be ready to graduate in less than a month! It's so hard to believe that this girl is already 17 and about to embark on a whole new adventure. 

Gordon has gone back to school starting at SCC! He has also started a new job at PetSmart and is learning all the ways to groom dogs. He has gotten very involved with his church and is volunteering on a couple of different committees. I am SO happy that he has found a spiritual home where he feels loved and welcomed just as he is. 

The 22-year-olds are working away and working towards becoming more and more independent. Trey has been looking hard for a suitable place to rent and is ready to move out! Ariez is too but he's got a few other things that he's working on right now too. He took a refresher driver's ed course and is trying really hard to find an inexpensive car. Once he has that, he too will be looking for his own place. 

Tai and Jake have done some really exciting things lately. I think I told you about Tai's new job at Cedar's and now Jake works in my office as a Client Service Liason. He's learning the ropes of the financial advising industry and plans to get licensed in the near future. He's been a great addition to our team. I feel a little bad for the guy because he's stuck with me at work and outside of work. Tai continues to work on her associate's degree, works full-time, and has her own crafting business. She's a super busy momma/wife! :) 

We've also added to our family by "taking in" one of the kids' friends who just doesn't have the support he deserves from his biological family. His name is Cole and he's a great addition to our already crazy crew. He will be graduating with Rey and we are excited to be able to support and assist this wonderful young man in this part of his journey. 

Steve and I just celebrated our 22 wedding anniversary. We were able to get away from the house and kids and actually go out to dinner alone. Steve is ALMOST done with his degree! He's just busy, busy, busy all the time so it was a nice treat to be able to have him all to myself for a couple of hours. 

That's all kids...I'll write about some individual things in posts coming up. 

BS 7 - Psych Appt

This is where things get real for me. I knew leading up to this appt that I had one of two options. I could give my standard "things are fine" responses and pass the eval or I could get real about the state of my mental health and struggles and face a potential delay in surgery.

I didn't really know how I was going to answer the questions until they were asked. The doctor asked about my current state of things and I paused. I looked at my phone and saw the picture of R & W and started to cry. This surgery journey is about getting healthy so that I can live longer and enjoy more of my grandchildren. If I don't address my mental health, along with my physical health, what is the point? 

So I answered honestly. "I'm not okay." The very kind doctor stopped. He took a breath. He said, "I'm sorry things are hard right now. I want you to see a therapist. And if you can't find a therapist, call me and I will listen and help." 

We made a safety plan, something I haven't needed in a really long time. He made a follow-up appointment. I made an appointment with a therapist. 

Yes, there will be a little delay in surgery clearance. Yes, it will be totally worth it. Yes, it's hard. It's hard to say "I'm not okay", it's hard to need help, and it's hard to put my mental health a priority. I'm also convinced that it's the only way I want to have surgery. No amount of weight loss will matter if I can't enjoy life and my family and myself.  

BS 6 - Nuclear Med Study

The follow-up to my upper GI test was the Nuclear Medicine Gastric Emptying Study. 

The nurse emailed me and asked if I wanted the next available appointment. She said they only do them on Wed mornings. Ok. Works for me, let's get it done. So at 5:15 AM, I left for Omaha. I was TIRED, to say the least. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. I'm getting used to that at this point. 

The first thing we do is laugh at the tech's statement "this is a judgment-free zone" as he presented me with microwaved egg whites, a slice of white bread that he called toast even though it was not toasted, and a tiny cup of water. 

I had been warned about these eggs. I was allowed to salt them, then put them on my bread and just tried to eat them as fast as I could because they really did taste unpleasant. They were extremely wet. I like my eggs well done. I saved a little piece of the bread so that I could finish my meal with a little bit of grape jelly on it. 

Then it was time for pictures. They did x-rays every 30 minutes for the first hour and then an hour in between the next sets of pictures. 

This was a super easy test. The test of the eggs went away when I got some real breakfast after I left the hospital.

Best part...I passed! 

Next up, the dreaded psych appointment and the EGD. 

Cooking

 I love to cook. 

Yes, sometimes it's hard for me to gather the energy to cook for my family. Yes, sometimes it seems like a huge chore. Yes, I am guilty of repeating quick, easy, cheap recipes that are staples for our family. No, I don't typically cook things that I don't like. I just saw a "save your family cheap pasta dish" headline and so I quickly ran to the recipe. Chickpeas and pasta. I don't like chickpeas. I'm not making that. 

Ultimately, I like the challenge. I love finding new recipes, and I actually usually measure ingredients the first time I make a new dish. Typically, if I've made the recipe more than once, I measure with my heart. :) I love finding new styles of cooking and new ingredients to cook with. I have even been found to be super annoying by posting a bunch of pictures of the new recipes I make.

Feeding my family brings me joy. Not much makes me happier than when the family sits down and says that the best part of the day is whatever I've just cooked them. I am a sucker for a "that looks super yummy" comment on my annoying food pics. It may be just lip service but I'm mostly even okay with that. 

For Christmas, I made a figgy pudding. Not my cup of tea but the people who liked it really loved it! One of my favorite recipes was a Greek salad with cucumbers, tomatoes, feta, etc...It was super yummy and fresh. We had that for "Greek Night" for family dinner. 

I am a fan of TikTok recipes, I have a couple of people I follow that I really like to try their recipes. I am a huge fan of Pinterest. Facebook recipes and the good monthly ad magazine that Hy-Vee puts out. 

Recently I made a traditional oxtail pho. First time making my own broth, my first time cooking (and eating) oxtail. That was a two-day cooking prep. While that was cooking, I tried my hand at a copy-cat Chili's chili recipe. With the help of the family, we had homemade egg rolls, homemade crab rangoon, and handmade spring rolls with a yummy sweet chili dipping sauce. That meal was a huge success! 

I've recently made a Lancashire Hotpot dish with a lamb roast. It had juicy lamb pieces with veggies and sliced potatoes on top. I sliced my potatoes too thinly and the sauce was a little loose but the flavor was good. 

Next up, I'm trying my hand at Baria tacos with homemade tortillas! Wish me luck! What are some fun recipes that I should try out that are favorites of yours? 

BS 5 - Upper GI

 I didn't look up the weather before leaving the house at 8:00 am last Thursday. I don't typically think about the weather being much different in Omaha than in Lincoln. If I had, I would have gotten nervous much sooner than when the snow started blowing across the interstate. GPS took me off the interstate for a little bit because of an accident that had completely stopped traffic. I went through Bellevue and Papillion. While sliding through the intersection to get onto the highway was no fun, I am still glad for the detour because it allowed me to go at much slower speeds and much less traffic.

Anyway, I arrived at UNMC safe and sound and even found my way with (almost) ease to the correct department! The receptionists were not professional or good but that's a story for another day. I got changed and the X-ray techs were very kind and calming. 

Stand against the platform, drink in the left hand, and drink when told to. Easy enough! Except for that awful, awful thick barium. Oh wow. Not as bad as the drink for the colonoscopy but eww! The doctor asked if it was the texture or the taste. Both. I gagged several times. I can't even remember how many swallows of it I had to take but it was truly gross. 

Then they have this tiny cup of water. They add a packet of something that makes it fizzy and tell you to "shoot" it. It didn't taste bad at all but the bubbles are a shock to the system. Oh, this will create bubbles, that's what it's designed to do but "try not to burp." Noted...I tried. 

Next, I leaned back and the table laid me onto my back, and was told to roll "slowly, like a log". This is designed to coat your stomach with the wonderful barium you just drank. A few pictures were taken, and a few pauses so I didn't actually lose my non-existent breakfast. Only to be told that my stomach was not emptying the way that it should. She asked me about my favorite food. She said that sometimes just talking about food makes your stomach empty. It didn't. 

Back to the upright position. Back to the chair for a 10-minute break to allow my stomach to empty. Ten minutes later, the doctor returned and we were mostly good to go. She got the pictures that she needed and then I got to have another drink. This one was less thick and had a very slight strawberry taste. The really cool thing about this drink was when she told me to swallow, I could watch the machine and see the liquid going through my esophagus. I love that stuff! Anyway, the drink was better but not good. 

I have a small hernia. It doesn't appear to be causing many issues and will most likely be repaired when I have WLS. Also, they noted a "possible gastric emptying abnormality" as there was still food from over 10 hours ago in my stomach. 

Next up, thanks to the results of the Upper GI, I have a nuclear medicine gastric emptying study. At least there will be no barium for that! I get egg whites, toast, and water! 

Downtown Night

 I can't explain it in any other way than to say that it was my mother's intuition. I was home alone at night with the two younger kids. Something just felt off. You weren't due home yet but something felt off. 

I checked the locator app and saw that you were downtown. This is not where you were supposed to be. The locator showed that you were parked. I tried calling you, and calling you, and calling you. No answer. You had previously told us that one of your "plans" included jumping from the top of a parking garage. 

I started panic calling dad. He was in the movie theatre and after about 5 or 6 calls, he answered and I told him my fears. We called your sister, who is closer to downtown than we are. She left to pick up dad from the theatre and get to you. I couldn't leave the house because there was nobody there to watch the little one. I also couldn't get to you in time. 

The officer said, "ma'am, I don't know why but anytime the threat is real, they take off their shoes before they jump. When we got to your kid, the shoes were off. G is safe now."

All of this seemed like it took hours but I know it was probably only minutes. You had called the police so that they would get to your body, not you, just your body. You didn't tell them where you were, just what you were going to do. They found you. They brought you into safety and then took you to the hospital to meet dad there. 

You came home after your evaluation. I was floored that they would let you go but it was decided that the crisis had passed. A couple days later, it was determined that you were still in crisis and that it hadn't passed. You were admitted to the hospital for a brief stay to get you through the crisis. 

It has been over a year since this event. It's been on my mind since your birthday. It came up in a conversation I was having about not being sure if we would make it to your 19th birthday. I thought maybe if I wrote about it, I could let it go. 

Happy Adulthood Gordon

 To my handsome son on his 19th birthday...

I remember so clearly the first time they put you in my arms. I had beautiful visions of the type of mother I would be for you. I had dreams for you to grow and be an amazing human. 

Good news...you made it to adulthood and you ARE an amazing human! I am so excited for that and for you to continue to forge your path through life. Bad news...I haven't always been the mother that I dreamed I would be and I'm sorry for the times that I've let you down. 

Gordon, you have taught me so much that my dreams for you aren't what matters. I mean that in a good way. The dreams that you have for yourself are so much more important! They're also so much better because they're yours! It's been great to watch you find out what those dreams are. 

I know that you struggle to find your place and purpose in this life. You will say, "I never expected to make it to 19 so I don't know what to do!" I want to be honest. The last few years have made me fear that we wouldn't celebrate your 19th birthday. I am beyond joyed that we've made it! 

Your journey to 19 has been plagued with mental health challenges. It's been bumpy and messy but it's a journey that has continued and you've grown and you've tackled these challenges head-on. Even when you've used avoidance, you've still gone through the challenge. There are times that you've tried very hard to not make it this long and so your birthday means something a little different and stronger for me. I have read your "goodbye letters", I've sat with you in the ER after an overdose, woken to have police in the house after a drug overdose, etc. So when your birthday comes, I am reminded how blessed I am to still have you, on your hard days and on your good days. 

I pray that you've looked into the future and thought about what 20 will look like, what 30 will look like, and what every year in between will look like. I don't mean that you have to know what you will be doing, but that you will be alive and have a future. There's no pressure here for you to have it all figured out, just that you WANT to still be here to figure it out. 

To you, my son, my friend (most days :) ), my challenger, I wish you the best of birthdays with hopes, prayers and dreams of many, many more to come. I love you. I will never stop loving you, I will never stop fighting for you when you can't. 

Bariatric 5 - Nutrition Appt

 Friday was my first appointment in Omaha (where I will have surgery). I had a Nutrition class and a blood draw. 

First we will give a huge shout-out to the tech who drew my blood. She used the little needle without having to be told (huge win!) and she didn't necessarily dig but did some squishing around and was able to get the vein to work without having to stick me again. You could tell she was really good at her job. I don't even have a bruise. Anyone that knows me, knows that this is usually the worst part of any appointment because I have little tiny, rolly-poly veins. 

There were no surprises from my blood work. That's good news. My blood sugars were a little high but I wasn't told to fast and had breakfast from BK on my way out of town so...again, no surprises there. 

The Nutrition class was good. It was a lot of information. Some new, mostly reiterations of stuff I already know after having been through just about every weight loss program there is. There will be some changes to what I already know because of the size of my stomach following surgery but nothing super shocking because of all the research I have done. 

Time for the brutally honest parts of the appointments. I spent a super unhealthy portion of the weekend stressed out and overly-anxiously obsessing about food. What I can eat now versus what I can eat then. Portions and how will I ever be able to enjoy or consume some of my favorite comfort foods (popcorn, chips and salsa, etc.). Protein shakes. Meal replacements. How I can get enough protein in the day. Big change - only 3 meals a day with very minimal snacking! Every program I've ever gone through says 6 small meals a day...post-op is only 3 meals a day. 

I spent way too much time in my head obsessing about the two-week pre-op diet and the post-op diet. The two weeks prior to surgery require no solid food. One of the toughest days I have had was the 24 hours of no solid food prior to my colonoscopy...that will make this seem like a cakewalk. 

My daughter said, "mom, you can do this if you really want this. We will support you no matter what you decide. We will help you however we can." I know they will. They can't do the mental part for me. I know why the prep is so long to get ready for surgery. It's processing time. It's preparing yourself mentally. It's making the decision that this is a lifelong journey. 

Baby steps. Baby steps are how I will get there. 

We Stand With You

 I know when the world gets too heavy because those are the days that Gordon asks for a hug. 

All of you know that we've been on an extensive journey with Gordon for many years. Lots of twists and turns on this mental health road map. He's been doing very well, by the way. Through all of that, Gordon isn't really a hugger or physical touch person (unless you count a good back-scratch!). So when Gordon asks for a hug, I know that the world has gotten really heavy and he just needs some reassurance. 

Yesterday, Gordon asked for a hug. The shooting at Club Q in Colorado should shake most of us to our core at the simple disregard for humankind in general. It should absolutely shake you to know that this type of hatred and ugliness exists. This evil person's actions are not because his mother is a Mormon or because his grandfather is pictured in a MAGA hat. Please don't let those "details" become a distraction to the core issue. 

For those in the LGBTQ+ universe, it becomes terrifying. It's a very real reminder that there are people who hate you just because you exist. There are people who would prefer you dead than exist in their world. You've done nothing but be true and honest about who you are, who you love, and how you identify in life.  For that, you've become a target for their hatred. 

For those struggling in the aftermath of the latest hate crime targeted at you, I see you. We, the advocates and allies, see you. We feel your pain. We sense your fear. You are safe with us. Your cries are heard, your frustrations are validated, and your fear is valid.  This type of hatred and ugliness do not cancel you. For the allies, it makes you MORE visible. 

If you need a hug today, ask for one. There is someone in your life holding space for you. There are people in your life that love you, validate you and are so thankful that you are here and that you are true to who you are. 

Bariatric 4

 After waiting patiently, I finally emailed my PA yesterday that  I had not yet heard from the scheduler. Well, apparently the email was seen because the scheduler called this morning before 10:00 am and oh boy am I scheduled! 

Upcoming appointments include: 

Upper GI

EGD

1st Nutrition Clinic

Blood Work

1st Psych 

All of these are happening between now and January 19th and almost all of them are occurring on different days, almost all in Omaha. I'm keeping my fingers now that the weather holds out for all of those dates. The really good news is that the only one I need someone to come with me is for the EGD. 

After my 2nd nutrition clinic, I get to schedule my cardiac release appointment. Then I'll finally get to meet the surgeon. 

Stay tuned for updates! 

Bariatric - 3

 FINALLY I was able to have my consultation with UNMC on 11/4/22. It seems like it took forever to even get this far. 

I met with the PA and had a really great conversation about what the surgery will entail and all of the things that I need to do to get prepared for the surgery. I was disappointed when she said to not expect surgery for 9 months. Through processing my feelings about it, I was able to remember that this is a life-time journey and not a race to the finish line. I would rather take my time getting to the surgery date if that means that I have a better chance of being successful. Additionally, I have been contemplating this surgery for at least 3 years. Another 9 months is nothing, right? 

She was able to describe both the bypass and the sleeve surgeries and the risks involved with both. It is possible that I won't qualify for the sleeve depending on the outcome of upper GI test because of the acid reflux that I have. IF that becomes an issue, we'd have to look more closely at the bypass. We'll cross that bridge if we have to. I'm not 100% against the bypass but I am more interested in the sleeve. Maybe I need to do a blog post about the difference? 

Anyway...the list of things I must accomplish prior to surgery...1) upper GI, possible endoscope 2) cardiac clearance due to heart disease in the family 3) 3 dietician appointments 4) psychology appt(s) 5) quit smoking 6) give up soda and carbonated beverages 6) letter of support from my psychiatrist 7) bone density scan (I have osteopenia). 

I'm sure that there will be another million things along the way but it's all for good. At least I have a list now to begin on. 

Bariatric - 2

 Our insurance company has a program that you must go through if you are contemplating bariatric surgery. I had that appt with my coach on 9/20/22. For some reason (maybe a BILLION life things) I didn't actually write about that. 

The appointment happened while I was at the hospital for Wyn's birth. Tai and Jake were making laps around the nurse's station while I had a phone meeting with the nurse coach. We went over my medical history and we went through the reasons I want to have the surgery. 

I love the awareness that those appointments bring. Each time I go through the history of my weight journey, I'm reminded of how it all felt. The excitement in initially dropping pounds and the frustration when I stall out or hit a huge life hiccup. It reminds me of the changes I need to make in my soul for the surgery to be successful. It reminds me why I want to complete this journey. 

Old Traditions with New Style

 Wise words from Gordon. "Mom, I'm glad we can still do our traditions, even if they have to change a little bit." 

I was feeling a little bit bummed about our annual pumpkin carving because it was very different than years past. I've mentioned that we used to all go to Roca and then spend the next weekend carving pumpkins and roasting pumpkin seeds. It was a big event. All the kids participated and there was lots of mom being nervous about the knives and mess and dad saying, "they're old enough now to use the knife but do it like this." 

This year we had a much smaller crew. Two kiddos were working, one couldn't get down the stairs and was sleeping and people kind of worked in shifts. I sat on the deck holding the baby so he could "be a part of it" even though he's too little. I was also working on dinner and needed to be able to jump inside for that. 

Poppa helped the Tiny Human (we may have to come up with a new name soon). She completely designed what she wanted and then got all the seeds out of her white pumpkin. Poppa then carved it for her while she worked on climbing the fence. 

Jake worked diligently on carving out a pumpkin for pics for Wyn to sit in and have an epic photo shoot. The photo shoot hasn't been done yet but I'll be sure to share pics when it has been. 

Gordon & Tai seemed to have the most fun picking designs for their brother's pumpkins and then Gordon decided that every good pumpkin clearly needed to be worn. 

Tai and I later cleaned all the pumpkin seeds and they will be roasted as soon as I remember to do so. Today they were left in the oven while the preheat was set for baking. I've heard they survived and at some point, I will actually need to roast them. 

Oh, and Sunday was nap day for some of us. 

Your Light

This picture came up in my FB memories today. I love the laugh and smile in your eyes. I wasn't there when the pics were taken but I can tell that whatever was going on was producing genuine happiness. Your senior year of high school. Your days should have been some of your best. I love seeing these because they remind me of the good times in your life. 

Rythm, how I wish that your life had turned out so much differently. How I wish that you had been able to accept the help and opportunities that were presented to you. How I wish that you had used the strength within you for the positive things in life instead of using it to just survive the next traumatic event. 

It's been almost exactly 2 years since we got that call. The one that we feared we would someday get but hoped wouldn't actually come. Not the one saying that you had died. Sometimes I think this call was worse than that. I know that probably sounds awful but some days it feels true. You're gone but your still here. 

There is a tremendous amount of grief in this situation. It's complex grief. It's mourning the loss of the life that you could have had, the loss of the life that you should have had. It's mourning with the people who love you and mourning with the people who still need you. It's the question of how we could have better prevented this type of life for you. It's the realization that you, and you alone, made the choices that put you where you are. It's the finality of the sentence that not only you must serve. 

I do believe that there is purpose in each thing that happens and your life isn't over yet and time will tell what you still have left to contribute to those around you and those on the outside still praying for you and still loving you through your darkest days. I don't know what the future holds for you. I don't know what the future holds for those that love you. I just know that there is still hope, there will always be hope, that this will allow you to live the new best life for you. The new reality of your actions and choices. 

The light does not have to be gone from your eyes. The laughter does not have to be gone from your soul. You still have so much to give the world. You still have the choice to make the best of this new life. It's not the one you wanted but it's the one you chose with your actions. I pray daily that you embrace the challenges of your life and heal from the trauma that others caused, and heal most importantly from the trauma that you caused. I pray that you find yourself and choose to live this new life.