Safe and Somber

Our beautiful G is in the hospital again. She had a little set back. We have been well informed by many in the profession that this would likely happen again. It doesn't make it any easier...

She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.

For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.

Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.

"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.

We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.

We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks. 

The Holiday Season

Our gracious Board of Directors gifted all of my staff with the week off between Christmas and New Years. I "worked" (we had a party) until 3:00 on the 21st and go back to work in the morning.

It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that  my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.

I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.

We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.

We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.

I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.

Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.

Tired #endthestigma

There are days that I just can't find the words to express how exhausting depression is. Everyone says that. I say that...people ask how I am and the answer is, "tired." Two of my daughters tell me that when I ask if they're ok, "yep, just tired mom." I understand that "tired."

It's not a lie. I am tired. Tired of fighting the battle within myself to get up in the morning. Tired of fighting the tapes that play over and over in my mind. Tired of the insomnia and anxiety that prevent me from really feeling like I'm getting any sleep at all. Tired of never feeling like quite enough. Tired of feeling as though I've failed so many people, so many times. Tired of trying to figure out what is real and what is just perception. Tired of "being strong" all of the time. Tired of feeling guilty for the things that I cannot change. Tired of feeling responsible for all the balls in the air. Tired of feeling guilty for feeling so crappy when I have so much to be thankful for.

I have said to a couple of people, "my soul is tired...so tired." I am so blessed. I am. I am aware of all that I have. I am aware of all of God's glory and mercy. Depression doesn't make me not realize how blessed I am. Depression doesn't make me not see how it could absolutely be so much worse. Depression doesn't make me not sympathetic to other's plights.
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Anxiety allows me to know how much worse it could be. Anxiety lets me feel all the worst-case scenarios that will most likely never happen in my life. Anxiety makes sure that while I'm so thankful that my children are safe, I know almost exactly what it would feel like to lose them because I'm have many moments where I just knew they were gone. (I'll have to try to explain that one sometime--although, if you have anxiety, you already understand it.)

My reason for sharing this...my goal...isn't for sympathy. It isn't to excuse my withdrawn behavior (that I try VERY hard to hide). It isn't to say "oh bother, poor me." It isn't to wave a flag drawing attention to myself and have people "check in" on my. It's to work towards ending the stigma. A friend (who is probably more of an acquaintance but I prefer friend), posted some really brave stuff about some things but also his depression. My daughter (beautiful and brave 15 year-old) tries to share her journey with depression and anxiety.

So my goal is to be more open and honest about my living with bi-polar, depression, anxiety, chronic pain and auto-immune disorders, parenting children with mental health journeys, being a wife who can never quite keep up with her husband because often I'm too self-absorbed in my own "madness" and sometimes I am just too worn out.

By sharing our stories, someone will feel less alone, someone may get help, someone may share their story.

Birthdays

To be honest, I wasn't positive we would be celebrating this birthday. I know that there were many times she wished that she weren't alive to celebrate it. There were so many times over the last couple of years that she just didn't want to live. She didn't really want to die all the time, she just didn't care if she lived, and sometimes she did things to try to prevent living.

She turned 15 a week ago and I was scared that we wouldn't make it to that day. I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate her here with us and not a heavenly birthday as we do each year for my sister; not a birthday in an institution either. She was able to be home with us. We were able to love on her and show her how happy we are that she is here with us. I may have even snuck in a birthday spanking.

The last couple of years have been scary as we've fought for her life. It still is some moments. We are on a journey that we don't have a very good GPS for. We pray that we will just travel safely and without too many detours. We are constantly on a detour with her. One we choose to take and one we will never stop taking, even if we have to hit a rest area every once in awhile.

I can't believe this girl is 15 already. The years go by so fast, even as they sometimes seem to drag while we're living them in the moments. G has taught me to take each day as a gift. G has taught me how to truly look at the blessings in all of the small things. G has taught me to count each small victory. G has taught me that when I think I know all that I can know, there's more to learn.

Balls in the Air

I can't keep up. I keep dropping little balls here and there and I feel like a big ball of failure. Notes from teachers, doctor's appointments, who needs to be where, calls I need to return, calls I need to make, texts I need to send, texts I need to respond to, emails I need to follow up on...The list goes on and on and I just keep hoping I'm juggling it all into the right hemisphere at least. 

I just got the second call from a school this morning. The first call was because I forgot to call in my sick kid. I appreciate those calls because that lets me know that they are aware my child is gone. I will always know if she doesn't show up after her walk to school. I feel bad when they have to call me. Like I'm this irresponsible parent who just can't handle picking up the phone and calling her in. 

The second call was because of a form I needed to have filled out by one of the kid's doctors for their IEP. I was supposed to do that last week. That meeting we had on Monday feels like a lifetime ago. How has it only been a week? How has it been a week already? Of course the child saw that doctor this morning and of course I forgot to send the form with them for the appointment so now I will have to figure out a way to get the form to the doctor and get it back in a timely  manner. My forgetfulness has now created more work. 

We had 3 kids with doctor's appointments this morning. All before noon. Thankful to my hubby for taking two of them and thankful for an adult child who gets to take herself. 

I forgot to prep for the crock pot meal that was supposed to go in at 8:00 this morning. I don't what my family will be eating while I'm at class. Surely they won't starve right? 

I have class today so I won't be home until 8:00 tonight. I also have to find time in my day to run to the hospital and get a binder that I forgot to get for one kid's schoolwork. I am anxious about a situation that I've been dealing with and it just keeps rearing its ugly head. I am feeling a little heartbroken for some friends of the past who's son died tragically; a little reminded that life is that precious and unprepared for things can happen so quickly. I'm re-entering cc receipts for work that I've now had to do 3 times because it didn't save properly. 

I know it's a day, a couple pages in the book of this thing called my life. It's just a lot and I'm hoping that if I put it out there in the universe, I'll be able to let some of those feelings go and just focus on what I need to do now...stop playing old failure tapes. 

The Conner's

I want to address something that I think the show missed as a huge opportunity on this week's episode.

The matriarch of the family just died of a drug overdose due to an addiction that the family knew nothing about. This week, we watched Becky admit that she couldn't go an entire day without drinking. Instead of Dan taking this chance to offer help with an addiction, he told her that he'd have to let her go from the construction site if she didn't correct the issue in a specified amount of time.

What a missed opportunity. She's telling you she has a drinking problem. She's telling you that she's an addict. Instead of addressing any of the number of ways or programs that she could get help with that addiction, he just puts a timeline on it.

I thought that the drug overdose of the previous main character was well done. I hoped that with Becky's indications on that episode (where she pockets the pills and declares that's the only thing in her mom's closet that she wanted), there would be a great discussion on the horrors of addiction. I had hoped that when Becky said she couldn't go through this again after losing her husband (who also died of addiction although I'm not sure if that was just in real-life or if that's what they say happened to him on the show), the show would take advantage of this huge platform that they have to address the real-life struggles with addiction.

I'm disappointed that they didn't. I do hope that this week's episode is really over yet. I hope that they take the opportunity that they have been given and go a little deeper and talk about addiction and resources. The show has an audience that can handle these issues. The show has never shied away from hard topics before. A comedy show can address real-life issues while still being funny. Isn't that what the whole premise of the original show was about?

A New Schooling Journey

Every child has different needs.

Every child learns differently.

So we are now the parents of a home schooler. I had always wanted to home school the kids when they were younger but financially it wasn't an option and honestly, the older they got, the smarter they got and there was little that I could teach them anymore. I love public schools. I do. I have some wonderful family members who teach and we have had a really great experience with most of the teachers that have come into our lives.

It's not a secret that G has some major anxiety issues. It's not a secret that those anxiety issues cause some pretty big issues for her emotionally and create some serious self-safety concerns. The school has been great in trying to help us find solutions that will logically work for her. Even in the decision to home school her, we have had great support from them.

We don't think this is the answer for all of our kids. We don't think this will solve all of G's anxiety issues. (If you truly know anxiety disorder, you know it's never just as simple as that.) We are hopeful that it will provide a relief for her.

G still gets up every morning when we do, she has a schedule and a routine, she has course and school expectations. She has responsibilities and she has to complete so many hours of school work a day. She is doing an online high school for all of her common core classes and we throw in other stuff. It's only been a few days so I'm sure that there will be a lot of little adjustments and maybe even a few big ones that will need to be made.

Steve said, "what if the other kids want to home school too?" I said, "well, we'd have to decide if that was the best answer for them." We have never treated all of our children exactly the same. We never will. There are some general rules they all must follow but each child has different needs and so they all have different expectations to meet. There's no "that's unfair" at our house because what's fair for one is not fair for another.

This is the new journey we are on. Thanks for prayers and support!