Anxiety

There are days that the anxiety feels like too much.

It isn't necessarily triggered by anything but yet feels to be triggered by everything all at the same time. Like I'm forgetting to feel or do something big, or even a bunch of little things. It feels like some bad thing is in the near future or has already happened but I don't know about it yet.

The stack of dishes at home seems overwhelming to think about. The stack of paperwork in my desk seems too overwhelming to put away. The bills that need paid (that will be paid on payday) seem too much even though I know they aren't because we pay them every month. The kids that need things (as kids should) that feel too big a need, even if it's just to feed them dinner. The thought of driving home but not wanting to be anywhere else.

With the anxiety usually comes guilt. I'm spread too thin to give each entity exactly how much they need. Guilt that I stayed up too late or went to bed too early. Guilt that I could not be exactly who each person needed me to be in that exact moment. Guilt that I haven't done enough and won't leave a lasting legacy when my time has come.

Some of the things I get anxious about sound silly, especially to me on a good day but on a bad day...well all bets are off and I can imagine and feel every single emotion and thought that there is.

I know that it will pass but in the meantime, it sits on my chest like a very large elephant, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to focus. Making it hard to feel just ok. So I tell myself, "it's okay to not feel ok all of the time." I tell myself, "the only one who expects you to do it all perfectly is yourself (though that one is mostly a lie)." But I don't feel the things I tell myself. I still feel the anxiety and the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed and do nothing.

I know that out of the blue, I will feel better. No magic pill, no magic solution to any real or imagined problem. Just boom...I won't feel it in my soul anymore. I don't know if that will happen in an hour, in 3 hours, tomorrow...it's passing is as unpredictable as it's coming.