Happy Adulthood Gordon

 To my handsome son on his 19th birthday...

I remember so clearly the first time they put you in my arms. I had beautiful visions of the type of mother I would be for you. I had dreams for you to grow and be an amazing human. 

Good news...you made it to adulthood and you ARE an amazing human! I am so excited for that and for you to continue to forge your path through life. Bad news...I haven't always been the mother that I dreamed I would be and I'm sorry for the times that I've let you down. 

Gordon, you have taught me so much that my dreams for you aren't what matters. I mean that in a good way. The dreams that you have for yourself are so much more important! They're also so much better because they're yours! It's been great to watch you find out what those dreams are. 

I know that you struggle to find your place and purpose in this life. You will say, "I never expected to make it to 19 so I don't know what to do!" I want to be honest. The last few years have made me fear that we wouldn't celebrate your 19th birthday. I am beyond joyed that we've made it! 

Your journey to 19 has been plagued with mental health challenges. It's been bumpy and messy but it's a journey that has continued and you've grown and you've tackled these challenges head-on. Even when you've used avoidance, you've still gone through the challenge. There are times that you've tried very hard to not make it this long and so your birthday means something a little different and stronger for me. I have read your "goodbye letters", I've sat with you in the ER after an overdose, woken to have police in the house after a drug overdose, etc. So when your birthday comes, I am reminded how blessed I am to still have you, on your hard days and on your good days. 

I pray that you've looked into the future and thought about what 20 will look like, what 30 will look like, and what every year in between will look like. I don't mean that you have to know what you will be doing, but that you will be alive and have a future. There's no pressure here for you to have it all figured out, just that you WANT to still be here to figure it out. 

To you, my son, my friend (most days :) ), my challenger, I wish you the best of birthdays with hopes, prayers and dreams of many, many more to come. I love you. I will never stop loving you, I will never stop fighting for you when you can't.