Your Light

This picture came up in my FB memories today. I love the laugh and smile in your eyes. I wasn't there when the pics were taken but I can tell that whatever was going on was producing genuine happiness. Your senior year of high school. Your days should have been some of your best. I love seeing these because they remind me of the good times in your life. 

Rythm, how I wish that your life had turned out so much differently. How I wish that you had been able to accept the help and opportunities that were presented to you. How I wish that you had used the strength within you for the positive things in life instead of using it to just survive the next traumatic event. 

It's been almost exactly 2 years since we got that call. The one that we feared we would someday get but hoped wouldn't actually come. Not the one saying that you had died. Sometimes I think this call was worse than that. I know that probably sounds awful but some days it feels true. You're gone but your still here. 

There is a tremendous amount of grief in this situation. It's complex grief. It's mourning the loss of the life that you could have had, the loss of the life that you should have had. It's mourning with the people who love you and mourning with the people who still need you. It's the question of how we could have better prevented this type of life for you. It's the realization that you, and you alone, made the choices that put you where you are. It's the finality of the sentence that not only you must serve. 

I do believe that there is purpose in each thing that happens and your life isn't over yet and time will tell what you still have left to contribute to those around you and those on the outside still praying for you and still loving you through your darkest days. I don't know what the future holds for you. I don't know what the future holds for those that love you. I just know that there is still hope, there will always be hope, that this will allow you to live the new best life for you. The new reality of your actions and choices. 

The light does not have to be gone from your eyes. The laughter does not have to be gone from your soul. You still have so much to give the world. You still have the choice to make the best of this new life. It's not the one you wanted but it's the one you chose with your actions. I pray daily that you embrace the challenges of your life and heal from the trauma that others caused, and heal most importantly from the trauma that you caused. I pray that you find yourself and choose to live this new life.