BS 7 - Psych Appt

This is where things get real for me. I knew leading up to this appt that I had one of two options. I could give my standard "things are fine" responses and pass the eval or I could get real about the state of my mental health and struggles and face a potential delay in surgery.

I didn't really know how I was going to answer the questions until they were asked. The doctor asked about my current state of things and I paused. I looked at my phone and saw the picture of R & W and started to cry. This surgery journey is about getting healthy so that I can live longer and enjoy more of my grandchildren. If I don't address my mental health, along with my physical health, what is the point? 

So I answered honestly. "I'm not okay." The very kind doctor stopped. He took a breath. He said, "I'm sorry things are hard right now. I want you to see a therapist. And if you can't find a therapist, call me and I will listen and help." 

We made a safety plan, something I haven't needed in a really long time. He made a follow-up appointment. I made an appointment with a therapist. 

Yes, there will be a little delay in surgery clearance. Yes, it will be totally worth it. Yes, it's hard. It's hard to say "I'm not okay", it's hard to need help, and it's hard to put my mental health a priority. I'm also convinced that it's the only way I want to have surgery. No amount of weight loss will matter if I can't enjoy life and my family and myself.  

BS 6 - Nuclear Med Study

The follow-up to my upper GI test was the Nuclear Medicine Gastric Emptying Study. 

The nurse emailed me and asked if I wanted the next available appointment. She said they only do them on Wed mornings. Ok. Works for me, let's get it done. So at 5:15 AM, I left for Omaha. I was TIRED, to say the least. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. I'm getting used to that at this point. 

The first thing we do is laugh at the tech's statement "this is a judgment-free zone" as he presented me with microwaved egg whites, a slice of white bread that he called toast even though it was not toasted, and a tiny cup of water. 

I had been warned about these eggs. I was allowed to salt them, then put them on my bread and just tried to eat them as fast as I could because they really did taste unpleasant. They were extremely wet. I like my eggs well done. I saved a little piece of the bread so that I could finish my meal with a little bit of grape jelly on it. 

Then it was time for pictures. They did x-rays every 30 minutes for the first hour and then an hour in between the next sets of pictures. 

This was a super easy test. The test of the eggs went away when I got some real breakfast after I left the hospital.

Best part...I passed! 

Next up, the dreaded psych appointment and the EGD. 

Cooking

 I love to cook. 

Yes, sometimes it's hard for me to gather the energy to cook for my family. Yes, sometimes it seems like a huge chore. Yes, I am guilty of repeating quick, easy, cheap recipes that are staples for our family. No, I don't typically cook things that I don't like. I just saw a "save your family cheap pasta dish" headline and so I quickly ran to the recipe. Chickpeas and pasta. I don't like chickpeas. I'm not making that. 

Ultimately, I like the challenge. I love finding new recipes, and I actually usually measure ingredients the first time I make a new dish. Typically, if I've made the recipe more than once, I measure with my heart. :) I love finding new styles of cooking and new ingredients to cook with. I have even been found to be super annoying by posting a bunch of pictures of the new recipes I make.

Feeding my family brings me joy. Not much makes me happier than when the family sits down and says that the best part of the day is whatever I've just cooked them. I am a sucker for a "that looks super yummy" comment on my annoying food pics. It may be just lip service but I'm mostly even okay with that. 

For Christmas, I made a figgy pudding. Not my cup of tea but the people who liked it really loved it! One of my favorite recipes was a Greek salad with cucumbers, tomatoes, feta, etc...It was super yummy and fresh. We had that for "Greek Night" for family dinner. 

I am a fan of TikTok recipes, I have a couple of people I follow that I really like to try their recipes. I am a huge fan of Pinterest. Facebook recipes and the good monthly ad magazine that Hy-Vee puts out. 

Recently I made a traditional oxtail pho. First time making my own broth, my first time cooking (and eating) oxtail. That was a two-day cooking prep. While that was cooking, I tried my hand at a copy-cat Chili's chili recipe. With the help of the family, we had homemade egg rolls, homemade crab rangoon, and handmade spring rolls with a yummy sweet chili dipping sauce. That meal was a huge success! 

I've recently made a Lancashire Hotpot dish with a lamb roast. It had juicy lamb pieces with veggies and sliced potatoes on top. I sliced my potatoes too thinly and the sauce was a little loose but the flavor was good. 

Next up, I'm trying my hand at Baria tacos with homemade tortillas! Wish me luck! What are some fun recipes that I should try out that are favorites of yours? 

BS 5 - Upper GI

 I didn't look up the weather before leaving the house at 8:00 am last Thursday. I don't typically think about the weather being much different in Omaha than in Lincoln. If I had, I would have gotten nervous much sooner than when the snow started blowing across the interstate. GPS took me off the interstate for a little bit because of an accident that had completely stopped traffic. I went through Bellevue and Papillion. While sliding through the intersection to get onto the highway was no fun, I am still glad for the detour because it allowed me to go at much slower speeds and much less traffic.

Anyway, I arrived at UNMC safe and sound and even found my way with (almost) ease to the correct department! The receptionists were not professional or good but that's a story for another day. I got changed and the X-ray techs were very kind and calming. 

Stand against the platform, drink in the left hand, and drink when told to. Easy enough! Except for that awful, awful thick barium. Oh wow. Not as bad as the drink for the colonoscopy but eww! The doctor asked if it was the texture or the taste. Both. I gagged several times. I can't even remember how many swallows of it I had to take but it was truly gross. 

Then they have this tiny cup of water. They add a packet of something that makes it fizzy and tell you to "shoot" it. It didn't taste bad at all but the bubbles are a shock to the system. Oh, this will create bubbles, that's what it's designed to do but "try not to burp." Noted...I tried. 

Next, I leaned back and the table laid me onto my back, and was told to roll "slowly, like a log". This is designed to coat your stomach with the wonderful barium you just drank. A few pictures were taken, and a few pauses so I didn't actually lose my non-existent breakfast. Only to be told that my stomach was not emptying the way that it should. She asked me about my favorite food. She said that sometimes just talking about food makes your stomach empty. It didn't. 

Back to the upright position. Back to the chair for a 10-minute break to allow my stomach to empty. Ten minutes later, the doctor returned and we were mostly good to go. She got the pictures that she needed and then I got to have another drink. This one was less thick and had a very slight strawberry taste. The really cool thing about this drink was when she told me to swallow, I could watch the machine and see the liquid going through my esophagus. I love that stuff! Anyway, the drink was better but not good. 

I have a small hernia. It doesn't appear to be causing many issues and will most likely be repaired when I have WLS. Also, they noted a "possible gastric emptying abnormality" as there was still food from over 10 hours ago in my stomach. 

Next up, thanks to the results of the Upper GI, I have a nuclear medicine gastric emptying study. At least there will be no barium for that! I get egg whites, toast, and water! 

Downtown Night

 I can't explain it in any other way than to say that it was my mother's intuition. I was home alone at night with the two younger kids. Something just felt off. You weren't due home yet but something felt off. 

I checked the locator app and saw that you were downtown. This is not where you were supposed to be. The locator showed that you were parked. I tried calling you, and calling you, and calling you. No answer. You had previously told us that one of your "plans" included jumping from the top of a parking garage. 

I started panic calling dad. He was in the movie theatre and after about 5 or 6 calls, he answered and I told him my fears. We called your sister, who is closer to downtown than we are. She left to pick up dad from the theatre and get to you. I couldn't leave the house because there was nobody there to watch the little one. I also couldn't get to you in time. 

The officer said, "ma'am, I don't know why but anytime the threat is real, they take off their shoes before they jump. When we got to your kid, the shoes were off. G is safe now."

All of this seemed like it took hours but I know it was probably only minutes. You had called the police so that they would get to your body, not you, just your body. You didn't tell them where you were, just what you were going to do. They found you. They brought you into safety and then took you to the hospital to meet dad there. 

You came home after your evaluation. I was floored that they would let you go but it was decided that the crisis had passed. A couple days later, it was determined that you were still in crisis and that it hadn't passed. You were admitted to the hospital for a brief stay to get you through the crisis. 

It has been over a year since this event. It's been on my mind since your birthday. It came up in a conversation I was having about not being sure if we would make it to your 19th birthday. I thought maybe if I wrote about it, I could let it go. 

Happy Adulthood Gordon

 To my handsome son on his 19th birthday...

I remember so clearly the first time they put you in my arms. I had beautiful visions of the type of mother I would be for you. I had dreams for you to grow and be an amazing human. 

Good news...you made it to adulthood and you ARE an amazing human! I am so excited for that and for you to continue to forge your path through life. Bad news...I haven't always been the mother that I dreamed I would be and I'm sorry for the times that I've let you down. 

Gordon, you have taught me so much that my dreams for you aren't what matters. I mean that in a good way. The dreams that you have for yourself are so much more important! They're also so much better because they're yours! It's been great to watch you find out what those dreams are. 

I know that you struggle to find your place and purpose in this life. You will say, "I never expected to make it to 19 so I don't know what to do!" I want to be honest. The last few years have made me fear that we wouldn't celebrate your 19th birthday. I am beyond joyed that we've made it! 

Your journey to 19 has been plagued with mental health challenges. It's been bumpy and messy but it's a journey that has continued and you've grown and you've tackled these challenges head-on. Even when you've used avoidance, you've still gone through the challenge. There are times that you've tried very hard to not make it this long and so your birthday means something a little different and stronger for me. I have read your "goodbye letters", I've sat with you in the ER after an overdose, woken to have police in the house after a drug overdose, etc. So when your birthday comes, I am reminded how blessed I am to still have you, on your hard days and on your good days. 

I pray that you've looked into the future and thought about what 20 will look like, what 30 will look like, and what every year in between will look like. I don't mean that you have to know what you will be doing, but that you will be alive and have a future. There's no pressure here for you to have it all figured out, just that you WANT to still be here to figure it out. 

To you, my son, my friend (most days :) ), my challenger, I wish you the best of birthdays with hopes, prayers and dreams of many, many more to come. I love you. I will never stop loving you, I will never stop fighting for you when you can't. 

Bariatric 5 - Nutrition Appt

 Friday was my first appointment in Omaha (where I will have surgery). I had a Nutrition class and a blood draw. 

First we will give a huge shout-out to the tech who drew my blood. She used the little needle without having to be told (huge win!) and she didn't necessarily dig but did some squishing around and was able to get the vein to work without having to stick me again. You could tell she was really good at her job. I don't even have a bruise. Anyone that knows me, knows that this is usually the worst part of any appointment because I have little tiny, rolly-poly veins. 

There were no surprises from my blood work. That's good news. My blood sugars were a little high but I wasn't told to fast and had breakfast from BK on my way out of town so...again, no surprises there. 

The Nutrition class was good. It was a lot of information. Some new, mostly reiterations of stuff I already know after having been through just about every weight loss program there is. There will be some changes to what I already know because of the size of my stomach following surgery but nothing super shocking because of all the research I have done. 

Time for the brutally honest parts of the appointments. I spent a super unhealthy portion of the weekend stressed out and overly-anxiously obsessing about food. What I can eat now versus what I can eat then. Portions and how will I ever be able to enjoy or consume some of my favorite comfort foods (popcorn, chips and salsa, etc.). Protein shakes. Meal replacements. How I can get enough protein in the day. Big change - only 3 meals a day with very minimal snacking! Every program I've ever gone through says 6 small meals a day...post-op is only 3 meals a day. 

I spent way too much time in my head obsessing about the two-week pre-op diet and the post-op diet. The two weeks prior to surgery require no solid food. One of the toughest days I have had was the 24 hours of no solid food prior to my colonoscopy...that will make this seem like a cakewalk. 

My daughter said, "mom, you can do this if you really want this. We will support you no matter what you decide. We will help you however we can." I know they will. They can't do the mental part for me. I know why the prep is so long to get ready for surgery. It's processing time. It's preparing yourself mentally. It's making the decision that this is a lifelong journey. 

Baby steps. Baby steps are how I will get there.