Today

It's a weird day.

It's Friday the 13th, which means nothing to me except my husband says those are the luckiest days of the year. :)

I recognized at 8:30 this morning that while I was dropping of Rileigh at school, that 7 years ago I was hearing her voice for the last time ever. Did I miss something? I don't think so. She sounded ok. Not great, she'd just gotten out of the hospital the day before, but not alarming. Nothing that made me concerned that it might be the last time I ever heard her live voice. "Call me if you need anything. I love you sissy." "Ok, I love you too sissy."

I recognized at 12:30 this afternoon that 7 years ago today she was officially deceased. We wouldn't know for another 4 hours but the police said she died between 8:30 a.m. and 12:00 p.m.

I'm not more sad today then I am any other time that I miss her. Then I feel guilty for that because maybe I'm supposed to be? I'm not more aware of her being gone today then I am other days. It's another day that she is not here with us.

I am so grateful that she is at peace. I am also thankful for our family, the big messy chaos of becoming a family with 6 kids instead of 3. I'm thankful for them all. I'm aware of the fact that had this day not happened 7 years ago, we wouldn't be that same family. I'm not more aware of that today then I am any other day.

That doesn't mean I don't value the significance of this day. I recognize that it might be a harder day for some other people. I want everyone to feel exactly how they need to feel today but am also hopeful that they recognize that today is a day. Tomorrow will be a new day of feelings and processing.

There's no real point to this post other than to say that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel so I feel weird.

Love to all - me

Dear Mental Health

This was written by my pretty amazing 15 year old. She is insanely brave to share her journey and to keep fighting.

"Dear depression please stop thinking of ways you are going to crash the car.
Dear anxiety please stop worrying about people crashing into me.
Dear bipolar stop telling people you are crazy your not crazy.
Dear anxiety stop thinking about the day going bad.
Dear depression let me get out of this bed.
Dear anxiety I know I locked the door don't tell me I didn't lock the door.
Dear bipolar I don't want to laugh again.
Dear depression get out of bed I mean it.
Dear anxiety she's not looking at you, you're looking at her.
Dear depression stop asking Google if you have friends Google doesn't know anymore than you.
Dear anxiety stop thinking that Google knows everything about you.
Dear bipolar stop talking no one is listening.
Dear anxiety they aren't cheating and even if they were it's just a stupid board game.
Dear depression people do love you.
Dear brain stop rejecting the meds I need them to work this time.
Dear bipolar do not make me tell you to get out of this bed.
Dear anxiety stop telling my sister I love her she knows and she knew that the 8th time I told her today.
Dear depression you do not need to die you're fine.
Dear bipolar do not tell me I don't need these meds.
Dear anxiety could you just stop for a second I need to catch up on what we are worried about.
Dear depression thank you for getting out of bed but now the couch?
Dear bipolar I really don't need 12 hours of sleep but thanks for the suggestion.
Dear anxiety why are you you sweating it's 50 degrees out.
Dear depression please go play basketball.
Dear bipolar stop touching your sisters head shes probably annoyed.
Dear anxiety stop thinking.
Dear depression stop being gloomy.
And bipolar stop being a nebraskas weather wannabe it's not happening.
Dear mental health good bye." -- Genevieve Fankhauser

Courtney

We were friends back in the day. I have pictures of you from slumber parties and classes together and we worked together for a time. I can remember your smile, your tears, your laughter, your voice from choir together.

We didn't really stay in touch but I watched your family and life on Facebook. I laughed at so many of your posts and prayed for you when your aunt died. I applauded your son's graduation and your daughter's dances and your anniversaries and date nights.

I'm thinking of your family tonight. They don't know that tomorrow is just another hard day and the days since Friday have been hard but there are so many more hard ones to come. I have prayed for them. I cried for your daughter's pleas to come back. There will be more pleas in the next days and weeks and years.

My heart hurts for them as they try to make sense of the tragedy of losing you. It's over for you but really just beginning for them. So tonight I lay in bed and pray for them. I pray that you have found the peace you were looking for and I pray for their hearts that will never really beat the same.

May you rest in peace, sweet Courtney and may your family find peace in any little moments they can.

xxoo

Blah

The anxiety left after 2 days. Two days longer than it was invited for. It left the souvenir of "blah-ness."  I told my husband I felt sad and that wasn't really accurate. I just feel blah.

And exhausted. Totally, completely exhausted. The type of exhaustion that you just feel all the way deep in your soul and there's no real need for it.

I feel clingy and want to be super close to my husband but also want to be left alone at the exact same moment.

I want to crawl in bed and sleep for days. I want to stay in the dark and just be. I know that won't actually make me feel better but maybe just a short nap? I tell my girls, "the longer you stay in bed, the harder it is to get out of bed." True statement for depression but also...just the things I feel like I want the most.

It doesn't help that I knew this would be the next feeling after riding anxiety for a couple days. It doesn't help that I know I won't go to bed right now because I have too much to do and also because I know that it will most likely just leave me more tired.

So here we are...the next phase. Neither one better or worse than the other. Neither one very welcome. Neither one scheduled on Cozi. Neither one willing to sit back on the back burner and let me truly enjoy the days.

Thankfully, they pass. All of these days pass. They don't come as frequent as they used to. They don't stay as long as they used to. They're more manageable. They exist just as I do. Moments in time.

Anxiety

There are days that the anxiety feels like too much.

It isn't necessarily triggered by anything but yet feels to be triggered by everything all at the same time. Like I'm forgetting to feel or do something big, or even a bunch of little things. It feels like some bad thing is in the near future or has already happened but I don't know about it yet.

The stack of dishes at home seems overwhelming to think about. The stack of paperwork in my desk seems too overwhelming to put away. The bills that need paid (that will be paid on payday) seem too much even though I know they aren't because we pay them every month. The kids that need things (as kids should) that feel too big a need, even if it's just to feed them dinner. The thought of driving home but not wanting to be anywhere else.

With the anxiety usually comes guilt. I'm spread too thin to give each entity exactly how much they need. Guilt that I stayed up too late or went to bed too early. Guilt that I could not be exactly who each person needed me to be in that exact moment. Guilt that I haven't done enough and won't leave a lasting legacy when my time has come.

Some of the things I get anxious about sound silly, especially to me on a good day but on a bad day...well all bets are off and I can imagine and feel every single emotion and thought that there is.

I know that it will pass but in the meantime, it sits on my chest like a very large elephant, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to focus. Making it hard to feel just ok. So I tell myself, "it's okay to not feel ok all of the time." I tell myself, "the only one who expects you to do it all perfectly is yourself (though that one is mostly a lie)." But I don't feel the things I tell myself. I still feel the anxiety and the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed and do nothing.

I know that out of the blue, I will feel better. No magic pill, no magic solution to any real or imagined problem. Just boom...I won't feel it in my soul anymore. I don't know if that will happen in an hour, in 3 hours, tomorrow...it's passing is as unpredictable as it's coming.

Teamwork

I've seen two versions of this on several different fb posts today.

I distinctly remember telling my husband, during a particularly rough patch, "I don't need you to do this life with me. I WANT to do this life with you but I do not need you to survive it." I was pretty proud of my "I am woman, hear me roar" statement at that moment.

It's a true, and untrue statement all at the same time.

Truth - If, God-forbid something happened to my husband or my wedded status, I would in-fact survive. It wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be as great and it wouldn't be my dream. Life would look very, very different than I have imagined our future. It would make me sad and it would make me angry and it would even probably take a good amount of time to get to "survival." But survive I would...

Untrue - I DO need him to do THIS life. The life that we are living right this minute, the life that we have envisioned for our future, the life that we want to live (well, I haven't asked him today so I should say I want to live (haha)). This life, the one we keep fighting for, the one we keep asking our children to hold onto, needs both of us together needing each other.

There is absolutely no shame in needing a person. There is no shame in needing each other to get through life's every day crap. It's not even all the big stuff; it's the nitty-gritty day-by-exhausting-day stuff that we need each other for. He needs me to start dinner because I get home earlier. I need him to do the laundry because it's something that totally overwhelms me. He needs me to remind him about appointments. I need him to make sure the bills are all paid. He needs me to set my alarm early to make sure the kids have gotten up. I need him to stay up later to pick up kids from events.

Now, could we do these things on our own? I mean, of course we could. We are both pretty competent people. But the point is that we don't have to do all of it ourselves. We are a team. We do absolutely depend on each other and need each other as a part of our team.

Depending on each other isn't weakness, it isn't a lack of independence, it's teamwork.

Sibling Day

Apparently it's National Sibling Day. I have seen it all over Facebook so it must be true. 

I have a super blended family. A couple of them. On my biological father's side, I have 1 sister, two brothers. On my biological mothers side, I have 4 sisters (one is the same as my dad's side), 2 brothers. One of these sisters is full-blooded, 2 sisters are half-sisters, 2 brothers are half-brothers, 2 brothers are step-brothers, and 1 sister is a step-sister. Did I mention one my sisters is deceased? That makes it for a whole other question when people ask, "how many siblings do you have?" On one side of my family I am the youngest but middle and on the other side of the family I am the oldest. Try explaining all of that to a genetic counselor. :)

In turn, I have my own super blended set of blended children. Three of my children are biologically mine, 1 of them is biologically mine but from a previous marriage, and 3 of them are adopted but are also my nieces and nephew. So their sibling set is complicated too. All but two of my children have extended siblings. 

How many friends do you have that you consider a sibling? I have a couple. They are so close that friend doesn't seem quite appropriate even though there is nothing biologically making them a sibling. 

How do you celebrate National Sibling Day? Did you even know it was a thing? Is it even a thing? 

To be honest, when Anitra first died, I struggled with it. Now, I smile when I see all the silly memes and remember those times of fighting over the remote (like my daughter just posted). I give heart hugs (little heart prayers) to those expressing loss of siblings. I pull memories from my mind of each of my siblings. I smile, or frown, depending on which memory is pulled. 

Being a sibling is fun! Sure, there are moments when we've each thought "dang, I wish I was an only child!" Mostly though, I feel bad for my friends who don't have siblings...they have no idea that you could hope beyond hope that one of them got blamed for whatever was messy or broken growing up; they have no idea that there's a whole language for siblings. I hope that they have friends and cousins that they consider siblings. 

I'm so thankful for all of the lessons my siblings and I have learned together, or been taught by each other. I'm thankful my kids have a wide-variety of the same. 

Happy Siblings Day! (Not to any of my siblings because they don't read this! HA!)