"Mom, I want friend x to hurt as much as she hurt me!"
Oh, my beautiful, hurt, angry, baby girl...I hate that you are hurting. I hurt for your hurting heart. There is so much I want I want to say to you, but I know that you can't hear me right now.
So I will pray for you, even though right now you can't see God's Light.
I will set very firm boundaries for you, even though you will fight them.
I will remind you that hurting someone because they hurt you isn't His way, even though you can't see that right now.
I will listen to you, even when you don't think I am.
I will listen to you, even when you don't want to talk.
And I will love you, even though you can't you feel that love in boundaries that are being set for you.
God says to love your enemies and to do good to those that hate us. That seems like a really hard, sometimes impossible, thing to do. I can imagine that seems even harder to do in your place in life right now.
God gives us really hard, sometimes seemingly impossible, things to do so that we grow. He wants us to grow in Him. He wants us to grow towards Him. He wants us to grow with Him in our hearts, spirits and hearts.
It's hard to watch your kid hurt. It's hard to watch your kid be so hurt that they are angry and lashing out. It's hard to set some of those boundaries that are so important to set. It's hard to pray for them to grow when you really just want to hold them until their hearts heal. It's hard to not be able to just wipe away a tear and kiss a boo-boo and make their world all better.
These are some of the things I've learned while parenting teens. Rest assured, those boundaries are still going to be set. Rest assured those lessons are still going to be taught. Rest assured that we are still going to love you when you don't feel lovable. Rest assured that we are still going to be here at the end of the battle. Rest assured that we are still going to expect you to be Christ-like, even when you don't act Christ-like, or feel like you want to be Christ-like.
You are our daughter. Our gift from God. We share you with the universe and hurt when the universe hurts you. We cry when you cry, even if we are crying different tears. We will fight for you; for your heart and your body and your soul. We will forever have your back but call you to be accountable for your actions. You are never alone. You are never lost to us. We are your parents and will keep pushing for you, even when you are pushing back harder. We will teach you lessons that you think you don't know and point you towards the right people to help in teach the lessons we don't know how to teach you.
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Sunday, September 10, 2017
Feels
I'm feeling so many feelings today. Some good, some bad, just a lot of them on one day and it's a lot to feel.
Five years ago today we put Anitra in the hospital. Five years ago, she broke completely. I called Steve from the ER and said that it was finally all too much and I didn't think she'd make it through this one. I wanted to be wrong but I think I knew that I was right.
Two years ago today Rileigh made her entrance into the world. She is so loved and so missed (we haven't been able to see her since March) and we wish we could celebrate with her. We wish her the happiest of birthdays and hope that she is having a very special day. We are blessed to have this beautiful child in our lives and hearts.
One year ago we had to take G to the hospital. She was having suicidal thoughts and had a plan to not be with us on this Earth anymore. That was such a hard time. Nothing can prepare you to hear your child say they don't feel safe with themselves and that they don't want to live anymore.
Today is National Suicide Prevention Day and that start of Suicide Prevention Week. I'm so glad that there is so much social recognition of this day and week. The more we talk about it, the more we can prevent suicide. The more we let people know that it's okay to feel the way they feel, the less alone people feel with their thoughts.
It's fitting to me that we celebrate Rileigh today. When I hold her and see her smile, I get to see the very best parts of her momma and grandma. It's not a surprise to me that she came on the 10th (I prayed for her to come that day), the day I feel like we lost Anitra forever (even though she was alive 3 more days). I feel like God was giving us something beautiful to hold onto that day.
I'm anxious for what this week will bring; for me, for my kiddos, for her parents, for my husband, for her friends. I'm grateful for the fact that we all have each other when the feelings become too much to hold onto.
I'm relieved that Anitra no longer has to feel so many, too many, feelings. I'm sad that many of us still feel too many feels.
I know that this day will pass. I know that the sad feelings will turn to happy feelings. I know that this day is just a hard day. I will give my worries to God and I will pray for safe thoughts and feelings for those we love.
Five years ago today we put Anitra in the hospital. Five years ago, she broke completely. I called Steve from the ER and said that it was finally all too much and I didn't think she'd make it through this one. I wanted to be wrong but I think I knew that I was right.
Two years ago today Rileigh made her entrance into the world. She is so loved and so missed (we haven't been able to see her since March) and we wish we could celebrate with her. We wish her the happiest of birthdays and hope that she is having a very special day. We are blessed to have this beautiful child in our lives and hearts.
One year ago we had to take G to the hospital. She was having suicidal thoughts and had a plan to not be with us on this Earth anymore. That was such a hard time. Nothing can prepare you to hear your child say they don't feel safe with themselves and that they don't want to live anymore.
Today is National Suicide Prevention Day and that start of Suicide Prevention Week. I'm so glad that there is so much social recognition of this day and week. The more we talk about it, the more we can prevent suicide. The more we let people know that it's okay to feel the way they feel, the less alone people feel with their thoughts.
It's fitting to me that we celebrate Rileigh today. When I hold her and see her smile, I get to see the very best parts of her momma and grandma. It's not a surprise to me that she came on the 10th (I prayed for her to come that day), the day I feel like we lost Anitra forever (even though she was alive 3 more days). I feel like God was giving us something beautiful to hold onto that day.
I'm anxious for what this week will bring; for me, for my kiddos, for her parents, for my husband, for her friends. I'm grateful for the fact that we all have each other when the feelings become too much to hold onto.
I'm relieved that Anitra no longer has to feel so many, too many, feelings. I'm sad that many of us still feel too many feels.
I know that this day will pass. I know that the sad feelings will turn to happy feelings. I know that this day is just a hard day. I will give my worries to God and I will pray for safe thoughts and feelings for those we love.
Saturday, September 9, 2017
Weather
When I was little and there were tornadoes, my dad would tuck us safely into our shelter and then he would go and watch the storm.
As I got older, my dad would explain the tornado activity and show us the clouds and explain the fronts and the science behind it all. He'd still make sure we were safely out of harms way and out he would go to watch the storm. I don't remember being afraid of tornadoes growing up.
When I was pregnant with Tai, living in Pascagoula, MS, there was a hurricane. I was terrified. A) I was mostly alone and pregnant, 2) I had no idea about hurricanes, 3) the news made it look horrifying! I was 20 years old, pregnant, no family around, no idea what hurricane season was like, and no idea what they really were.
I had a very patient boss. He explained them to me. He told me to not watch the national news and only watch the local news (best advice ever). He told me how they were formed, what the fronts meant, what to expect, how to prepare, and how to be smart.
Then it became fascinating. Once the hurricane passed through, I watched the national news to learn more about them.
Blizzards are fascinating to me. I always say that I'm not a huge fan of snow but a good blizzard? I'm all in for. We're talking about a good snowed in blizzard.
Probably one of the biggest things on my bucket list would be to storm chase through tornado alley. I promised the kids that I would wait until they were all graduated from high school. I will do it as wisely as possible and do one of those package deals where you spend time with trained professionals but I want to be out there in it!
My heart and my prayers are with all of those impacted by the hurricanes currently pounding the world. My soul is with the weather people out there braving the storms to report and riding the storms out in bunkers.
As I got older, my dad would explain the tornado activity and show us the clouds and explain the fronts and the science behind it all. He'd still make sure we were safely out of harms way and out he would go to watch the storm. I don't remember being afraid of tornadoes growing up.
When I was pregnant with Tai, living in Pascagoula, MS, there was a hurricane. I was terrified. A) I was mostly alone and pregnant, 2) I had no idea about hurricanes, 3) the news made it look horrifying! I was 20 years old, pregnant, no family around, no idea what hurricane season was like, and no idea what they really were.
I had a very patient boss. He explained them to me. He told me to not watch the national news and only watch the local news (best advice ever). He told me how they were formed, what the fronts meant, what to expect, how to prepare, and how to be smart.
Then it became fascinating. Once the hurricane passed through, I watched the national news to learn more about them.
Blizzards are fascinating to me. I always say that I'm not a huge fan of snow but a good blizzard? I'm all in for. We're talking about a good snowed in blizzard.
Probably one of the biggest things on my bucket list would be to storm chase through tornado alley. I promised the kids that I would wait until they were all graduated from high school. I will do it as wisely as possible and do one of those package deals where you spend time with trained professionals but I want to be out there in it!
My heart and my prayers are with all of those impacted by the hurricanes currently pounding the world. My soul is with the weather people out there braving the storms to report and riding the storms out in bunkers.
Friday, September 1, 2017
Suicide and Survivors
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Haven't we all heard that? I remember writing about it before. Suicide is sometimes, more often than we like to think about, a solution to depression, anxiety, all sorts of mental health disorders. That's a pretty bleak solution. For the survivors left behind, of course, but also to those living with these disorders. I do wonder, a lot, about all the things my sister has missed. She never met her granddaughter. She never saw her son in his ROTC uniform. She never saw her daughter graduate from high school. She wasn't there when her niece left for culinary school. She wasn't there to tell her niece that it was all going to be okay and that she would survive her hospitalization.
Here's the thing about being a survivor of suicide...you don't always feel like a survivor. You're here dealing with the world and life and you might be having your own suicidal thoughts and you feel guilt and anxiety and you feel like somehow you've managed to let the entire world down. Doesn't feel much like surviving.
The scary thing about being a survivor of suicide...you realize that you can't actually save someone from taking their life. You watch your daughter become suicidal and you hear her pain and you hear her say that she doesn't want to live and you know that you will do anything, ANYTHING, in your power to save her. You know that ANYTHING isn't always enough. You know that no matter what you do, say, or feel, it may not be enough.
In the past few weeks I've been connected with two suicides. It makes me hurt so much for their families. It makes me hurt so much for them. It makes me want to reach out to their families and just tell them that their loved one's life mattered. It did! In big ways and small ways. I know that they know that, I just want them to know that other people know that too.
The other thing it does...it terrifies me for my family. It terrifies me that there is such a thin line between finding resources for my own child to burying my own child. I may sound a little dramatic here but I'm not. I know that we will do everything WE can to save her life. Will she do the same?
When you see someone lose the war, it's devastating. When you fight the battles, or someone you love fights the battles, it's absolutely terrifying to hear that someone else lost the war. Every single day can seem like a battle to someone with depression and anxiety.
Here's the thing about being a survivor of suicide...you don't always feel like a survivor. You're here dealing with the world and life and you might be having your own suicidal thoughts and you feel guilt and anxiety and you feel like somehow you've managed to let the entire world down. Doesn't feel much like surviving.
The scary thing about being a survivor of suicide...you realize that you can't actually save someone from taking their life. You watch your daughter become suicidal and you hear her pain and you hear her say that she doesn't want to live and you know that you will do anything, ANYTHING, in your power to save her. You know that ANYTHING isn't always enough. You know that no matter what you do, say, or feel, it may not be enough.
In the past few weeks I've been connected with two suicides. It makes me hurt so much for their families. It makes me hurt so much for them. It makes me want to reach out to their families and just tell them that their loved one's life mattered. It did! In big ways and small ways. I know that they know that, I just want them to know that other people know that too.
The other thing it does...it terrifies me for my family. It terrifies me that there is such a thin line between finding resources for my own child to burying my own child. I may sound a little dramatic here but I'm not. I know that we will do everything WE can to save her life. Will she do the same?
When you see someone lose the war, it's devastating. When you fight the battles, or someone you love fights the battles, it's absolutely terrifying to hear that someone else lost the war. Every single day can seem like a battle to someone with depression and anxiety.
love u 2
Actually, it's <3 u 2 but the heading won't let me save it like that.
The last text I got from my sister. It's tattooed on my wrist. It serves two purposes. 1) It writes love on my arms and 2) I forever have it with me.
"Call me if you need anything."
"I will."
"I love you sis."
"Love you too sissy."
The last conversation I had with her.
It's been almost five years since I heard her voice; almost five years since I got my last text from her.
The medical eximaner said she died between 9:00 am and 12:00 pm. I talked to her at 8:30 am. I was on my way to work. She left a full cup of coffee and the coffee pot still turned on. I think it probably wasn't long after I got off the phone with her that she died.
I have some peace in knowing that the last phone conversation, probably the last conversation that she had, was one full of love and support. She knew we were here. She knew we loved her.
I carry her phone with me. It's always in my purse, no matter which purse I have, no matter where I go. I always have that one solid thing that was her with me.
I knew she was gone when the school called and said Rey hadn't been picked up. I knew she was gone for 30 minutes before I heard the words that I never wanted to hear. I knew before I was even told. I could feel it. Or rather, I couldn't feel her alive anymore.
When I was told she was gone, I screamed. I went through many moments of belief and disbelief in a short amount of time that seemed to last forever. I told people that she wasn't really dead. That there was a mistake. That she would be fine. I yelled at the firetrucks that turned the other way that they needed to get to her. Even then I knew she was gone.
When I saw her on the gurney, I told her to stop messing around. I told her to get up. I told her this wasn't funny anymore and she needed to get up. Then I begged her to please get up. I begged her to please not be gone. Even then I knew she was gone.
The last text I got from my sister. It's tattooed on my wrist. It serves two purposes. 1) It writes love on my arms and 2) I forever have it with me.
"Call me if you need anything."
"I will."
"I love you sis."
"Love you too sissy."
The last conversation I had with her.
It's been almost five years since I heard her voice; almost five years since I got my last text from her.
The medical eximaner said she died between 9:00 am and 12:00 pm. I talked to her at 8:30 am. I was on my way to work. She left a full cup of coffee and the coffee pot still turned on. I think it probably wasn't long after I got off the phone with her that she died.
I have some peace in knowing that the last phone conversation, probably the last conversation that she had, was one full of love and support. She knew we were here. She knew we loved her.
I carry her phone with me. It's always in my purse, no matter which purse I have, no matter where I go. I always have that one solid thing that was her with me.
I knew she was gone when the school called and said Rey hadn't been picked up. I knew she was gone for 30 minutes before I heard the words that I never wanted to hear. I knew before I was even told. I could feel it. Or rather, I couldn't feel her alive anymore.
When I was told she was gone, I screamed. I went through many moments of belief and disbelief in a short amount of time that seemed to last forever. I told people that she wasn't really dead. That there was a mistake. That she would be fine. I yelled at the firetrucks that turned the other way that they needed to get to her. Even then I knew she was gone.
When I saw her on the gurney, I told her to stop messing around. I told her to get up. I told her this wasn't funny anymore and she needed to get up. Then I begged her to please get up. I begged her to please not be gone. Even then I knew she was gone.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Son Hugs
I called Trey into the kitchen.
"Give me a hug"
"Ok"
"Tighter please"
"Ok...ummmm...mom, are you okay?"
"Yep, just glad you can give me a hug."
I begged my Ariez, my non-driving son, to please be safe when he's with friends. Please always wear a seatbelt and please don't ever take away my chance to give him a big hug at the end of the day.
My heart hurts for the momma that will never get to hug her 16 year old baby again. I cannot imagine that kind of loss. He went to school and never came back. It happens every day. It happens all over the world. I don't want to ever have to feel that.
So I pray for the momma of the 16 year old boy that didn't come home Wed. I pray for the family that got the worst phone call of their lives Wed. I pray for the friends that will never see him smile or hear his laugh ever again.
I pray for the other families that have been impacted by the accident that happened Wed. At least five families that will never be the same after being a part of something so sad and terrifying.
"Give me a hug"
"Ok"
"Tighter please"
"Ok...ummmm...mom, are you okay?"
"Yep, just glad you can give me a hug."
I begged my Ariez, my non-driving son, to please be safe when he's with friends. Please always wear a seatbelt and please don't ever take away my chance to give him a big hug at the end of the day.
My heart hurts for the momma that will never get to hug her 16 year old baby again. I cannot imagine that kind of loss. He went to school and never came back. It happens every day. It happens all over the world. I don't want to ever have to feel that.
So I pray for the momma of the 16 year old boy that didn't come home Wed. I pray for the family that got the worst phone call of their lives Wed. I pray for the friends that will never see him smile or hear his laugh ever again.
I pray for the other families that have been impacted by the accident that happened Wed. At least five families that will never be the same after being a part of something so sad and terrifying.
Jax
G and I were waiting in the parking lot before they even opened. We were the first people there. When someone else pulled into the lot, we got out of the van and went to wait at the still locked doors.
As soon as they opened, we told them who we were there to see. While we were waiting to be shown a room, the guy that pulled into the lot after us said "I'm here to see Jax." The lady told him that we were already there to look at him but he was welcome to wait.
We sat patiently in the room and they brought this beast of a dog into the room. He still had on his cone of shame from being fixed. He looked into my eyes and I knew he had to be ours. He was patient and loving and sweet and so we called Steve and he came from work to look at him. I wanted to make sure that this was really our dog and the only way to do that, and not be blamed later for getting a bad dog, was for Steve to come check him out.
An hour later, G, Jax, and I were headed home.
We walked into the house and A was TERRIFIED. Like crying terrified. He had been attacked by a big dog once and he wanted nothing to do with him. G took Jax outside and I took A's hand and asked him to trust me. I told him that I would not let anyone or anything hurt him and if Jax wasn't nice to him, then Jax would have to go.
I knew that there was a chance that this could go wrong. If A got hurt by the new dog, he may never trust me again. I prayed that God would show this little boy that he could trust us. That we would protect him. I prayed that God would allow Jax and A to become buds and I prayed that if this went right, A would know he could count on us.
That was on a Saturday. By Tuesday, A had a new best friend. Thank you God!
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